AIBU to tell DP I want to cut MIL out?

[Coffeebulletproof]

AIBU to want to stop all MIL contact? I am at the point I want to make myself unavailable when she wants to visit and be busy when invited over (admittedly these are few and far between now)… apologies for the very very long post but genuinely baffled if she has a MH problem? Or what is going on here ? Is it classic MIL syndrome ? Something I always denied was a thing.

Prior to my DD being born 1.5 years ago we got on super well. Honestly I couldn’t have asked for a better MIL. I considered us friends. We used to go out together alone and I couldn’t have dreamed this would happen to us.

Post DD birth she changed overnight. She grew distant, acted off. I hand on my heart did NOTHING different. I treated her (almost like) my own mother. I say almost because after the birth my mum came to stay with us for 4 days, as I had an EMC. I would have invited MIL too but her and FIL are joined at the hip. Literally, cannot do anything separate. Also, I didn’t want her clearing my blood and changing my pad. I actually admitted the latter to her. I saw her more than my own mother due to location (my mum lives on the other side of the country).

Examples of the behavior that has led to my current situation;

My Daughter was seriously ill, admitted to NICU multiple times. She got diagnosed with something serious (think birth defect) and had to operated on when I was 5 months PP.

Shortly after DDs stay in hospital, MIL had a full blown “MIL syndrome” episode. It started over nothing, a family WhatsApp group photo I posted, and she attacked me, saying my child was “unsafe” and we didn’t know how to parent. DP called her out (politely and privately) and she blocked him.

FIL called DP and SIL the next day said their mum was unwell and they “had to help her” and he needed to talk to them in person. When they got there, they were ambushed by FIL, MIL and MILs brother. The bizarre accusations that DP and SIL faced was unbelievable! They were attacked and she attempted to gaslight my DP, some of the accusations was that I had pushed MIL out of DD life! Complete fabrication! In fact, contrarily I had offered MIL to care for DD when I returned to work as SOON as I was pregnant and to pay her what she earns (she works PT at a supermarket) as she always said she didn’t want to do the job. She was so excited about it, used to talk about “when she had the baby”, but suddenly decided she didn’t want her shortly after DD got diagnosed with her health condition and when I was due back to work… this left me and DP in an awful situation with no childcare. FYI the health condition is no longer serious as she had corrective surgery. I asked her at the time why she didn’t want her anymore and it was OK I was just baffled, she said “she couldn’t leave her job and her friends”. I thought it was strange at the time but parked it. But now to be accused of pushing her out of DD life? I was very angry!

I went to MILs the next day after this ambush. She was SO aggressive to the point I thought she was going to hit me. I said she had been off since the birth and I asked WTF was going on with her? I spoke to her like my friend, like a sister said her accusations about me and DP were unfair, and how she treated DP was unacceptable. I don’t think anyone has stood up to her before and she took massive offence. One of the spiteful things she said to me that day was that I “need to get over the fact I’ve had a sick child” - bear in mind this was a WEEK after DD had had a major major life saving operation and I was only 6 month PP. FIL joined in, it go so bad I had to leave. Time passed and dust settled but little things started to happen again. Here are a handful of many many things that have led to this need for them to leave our lives:

• She said she couldn’t believe what happened the day DD was born, how she didn’t get to see her grandchild on that day, what if she (MIL) died?! This probably stems from the fact MIL has long term health condition but was no worse than it always is. She lives a normal life manages to get her nails and her done and lip fillers regularly 🤷‍♀️ Also for context both my mum and MIL were told at the same time when I was in labour and my mum chose to come to hospital and wait in foyer. MIL and FIL “got lost” as they refuse to use sat navs, they live 30 mins from the hospital yet my mums 3 HOURS. They then said they didn’t know where to park and were calling my DP who didn’t answer as I was getting an EMCC! They tried coming in at 10pm at night!

• arrived late to DDs first birthday party and both her and FIL were acting weird, also she then didn’t smile at ALL all day. BIL and I are close and he said he asked her at one point what was wrong and she said she had a mouth ulcer so it “would hurt to smile”

• Ruined our first Christmas as parents for my DP by having another emotional episode at our house over how to make her a coffee and then slammed our front door and left (on XMAS morning).

• On a recent visit to our house, She’s “off sick” from work atm as she still hates her job but is bored , I offer her to care for DD one day in the week, and she then makes bizarre excuses says she’s out that day. I found out from my DP it was a lie as she was home all day. She then writes in family chats and informs other family members she never gets to see DD

• MIL and FIL very occasionally (3 time per year) look after MILs brothers dog. I have always said I am not happy visiting when he’s there as he is a large breed and not familiar with kids. It’s not even that often. When I told this to my FIL again for the 100 time, I heard him slagging me off to my MIL when I went to the toilet. They are both as toxic as each other

• I had an ectopic pregnancy and was seriously unwell. I had no one to help me and DP asked if she could come and sit with me when he went to work for half a day. He asked her not to bring FIL (I heard the convo) as I didn’t want a man around as I was leaking blood everywhere. They both arrived and FIL come in. She didn’t once say to leave knowing how uncomfortable I felt woman to woman I just can’t get over this.

• says she can’t wait for more Grandchildren yet doesn’t bother with the one she has

• Got irritated and angry when I told her the theme of DDs birthday as she “doesn’t know the characters” also annoyed with me rolling her eyes and giving me the “head mistress” look because I didn’t get the cake maker she wanted , and “it’s SO important about the taste!!!!” Tutting and cold after this.

• Had an episode over a meal some months ago when BIL was talking about his home country (he’s Asian). She said BIL was trying to take her daughter (SIL) away from her, ruined the meal and left hysterical crying

• last weekend was SILs birthday. We all visited. MIL asked normal for 30 minutes asking me how DDs week was and general chit chat. Then, switched. Wouldn’t talk to anyone, sat on her phone in the corner. Genuinely like she was two personalities

• Didn’t see us or DP for a month as DD had a cough. She was “scared she will catch it”, but is happy to be around her family members who had COVID

• she’s regularly slagging off her family to all of us, but then is nice as pie when she sees them. I’m talking, really spiteful things. Makes me think what she does behind my back!

I used to think MIL syndrome was made up, but now I am really unsure what the hell is going on? I don’t want her in our lives especially DDs given her emotional manipulation, gaslighting and erratic almost schizophrenic switching.

Also I now understand why BIL hates her. I was always on the fence as to why MIL and BIL had a frosty relationship (similar situation to what happened with me but it started with SIL and BILs wedding as opposed to grandchildren).

And yes I have tried to ask her what’s wrong, the day it all kicked off at her house I went their with good intentions to resolve everything I asked her what’s wrong I could do to make it right but it was full blown gaslighting. She blames us, changes facts to her fiction and gets very very angry and defensive.

I’ve asked DP, he genuinely doesn’t see it because she’s apparently “always been like this”. I’ve never really dug further but I do know that DP and his ex wife partied ways (I’m sure lots of other reasons) but it culminated with an argument between his Ex and MIL.

WTF do I do?

It sounds like a serious mental health issue

I don’t think it’s fair to call it ‘MIL Syndrome’ Just reading on MN these sort of reactions can come from either side of the family.

But she does sound like she’s having some MH issues, and it may, in her mind , relate to her displacement- perhaps she thought of herself as the Matriarch type, but, turns out, her adult dc and their spouses are beyond her control.

Whatever the reason, I would be just dropping the rope. Don’t initiate meets, if your DH wants to do that, then great. Don’t invite her to yours, mute the in-laws on WhatsApp etc.

She’s unhinged but not yours to fix.

It sounds like you're all way to involved with each other. I'd tell your DP that she's utterly toxic and you don't want to see her or have her around your child. He can go and see them if he wants to but I would distance yourself as much as possible. He might be prepared to put up with her drama but you don't have to.

She sounds unwell tbh. Is she like this all the time ie with other people?
Has she had a head injury? Could it be dementia?
It all sounds very bizarre. I would be going nc if the behaviour isn’t illness related.

What is your SILs take on it all? It sounds as though your MIL has it in for her entire family and wants everyone to suffer, but it does seem to be either some form of mental illness or dementia (but she doesn't sound that old?). It does sound as though FIL is enabling her completely - is it worth your DH having a quiet word with his dad and asking what's going on, as he might have some insight.

But definitely keep your distance. And I say that as a MIL myself.

based on what you said about your dp and his ex wife, your only option is to stay far away from her or you’ll break up anyway.

She's a cunt...
I haven't seen my mil since ds was 3 months old..
He's now 11.
11 years old..
Life is blissful.
No need you ever need to see her..
She sounds unhinged..

Her loss. I wouldn't make a big thing abou'cytting her out' because you will just be seen as the bad guy. Just go low contact. Don't arrange anything but see you sil regularly and support her.

MIL syndrome isn’t a “thing”, and it’s really unfair of you to call it that. Not all MILs are the same - mine is a cunt, but my sister’s MIL is fabulous. In most cases, if you’re nasty in general then the chances are that you’re going to be the same to everyone regardless of who they are

Even if she does have MH problems, you need to just keep away. It doesn’t matter why someone acts like an arsehole, the outcome is still the same

It sounds like she played nice with you until she felt she didn’t have to anymore, and promptly dropped the mask. I don’t think the timing as accidental either - when family attention was understandably on you and your child, she made sure to shove you both out of the way and claim the spotlight. If her behavior is diagnosable, and none of us here can say whether this is the case, I would speculate a personality disorder over mental illness tbh.

Regardless of the underlying cause though, you don’t have to subject yourself or your child to this. You shouldn’t subject yourself or your child to this (while it may be hurtful, it’s honestly fortunate that she isn’t interested in your child). Don’t pander to her. Don’t fawn over, or chase after her. Don’t assume your assigned role, and don’t play the game at all. You won’t win, you’ll just get drawn into an endless drama.

Her entire family, particularly FIL, enable her, and by the sounds of it will prioritize her over and above any other consideration. That your partner’s wife left him over this was a huge warning sign you unfortunately didn’t heed, but I’m sure he presented his ex wife as being the issue (and he probably does indeed believe that the fault lies with those not that won’t just put up and shut up). He’s been raised with this being normal, and trained to pander to his mother. As an adult, he’s had opportunities to break away from this dynamic, but he’s chosen to remain in it (to the point of losing his marriage). Don’t expect him to side with you, or choose you, over her. Also, don’t think you have to martyr yourself to ‘save’ him if/when he doesn’t. You don’t. He may be a victim of his family, but someone being a victim doesn’t mean they can’t also be a perpetrator. Prioritize yourself and your child.

I don’t think you need to express it as “cutting her out” but I do think smilingly, cheerfully refusing to spend time with her is the best way forward for you. I would frame it more as “For reasons I don’t understand, spending time with me seems to upset your mother. And she isn’t very nice to me so I’m going to (insert alternative activity here)….” and simply do not spend time with her.
Your DH doesn’t need to choose between you and her but she’s not your mother and he ought to respect your right to say no thank you to spending time with her. He can hardly argue that it’s a positive experience for any of you.

Your reference to MIL syndrome is off putting and the story isn’t particularly coherent so it’s hard to tell what the issue is. I noticed the bit about not wanting her cleaning up your blood and changing your pad after your C Section, which didn’t resonate despite having had 3 myself and my DD just having one, so maybe you are a bit dramatic and it’s six of one and half a dozen?

Sounds like classic matriarch behaviour. Everyone falls into their assigned roles and has learnt to not rock the boat by keeping her happy thus enabling her behaviour. As this is something both you and BIL or experiencing j would suggest she perceives those outside the family of origin as a threat. The hysterics over SIL taking BIL away is a prime example of this.
I also think she is jealous of your mum and the time you spent with your mum assisting you. This is about her issues.
unfortunately it impacts on your little family too. Your DH doesn’t fully see it yet but always pacifying her has led to this. He does need to consider his actions in this but it’s not good tha one marriage has failed in part due to this. Definately distance from her. Sorry OP.

That's not mil syndrome

That sounds like she is unwell

Personality disorder, mental health issue, whatever the cause, you need to stay away from her if she verbally harangues you every time you see her and you thought she was going to assault you.

She's not the primary woman who can give orders and you all snap to and cater to her every whim, she's so unreasonable that it would be impossible.

You'd be best off to go no contact and while your DH can see her or not as he chooses, he's going to have to have your back and support you on this. If he doesn't, there goes wife 2 because it would be nuts to put up with this in your life.

Or what is going on here ? Is it classic MIL syndrome ? Something I always denied was a thing

Because it's not a thing.

Your Mum is also a MIL. Does she behave like this?

And the "changing pads" thing is just weird.

No idea what 'MIL syndrome' is supposed to be.

But it sounds like she liked you until you produced a grandchild that was ill. Then even worse you failed to produce the second grandchild.

You haven't lived up to the role she had for you in her head - because it was impossible.

Your DH and BIL already know how to manage her 'you know what she's like' and generally stay LC or just agree with her to avoid stress. You have learned the hard way that this is the only way to cope with her.

Jeez I thought i had an awful MIL- at least mines now just pretends I don't exist but my husband is now very low contact with her anyway. In your shoes I wouldn't have anything to do with this woman or allow my DD to be around her, she sounds like she has massive mental health issues. Your husband should probably go very low contact as well (or no contact) to protect his own sanity. Obviously he has to make his own decisions but you need to protect yourself. I honestly couldn't deal with all that drama

Appreciate all the comments here. Truly. I don’t know what else to do than raise this tonight with DP. I think her issue is a combination of the breakdown of her reign as matriarch and also potentially a MH condition like a personality disorder as the switching is seriously concerning.

@FuckOffWithYourFlannelNonsense re changing pads - sorry but I only felt comfortable my mum helping me with that stuff. Also, like I said she’s co dependent with FIL so there’s no way she’d come and stay.

@ohfourfoxache I know I didn’t really believe it either. Just bad people. I just don’t know any other explanation , was a genuine Q like is it a thing or does she seem ill?

re the Ectopic - I didn’t want FIL around or my own Dad for that matter. It was a very personal time in which I almost died from. I didn’t want a man like him around me, but was told by hospital I couldn’t be alone with a baby due to haemorrhaging my mum was in hospital at the time too so I went to the next best person. I still used to think of her how I “used to” at that point. Like I said I loved her.

Out of all of this it’s just sad. I really loved her. I probably sound bias but DP and SIL are good people and good kids to her and the way she treats them just kills me. Lots of small snippets I’ve been told about their childhood make sense now. Neither have bad mouthed her. The only thing I’ve got out of DP was “he was never allowed to feel anything it was always her feelings that come first” as kids.

Also BIL is a kind , soft, harmless Buddhist and even he faced her nastiness. I still feel bad and guilty because at the time of their big argument I was really close with MIL and I feel that I sided with her (in my head).

@AnnaMagnani I know me neither. Funnily enough that thought crossed my mind about my child being “imperfect” in her eyes. However , she was like this to BIL before DD came along

She sounds like a toxic nightmare and you need to back right off. She isn't a safe person to have around your DD so you need to make other arrangements for child care.

I don't know if she is ill or has a personality disorder, but her behaviour is crazy and unsafe for you and your child.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat SIL is a gentle soul. Literally not an ounce of nastiness. She’s quite anxious internally and admits she just shuts up and puts up with MIL. She’s stopped making excuses for her behavior to BIL. We all kind of know and feel the same. I’m just struggling because of my DD. She comes first now.

@thepariscrimefiles this is exactly why I posted today I don’t ever want her to care for DD. The past week her insanity has reared its head again (hence why I have now suspected a cyclical MH condition). If it was just me I’d just get on with it, but I feel we need to take action now. Fortunately I am blessed I have found a lovely small nursery near our home and she goes there. I consider what’s happened a blessing too - that she didn’t want her anymore and she’s never been in her care alone.

She’s just a selfish bitch and won’t change. My MIL similar. Wants attention and then acts up when she doesn’t get it. Avoid her as best you can and ignore her comments because a reaction is what she wants. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Thankfully she’s not your mother or your responsibility.

Your mother in law is unwell. She is too unwell to look after your child - so just forget about that idea completely. She needs help, but your husband and father in law should arrange this: you can support them but you cannot sort it out yourself. I’m no expert but I guess their first port of call should be the GP - hopefully he/she will be able to advise next steps.