Does anyone else feel like this re: parents

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I just phoned up my mum again to discuss something that happened which was on my mind but the conversations and her attitude always make me feel worse than I was! I know I should stop calling her and I know she can’t give me what I want and I feel jealous of women who can have a heart to heart with their mums and feel better as I never will.

I don’t even think she does it on purpose, this is how she responds - obviously not a real life example of our conversation but to give you an idea of how she is:

Me: hi mum, how are you?
mum: I’m okay.
Me: so I got hit by a bus today and I feel upset as I can’t walk and I’m in pain.
mum: what colour was the bus?

the above is just to show you how she responds. I don’t want to go into detail about why I called her as I can make a separate thread to get advice of the situation and detailing it here will mean I don’t get any advice on how to deal with my mum.

I phoned her today as I was really upset about an incident yesterday and she didn’t even attempt to give me any support or understanding or even any sympathy but just went off topic to ask questions about other things that are not important, I know for a fact if I got out of the house now and went to a random stranger and told them then I would get some sympathy from them but my own mother is always so cold and disinterested

For me, it’s DD who couldn’t face negative stuff. This started as a young adult. She has repeatedly got in a mess due to not facing up to facts in life which may feel uncomfortable so she ignores them. This has been for many years.
Currently worn out by her emotional dumping of problems caused by her own actions. I just make the right noises now. She needs to learn for herself. I don’t reassure her any longer, just tell her that it is up to her what she does and consequences will depend on that.

Only posting this as it’s not always the parent at fault.

I have a really awkward relationship with my mum.

She talks about my brother and his girlfriend constantly. I don't say anything as well get along but the other day brother annoyed me slightly so I made a comment to my mum who responded "I'm not saying anything as I'm always in the middle".

I was shocked as I never talk about him and she does! It does imply he says things which may the the case but very self unaware of how much she talks about other people.

MIL does this a bit, I think she’s just not wired to be emotionally supportive and quite inappropriate with her replies - one memorable one was when when FIL (so her own husband) had recently passed away and then a couple of months later my DF also passed away. She thought it was perfectly reasonable to say to DS something along the lines of well I bet you didn’t think you’d lose both Grandads in the space of 2 months - accompanied by a little laugh! DS & I were gobsmacked so made our excuses and left. To her it was just a cheery conversation, no idea where her head is at most of the time to be honest.

As others have said, I would stop calling your DM in search of support as that isn’t coming, and I think the interactions you are having with her are of no benefit to you.

I had to withdraw from my mother a lot as the years went on, as she was so ridiculous, and I sought my comfort and support elsewhere as one does. When she aged and really needed me I did try hard to help as much as I could but it was always so difficult because it's just about impossible to change ingrained ways of communicating (or, in her case, not communicating).

I have a mother like this. More often than not, she would just explain why I needed to stop feeling the way I felt and start feeling some different feelings. Or she would just not engage at all. You cannot change her. In fact, I’m sorry to have to tell you but she will probably double-down on her self-centred behaviour with every year that passes. Old ladies do not suddenly develop introspection and empathy.
All you can do is reflect on why you continually feel the need to talk to her about emotional issues. You probably don’t want to accept her limitations because society says your mother should nurture you, But she’s not capable and, to protect yourself, you need to seek support elsewhere.
It’s probably also worth reflecting on why you chose a husband with similarly limited scope to offer you comfort but that’s a question for another day. I know you asked for mother advice, not husband advice. What you need is a good friend and/or a therapist. I know neither of those is especially easy to rustle up but you can certainly stop bashing your head against the wall with people who are consistently unhelpful.

As others have said, she is not going to change. It's best to accept that your mother is never going to be the emotional support that you want and that you will never have the close relationship that your friends have with their mothers. this is really hard to do, so in some ways it's easier to cling to the hope that next time she'll be different.

Accept that your relationship is going to be superficial and talk to her about the weather or the garden but never anything that you actually care about.

Does your DM expect support from you when things go wrong for her? As in, is it an unequal relationship, or is it more that she's stiff upper lip?
My mum was like this and i had to alter my expectations of her, and accept she was not going to be someone I could go to for emotional support. She would give practical support if I asked for it specifically. Funnily enough she did get better as she got older, and started to at least pretend to be empathetic, although it was a bit superficial at least I knew she was trying.
If she is asking support of you, you can call it out and say come now DM, that's not what we do is it? You'll have to offload to a friend like I do. Do you need some shopping getting in? Reflect her behaviour back at her.

Try to remember that it isn't personal and it isn't a proxy for your value as a person, or her love for you. She just isn't capable

Can relate. I can’t speak to my mum about anything deep.
She is very opinionated and just cannot take onboard anyone else’s. I have also come to realise that a lot of my bad life decisions were down to my mums advice, so 2026 is all about not asking her opinion on anything unless it’s clothes as she’s quite stylish and does have good taste.
My mum has also only recently started asking me how I am - but doesn’t have a great deal of interest - it does feel quite unusual. She would normally just launch into telling me all about the neighbours daughters aunts cat or Mary from church’s hip operation, etc.

Is she autistic? I have known a lot of people with autism throughout my life and this sounds like how they can respond, focusing on stuff that doesn’t matter. Or could be she just really can’t handle emotion due to bad childhood or something?

I'd never go to my parents with a problem because I know they won't be of any use. It used to make me sad but I've made peace with it. We have a relationship with no drama, no expectations, no disappointment. I love them, they love me, they just can't do emotional support. Why do you continue to call her with problems when you know it will make you feel worse? Are you hoping for change?

My mum would do that, or more likely find a way to criticise me, blame me or make it my fault. Learned long ago that I can’t talk to her about anything. I am now VERY low contact with her.

I think there is a difference between someone who is not able to give emotional support and someone who actively behaves hurtfully.

It sounds like OP's mother is the latter. If a complete stranger told me they'd been knocked down by a bus I would manage a "how awful; are you ok?" type of response before trying to change the topic as I didn't want to get embroiled in their woes. Not even managing this is just uncaring.

My mum’s response would be “oh well, it’s not that bad, at least your arms work - when I was hit by a bus I couldn’t walk or move my arms, count yourself lucky that you weren’t as bad as me.” 🙄

My mum is the exact same!

I too feel jealous when other girls have a great relationship with their mum, I think it’s a pretty normal response to how they are with us.

my mum always has to have something worse than you, I could ring her tell her iv got a banging headache and now she’s got a migraine and her heads falling off!!

Perhaps she is neurodivergent?
Could be worth exploring this so that you can find a way of accepting how she reacts without taking it too personally and as a sign that she doesn’t care 😊

Just stop expecting them to change. My mother has to beat me in the illness stakes.

me my head hurts
her I have a migraine
me I banged my head when I fell over and hit it on concrete
her I have a brain tumour

my Miscarriage became about her somehow

phone someone else. Stop doing the same
thing and expecting a different result. You will be forever disappointed

my mum makes up symptoms. She was telling me that she was having seizures. I started looking up the number to report to DVLA and magically the seizures disappeared. as I said she would lose her licence.

I don’t speak to my mum. It stresses me out. I do miss having someone that cares about me like other people do. But it’s not in my path.

find other cheerleaders who will support you.

My mum is the same, zero emotional intelligence. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer she couldn't handle it at all. I asked her if she would stay with me while I was waiting for the diagnosis and her reply was 'I HAVE to get home'. Yeah, thanks mum 👍

My sister is like this. She's pretty self absorbed but that might be because she has anxiety and anyone else's issues apart from her own is insignificant. Not that is a valid excuse but is your mum like this?

My mother is the EXACT same! I yearn for a mother/daughter chat and yet when we speak I just end up feeling worse. It’s criticism, barbed comments and judgement- it’s exhausting and often takes me days to get over it. I never learn and always hope that it will be different next time

I have one of those, OP. She has seemingly endless empathy for strangers (people suffering in the news etc) which is great, but she can’t seem to relate to people she actually knows. I’m used to it for me, but a recent thing that really shocked me was when the eldest son (from first marriage) of a friend of hers (friend used to look after me a lot as a child, we owe her a lot) was diagnosed with cancer for the second time, and I suggested that she should perhaps call her friend to see how she’s coping etc, and she just said “but I wouldn’t know him if he was standing right in front of me.”

🙃

I don’t know what sort of disconnect people have when they’re like this.

That's awful but I can imagine my mum saying a similar thing. Is it that generation, post war when people just got on with it and didn't discuss feelings or pain?

You have to accept that she cannot meet your emotional needs and cannot empathise. If she cannot do it now she never will. Make your peace with it for your own sake. It is hard to accept when those closest to us can’t give us what we need. Do you have friends or siblings you can talk to ? You mention your husband is the same as your mother. You may be repeating a pattern from early childhood in seeking the same attachment style, I’m no psychologist but in recent years I’ve learnt a lot about myself in this regard , I recommend The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube, she is excellent, has helped me a lot and saved me a fortune in therapy fees.

Dm is the same! She's 82 so maybe it's a deflecting mechanism that is very common in English people. Sort of stiff upper lip and talk about the weather!

Both my parents were the same. Not allowed to struggle mentally. They never even said 'I love you', even as children. As adults, discussing it with my brothers, we'd deliberately say it to them after a visit, while saying bye and watch them fluster for our amusement.

But they were there in practical ways a lot of the time. I think it was a generational thing.

Exactly this. Make do and mend generation. The ration years lasted as long, if not longer than the war. I don't know how my grandmothers raised their kids singlehandedly, sleeping in bomb shelters by night (Birmingham) whilst their husband's fought. Being in touch with their emotions would have meant dealing with their trauma. They didn't have the time or money or knowledge to do that. Phenomenal generation in so many ways, my gratitude is unending to them, but I'd have never sought support or emotional advice from them.