Not to remove my daughter from ballet classes?

[BonfireNight1993]

My DD is 3, and she goes to a weekly ballet class. It's a great set up because it's near our house, at a good time on a weekend morning, and means we have some time together without her newborn younger sister. She loves wearing the tutu and she professes to want to go to ballet every week. But once we get there she doesn't follow the class at all. The other children broadly do what they're instructed, whereas my DD only joins in the bits she especially likes, and otherwise will go into a corner and explore, do her own dance, come and sit with me and watch the class, etc. The issue is that other children then see that this is an option and often copy her, meaning that they're not following the class properly. I worry that other parents find this frustrating.

I do tell her to join in, or encourage her, and I will sit with her in the circle, but then other kids also want their parents in the circle, which causes much the same problem. If it were a more official educational capacity then I'd be inclined to push her to follow the rules more, but it is on a weekend and supposed to be fun, so I'm in two minds. We need an activity on a weekend morning which gets us out of the house, doesn't involve screens and isn't impacted by terrible weather, and she says she wants to keep doing it. But I do worry that maybe we should bow out.

I sense she may have ADHD (I was diagnosed in childhood) but she's too young for me to look at having her diagnosed, and if she does have ADHD then I'm keen for her to learn coping mechanisms.

Have you spoken to the teacher? Perhaps get their opinion?

She's 3. If she's having fun that's enough to keep her in. Are there other 3 year olds in the class?

Your dad enjoys it sod the other parents. If they don't like it they can pull their kids out! I can't believe you are considering it. Also why are they staying to watch?

She's too young, not mature enough for a structured activity. Some children of her age are, others aren't.

I'd expect parents to have enough common sense to see this and withdraw their child until they're ready instead of disrupting other children's experience that their parents also pay for.

This sounds like an activitiy that is building connection between you two, and your daughter really loves it. How wonderful that you have this weekly ritual. So what if she isn't doing what she's supposed to! Maybe she'll be into interpretive dance when she's older! Like you said, it's not school. I'd just check with the teacher if she doesn't mind. If I was one of the other parents I wouldn't care at all as I understand that children enjoy activities like this differently. Ignore the haters who say she's too young for ballet!

She sounds fine - this is normal for 3! You will probably find this is different again in a few months. No need to take her out!

Seriously, my niece aged 6 (neurotypical) went to football sessions and used to dance around and pretend to be Elsa when she was in goal. Completely unfocused! She’s now 14 and super sporty. I wouldn’t overthink this to be honest.

I was this child, and I was just too little to be in the class at that age.

Talk to the teacher. Ask her what she would suggest/prefer.

But there are loads of other things you could be doing - I have a NT child and ND too and I honestly had to let go of some expectations.

3 is young to follow a class. If your child loves it and the teacher is fine with how things are, stick with it! But swimming, walks in the woods/park, other classes etc… All options.

Not sure about the screen free aspect - can’t think of many classes for 3 year olds with screens and if you want an easy life I’d suggest minimal screens at home anyway (CBeebies only here until my children were WAY older. Followed the advice of the tech giants and never had iPads etc)

Drives me mental when parents bring their kids to a structured activity then let them do whatever they like and disrupt the class. Not because my child then follows - she just ignores it/works round it - but precisely because why should her learning be interrupted by someone who can't be bothered to support their child to engage. It isn't the child's fault. I massively judge the parents though.

We have a little boy with adhd in her gymnastics class and his mum is on it - she is there supporting him to engage, using strategies appropriate to him, providing him movement breaks that don't distract the others etc. I really admire her, and he is learning and having a great time too.

If she doesn't want to engage, either parent her or don't take her.

My DD was just like this in a pre-school music class. She was diagnosed with inattentive adhd when she was 7. I'm really surprised by how many of us have had the same!

I'd keep going and gently encouraging her to join in. She isn't going to get more compliant by avoiding group activities. Though she also might just not get more compliant anyway.

My 3 yr old is the same. We just do parent and child classes till he’s ready to do it without me. I wouldn’t have thought adhd, just that he’s 3.
If it’s fine then stick with it but if it’s not working then I’d look to giving her a break for a term and trying again.

Your daughter sounds a lot like mine when she was that age. She did ballet when she was 3, but didn't like the "rules" so would do the bits she wanted to do, then would start fiddling with something or rolling on the floor or whatever she felt like doing.

We found she liked the movement but ballet and gymnastics were just too "disciplined" and structured for her. Thankfully we then found an acro-gymnastics dance class where they do some dance, but also handstands, crab, human pyramids etc... and it suits her beautifully. She has been doing this for 7 years now.

My dd was much the same when she did "ballet" at 3. She wanted to do it, i was luckily handed down the whole kit, signed up for the term. Did two classes and that was it. She and her friend wanted to do their dancing, lady was too shouty. The instructor (who, tbf was shouty) said she was going to suggest that it wasnt for her and refunded my money. No ADHD, generally a rule follower-just hated ballet.

Very unfair on the others. If she won't join in, take her out. If she cries and complains, tell her she can only attend if she does as she is asked, and joins in. Full stop.

I read through your post and it reminded me of my dd at ballet, except she wouldn't come and sit at me she would do a kind of pied piper of hamlin and lead all the other children into another dance. The teacher would get annoyed. She wouldn't listen. We put her into another class where parents couldn't sit in. She was a bit better but when we went to see her perform she needed 1-2-1 support to stay on track. The teacher said she was overtired. I suspected it wasn't overtiredness and yes, 2 years later she was diagnosed with ADHD.

Ballet doesn't suit her because it's too poised/slow. It's all about frame and hold. She's all about jumping! It also doesn't suit her because the ballet teachers tend to be strict and uptight and in our experience have underlying sense that they will break the ADHD out of her (one teacher said as much)

We switched her to street and she loves it and follows it really well - more jumping!

Surely 3 is too young for classes where all the children are expected to follow directions.
Why don't you invite the other little girl and parent to your house where they can wear their tutus and just dance /play without disrupting others?

My youngest struggled with rugbytots. And would escape up on the hall stage. We did do 12m and she was s bit better ny 4. At 4 she started swimming lessons and surprisingly that was fine.
She was a tricky toddler generally and tricky at home. But has always behaved at nursery and then school. So imo probably does have some mild adhd but wouldnt get a diagnosis as not disruptive at school.
However her dsis was similar as toddler but did then struggle at nursery and then school and all extracurricular activities. Over the years has then been excluded from 2. And would have been higher but most were school based.
So i think overall some kids are tricky toddlers but are ok at school etc
But if you get issues in reception start looking into it. Also it may not be adhd could be asd as those kids don’t necessarily care what other kids are doing nor about hierarchies etc. And that can be the case if speech delay or even advanced speech

She’s 3. It should be fun and relaxed!

if she enjoys the bits she does join in with and doesn’t disrupt the class by encouraging the other children to not join in or to run about then there is no reason why she shouldn’t continue, as long as you don’t feel like you are wasting your money.
Some of my best competitive dancers now started out aged 2/3 and spent most of the lesson in their first year of dance standing there picking their nose or whatever, usually children by age 5-6 sort themselves out into the ones who genuinely enjoy it and the ones who find the repetition boring (and who move on to another activity).

My DD was like this - would wander off and do her own thing in baby ballet and at the structured bit of toddler groups (where they sit together and sing). She was diagnosed as autistic at age 6 - the lack of joining in wasn’t the only sign obviously, she also had sensory and other social issues.

The only class that really worked was Playball (an introduction to sports starting from age 2), but that was because the teacher was brilliant and seemed to really understand her.

She’s 3, ballet classes and other such activities didn’t used to exist until school age for a reason!

I did ballet from 2.5 - loved it. Kept it up until I left uni (adult ballet wasn't really a thing back then). It has given me good posture and great joy...I'm now a Silver Swan!
Ballet doesn't have to be a lifelong passion but I am so pleased I was given the opportunity - and my back thanks me.

DD1 began ballet at 3.5y and to be honest didnt really get much out of it until she turned 4y. Luckily, the class was full of similarly minded 3yo so she wasnt out of sync! Now shes 4.5y and can really focus and follow the whole class. If you want, you could give her a couple of terms break and try again when shes closer to 4yo. It was amazing the difference in my DD, in just a couple of terms.

You might also want to consider if the age range of the class is too big. Our class was 2-4y, 4y-6y so quite nice. DD has just moved into the older class this term and has come home today raving about being able to try barre work. On the other ballet thread (which i also read), one of the issues was i think the age range of the class was very big.

@MiddleAgedDread I am mid 50s. Ballet classes for titchies certainly existed in the 1970s.

How long's she been doing it?

Dd1 started ballet classes at 3yo, desperate to do what her older friends were doing.
They didn't allow parents in, but the teacher said I could go in to help settle her.
The first term she basically sat on the side watching with me.

The second term she went in on her own as though she'd always done it and didn't look back.
I found as she got older she always did take a term to warm into anything new.

Dd2 skipped in at 2yo and loved it straight off. Ds started at 2.5yo and was more similar to dd1, but did go on his own, although if he wasn't sure about doing anything he'd just sit down and watch (which the teacher was happy with)

However I'd never go for a class which has parents sitting on the side (different if it's a parent and child and parents are doing the same) as it is so distracting for the children, and some of them get very self-conscious.

I'd pull her out and wait until she's old enough to go by herself.