Does anyone else feel like this re: parents

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I just phoned up my mum again to discuss something that happened which was on my mind but the conversations and her attitude always make me feel worse than I was! I know I should stop calling her and I know she can’t give me what I want and I feel jealous of women who can have a heart to heart with their mums and feel better as I never will.

I don’t even think she does it on purpose, this is how she responds - obviously not a real life example of our conversation but to give you an idea of how she is:

Me: hi mum, how are you?
mum: I’m okay.
Me: so I got hit by a bus today and I feel upset as I can’t walk and I’m in pain.
mum: what colour was the bus?

the above is just to show you how she responds. I don’t want to go into detail about why I called her as I can make a separate thread to get advice of the situation and detailing it here will mean I don’t get any advice on how to deal with my mum.

I phoned her today as I was really upset about an incident yesterday and she didn’t even attempt to give me any support or understanding or even any sympathy but just went off topic to ask questions about other things that are not important, I know for a fact if I got out of the house now and went to a random stranger and told them then I would get some sympathy from them but my own mother is always so cold and disinterested

I did this ( though someone like my Dad). I think it’s partly because we don’t notice the red flags in their behaviour that their previous partners ditched them for. Because those red flags are normal for us. We unconsciously accept them as part of a relationship.

Hard op. Some people are very negative. Grandchildren singled out money to some not all. I hear oh she wont change. Its still hurtful though. I dont tell her much now.

A PP mentioned an information diet. That's a great term. It's how I deal with it (but I haven't been calling it that).

Not all mums are warm and loving. I tell my children they have to call me out if I start becoming like my parents.

I stick to conversations that are pretty neutral. Last time I saw them in person (they live hours away) my mum was most animated when telling me some drama about someone she knows but I don't. I can never understand why that's more interesting than her own daughter! With me, it's always questions about practical things like how much the parking cost.

I'm mid-40s now but have known since a teenager that I couldn't rely on my parents for emotional support. Accepted it in my twenties. Kept them at arms length since and am much better for it.

And I'm another one who married someone emotionally unavailable because it felt normal to me. Divorced now, and although that's not exactly why we divorced, I'm in a relationship now that is way better. It makes such a difference to be with someone you can actually rely on to listen to you.

I do have an occasional moan with my sibling about our parents, which also helps.

It’s interesting that on here a lot of people have expressed sympathy by telling OP about their own experiences, but that is also what they are, not complaining about, but highlighting as the issue when they wanted sympathy.
Not picking at anyone, I always relate what someone tells me to an experience I’ve had to show sympathy and understanding. I’m conscious, now, that you shouldn’t and people don’t like it, but it’s hard!

I’d say it depends on the seriousness of what you want to discuss?
My daughter can get quite overwrought about things that aren’t really important, so I try and play it down and move forward. Obviously if it was something important that would be different 🙂

Agree with PP about putting these people on an information diet. You can't change them so all that you can do is do the things that make you feel better or less worse when around them. Sticking to lighter topics of conversation might help so that you can still interact positively with them.

For me I don't like being vulnerable around a person that behaves with indifference, I'll always pretend to be fine because that lack of reaction makes it seem worse. I do think that's inevitably going to be a kiss of death for a close relationship though so it's a real shame that it's your mum and your husband. Do you have other people in your life that do support you emotionally?

My mum has been like this forever. I tell her I’m upset about something and it’s straight in to telling me about when it happened to her friend and then will say something like ‘and it ruined my friends life’ without realising I won’t want to hear that. I think she’s autistic and can’t change as when I give her feedback she goes in to shame and makes me feel bad for making her feel bad.

we don’t have much contact which is on her.

It’s interesting that on here a lot of people have expressed sympathy by telling OP about their own experiences

Yes, it is quite ironic!

Is she the same with others?

My mum is generally fab and I her as my best friend. But I do dine sometimes she just doesn’t “get” a lot of things and shuts my stories/problems down.
For example…
Me: “Leanne is having an abroad hen do and it’s going to be really pricey, I want to go but can’t really afford it, but if I say I can’t afford it and she sees I’m going on that girls holiday over Easter with Lucy and Mia, she might be offended.”
Mum: “oh abroad hen dos are ridiculous, just don’t go.”
End of conversation.

Me: “I’ve got an afternoon tea voucher for two but my partner didn’t fancy it, I’d like to ask my friend Hayley to come but she’s so stingy with money and sort of resent it to her for free as there’s been so many times she’s owed me money and I’ve had to drag it out of her, but I know she’ll enjoy it.”
Mum: “Just don’t ask her.”
End of conversation.

Both of these examples are made up/hypothetical, but give you the jist of how I’ll try to talk through a dilemma with her and her advice and just doesnt engage.

Yes I also suspect undiagnosed autism in mine, like a lot on this thread.

I’m very empathetic- too empathetic really. And I’m a great responder to all my friends. But when my kids tell me there problems I get so overwhelmed and stressed that everything goes out the window and I’m terrible. I become desperate to fix the situation and I’m dreadful at it because I can barely listen

Your mother sounds like mine. I have had to reframe the relationship between us in my head. It is really sad to me as so many of my friends have really supportive, involved mothers.

Have you read, “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read…” by Philippa Perry? Whether you have kids or not, you might find it healing. It helped me to accept that I have never been emotionally “held” by my mother and never will be.

Your husband however is another matter. No matter what age you are, you have a long intertwined life ahead of you. Speak to him when you feel rational. Speak about what you feel you need sometimes that is lacking. Maybe there are things he needs too? You need to emotionally “hold” each other and learn what you are able to hold yourself without it being detrimental. I had to learn to let him do this as I had been raised to shut emotion out because there was nowhere to put it. Therapy really helped, and stopping therapy helped even more once I had the tools!

Watching my mother now as a grandmother, I can see how emotionally stunted she is and every interaction between her and my baby explains so much about where my problems have come from! 😅

DM is like this. I always say I'd have to be running down the street naked on fire for her to ask are you alright?

If I want emotional support, I have to then tell her how I'm feeling about the situation, then she generally empathises. I can't appear too upset though as she gets frustrated. Ridiculous really.

I think its just personality- most people think about things through their own perspective and filter first. She thinks she is being helpful by being practical. Maybe it's an age thing that will happen to me, I don't know.

DM didn't grow up in the UK but would have been influenced by her parents.

I think we have a real tendency to give people roles and then expect things from them based on the role rather than on their skills, personalities and capabilities. I think it takes a lot to stop doing this which is why people will keep seeking comfort from their mums again and again despite not receiving it because that's what we expect mums to do.

Just focus on the inheritance and using her as a reverse guidebook on how to behave if you have your own children.

As people get older their life shrinks, sometimes to the extent that they are the only person in it. Don't let this be a sign that because you are unimportant to them, you are unimportant. You have your own intrinsic value that is not defined by anyone else

I think it's the lack of emotional maturity.

Your mother has responded to the words you've said, but not thought about the reason behind why you've said them. You are wanting an emotional response and not a logical response.

I was going to say I think communication should be taught in schools, but then I realised that my children are much better communicators than I am, and I do think this is a positive influence of social media, that people are much better at seeing what responses are "good" and which are "bad" and can then choose to adjust the way they communicate accordingly. And just putting a thumbs up or a heart on a message can in itself be a great way of offering "silent" support.

‘Just focus on the inheritance and using her as a reverse guidebook on how to behave if you have your own children.’

@CinnamonJellyBeans
Focussing on the inheritance would certainly show who you are to any children that you may have.

Absolutely: resilient and makes the best of things.

My young adult children know what my childhood was like and theirs was completely different. Thanks to my mum, they had a great upbringing with attention, laughter and being my number one. We are just so good and I'm so proud of them and myself.

I'm typing this at my mum's. Drove 3 hours here after a full week's hard work. Do it every 3 weeks. The other sibling is 30 mins away, doesn't, no kids and comes 6 x a year. I will never tell my mum that she could have done better, a lot better. She will never tell me that I've done a great job on my kids, or even that my hair looks nice. She did ask me if I wanted her to pay for a gastric band when she was talking about my weight (again). It's fine. I'm amazing

OK but that's a problem though. You don't choose your mum and making peace with how she is is the best way. But you definitely can choose your husband. I personally wouldn't stay with someone like that, as emotional intelligence is absolutely a must-have for me in a partner, but I also understand that I only have a tiny bit of info about your DH and I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why you married him.

I could have written your post. I have a fairly strained relationship with my Mum for this reason among others and I never call her anymore. I always came off the phone crying or raging. We communicate through WhatsApp cos it's less stress and I don't have to respond if I don't want to and vice versa. Low contact is the way to go, it works better for us and it saves my mental health. I can go weeks without speaking to my Mum and I'm happier for it. She is still my Mum and i do love her but we are very different people and i get the feeling she doesn't really like me all that much, she said as much when i returned from uni a different person to when I left.

Some people find it almost impossible to deal with the pain of their loved ones. It doesn’t mean that they don’t feel it. In the moment of being shared with they go into a kind of denial. They freeze internally and can’t respond. Because of this I have decided that it is often best to share the things that bother me with either a counsellor or just call The Samaritans who won’t give advice and just listen. Or friends. But even friends can exhibit this trait. People like this are not necessarily unfeeling and cold. In fact they might be the opposite. They might feel too much. We never know what is going on with others. Try not to judge too harshly. It might be more harmful to you to go NC as others on here have but you will eventually know the best course of action.

Just as an example of what I am saying I once shared something quite traumatic with my mother she didn’t respond in the way I needed and I thought she was really cold. Later I discovered that she had experienced the same trauma and had actually been triggered. She was unable to respond in the moment.

just thought I would offer another view.

Yeeess! This is my mum too. I have fantasies about her first question being "Are you okay?" or something instead!

She even did the same thing when I told her my friend had cancer. Interrogated me about my friend's lifestyle and family history instead of saying something like "Oh that's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that. How is she getting on? How are you taking it?"

I think emotion makes her uncomfortable. She's not used to dealing with it. I was raised that way too and was the same way until my late 20s, but something shifted for me and I started trying to get better at recognising and dealing with emotions. She's either never had that awareness or interest.

I am getting better at not having unrealistic expectations of her.

It's common for people to choose partners that feel "familiar" emotionally, i.e. mirroring what they were used to from their parents growing up

This is exactly how my neuro-divergent teen is. She has to have all the tiny little details of the situation so she can process it. I once remarked “ach, that girl has just thrown her ice lolly wrapper on the ground, isn’t that awful?” her first response was “what kind of lolly was it” 😆

My mum is also very unsympathetic and doesn’t respond with care. I don’t think she is ND, but it is something that’s been really difficult for me to deal with.

At 51, I’ve just decided she isn’t “my person” and I’m ok with that.