To not want to change my surname?

[pussyinboots743]

I’m getting married soon (It’s my third) and on my first marriage I changed my surname to be that of my husband’s (I was 19) but didn’t for the second. I’ve kept my first husband’s surname to this day as we have two DC and I like having the same surname as them. My fiancé wants to me change it to his own name as he feels like having my first DH’s surname is weird and as if I was with another man. He says the DC are adults now and that it shouldn’t matter about their surnames. But frankly I don’t want to change it as I’ve had it for 30 years now. This is causing friction between us. Am I being unreasonable here?

Absolutely not.
Do not marry him if this is even slightly an issue with him.
You are not compatible and he is controlling.
Do you really want another marriage?

I'm only married once. I don't have my father's surname. I hated it. Changed via solicitor at age 20. I couldn't bare to part with my new surname so I have a double barrelled surname. 'My' chosen surname and DH's surname.
Daughter has the double barrelled surname to, from birth.

My chosen surname feels like my identity because I picked it. It's an outdated practice, taking husband's surname.

Incidentally my mum changed her surname to her current husband's surname before she got married to get rid of her previous husband's surname, who is my birth father. My birth father is long dead and only my brother has the 'dreaded' surname still.

YANBU you do what you want to do! I married for the 2nd time and kept my married name from 1st marriage my now husband didnt mind at all and I am happy with my decision. Best wishes in your new marriage.

I've been married twice.I still have the first exH's surname. I like the name,didn't particularly like the 2nd exH's name and he didn't mind either way. I just couldn't be bothered with the faff of changing it when I remarried / divorced again.

I remember some friends in the 90's having a child and being unable to decide whose surname to use. So they chose a completely random one, unrelated to either of them! It's a personal decision

I changed my name on marriage (it was the 80s and we did then), changed it back on separation, got divorced, married someone else 9 years later, changed again because it was important to him even though I didn't really want to, had 2 kids, split up 14 years later, changed it back again, got divorced, married to now DH who also felt strongly about name change so changed it again but this time kept mine and stuck his on the end. I already thought about changing it back again if I am widowed. It's not the best last name in the world but its the only name I feel any ownership of. DH's ex is still Mrs Hisname too so its doubly weird.

It’s so weird that in this day and age there’s still the expectation of changing your name once married.
If you’re not going to have kids together especially. What’s the point. What does he get out of it? You’ll have a whole bunch of unnecessary admin to do and probably a worse surname.

Of course you’re not. I didn’t change my name when I got married. For me, it’s old fashioned and implies ownership of women by men. It was also my name for 35 years before we got married, and what everyone knows me by. DH didn’t care one way or the other.

I voted yabu as the name you have kept isn’t yours so no problem in changing it. I mean if it was your name from birth fair enough but you changed it for husband number one so no reason not to change it for this husband. Or revert to your maiden name. To keep the name of a past husband is just weird. I’ve been married for almost 40 years and never changed my name, still use my birth name

When I found myself in a similar position to yours, my new husband and I kept our own names for a few months (similar rationale; children with same name as mine etc). It began to be inconvenient; society struggles with married couples having different names, so my husband changed his to match mine. Has worked brilliantly for over 30 years. Good luck.

I think your fiancee is weird for expecting you to take his name! It's such a bizarre idea, I don't understand why anyone changes their name, male or female, such a hassle.

"society struggles with married couples having different names" - I've never had any issues having a different name to my husband and daughter. maybe if no-one changed their name it would be far easier.

What I would be worried about, in your case, is that your future husband isnt intelligent, self aware or fair enough to go:

"oh, id always imagined that my wife would have my last name, im quite disappointed by that... but thinking about it, its a really outdated tradition, and its her name, not mine, so me expressing anything beyond an initial 'well, im a bit disappointed, but its your choice' conversation would be an absolute dick move on my part, so I wont"

You need to think about how him not being intelligent, self aware, or fair might reveal itself in other ways in your life together. Money, location, work, housework, socialising.

Ask him if he sees women as people to be labelled by the man they marry.

Tell him you feel weird changing your name to his Dad’s name

You are you whatever your name and that is what he should be marrying you for.

Your name is your name once you change it, you have had this name all your adult life, and for much longer than the marriage that you changed it for.

The fact you have kept your first husband's name is irrelevant. The question is, why does he think you should change yours at all if you don't want to? I would not pursue a relationship with anyone who 'caused friction' because I wouldn't change my name to their name. Flip it around and you can see he's being ridiculous, and also sexist.

I am diborced zndvremarried, and still have my first husband's surname.

The sheer number of people and institutions I would have to cobtact to change my surname was a big reason for not changing. Evefybody from amazon to the passport office; a HUGE project.

Your fiance needs to get over hinself.

Don't marry a man who thinks it's reasonable to pressure you into changing your name. Just don't do it.

He says the DC are adults now and that it shouldn’t matter about their surnames.

Well there's your answer to him right there..."well we're adults so it shouldn't matter about our surnames according to you".

No it doesn't! I've been married twice and never changed my name, not one person or organisation has 'struggled' with this concept. And if they did - so what? We hold firm in the face of judgement on our life choices, we don't shift to make other people comfortable surely?!

I have absolutely never had any issues with having a different surname to my husband. Been 17 years & I can’t think of a single problem caused by it.

Bollocks - it's her name now as much as it is anyone else's. She wasn't 'borrowing' it all those years, she made it hers.

You changed your name three times for three different men even though you didn't want to? That's tragic

Anyway I genuinely think this is a bit of a red flag (a pink flag?)

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve had this name, who you share it with - it’s your name and you don’t want to change it. He can change his name if he needs to have the same name as his wife.

Don’t marry him. Your name is your name. Tell him you don’t like his but you like yours. I changed mine when I got married and straight back when we divorced fortunately the children ended up by court order having their names the same as my original name. I would advise any woman to keep her name - it’s what people know you as, Doctors, professional life and locally etc

My daughter always says she will raise it early on in any proposal / wedding discussions and how he reacts will be how she proceeds. Eg funny about it she won’t marry.

My lovely second husband took my name as he wanted to be the same as the children and me.

I understand why he would dislike it tbh. I wouldn’t love my husband having an ex’s name when there are other options (maiden name, my name). I’d go back to my maiden name in your position, personally.

You’re marrying a man who doesn’t understand you want the same surname as your children and they probably want that too? Picking suitable husbands doesn’t seem to be your strong suit.. perhaps rethink the marriage