AIBU to tell DP I want to cut MIL out?

[Coffeebulletproof]

AIBU to want to stop all MIL contact? I am at the point I want to make myself unavailable when she wants to visit and be busy when invited over (admittedly these are few and far between now)… apologies for the very very long post but genuinely baffled if she has a MH problem? Or what is going on here ? Is it classic MIL syndrome ? Something I always denied was a thing.

Prior to my DD being born 1.5 years ago we got on super well. Honestly I couldn’t have asked for a better MIL. I considered us friends. We used to go out together alone and I couldn’t have dreamed this would happen to us.

Post DD birth she changed overnight. She grew distant, acted off. I hand on my heart did NOTHING different. I treated her (almost like) my own mother. I say almost because after the birth my mum came to stay with us for 4 days, as I had an EMC. I would have invited MIL too but her and FIL are joined at the hip. Literally, cannot do anything separate. Also, I didn’t want her clearing my blood and changing my pad. I actually admitted the latter to her. I saw her more than my own mother due to location (my mum lives on the other side of the country).

Examples of the behavior that has led to my current situation;

My Daughter was seriously ill, admitted to NICU multiple times. She got diagnosed with something serious (think birth defect) and had to operated on when I was 5 months PP.

Shortly after DDs stay in hospital, MIL had a full blown “MIL syndrome” episode. It started over nothing, a family WhatsApp group photo I posted, and she attacked me, saying my child was “unsafe” and we didn’t know how to parent. DP called her out (politely and privately) and she blocked him.

FIL called DP and SIL the next day said their mum was unwell and they “had to help her” and he needed to talk to them in person. When they got there, they were ambushed by FIL, MIL and MILs brother. The bizarre accusations that DP and SIL faced was unbelievable! They were attacked and she attempted to gaslight my DP, some of the accusations was that I had pushed MIL out of DD life! Complete fabrication! In fact, contrarily I had offered MIL to care for DD when I returned to work as SOON as I was pregnant and to pay her what she earns (she works PT at a supermarket) as she always said she didn’t want to do the job. She was so excited about it, used to talk about “when she had the baby”, but suddenly decided she didn’t want her shortly after DD got diagnosed with her health condition and when I was due back to work… this left me and DP in an awful situation with no childcare. FYI the health condition is no longer serious as she had corrective surgery. I asked her at the time why she didn’t want her anymore and it was OK I was just baffled, she said “she couldn’t leave her job and her friends”. I thought it was strange at the time but parked it. But now to be accused of pushing her out of DD life? I was very angry!

I went to MILs the next day after this ambush. She was SO aggressive to the point I thought she was going to hit me. I said she had been off since the birth and I asked WTF was going on with her? I spoke to her like my friend, like a sister said her accusations about me and DP were unfair, and how she treated DP was unacceptable. I don’t think anyone has stood up to her before and she took massive offence. One of the spiteful things she said to me that day was that I “need to get over the fact I’ve had a sick child” - bear in mind this was a WEEK after DD had had a major major life saving operation and I was only 6 month PP. FIL joined in, it go so bad I had to leave. Time passed and dust settled but little things started to happen again. Here are a handful of many many things that have led to this need for them to leave our lives:

• She said she couldn’t believe what happened the day DD was born, how she didn’t get to see her grandchild on that day, what if she (MIL) died?! This probably stems from the fact MIL has long term health condition but was no worse than it always is. She lives a normal life manages to get her nails and her done and lip fillers regularly 🤷‍♀️ Also for context both my mum and MIL were told at the same time when I was in labour and my mum chose to come to hospital and wait in foyer. MIL and FIL “got lost” as they refuse to use sat navs, they live 30 mins from the hospital yet my mums 3 HOURS. They then said they didn’t know where to park and were calling my DP who didn’t answer as I was getting an EMCC! They tried coming in at 10pm at night!

• arrived late to DDs first birthday party and both her and FIL were acting weird, also she then didn’t smile at ALL all day. BIL and I are close and he said he asked her at one point what was wrong and she said she had a mouth ulcer so it “would hurt to smile”

• Ruined our first Christmas as parents for my DP by having another emotional episode at our house over how to make her a coffee and then slammed our front door and left (on XMAS morning).

• On a recent visit to our house, She’s “off sick” from work atm as she still hates her job but is bored , I offer her to care for DD one day in the week, and she then makes bizarre excuses says she’s out that day. I found out from my DP it was a lie as she was home all day. She then writes in family chats and informs other family members she never gets to see DD

• MIL and FIL very occasionally (3 time per year) look after MILs brothers dog. I have always said I am not happy visiting when he’s there as he is a large breed and not familiar with kids. It’s not even that often. When I told this to my FIL again for the 100 time, I heard him slagging me off to my MIL when I went to the toilet. They are both as toxic as each other

• I had an ectopic pregnancy and was seriously unwell. I had no one to help me and DP asked if she could come and sit with me when he went to work for half a day. He asked her not to bring FIL (I heard the convo) as I didn’t want a man around as I was leaking blood everywhere. They both arrived and FIL come in. She didn’t once say to leave knowing how uncomfortable I felt woman to woman I just can’t get over this.

• says she can’t wait for more Grandchildren yet doesn’t bother with the one she has

• Got irritated and angry when I told her the theme of DDs birthday as she “doesn’t know the characters” also annoyed with me rolling her eyes and giving me the “head mistress” look because I didn’t get the cake maker she wanted , and “it’s SO important about the taste!!!!” Tutting and cold after this.

• Had an episode over a meal some months ago when BIL was talking about his home country (he’s Asian). She said BIL was trying to take her daughter (SIL) away from her, ruined the meal and left hysterical crying

• last weekend was SILs birthday. We all visited. MIL asked normal for 30 minutes asking me how DDs week was and general chit chat. Then, switched. Wouldn’t talk to anyone, sat on her phone in the corner. Genuinely like she was two personalities

• Didn’t see us or DP for a month as DD had a cough. She was “scared she will catch it”, but is happy to be around her family members who had COVID

• she’s regularly slagging off her family to all of us, but then is nice as pie when she sees them. I’m talking, really spiteful things. Makes me think what she does behind my back!

I used to think MIL syndrome was made up, but now I am really unsure what the hell is going on? I don’t want her in our lives especially DDs given her emotional manipulation, gaslighting and erratic almost schizophrenic switching.

Also I now understand why BIL hates her. I was always on the fence as to why MIL and BIL had a frosty relationship (similar situation to what happened with me but it started with SIL and BILs wedding as opposed to grandchildren).

And yes I have tried to ask her what’s wrong, the day it all kicked off at her house I went their with good intentions to resolve everything I asked her what’s wrong I could do to make it right but it was full blown gaslighting. She blames us, changes facts to her fiction and gets very very angry and defensive.

I’ve asked DP, he genuinely doesn’t see it because she’s apparently “always been like this”. I’ve never really dug further but I do know that DP and his ex wife partied ways (I’m sure lots of other reasons) but it culminated with an argument between his Ex and MIL.

WTF do I do?

The other thing I’d add is her self-fulfilling prophecies - like saying I’ve tried to keep her out of DDs life and pushed her out, or how BIL is trying to steal SIL. Is this a genuine sign of a particular disorder? I’ve been Googling today

shes making me not want her in DDS life because of behaviour , no one is going to emotionally bully my child

also, BIL confided he’s been depressed over this whole thing that he now can’t imagine his life here and has suggested going home to Asia with SIL - something he never ever visioned when moving here. He said he feel sick everytime they see her (tbf I do too now) on edge waiting for her to kick off and also how he has no family here. I have assured both he and SIL will always have us. We are family

She's almost certainly got some kind of MH issues but I'm not really understanding why you continue to ask her to watch your dd/to help you in vulnerable situations when she's shown herself to be like this? I have an in law a bit like this, blows hot and cold and can behave very unreasonably - not to the same toxic extent you've described - and I limited contact the first time I saw it. Boundaries are hugely important or else there will always be a push and pull around expectations, and you need to agree with your DH what these are. I hope he can see why they're needed too, for your family's sake.

Sorry my timing on the posts didn’t read well…. The last offer was before she started acting nuts again. Like I said, I gave her an olive branch.

I’ve tried :

• Calm conversations
• Direct questions
• Kindness
• Inclusion
• Offers of childcare
• Emotional openness
• Giving benefit of the doubt

All of those made things worse, not better.

OP, she is a dangerous unhinged woman with some type of personality disorder.
Her husband sounds like a creep.

I think it is frankly unbelievable that you have tolerated that long list, particularly your FIL in your home when you specifically asked for him not to be.
THAT is not normal behaviour either, to accept such a trampling of your boundaries.

I don't mean to be harsh but these are unhinged nasty people, they deliberately disregarded your wishes.
Your partner should be apoplectic at this, but he accepted it?
Again not normal.

I wouldn't allow them near my child and I would be telling my partner that it is a deal breaker.

Your child is so vulnerable.
You need to take this very seriously.

You can do as you like. As can your partner - if he wants to see his mother then all good.

re changing pads - sorry but I only felt comfortable my mum helping me with that stuff. Also, like I said she’s co dependent with FIL so there’s no way she’d come and stay

Your MIL sounds nuts but tbph op I do wonder if you're also a bit high maintenance/dramatic. Why on Earth did you want your mum to help you change your pad and be 'clearing your blood'? That's...odd. Haven't you been changing your own pads for many years by now?

She had an emergency c section - we don’t know how difficult the recovery was

You can’t solve this or make it better. Engaging with it will only feed and perpetuate it, and you’ll find yourself repeating the same endless cycle. There may be periods of calm, but you won’t be able to relax because you’ll be waiting for the next blow up.

You’ve got to be clear sighted and recognize what is and isn’t within your power to control. This is an engrained family dynamic that was established decades ago, and you will either find yourself sucked into her orbit, or chewed up and spat out if you’re not careful. All you can do is stop engaging, and keep your distance.

100% this. It will destroy you and your family. You will always be ruminating over the situation and waiting for the next bout of poor treatment from MIL.
set your boundaries but know that you cannot control the actions of others other your response to those actions.

Stop making an effort with her and trying to make things equal between your mum and MIL. Your mum is kind to you and your MIL isn’t so they’re not equal. There might not be a mental health condition. She’s probably just nasty. Stay away from her.

Don’t cut her off completely. That would not be fair as she is obviously suffering from some undiagnosed condition, probably MH. However you should try to protect yourself. Limit your own contact with her. Let DP take your child over to see them sometimes. Arrange to be out if she is scheduled to call on Dp and child.
Above all try not to take it personally. It is probably little to do with you and all to do with her relationship with FIL and DP now or in the past. Good luck.

I the BIL in your scenario and You could be my future SIL...
The wedding is later this year.

Mil has been doing her Grade A charm offence on SIL and her family and I guarantee you she has NO clue what she is letting herself in for.

The things I have seen 🫣😅😭🤯🥴🥴🥴

Her children know her and have told you what shes like. You met her in an upswing of the cycle.

My mil and aunt both have complex mental illness / matriarch madness going on.
This sounds similar.

Both women can be incredibly charming and interesting both if you know them long enough it doesnt last.

Good luck (you'll need it)

I think this is everything to do with you 'choosing your mother over her'when. Your daughter was born OP.

It's obviously a mental health issue and there isn't anything you can do to make it better,. because you haven't done anything wrong. She feels slighted and she will never 'forgive' you for it.

I'm don't get the wanting hands on nursing when PP though. Changing your own pads is a thing. Obviously that's another world to mine thing so I'll not understand it I think. Help with the baby absolutely, fetching carrying for a few days. But intimate care is a bit weird.

You're within your rights to fuck her off though. This won't recover, don't waste your energy.

It can potentially be a sign of many.

You’re making the mistake of assuming that she actually believes this to be the case, and that she wants a peaceful, happy family life. You’re trying to find common ground with her as if you want the same thing. You don’t.

Some people thrive on creating misery and chaos. They relish destabilizing those around them, and controlling them emotionally. Some people like depicting themselves as the victim of a particular target, despite the target being the actual victim.

Right now you’re confused at the switch up in her personality and behavior. She picked a time when you were at your most vulnerable to put you on the back foot. You’ve done exactly what she wanted - you’ve scrambled in an attempt to restore harmony and find your footing, but she’s made sure to keep the ground moving under you. You’re not meant to find your footing, or know what’s going on. You’re not meant to know that you’re being drawn into playing a game.

Some people reveal their true colours after a baby is born. My MIL did and we cut her out of our lives. Edited to add - why should an innocent child be forced to spend time with a nasty individual?

She is a drama queen on cocaine.
There is no way I could forgive her.
I hope that your DP agrees that you should both cut her off.

Also, I didn’t want her clearing my blood and changing my pad. I don't know, I don't think she is all the problem. This is very strange and hints at something else perhaps reflecting back at you.

Perimenopause/ early onset dementia?

You and BIL need to cut her out. If DH and SIL don’t want to, then they need to see her separately. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Are you serious? What on earth is wrong with someone not wanting someone else to change their pad??

I think you’ve done all you can, nothing’s going to change. I’d end all contact now and stop inviting her over. Her lies have become the truth. Now they are no longer a part of your lives. Your husband can call up and check in with them. But they cannot come into your home.

My mil was a woman I considered decent... She wanted actively to get to know my dc...
When we had her biological dgc she backed away at speed.. I had an emcs and nearly died..
She never once asked after either of us.
We moved less than an hour away and she emailed anyone and everyone she could telling them we had taken dgc away from her..
We had previously lived 6 mins drive away and she visited twice..
I gave up trying to figure her out.
Left her to her flounce when we uninvited her from our wedding...

It sounds like she's always been like this to some extent - just getting worse with age. See what DP wants to do - low contact might be a good start.

Whilst she does sound unwell you sound like bloody hard work.
Your language is off - your DD had surgery yet you refer to it as YOU being 5 months PP, helping change YOUR pads wtaf!
You complain that she is moaning about not seeing her DGD yet you offer her a day a week when she would have to give up her job ( regardless of if she likes it or hates it) as that suits you.
You go round after a big row, why is your DP not grown up enough to sort it out?
I could point out more but quite frankly after MIL syndrome I can't be arsed and your DM is also a MIL but I would imagine she's perfect!

Sorry OP sounds 6 of 1, half dozen on another.

Hey yeah fuck that, just cut her off. You don't owe her anything. Leave any groups she's in, stop going to see her, stop making any effort.

I have done the same and my life is so peaceful for it! I don't need her toxicity in my life...!