Friend blaming ds for being a victim in a fight

[Noshadelamp]

I've been absolutely blindsided by my friend I was having lunch with earlier today who doesn't want to be friends anymore over what happened to my ds. We've known each other for ten years.

Ds is at university in Liverpool and lives in the city centre. He works in a bar in the city a few nights a week.

I was havinga nice lunch and catchmup with this friend today in Chester.

Around 2pm I got a call on teams from ds saying he'd been in the police station overnight and lost his phone as he was punched in the face by some random drunk man, but him back knocking him to the ground then roughly treated and injured by the police who thought ds started it.

I immediately left my friend and got a train to Liverpool to see him.

I'm with him now in a&e to check his face, jaw and ribs (ribs and scrapes on face from the police).

Ds did automatically hit the man back (just once) knocking him flat to the ground.

Police only saw the aftermath and grabbed hold of ds roughly, throwing him up against a shop shutter which scraped his face.

The man's girlfriend told the police it wasn't his fault but they didn't listen and put him in their car and took him to the station, where he was released without charge this morning.

So at a&e the triage nurse was telling ds to report the police as she sees this a lot, people coming in with injuries caused by police heavy handling.

But I just got a text from my friend saying that as much as she hopes he's ok, she thinks my ds must have done something as people don't go round randomly punching innocent people, and the police don't rough people up without being provoked.
So because of this, she doesn't want to be involved with my family as she fears ds isn't who she thought he was, and maybe I'm not either!

I'm still in shock at it all but aibu to not understand her reaction?

My son was randomly hit by a drunk stranger in a pub..his reflex was to push him back (not hit or punch) however the attacker did fall. There could have been dire consequences but thankfully not.

I'm not sure how courts respond if someone is attacked first? Surely it is self defence.

But your son’s friend was innocent, this man wasn’t. He was the aggressor.

I am so very sorry what happened to your son and I hope he makes a swift recovery. Depending on the officers they can be heavy handed at times. They might not officially have done anything wrong but from the way you describe it, it does sound like they treated your son poorly.

your „friend“ is nuts and I’d be replying „OK“ with a thumbs up. Block her and delete the number. She sounds uncaring and almost like she looked for a reason to slate you. She’s not your friend. Quite the opposite.

Your friend is pathetic and you don’t need people like that in your life. Block and move on

I know, but as DS1 said this attack has taught him a lot. If someone calls you a wanker on a night out, shrug it off, walk away it doesn’t matter. If you get hit, you might wake up with a black eye, but walk away because if you don’t and you throw a punch, just one punch, the consequences could be catastrophic for both parties and it’s just not worth it.

And that's all fair enough but if you're randomly attacked the problem is you don't know where the other person's line is.

There's literally nothing that someone could say to me that would goad me in to a fight.

They could say the most horrific things about my mother, wife or daughter and like your son I'd absolutely shrug it off. Who cares what some pisshead stranger is nonsensically shouting.

The problem with them actually getting physical is if they put me on the ground then depending on what kind of asshole they are, I could be fucked.
I've seen too many people booted around the back of the head outside some shitty pub to leave my faith in the hands of them realizing they're attacking someone for no good reason.

You have to fight back.

This woman is not your friend, what she is, is a judgemental twat. She put her own narrative on this.

She opened her stupid mouth without knowing the facts. She has made herself look incredibly ignorant. She has stated no facts just her personal opinion.

I would never speak to this person again. I hope your son is well and not too traumatised.

Your poor DS. Your friend is batshit.

What a horrible person your “friend” is. Take no notice and focus on your son.

Got to love all the mumsnet John Wayne's that are here saying "yeah good for smacking him one." Question is if it was one punch and the police were confident enough in the aftermath to rough up the son then a) they were close enough to see the punch that it wasn't necessary or b) the son was doing something that required them to stop him after the punch was landed. If it was just a man standing over another man calmly then why would any of that be needed? I've seen enough city centre confrontations that I know the police don't just assault a person for standing there ready to talk to them

Sometimes you don't/ can't see police misconduct (or even things that aren't misconduct but where the officers were imperfect humans and got it wrong) until it happens to you.

Your friend is operating with a level of naivety that comes from her own experiences of never seeing the police get it wrong.

Your friend is too happy to cast your son as the villain … and I would tell her so, and add that with her attitude you are in total agreement that she will no longer have any contact with your family as she certainly is not the person you thought she was

Have you responded to your ‘friend’ OP? If not, are you intending to?

It sounds as though she isn't the person that you thought she was. You're well rid.

Agreed. If you've been attacked, the 'Better be tried by twelve than carried by six' doctrine applies.

I'll add that the problem nowadays is that the aggressors no longer have any concept of a code of honour - getting someone down and putting the boot in seems to have become the norm.

I had a colleague who was jumped from behind at a bus station for the crime of wearing a football scarf. He suffered concussion.

Another colleague's son was jumped from behind on a night out. He was left with brain damage.

I know someone this has happened to and they said it was a natural reaction to hit back like fight or flight. I hope your son is your ex friend is mad.

Oh stfu

I hate all these delusional middle-class women who think the police are always correct and you’re not supposed to fight back if you've been attacked. You are absolutely delusional, and I hope one day you are made to eat your words. Please block that delusional woman and move on with your life. In months to come, I think you will come to realise she wasn’t as good a friend as you probably initially thought.

That’s no friend OP, fuck her, block and move on.

What a strange take from your friend.

I would let her go if she’s so quick to drop your friendship over something which was nothing to do with you.

AND is he supposed to run away leaving his girlfriend to the attentions of a random drunk man?

There are 2 ways to (try to) take control of a situation.

One is de-escalation - talk your way out of it / walk or run away. This is generally the only option for a woman or someone elderly or from an ethnic minority, but it isn't guaranteed to be successful by any means. And is often simply not available to a young man being attacked at nighttime by a drunk.

The other is immediate and swift escalation / proof of superior strength. This is very much the police preferred approach.

When the police saw the "fight" they won't have stopped to assess the rights and wrongs of it; they just took immediate control. They see one man down, therefore the man standing needs to be dealt with. Yes they were rough, but they had to take control of the situation quickly.

FWIW @Noshadelamp I don't think your son did anything wrong. And clearly nor do the police, they released him without charge.

Going back to your original question, she's not much of a friend, is she? What right does she have to impute blame on your son when the police didn't! And in any case, what does that have to do with her friendship with you, you're hardly responsible for his every action.

She may come round, but would you still want to be friends after this?