Excluded by friends with children, unsure where to go from here

[AmpleHedgehog]

Whilst I'm sure it isn't malicious, I've just found out that out of our friendship group the other friends all meet up and have a separate group chat because they have children.
There is another friend who's childless but she isn't really interested in the group and never suggests meeting up. The difference is that I suggest meeting one on one, groups, I am always willing to go to soft plays, travel to them etc. I always go out of my way.

I am engaged and would like children in the next couple of years. The only suggestion is to join clubs to make friends, and I do get this but it's not a guarantee. I work 9-5 hours then have an evening job twice a week to help me repay my debt, then I have a driving lesson, have a pet, clean our home and I make all my food from scratch which can be time consuming though worth it.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but it is tricky. Some groups are also very selective and will not allow you into their clique.

I am 35 years old and just feel a bit lost and excluded.

FTR of course I understand why they are meeting up as a group, I am not even saying I should be invited every time but I'm not being given the choice, ever. The other friend without a child has also met a friend's baby.
I have been to visit the childless friend several times, the last time I saw her she basically told me she wouldn't visit me as it was too out of the way. She is very well paid and has weekends free, but was essentially telling me she would not make the same effort.

Anyone please?

It’s tricky but sounds normal to me. Several of my friends had children years before me and our relationship changed - it’s natural as there can be lots of discussion about what babies are doing, how they’re sleeping, feeding etc which someone without children just can’t participate in. I still saw my friends but not as much. Now I have a child I see those friends more often as our children can play together a little bit even though there’s a large age gap. I don’t think it’s malicious just a life stage. Things will change when you have your own children but in the meantime you should still try to see them but don’t force it, concentrate on yourself and your own life. Having a baby is a good time to meet new people like at NCT classes or baby groups so you will have an opportunity to widen your friendship group if you have children in future.

Your child-free friend sounds like she's just not that bothered about meeting up (and not just with you). While that isn't a nice feeling, you just have to accept it and withdraw from the friendship as much as you want/need to.

With the rest of them, is it possible they think they are doing you a favour by keeping you out of the kids chat/meet ups? Some child-free people (and indeed some people with children!) would rather keep friendships "adult" and don't necessarily want to hear all the ins and outs of parenthood/have to compete for their friends attention over coffee with a group of toddlers. Is there anyone in that group you are closer to, that you could raise it with? Let them know you DO want in on all of that?

You will probably be the one making a bit more effort whilst they've got really little ones (and it's lovely that you are happy to do that, not everyone is). If in a few years you have your own baby, their children will be older and hopefully (if they are good friends) they will repay the efforts you made. That's certainly how it's worked in my group.

Honestly? You need to let them go...for now. I was in a similar situation, although not a group but a close friend, and despite my best efforts to get on-board with all things kiddy, I was pushed out for her new mum friends. I did everything feasibly possible to make it work - met at times convenient with the school run, discarded any expectations of nights/ weekends out, chose child friendly activities when her daughter was in tow, tried to help with parenting struggles, but it wasn't enough for her. It really hurt at the time as like you, I simply wasn't invited to her nights out with her mum mates! I let the rope drop when I started to feel very taken advantage of, as in I was her ear and sounding board but not good enough to invite out or I'd juggle my working schedule to fit with her, but then find out she was more than happy to let her partner take over parenting duties when it mattered. There is only so much one person can bend , without a degree of reciprocity.

Imagine you are a huge birdwatching fan in a friendship group where 4 of the 7 also have a huge passion for birdwatching.

You recently saw an amazing rare bird and set up a group with the 4 to send them a photo and tell them about it.

Does this mean you don't love and value the friendship of all the 7? It most definitely does not. Does that mean you don't like the 3 non birdwatchers? Definitely not. Would the 3 non-birdwatchers be quite interested in talking to you, catching up etc? I'd say it's highly likely!

I think you're in great danger of making the entirely wrong assumptions about this group and your friends. While your mum friends will likely be very busy, especially if you are interested in their children and happy to spend time with them with their children, they may really welcome time with you.

Most of my friends don't have kids and I see them as much as I can alone so we can properly catch up. That's not often at all. Some childfree friends are willing to come to early dinner at our house, with my kids there, and any screaming and crying that goes along with that, and it keeps us feeling close.

Could you be that friend to them? Understanding if they take ages to reply, or don't reply, it might just be that they are busy, and be patient and just make the offer here and there.

I think that parents do like to do things with other parents and children sometimes. No offence to their childless friends who offer them other things. Also they may fear that you'll get a bit bored in the soft play area however much you say you aren't.

I guess it depends what the dynamic of your 'friendship group' is. If you've been friends for 30 years, I guess go with the flow and expect things will change transiently and if/when you have kids of your own you'll slot back in. If the friendships have less longevity or aren't as tight, I'd be backing right off. Why should you make all the effort? Some parents think they're the first people to ever have babies.

I’ve been on both sides…

Just wanted to give you my opinion as a mum to young children (and currently pregnant)

It is completely natural to gravitate to making new mum friends / getting closer to friends who already have children. I know this is cliche but until you become a mum, the group chats or meet up with the kids aren’t just about soft play or coffee dates. Perhaps they are ranting to each other about how hard mum life is, the colour of their children’s poo, potty training or feeling overwhelmed.

Although I completely get how you feel, some of my friends became young mums before me and I always felt like “I’m happy to run around the soft play! Why wasn’t I invited” it’s more than that.

You have a partner, a pet, two jobs, take driving lessons, and make all your food from scratch - it sounds like you have a busy but lovely life!
It's understandable that it's difficult to fit in hobbies/clubs too.

I guess you and you partner spend time together, and do fun acitivities?

But I understand that you want to spend time with friends too, but like previous posters mentioned, it sounds like you and your friends are in different life stages right now.

(And I don't have children, so I also understand what it's like when almost all friends suddenly have kids.)

Are there any of your co-workers that you could befriend?

Thank you for your replies. It's just that I'm not being given the choice, even once. I agree it's not malicious and they don't dislike me, it's just hard because if I don't get in touch I will never see them. Added to the difficulty in making friends as an adult.

I would be focusing on having kids at 35. Especially if you want more than 1?

do you have any circumstances that might make them feel awkward (wrongly) ie infertility or being single ?

Good for you. Not what OP asked.

No, I'm engaged and not infertile AFAIK. I am sort of worried that they won't attend my wedding citing childcare issues or something or that if/when I have children they won't come to visit me or anything.

If this is the case, they're not really friends. Don't chase them.

I'm the same age as you and childfree by choice. I have friends with kids who've kept in touch, friends with kids who drifted away (because we both had busy lives) but who I now see quite a lot because their kids are a big bigger, and friends with kids who became pregnant and disappeared/changed so much I was no longer interested in staying friends. Group dynamics are always hard to manage, as I get older I definitely prefer seeing people one on one or in smaller groups.

@Duebubba2inJuly2026 Perhaps they are ranting to each other about how hard mum life is, the colour of their children’s poo, potty training or feeling overwhelmed.

Well, so? OP is their friend, why can't they rant to her? Personally I don't want to know these details, but if OP is planning to have children soon she probably is interested. Women without children aren't a different species.

Obviously i know that wasnt asked though is relevant as friends may assume shes not having any/doesnt like kids etc.
But being that bit older with teens now, i have also seen the rise in sen and with 2 parents just in my kids year who wrre late 30s and 40 or so having dc and both now looking to diagnose both kids with asd/adhd.
But anyway not even that some friendships change when you have kids.

i think generally people feel odd invitibg non parent to soft plays etc as its boring. Some places dont even allow a lone adult in

its normal once you have dc, to make friends with other parents, its just how it is. I think youll need to let that go, or at least lessen, and accept that.

are you saying these particular friends are your only circle?

what about work friends, neighbours, socialising with your fiancée and your mutual friends, friends from hobbies? I’d just up the amount I see those groups.

It isn’t just about ranting though @owlpassport. It’s about getting advice, solidarity etc none of which non parents can offer. Especially if they are your first newborn. You seek out other parents to reassure you 2 poos in one hour are normal etc

I must be an outlier to this as despite having 3 kids I never really wanted " mum" friends. All my friends with exception of one didn't ( and she met up minus her kids)

Simply I wasn't interested in baby talk etc. wanted my free time to not involve kids

Are they meeting in the day when you are at work? Do you invite them to meet up with you at child friendly places? Your childless friend doesn't seem like a friend at all, I would drop that one.

Yes that’s normal too, everyone is different. I still enjoy meeting up with childfree friends and not having to talk about kids all night. It sounds like OP’s friends don’t make an effort with her regardless

I'm sorry you're feeling left out OP. I wouldn't usually invite childfree friends to soft plays etc. Not because I don't want to see them, but because I don't think it would be fair on them or my children.

When I meet other mums the vibe tends to be 'we're all here with our kids and if we get time for a bit of a chat that's a bonus'. If childfree friends were there I'd worry they were bored and would feel obligated to concentrate on them, rather than my children.

While I understand needing friends with common ground, why does this mean they can't keep in touch with OP? If I got a new career I wouldn't automatically ditch any friends I'd met through my old career, even though we'd have less in common..? OP can offer support to her friends, and tbh the friends should also be offering support to her. It's not easy being the last of your friends to have kids, especially if you want them.

i'm having the opposite problem, my kids are older teens as i had them young then decided i was two and done by 27, and i have friends who're just starting their families in their late 30s/early 40s. i'm being excluded, like you, even though i am in perfect position for 'auntie' roll of being someone experienced with children, who adores them, is quite happy to help out/offer advice (when asked) and support.. but because i'm not in the 'new baby' dynamic am getting left out.

It doesn't mean they don't want your friendship though. What you may be missing that i'm not is that those first 2-4 years are incredibly intense, and it can be a very insular time where spare time for others is very limited and most support is online.