Does anyone else feel like this re: parents

[Timetoleavefd]

I just phoned up my mum again to discuss something that happened which was on my mind but the conversations and her attitude always make me feel worse than I was! I know I should stop calling her and I know she can’t give me what I want and I feel jealous of women who can have a heart to heart with their mums and feel better as I never will.

I don’t even think she does it on purpose, this is how she responds - obviously not a real life example of our conversation but to give you an idea of how she is:

Me: hi mum, how are you?
mum: I’m okay.
Me: so I got hit by a bus today and I feel upset as I can’t walk and I’m in pain.
mum: what colour was the bus?

the above is just to show you how she responds. I don’t want to go into detail about why I called her as I can make a separate thread to get advice of the situation and detailing it here will mean I don’t get any advice on how to deal with my mum.

I phoned her today as I was really upset about an incident yesterday and she didn’t even attempt to give me any support or understanding or even any sympathy but just went off topic to ask questions about other things that are not important, I know for a fact if I got out of the house now and went to a random stranger and told them then I would get some sympathy from them but my own mother is always so cold and disinterested

Personality disorders can play into it I think. There's a good site online called out of the fog with strategies for dealing with it . Grey rock is about just talking about things like the weather. It can get exhausting though for more than short periods of time

Perhaps they are important to her? Overwrought is a very loaded word.

This is a very wise reply. I’m sorry for your trauma.

That does sound tough and frustrating OP, especially if you're feeling a bit low and lonely.

I can relate to some.of it, especially the lack of affection part you mention - something I experience with my parents.

I think the advice adjusting expectations, accepting your mum's limitations and building other sources of suppport is good. As others have said you can't control your mum, but you can control how you react.

I don't think it's a reason to cut off contact though. It doesn't sound as she's wantonly malicious or spiteful, but just has low emotional intelligence.

There's a lot of reasons why this mighg be e.g. undiagnosed neurodivergence, upbringing, generational differences. I'm thinking a lot about the older generation in my family, the idea of parents, aunts, uncles discussing how they or how others feel - it just wouldn't happen. There is no physical affection displayed ever. If you saw my parents come round (they live a couple of hours away and only see each other every other month) you'd think we were strangers almost, bemused if I try to hug them. Deflect emotional chat etc Still I know they love me and the grandkids (though would never ever verbalise this!) In their own way. A rupture would cause deep hurt on both sides and I don't think they would ever understand my frustations.

Seek out other sources of emotional supprort OP - it's really important. Keep your mum in your life, but reduce your expectations as to what she can offer emotipnally to ease your frustration. It may take some practice. Good luck!

Oh Goodness I read this and took a deep breath because ive never really met anyone with a similar relationship to their mother than I do. I've long thought my mum is autistic and genuinely does not know what the correct response should be.

-when I had a miscarriage she asked me the circumstances and decided that the reason was because I'd had an early scan at 8 weeks and that had caused it and told me this.
-when I graduated whilst having 2 kids and a DH who worked away and put myself through he'll to get there she said 'well you did an easier degree to make sure you graduated'

• everytime the children do anything remotely like what a child would do she blames it on my parenting eg baby waking through the night my fault because I breastfed.

Its sad but we have this weird relationship now where she calls and tells me abiut stuff going on in her life (that i dont care about, what her neighbours or colleagues are doing) and then I give her the brief headlines of my week without giving her anything she could use. We have never gone shopping together or hung out. I am literally the opposite with my children.

@Hohumhuee… but the thread title is ‘does anyone else feel like this?’? It would be a pretty boring and unsupportive thread if all the answers were just ‘yes’ or ‘no’?

the OP has already been on to say how glad she is that she isn’t alone?

You have no idea, catastrophising is very common 🙄

My late DM was like this. Ahe also lived hours away (I left home straight after Uni as hated living back at home). A normal childhood but both parents cold and a bit distant. DM didn't want 3 daughters (wanted sons) & my parents didn't get on that well so she was probably unhappy and a bit depressed all her life. Didn't drive etc. Gave up good teaching job to be a SAHM. I couldn't wait to leave. BUT my DH of 26 years is also a bit lacking in empathy sadly. So I guess we do pick partners sometimes that remind us of our parents. I used to ring my DM & she'd tell me all about Kay from church and her 3 daughters and what they were all up to but not ask that much about her 2 actual grand daughters. It used to make me feel shit tbh. 😪 She died when I was 45 & had Congestive HF/broken hip/kept falling and beginnings of dementia at the end and she lost all filters. Not a nice person in the end. Very sad really. 😔 I think lonely old people have a very small world abd fixate on tiny things in their lives. ie the milkman and all about his family or illnesses. or church and all the drama there. My mum refused to learn how to use email etc or get a smart phone so it was harder to stay in touch from a distance. all very depressing. I refuse to be like that!

I do also think people want to show they are listening by offering their own similar experience to show they know what the other people are going through. Rather than just listening & saying 'that's so hard for you - Im sorry that happened to you' etc. The worst one i saw was on a fb feed where friends of my DH had announced the death of their 6 week old baby (SIDS) & the sister of the couple had said ' I know just how you feel - I was devastated when my dog died too' 🙁 she's an odd woman but still.

We often love people that reflect the things we are familiar with.

That’s interesting that you feel that as when I was growing up I felt there was something wrong with me as all my friends had close loving relationships with their mums and I had a cold, cruel mum. When I have met people throughout my adult life who have had a similar childhood, it has really helped me to realise it wasn’t my fault. Them sharing their experiences has been very cathartic for me.

Well in the example, DM didn’t change the subject, she asked what colour the bus was. I don’t think DM was being hurtful, she was just trying, weirdly, to get the full picture of the incident.

Yes, she’s emotionally unintelligent but hurtful, no!

My mum is like this.

Me: hi mum, how are you?
mum: I’m okay.
Me: so I got hit by a bus today and I feel upset as I can’t walk and I’m in pain.
mum: it would have been better if you were hit by w bus here, we have much better hospitals here. My neighbours son got hit by a bus in 1994. I sometimes get the bus to town to go shopping, it’s not as quick as driving but parking can be difficult.

Me:….???

Getting worse in old age. Sometimes I think about commenting but… more trouble than it’s worth!