AIBU to tell DP I want to cut MIL out?

[Coffeebulletproof]

AIBU to want to stop all MIL contact? I am at the point I want to make myself unavailable when she wants to visit and be busy when invited over (admittedly these are few and far between now)… apologies for the very very long post but genuinely baffled if she has a MH problem? Or what is going on here ? Is it classic MIL syndrome ? Something I always denied was a thing.

Prior to my DD being born 1.5 years ago we got on super well. Honestly I couldn’t have asked for a better MIL. I considered us friends. We used to go out together alone and I couldn’t have dreamed this would happen to us.

Post DD birth she changed overnight. She grew distant, acted off. I hand on my heart did NOTHING different. I treated her (almost like) my own mother. I say almost because after the birth my mum came to stay with us for 4 days, as I had an EMC. I would have invited MIL too but her and FIL are joined at the hip. Literally, cannot do anything separate. Also, I didn’t want her clearing my blood and changing my pad. I actually admitted the latter to her. I saw her more than my own mother due to location (my mum lives on the other side of the country).

Examples of the behavior that has led to my current situation;

My Daughter was seriously ill, admitted to NICU multiple times. She got diagnosed with something serious (think birth defect) and had to operated on when I was 5 months PP.

Shortly after DDs stay in hospital, MIL had a full blown “MIL syndrome” episode. It started over nothing, a family WhatsApp group photo I posted, and she attacked me, saying my child was “unsafe” and we didn’t know how to parent. DP called her out (politely and privately) and she blocked him.

FIL called DP and SIL the next day said their mum was unwell and they “had to help her” and he needed to talk to them in person. When they got there, they were ambushed by FIL, MIL and MILs brother. The bizarre accusations that DP and SIL faced was unbelievable! They were attacked and she attempted to gaslight my DP, some of the accusations was that I had pushed MIL out of DD life! Complete fabrication! In fact, contrarily I had offered MIL to care for DD when I returned to work as SOON as I was pregnant and to pay her what she earns (she works PT at a supermarket) as she always said she didn’t want to do the job. She was so excited about it, used to talk about “when she had the baby”, but suddenly decided she didn’t want her shortly after DD got diagnosed with her health condition and when I was due back to work… this left me and DP in an awful situation with no childcare. FYI the health condition is no longer serious as she had corrective surgery. I asked her at the time why she didn’t want her anymore and it was OK I was just baffled, she said “she couldn’t leave her job and her friends”. I thought it was strange at the time but parked it. But now to be accused of pushing her out of DD life? I was very angry!

I went to MILs the next day after this ambush. She was SO aggressive to the point I thought she was going to hit me. I said she had been off since the birth and I asked WTF was going on with her? I spoke to her like my friend, like a sister said her accusations about me and DP were unfair, and how she treated DP was unacceptable. I don’t think anyone has stood up to her before and she took massive offence. One of the spiteful things she said to me that day was that I “need to get over the fact I’ve had a sick child” - bear in mind this was a WEEK after DD had had a major major life saving operation and I was only 6 month PP. FIL joined in, it go so bad I had to leave. Time passed and dust settled but little things started to happen again. Here are a handful of many many things that have led to this need for them to leave our lives:

• She said she couldn’t believe what happened the day DD was born, how she didn’t get to see her grandchild on that day, what if she (MIL) died?! This probably stems from the fact MIL has long term health condition but was no worse than it always is. She lives a normal life manages to get her nails and her done and lip fillers regularly 🤷‍♀️ Also for context both my mum and MIL were told at the same time when I was in labour and my mum chose to come to hospital and wait in foyer. MIL and FIL “got lost” as they refuse to use sat navs, they live 30 mins from the hospital yet my mums 3 HOURS. They then said they didn’t know where to park and were calling my DP who didn’t answer as I was getting an EMCC! They tried coming in at 10pm at night!

• arrived late to DDs first birthday party and both her and FIL were acting weird, also she then didn’t smile at ALL all day. BIL and I are close and he said he asked her at one point what was wrong and she said she had a mouth ulcer so it “would hurt to smile”

• Ruined our first Christmas as parents for my DP by having another emotional episode at our house over how to make her a coffee and then slammed our front door and left (on XMAS morning).

• On a recent visit to our house, She’s “off sick” from work atm as she still hates her job but is bored , I offer her to care for DD one day in the week, and she then makes bizarre excuses says she’s out that day. I found out from my DP it was a lie as she was home all day. She then writes in family chats and informs other family members she never gets to see DD

• MIL and FIL very occasionally (3 time per year) look after MILs brothers dog. I have always said I am not happy visiting when he’s there as he is a large breed and not familiar with kids. It’s not even that often. When I told this to my FIL again for the 100 time, I heard him slagging me off to my MIL when I went to the toilet. They are both as toxic as each other

• I had an ectopic pregnancy and was seriously unwell. I had no one to help me and DP asked if she could come and sit with me when he went to work for half a day. He asked her not to bring FIL (I heard the convo) as I didn’t want a man around as I was leaking blood everywhere. They both arrived and FIL come in. She didn’t once say to leave knowing how uncomfortable I felt woman to woman I just can’t get over this.

• says she can’t wait for more Grandchildren yet doesn’t bother with the one she has

• Got irritated and angry when I told her the theme of DDs birthday as she “doesn’t know the characters” also annoyed with me rolling her eyes and giving me the “head mistress” look because I didn’t get the cake maker she wanted , and “it’s SO important about the taste!!!!” Tutting and cold after this.

• Had an episode over a meal some months ago when BIL was talking about his home country (he’s Asian). She said BIL was trying to take her daughter (SIL) away from her, ruined the meal and left hysterical crying

• last weekend was SILs birthday. We all visited. MIL asked normal for 30 minutes asking me how DDs week was and general chit chat. Then, switched. Wouldn’t talk to anyone, sat on her phone in the corner. Genuinely like she was two personalities

• Didn’t see us or DP for a month as DD had a cough. She was “scared she will catch it”, but is happy to be around her family members who had COVID

• she’s regularly slagging off her family to all of us, but then is nice as pie when she sees them. I’m talking, really spiteful things. Makes me think what she does behind my back!

I used to think MIL syndrome was made up, but now I am really unsure what the hell is going on? I don’t want her in our lives especially DDs given her emotional manipulation, gaslighting and erratic almost schizophrenic switching.

Also I now understand why BIL hates her. I was always on the fence as to why MIL and BIL had a frosty relationship (similar situation to what happened with me but it started with SIL and BILs wedding as opposed to grandchildren).

And yes I have tried to ask her what’s wrong, the day it all kicked off at her house I went their with good intentions to resolve everything I asked her what’s wrong I could do to make it right but it was full blown gaslighting. She blames us, changes facts to her fiction and gets very very angry and defensive.

I’ve asked DP, he genuinely doesn’t see it because she’s apparently “always been like this”. I’ve never really dug further but I do know that DP and his ex wife partied ways (I’m sure lots of other reasons) but it culminated with an argument between his Ex and MIL.

WTF do I do?

@InterIgnis this is exactly how it feels now. You’ve described it perfectly. Last sentence is exactly what I’ll do, I can just imagine the drama if I say tomorrow we are going full NC. I can imagine the family members calling me up it’s all what she wants so I think I just need to limit any contact I can, be busy (I am I’m a bloody baby mum and work FT!) but neutral. Only see her if it’s larger family gatherings.

Why do you have to announce it ? Why do you - a grown adult / need help with pads ? Why did you only appear to offer time with dd if your mil looked after her instead of nursery? You both sound like drama llamas .

I should probably clear up re changing pads. I didn’t mean literally changing them , didn’t realise it was going to be a big focal point….but I was in hospital a week post c section due to complications. I couldn’t move at all was bed bound and then I really struggled at home again I couldn’t bend forward or stand unaided , yes I have hands but was incapable of going to the bathroom alone, but I couldn’t change a pad without agony and help, moving , discarding the bins etc. do you need any more info? 😂 There were times I would haemorrage golf ball sized clots over my bathroom floor and I needed help cleaning. Yes it was that bad.

sorry if you think it’s weird your mum helping you during that time. I didn’t want anyone else but my mum in that situation. Certainly not my DP. Plus. I wanted him to focus on DD and bonding.

Fortunately I’m thick skinned to these comments but bear in mind some people might not “just” be ill recovering for their reasoning. Think disabilities or cultural.

@Ezzee okkkk wow well the wording might be off I get that. But to clarify, she was offered PT care of DD throughout pregnancy. She was beyond ecstatic and jumped at the chance when I even mentioned childcare and said she didn’t want DD going to nursery, this excitement was throughout my entire pregnancy and a focus of her chats with me..,

She was happy with 3 days for the same pay she gets at her job. She wouldn’t accept more and said she would only accept the pay she got in work. No more.

The point when I say I offered her a day, was a social offer rather than formal. When she wasn’t at work, was off sick (not actually sick), and telling me she was bored. I said well DD isn’t at Nursery Wednesday, do you want to take her out or have her ? Or something to that effect

MiL syndrome is obviously made up. How could every single mother of a son (70- 80% of mothers world wide) possibly develop problem behaviour when her son marries? Put like that you see its a nonsense stereotype.
YOUR MiL however is clearly exhibiting extremely problematic behaviour. So much so, it does suggest she isn't in her right mind.
Not a lot you can do unless people closest to her raise concerns and she concurs. So in the meantime its perfectly reasonable to distance yourself.

Yours sounds exactly like mine. The same thing happened, we were very close and then she changed over night. Was not at baby point, was at marriage. You will never understand so please stops trying and have yourself the heartache I have felt. I am not in contact with her anymore and never will be again. My DH is low contact.

She sounds like a narcissist to me….shes been majorly triggered by the arrival of the first grandchild and therefore no longer being the centre of attention…sounds just like my dad and what happened with him after I had my first baby. I tried for afew years before going NC and it was the best decision for us and our family xx

Is she a narcissist? Does the attention need to be on her all the time?

You don’t need to announce it and you don’t have to reply to family members if they don’t support you. Don’t let your child near that woman.

@Feelfreee I meant announce to DP. But yes either way I won’t. He’s already said there’s nothing we can do, we all tried during the big argument / ambush to address and help her MH and behavior and it got thrown back at us. He says she’s always been like this . He’s never shocked.

No but she did want/need her own mum to do so. This is why the pp has mentioned it. For what it is worth I have never heard of anyone well enough to go home who needed help with this!

No need for big announcements.. Just stop mentioning her... Be less available. Block her number. Do can deal with any texts. .. We agreed mil's name would never be mentioned.. Worked a treat.

Your MIL and PIL are off the charts crazy. They may well both have MH issues.

You don't need to make a big deal about going no contact with them. Just make yourself unavailable to them.

You had every right to only want your mum around after the birth.

Could there be an actual mental health issue because she sounds like she has a split personality or something is going on here or perhaps she’s always been narcissistic. She has zero empathy - it sounds like a change in behaviour and she’s gotten very controlling and acting like the victim.

Your DP needs to protect and support you, so everything goes through him. He doesn’t have to hate his mum, but he needs to step up. I’d go very low contact.

Cocaine???? Where did OP mention that? I don’t remember reading about any cocaine

Cut her out. Don't engage, don't message or call. Have nothing to do with her.

It's a simile. Not literal.

Is this a genuine sign of a particular disorder? I’ve been Googling today

Don't google her symptoms. There is no point. It won't help you or DH to have a 'diagnosis' for her.
Just put her out of your mind.

No need to make a big thing about going LC / NC - just quietly do it.

when invited over (admittedly these are few and far between now)

how often? Because you are potentially giving all this an inordinate amount of brain space when really has a negligible impact on your life

And yet despite everything…. You
* I offer her to care for DD one day in the week, *. Happy to leave your baby with this woman that you despise and think is unhinged.

The changing pads and leaking blood everywhere is a bit weird OP. I had an EMCS and didn’t need anyone to change pads or clean up blood. You make it sound like a massacre! You surely USED pads so they would have contained everything - and no one would have needed to see any blood after your ectopic pregnancy. I think you’re being a bit OTT about that. I’m sorry that happened to you though.

However, everything else, your MIL I would have blocked as soon as she started acting the way she has been.

Unless it went drastically wrong somewhere, she would have been able to swap her own pads over.

Sorry but the pad thing is killing me😂 Thanks for the lolz.

Re my EMCC yes it wasn't "normal" . As stated above, I didnt ask my mum to literally peel a pad off.

... also re my ectopic, yes there was blood. Massive complications. Further surgery and lost a litre of blood in 24 hours in my own home. Yes, it was THAT bad. I didn't need to go into full details. But I was seriously unwell.

Why on earth have you recently been offering up your child to your MIL to have sole care for?

You brought it up like you were some princess needing help. You sound like a spoilt child. Your poor husband stuck between the two of you.

@SmittenApple it wasn’t recent, just more recent in terms of events, nor sole care. It was a day DH is home and I work in an external studio/ outside office. Honestly it was my last ditch attempt at an olive branch I know, foolish really. This is why I even posted on here, I always try to see the good in people, I always hoped the old version of her was in there somewhere and somehow all of this had been a silly misunderstanding .., in my stupid fantasy world I know. I just struggle to get how someone could be like this.