Friend blaming ds for being a victim in a fight

[Noshadelamp]

I've been absolutely blindsided by my friend I was having lunch with earlier today who doesn't want to be friends anymore over what happened to my ds. We've known each other for ten years.

Ds is at university in Liverpool and lives in the city centre. He works in a bar in the city a few nights a week.

I was havinga nice lunch and catchmup with this friend today in Chester.

Around 2pm I got a call on teams from ds saying he'd been in the police station overnight and lost his phone as he was punched in the face by some random drunk man, but him back knocking him to the ground then roughly treated and injured by the police who thought ds started it.

I immediately left my friend and got a train to Liverpool to see him.

I'm with him now in a&e to check his face, jaw and ribs (ribs and scrapes on face from the police).

Ds did automatically hit the man back (just once) knocking him flat to the ground.

Police only saw the aftermath and grabbed hold of ds roughly, throwing him up against a shop shutter which scraped his face.

The man's girlfriend told the police it wasn't his fault but they didn't listen and put him in their car and took him to the station, where he was released without charge this morning.

So at a&e the triage nurse was telling ds to report the police as she sees this a lot, people coming in with injuries caused by police heavy handling.

But I just got a text from my friend saying that as much as she hopes he's ok, she thinks my ds must have done something as people don't go round randomly punching innocent people, and the police don't rough people up without being provoked.
So because of this, she doesn't want to be involved with my family as she fears ds isn't who she thought he was, and maybe I'm not either!

I'm still in shock at it all but aibu to not understand her reaction?

Same.

…do you think, maybe, your son might not be telling you the full story ? Booze & Adrenaline can make the memory fuzzy.

By all means report the police, but expect to hear your son was violent, and resisting arrest.

Sad to say, not only have you had to cope with your son being abused by police but also discovered that your friend of many years is a vapid and desperately naive airhead. Go to where the incident happened and see if there's any CCTV footage (shops, flats, council etc) that proves your son is more than likely telling the truth. Also make a formal complaint to the police.

What a bizarre response by her. Not only does she certainly not have enough details to determine if he was at fault or not, she’s your friend not his, and ultimately what your grown adult son gets up to whilst living in a different city is entirely out of your control. If the fight had been between your son and hers then it’d be different but it’s nothing to do with her at all.

And FWIW, not that you need to be told, but bar staff being attacked unprovoked is not uncommon at all. My ex in my early 20s worked in a pub and there was a regular who evidently had a drink problem and would become a nuisance. One evening he told her he wouldn’t be serving her anymore because she was pissed as a fart and she retaliated by launching a sharp object at his face and caused injury. The only reason he didn’t retaliate physically was because it was a woman but the police were called. I’ve even seen videos of McDonald’s workers having hot cups of coffee thrown in their faces for getting an order wrong. I’d be more baffled by the fact she seems totally unaware of this stuff happening.

The friend has made a judgement without the full facts. In any case even if DS was wrong in his behaviour she should be supporting OP who is reeling.
In other words she hasn't behaved like a friend so it's good riddance.

I hope that all of those posters who can think clearly even when drunk and punched in the face are working jobs where there are high risks of being physically assaulted because that’s remarkable 👏

While the posters who say that more details may emerge soon, I totally disagree with OP’s friend that the police are never rough with victims of crime. That’s at best a naive pov from someone who has had no dealings with the institution.

Your friend is delusional

I wouldnt give her the time of day if I ever saw her again.

Hope ypur son is okay and files against the police.

Have some of you ever been in or witnessed a situation like that, sometimes in order to get away and avoid being punched again, you have to hit back in order to escape. And the police are often unnecessarily rough, it would be nice to think they were always gentle and fair, but it would be too much to expect of young men dealing with drunk people night after night, and full of adrenalin.
Your friend is a twat, and I'm so glad you've found out now, so you know she is not someone to depend on for support.

Do you have a lot of drama going on around you that you have to run off and sort and constantly talk about and was this the final straw if not and this was a one of incident then your friend is odd

Its very disappointing when a friend shows themselves to be judgemental, disloyal and stupid. I'm sorry this has happened on top of your worry about your son. I have two adult sons, and them being attacked has always been a worry. Its happened to friends of theirs, and whether they fight back or don't, either brings its own risks. I hope your son is OK and that you have other real friends.

Really?
Well I'd be saying "you have made judgements not knowing the actual situation, and I agree with you that we should not be friends"

Two incidences locally over Christmas of people being killed by a single punch/push, because the initial aggressor (drunk) then fell back and hit their heads. When this has settled, try to encourage your DS not to run the risk of fighting back. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

she thinks my ds must have done something as people don't go round randomly punching innocent people, and the police don't rough people up without being provoked.

Must be lovely to have lived the kind of life which facilitates such naive faith in people generally and the police.

I was leaving a concert with a boyfriend years ago, we were chatting to each other as we made our way to the carpark, there were a group of young men walking towards us going in the opposite direction, we had no interaction or eye contact with the group of men but as we drew level with them one of them just punched my boyfriend in the side of the head. No rhyme or reason, no provocation. I think random acts of violence are not uncommon, especially when people have been drinking.

I'm sorry this happened to your son. Let your friend go, her attitude is very odd. You could complain to the police but I imagine they will close ranks and you will get nowhere. Wrong but realistic.

No this is not correct. The first thing you are taught is to defend yourself from a direct threat, and then to get away immediately. The law also recognises acts of self defence.

@Noshadelamp Completely inappropriate for your friend to pass judgement. This fair weather friend is no loss.

YABU to defend him by saying it was only one punch. One punch has disabled someone I know.

Were they the aggressor though? Because if the OP’s son had attempted to flee the man could have chased him and hit him again, potentially fatally injuring him. None of us can know what is best in these situations unless we’re in them.

Of course police get things wrong they are human.

I saw police grab outside our house clearly the wrong man and shove him to the floor injuring him. They were chasing a car stopped outside our house junction two men got out and ran down and the hapless workman in work clothes was mistaken for a person in the car his mates were nearby pissing themselevs laughing and next door was out offering their CTTV to prove guy had nothing to do it. Twenty minutes to half an hour of being told by everyone they had wrong man - they got him up in cuffs and became aware they'd hurt him - they were apologetic and confused how they'd got wrong man.

I'd be tempted to text back - nice victim* *blaming police accept DS did nothing - he works in a pub and drunks are a hazzard and are well known to lash out randomly - but probably best to just block her and avoid any future interactions.

I think about things like this far too often. I travel by train with my children and I’ve sort of thought of ways to defend myself and them should a knife attack occur (I’m not naive enough to think it would go to plan when confronted with a knife wielding man) however, should I, by some miracle get the upper hand and be in possession of the knife whilst the attacker is immobilised I imagine that will be the point the police arrive and mistake me for the attacker knowing my luck.

I was Miss Goody Two Shoes at school. Went to Cambridge and promptly decided to protest against the poll tax - at a peaceful protest was pushed off a pavement at 5 ft 4 inches tall and 7 stone by a burly 6 ft 6 inches tall a policemen who called me a labour whore(?) wtf 🤬 I got a black eye and collided with a car. I was doing nothing. Unfortunately for him a friend’s father was high up in the police and he got a right ear bashing by his duty officer and was sent round to apologise. (1990s)

In 2007 my nasty and abusive ex husband had agreed in writing to stay away from the house after assaulting me. He then turned up a week later and I phoned the police a female officer attended and first off gave me a lecture about not being a good mother as my children were in the house and every child needs a father (he was in the police) she coerced me into letting him in and then proceeded to tell my children that Daddy was having police help to collect his things as mummy wouldn’t let him in when he knocked nicely. He eventually left and she told him ‘any time you need help with her phone us’
he had put me in hospital a week earlier. My solicitor went bananas and put in a formal complaint to the police.
When I was given a restraining order by the court to protect us a copy was given to the local police they incorrectly recorded the restraining order was against me not him which caused a whole load of problems at work for me. He then won an award despite multiple charges, arrests and proven fact finding for social services and been given a life long restraining order protecting his ex wife and children.

I work with the police would I trust them - no.

Is it heartbreaking that someone who goes on nights out and is aggressive towards others is no longer alive to do it again? I’m not so sure. I wouldn’t wish death on them but I wouldn’t say it’s heartbreaking. I have never been aggressive while drunk because I’m not aggressive while sober. It’s not like you suddenly turn into someone that thinks violence is okay.

Your DS had a drunken scrap with someone, whereby he was hit and hit back with enough force to punch him to the ground, the police intervened, he’s claiming they had him pinned up against a shutter - why do you think they may have had to do that? A compliant person would not need to be restrained. They will have held him overnight for being drunk and disorderly and now he’s been let out. Why a triage nurse would even think of telling you what she did is beyond me. Staff in A+E run the gauntlet of drunks every weekend - many of them get assaulted by drunks and rely very much on security and police officers to deal with such incidents.
Why do men resort to aggression when they’re drunk?

She sounds like a precious judgemental person who you probably wouldn’t miss

I doubt police only saw the aftermath. They wouldn’t have rocked up to see your son just standing there doing nothing, and then threw him up against the shop. Did they arrive and see him punch him? They’re not to know then that he’s not the aggressor.