Friend blaming ds for being a victim in a fight

[Noshadelamp]

I've been absolutely blindsided by my friend I was having lunch with earlier today who doesn't want to be friends anymore over what happened to my ds. We've known each other for ten years.

Ds is at university in Liverpool and lives in the city centre. He works in a bar in the city a few nights a week.

I was havinga nice lunch and catchmup with this friend today in Chester.

Around 2pm I got a call on teams from ds saying he'd been in the police station overnight and lost his phone as he was punched in the face by some random drunk man, but him back knocking him to the ground then roughly treated and injured by the police who thought ds started it.

I immediately left my friend and got a train to Liverpool to see him.

I'm with him now in a&e to check his face, jaw and ribs (ribs and scrapes on face from the police).

Ds did automatically hit the man back (just once) knocking him flat to the ground.

Police only saw the aftermath and grabbed hold of ds roughly, throwing him up against a shop shutter which scraped his face.

The man's girlfriend told the police it wasn't his fault but they didn't listen and put him in their car and took him to the station, where he was released without charge this morning.

So at a&e the triage nurse was telling ds to report the police as she sees this a lot, people coming in with injuries caused by police heavy handling.

But I just got a text from my friend saying that as much as she hopes he's ok, she thinks my ds must have done something as people don't go round randomly punching innocent people, and the police don't rough people up without being provoked.
So because of this, she doesn't want to be involved with my family as she fears ds isn't who she thought he was, and maybe I'm not either!

I'm still in shock at it all but aibu to not understand her reaction?

Was your son working or had he been? Or on a night out? You mention he works in a bar is all and to me it makes a difference if he was sober and working or drinking.

Unfortunately your friend is right in essence that people don't usually punch others unprovoked - unfortunately where alcohol (and often other substances) is concerned, that 'provocation' can be something like bar staff refusing service, door staff refusing entry, or a very exaggerated (or completely made up) slight like 'he looked at me the wrong way' or 'he was eyeing up my girlfriend ' which is usually a quick glance in someone's direction that leads to a scrap.

I've been threatened more than once for refusing to serve alcohol for various reasons, people have a certain attitude towards someone's actions when they're drunk, "Oh what's he like!" And excuse them from those actions and blame everyone else. The people who served them, the people who bought the drinks, the people who 'provoked' them.

And I absolutely would have defended myself should I have been punched, it's ridiculous that if someone attacks you and you defend yourself and get the upper hand you're suddenly the criminal - to me if you're someone who swings fists when you've had a few then you are taking a risk that you will be hurt when you do.

As for your friend - well I reckon she's shown herself for what she is and I wouldn't even be replying, block and delete. It's really sad but she's not been a friend in any way in my book, why wouldn't she expect you to support your son no matter what had happened? Even if you believed he was in the wrong, you can do that and still be supportive towards someone.

It's not something you necessarily have all that much control over in the moment.

I've been punched randomly twice in my life. First time was 20ish years ago. I was walking home from the pub and a man way in front turns round walks up to me , asks "Are you an n-word?" and promptly broke my nose.

Second time was the Christmas before last. I walk into my local and as I walk up to the bar the guy next to me just turns and punches me in the mouth.

I am a massive wuss. I hate pain, I am very risk averse. But in both those cases my first instinct was to fight.

The first time I hit the ground, and came back up with a half brick and hefted it at the other guy. Luckily I missed him, and he ran off, because had I hit him or he decided to return the favour, it probably wouldn't have gone well for me.

The second time I could feel myself moving forward to hit him back, and was screaming at myself to stop, because the guy who'd hit me must have been in his 70s. I did manage to stop myself in time, but the effort to do so was maybe the hardest thing I've ever done.

The problem with the fight or flight response is that it's not a choice. You don't get the opportunity to decide which one you do until you're already in the middle of doing it.

Is it heartbreaking that someone who goes on nights out and is aggressive towards others is no longer alive to do it again?

How about heartbreaking for the person who threw the punch, who will have to live with the fact that he has killed someone, and may face manslaughter charges? And the family of that person?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyzvrxyxnxo

Your friends nuts and should be supporting you as a friend regardless of wether your son did or didn’t start the fight. I would believe your son by what you have written and hope he makes a speedy recovery what a terrible shock you both must have had. Take care of each other and dump you batty ex-friend

In one of the instances someone has shoved away an aggressive drunk, who has fallen and hit his head, and now the person who did the shoving has to wait and see if he’s charged, and then if he is charged wait to see if he is found guilty, and what sentence might follow. Lots of families reeling. It’s so sad. Even if the decision is not to charge, or he’s found not guilty. It’s still a massive thing to go through as a young person.

He hadn't been drinking, he'd been at work.

He was punched in the face/head, and reacted by hitting the man back.
What on earth was the man expecting to happen?

I'm not seeing how ds was to blame.

Hopefully it’s caught on CCTV and I hope your son complains about his treatment by the police.

Hard to know unless it happens to you but if I punched someone in self defence (after they had hurt me and I felt under attack) I don’t think I would be heartbroken if they died as a result. We’re not all built the same, you might think that makes me an awful person but I think I would just be sad that it came to that. I certainly wouldn’t blame myself, I’m almost positive of that.

The man who was bigger and older than ds punched him in the face for absolutely no reason at all.
The only reason the man fell to the ground was because he was so drunk, not because of the strength of my ds.

If people don't want to get hit they shouldn't go round hitting people first surely.

Ds has never been in a fight in his life. He hit back out of shock and fear.

The police happened to come round the corner and saw a man on the ground and made an assumption.
Even the man's girlfriend was telling them it wasn't ds's fault.

Probably because punching a drunk person could potentially end up with a manslaughter charge.

I'd highly recommend not retaliating if possible.

One punch deaths are more common than you may think. It's not worth it

DS1’s best friend was attacked, totally unprovoked, just before Christmas. It was one punch, he is lucky to be alive. He had swelling and a bleed on the brain, which needed surgery, and now has a titanium plate in his skull, which is misshapen and needed 32 staples to close the wound. This is potentially career ending for a brilliant, young solider who was predicted to go incredibly far. Whatever punishment his attacker gets won’t be enough because nothing will compensate him for what he’s lost.

Your friend is batshit @Noshadelamp but you need to teach your son not to fight back. He’s incredibly lucky that he didn’t kill that man. People really don’t appreciate the seriousness of “just one punch.”

I think your friend is being ridiculous to be honest. I'm not sure i would dignify it with a response. If you argue back I'm sure that will solidify for her that she is right in her assumptions.

"Dear friend, you're not who I thought you were either. I never realised you were such a mad cunt."

@Noshadelampthat’s really crappy behaviour from your so called friend. Tbh it sounds like she was looking for an excuse for some reason to end this 10 year friendship and she seized her opportunity to use your innocent son as a reason. She was never a genuine friend to you to say such a thing about you both. Don’t waste your time contacting her, she’s not worth it if that’s what she thinks of you.

Concentrate your energy on your son. Hope he’s ok soon x

I was a student in Liverpool. I was randomly head butted by a woman in a pub once. I was a 5 ft 19 yr old girl. It happens. I hope your son is ok.

My friend had his tooth knocked out while standing at a bus stop. Another has scarring from being attacked by a group of scumbags when he was coming out of a night club. The had chains with barbs on them.

Young men get attacked all the time. Gangs of feral scum roam around without any consequences.

I think this might be it, I completely forgot until you said this.
Her df is ex police, I'm pretty sure! He has been retired for over 25 years so it didn't occur to me before.

She lives a very quiet life. She has adult step sons but wasn't involved in their upbringing. Her husband is retired, she works part time in our village until she hopes to retire early next year.

I appreciate the comments, some have made me laugh at describing her as batshit and bonkers. My DH always says she's in her own bubble and I think this situation has been a bit too challenging of her view of the world.

Ds has had a MRI on his head and everything is fine. Just waiting for the scan results for his ribs but it's probably going to be clear as well. He's tired and going to stay at ours tonight.

I think if there was ANY question over your sons conduct he would have been charged and released for further investigation.

Also just wanted I say I appreciate the pp sharing heartbreaking stories and experiences from just one punch.

We don't endorse violence at all and as ice said, ds has never been in a fight or hit anyone.
Or been hit for that matter.

He said he reacted out of fear and shock, it's not called "fight or flight" for nothing.

Just text her back:
Your loss.

She’ll be simmering on that reply for weeks.
You don’t need people like that in your life.

Sorry to be crude OP but he fucked around and found out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your DS was randomly assaulted by a drunk, then the police. There was a witness who confirmed your sons innocence. Running away would have been the best option.

However it’s really flakey that your friend is failing to be a friend just at a time friendship is needed. It’s bizarre that she doesn't know about the random attacks which happen.

Fair play to your son.

He'd have absolutely no way of knowing if the punch was going to be followed up with more punches, kicks, headbutts or anything else. Strike out to create distance and then fuck off if you can.

A punch in defence to an unprovoked attack is completely proportionate

The police absolutely do manhandle people for no reason sometimes. I'm not totally anti police abd I've met some wonderful police officers in my line of work. However you are mad if you think there aren't those out there who act aggressive and heavy handed when dealing with things. Your son absolutely should make a formal complaint. The police should have got the whole story before taking anyone anywhere.

I can absolutely understand his reaction. I was punched by a women in a pub once. She had taken against a male relative of mine and was extremely drunk. She hit me because she didn’t feel she could hit him I guess. I was very shocked, wasn’t expecting it and scared, so I hit her back.
I hope he’s feeling better very soon.