AIBU for thinking my partner is being unfair

[blueyavocado]

To provide a little context I live with my partner and 2 year old son, my partner is a stay at home dad at the moment and in doing a health care masters degree, which involves lengthy placements. I’m currently writing a 8000 word dissertation.

Anyway cut a long story short , I’m very tired , my son wakes at 5am and in the night, I’m busy in the evening cooking, cleaning and looking after our soon, then up late doing my work. My partner has never got up at 5am with our son and quite happily lays in until 10am even if I ask him to wake up. He doesn’t let me have the same lay in and insists I have it with our son at his nap time. If I do try and wake DP he gets very moody. he then moans because he’s tried and always says it’s absolutely exhausting looking after our son , which I know .

But he’s only been looking after him 10am -2pm most days on his own and the rest of my work I’ve been staying up late to do. He moans that he finds caring for our son exhausting , so I said why not get a job then and we take our son nursery, but he doesn’t want to start working until our son is 3 .

anyway little rant , AIBU for being annoyed ? I feel like he’s being really lazy

If he looks after your son for 4 hours a day, hes not a stay at home dad, hes a lazy twat.

Those ‘shifts’ at childcare aren’t fair or balanced. Just four hours a day then the rest of the time is left to you? And how are you left with the cleaning and cooking on top?

No wonder he wants to wait til DS is free and nursery kicks in; would be willing to bet he won’t do his share of the mornings or evenings then either.

Yanbu, either he is a sahd or he isnt?!

Nailed it!

Your partner sounds like a lazy arsehole.

Thats not being a SAHP. That’s being a dickhead.

I would start documenting. Keep all texts. Keep notes of who does what when. Sooner or later you’re going to get so sick of this you end it and you want to be in a position to show you’re the primary caregiver

If he won’t look after your DS for a full day whilst you work then he needs to get a job. You can’t work and do the childcare, you’ll burn out.

@blueyavocado do you work?

He isn’t a stay at home dad! He is a sperm donor that does a bit of babysitting.

If he’s the SAHD he needs to be doing the lion’s share of the childcare (including most 5am starts) and the cooking and cleaning. If he doesn’t want to do this he needs to get a job. He is clearly a massive lazy fucker.

The first post nails it.

If he doesn't want to parent then he isn't a SAHD. He needs to get off his lazy arse and get a job.

You've found yourself a lazy selfish grade A freeloader, who clearly doesn't give a toot about your wellbeing.

He doesn't work, expects you to do the lions share of the child care and leaves you to do the chores too. Who is paying the bills?

Get your ducks in a row. That is no way to spend your life. It will be considerably easier on your own.

Why doesn’t he want to work until the child is 3?

doing a health care masters degree, which involves lengthy placements. I’m currently writing a 8000 word dissertation.

He’s not a SAHD. He’s an unemployed man who does a bit of babysitting.

This.

How old are you and your partner OP?

Why does your partner want to wait until your son is three before getting a job?

Yes, looking after a child is exhausting, but your lives seem unfairly balanced. It sounds to me like you need to put firm boundaries in place asap.

I'm generally not in favour of saying the main care provider should necessarily do all the early starts and nights, because different people have different sleep needs and you're a team, not keeping score. For example, even when I was a sahm with DC my DH still did a fair bit of nighttime and early morning parenting because the sleep deprivation massively affected my mental health and he was more able to nap and catch up on sleep at other times. He worked from home so it wasn't a problem for him to have a mid-day nap during his lunch break occasionally. However, your DH should definitely be enabling you to work, so you shouldn't be doing childcare during the time you designate for work. In your shoes, I would define 8hrs in the daytime when you are working, and he looks after your child during that time. Housework and childcare in the evenings should be split equally (we alternate who cooks and who does bedtime, for example).

A SAHP that only does 10 til 2?!?! 🤣🤣🤣

What a cock lodger!

I would be getting rid of such a lazy twat or telling him to do his role properly.

That’s it, in a nutshell.

Is it that he doesn’t want your son to start nursery until he’s 3 because UC says he doesn’t have to work until then?

so he doesn't work and you still do the majority of childcare and housework? What on earth is he doing at home then?

MN has a term cocklodger that has been dying off a bit recently but this thread seems to require it to be revived. He is sponging off you, he is not a SAHD. You and your child deserve to have better people and in your child’s case role models in your life.

If you’re coming home in the afternoon to look after your DC, then stop right now.

Can you work in your uni or a local library for a couple of hours and cone back at 4/5 pm? If you were at the uni where I teach, you would be able to book a study carrel, and dissertation students get priority.

I’ve given this advice to mature students in similar situations quite a few times in my career. Those who followed it said they benefited, but you have to stay firm. One student said her partner tried to get her to come home by inventing emergencies. In the end she toughened up and turned her phone off having told him to take DC to A&E if there was an accident.

He is adding very little to your life, considering getting rid of him and putting your son into formal childcare whilst you complete your education.