Cutting ties with a friend

[BernieBarks]

Good morning everyone

Just asking for advice from anyone who may have gone through similar ?
I had a friend who I've known for 31 years . We flat shared when we both moved to a new city and always got on really well .
We've gone through births , break ups , bereavements together . Gone on holidays as friends and as families . Always stayed in regular contact .
She's always said I'm her oldest friend and her best friend .
I guess I'm the more grounded one . The sensible one . And sometimes that has annoyed me as when she's going through difficult stuff she's been regularly on the phone . But when life is good not so much . And when I've gone through stuff not particularly supportive or attentive .
So in the last couple of years I've consciously put the same level of effort into the friendship as she has . Not organising get togethers , not calling regularly . Not in a passive aggressive way . Just mirroring her commitment and not chasing anymore .
My partner is currently going through a very difficult time with his health . I 've kept it to myself . So over Christmas we've been really low profile . Something happened a few days ago that is quite serious so - with his peemission - I sent out a brief message to close family and friends explaining why we had been so quiet and what was happening . No drama .
My friend messaged briefly to say she was sorry to hear that and maybe we could catch up (phone) . So we arranged a time as she is out a lot and I'm in and out with hospital appointments .
So I called at the arranged time . No reply . So I left it .
Next day nothing so I left it .
Next day I get a message from her asking why didn't I message her to remind her about our call as she had forgotten .
I admit that I was annoyed . I messaged to say it's not down to me to remind her about such things . We'd made an arrangement . I called . She'd forgotten . Not my problem .
However , I also pointed out (which I wouldn't usually do) that she's got form for this and it's disappointing as when she's gone through difficult times I've always been there .
She's now blocked me .
AIBU to feel sad about this ? I believe I've done the right thing in not chasing anymore . She won't change so no point in pursuing it . But I feel sad . And hurt .
Thank you for reading .

She’s shown her true colours, let her stay blocked and deleted from your life

It sounds like the friendship has naturally run its course. Let her crack on, you've given her something to think about anyway.

Just focus on you and your partner. I hope he gets well soon.

Her attitude is very upsetting.

You are definitely not in the wrong.

Good riddance

She’s not much of a friend if she’s blocked you. It’s disappointing and I’m sure you’ll be upset. It’s her loss. Don’t think too much of it and concentrate on your life. Don’t let her back in if she can block you like this.

Meh she’s not a best friend. I hate people
who say Oh you must remind me about X…If they cared enough and liked you enough they’d find a way to remember themselves

I'm sorry, that's shoddy behaviour from a long standing friend. Agree with PP that it looks like the friendship has run its course. Sad but it seems from your post that you've been getting along OK without her?

With every new life stage and events people come and go. I'm sure that you will find others near to you who will better align to where you are now. I quietly dropped a long standing friend a few years back. We had grown apart and she was pretty vitriolic about something that was very important to me. I called time on the relationship. It was hard to let it go but in the long run ts definitely been the right decision.

Mourn it and move on. You have enough to cope with, a shoddy unreliable person isn't going to add to your life.

I hope your DH is ok x

Well, she’s done the cutting of ties, hasn’t she? So there’s nothing further you need to do. I wouldn’t give it too much headspace. Best wishes for your husband’s recovery.

My gosh, that's so hurtful and disappointing. As you say, you were the solid dependable one, she was the one that needed chasing and reminding and looking after. Now the tables have turned and you're the one who needs the consideration and attention, and she's nowhere to be seen. I had a friend drop me like a stone the first time I called her out on her crap behaviour, and it was a shock, but we hadn't been friends for anywhere near as long as you two

It's so harsh to block such a long term friend over this. It's probably true that you're better off without her, but I'm not at all surprised that you're feeling shocked and sad. Go easy on yourself, and don't rush through this x

The first time I dropped a 'best friend' who was actually an emotional vampire, I felt bad. I still have mutual friends, who decades on, think I am the monster for deciding to no longer be her emotional support human. These days I happily walk away from all one-sided friendships. I'm very tolerant. I have ADHD so if friends forget something, it doesn't upset me, but if they are not there when I need them, after I have supported them, the friendship dissolves. I have neither the time nor the energy for selfish people.

OP, I hope your DH is okay and recovers soon.

Soul sucker - awful.

YANBU to be sad. But at least you know it's time to move on.

Fuck her. Also when she unblocks you and needs something - ignore her.

It’s always sad when something like this happens, but it sounds like the friendship has run its course. She doesnt sound that nice to just block you over this.
Respect to you for calling her out when she says the ridiculous “why didn’t it remind me about the call?” Why the hell should you have to? She’s an adult.

Blimey @BernieBarks it’s one thing to forget hut surely she’d have seen the missed call? Then ring back and apologise for missing it? Not complain you should have reminded her. I know it hurts but she’s lost more than you with the end of your friendship and I think leave her to it, the cheeky cow.

Thank you for your comments . I'm just a bit out of sorts at the moment so wanted the perspective of others who might have gone through something similar .
It's my longest standing friendship . I just feel really sad that she could just flip a switch on it like that . But , as others have pointed out , it had run its course anyway as I'd stopped playing the role I used to play and stepped back .
I just struggle to get my head around how much time , love and support she has had from me in her difficult times and she can do this . But I'm glad I told her how I felt . Some people really are bloody selfish aren't they ?
I've never been blocked before by anyone 🤣

My best friend did something similar to me.
My friend called me her sister and said that I was a blessing. We did school stuff, hobby stuff, coffee & shopping together. We saw each other nearly every day for 5 years and I spent more time with her than my own family. I loved her as a sister.
I supported her through so much horrible stuff because she was in an abusive relationship with her husband. I was the responsible adult for her DC when their father was arrested for abusing them. I sat through many police interviews while the kids described all sorts of abuse which was horrific and made me realise that she was aware + complicit in it by neglect/turning a blind eye. Did I bail? No. I stayed and helped her and the kids get therapy, change the house furniture/layout so there were no constant reminders of their father, helped her with a divorce solicitor & the paperwork, looked after the kids when she had to get out for 'air' or go to her hobby. I was hardly at home for my own DC for a few months.
A year later my dad got S4 cancer. He took about 15 months to die. In that time I still gave her support with her new life and helped with her kids (2 of which are ND). She didn't help me once. Not once. Still wanted me to look after her DC 3 times a week while she did her hobby. She started a relationship with a married man involved in the same hobby and then wanted me to do other evenings too and I had to say no. My family needed me so I said I couldn't commit to more babysitting.
The day my dad died one of my DC was bluelighted to hospital and nearly died. They had developed a life long, life limiting illness. So my dad died and my DC needed a lot of care but what did she want? Yep, more child care. She even offered to pay me (like an employee she said!) and then got cross when I explained why it wasn't possible. From that point contact started dwindling. She would take days to answer texts, be late at school, ignore the door if I called round etc.
One day I really needed to talk to her about my grief and she ignored me. I met her later and called her out on it, pointing out that I'd been her rock for over 5 years and I needed her to be my rock now. She got up and said that she'd think about what I'd said and left. She blanked me at school the next day....and the day after that and then never said another word to me or my DP. I messaged her a few weeks later asking her what I'd done wrong and for some items back that I'd lent. No reply but she waited until DP was doing school pick up alone and threw the items at his feet and walked off.

It turned out that she cut everyone off - family, friends, school mums, anyone who knew about her life before new partner. She was leaving her kids (aged 7-15 all with medical issues/ND) home alone for whole nights and weekends while she shagged her married boyfriend in other peoples homes.
A year later her kids & family still spoke to me and she didn't like that. She had one of her new friends phone me and tell me that if I spoke to any of her kids or family again then my eldest would get taken on his way home from school and beaten up. I had to cut her kids off dead and that hurt more because I still feel guilty about telling them that I couldn't speak to them anymore and to go away.

What she did to me was worse than if she'd died to be honest. It took me years to get over it and realise that it was her loss not mine - her doing and not mine. Our paths crossed quite a few times over the years and she could never look at me. She married the boyfriend and took over his life. I always wonder what she told him about it all...but now I really couldn't care less.
My advice to the OP is block and mourn what you thought you had and then get on with life. She wasn't/isn't a true friend and think of it as getting rid of a verruca - painful at the time but a relief it's gone!

Rather than taking responsibility for her actions she is obviously upset by what you said. Id say the truth hurts. She's clearly shown her true colours as youre having a tough time, she's offered zero support amd she's taken her bat home. Move on, you dont need people like her in your life just because you have past history. Things have changed and its now that's important x

Rather than taking responsibility for her actions she is obviously upset by what you said. Id say the truth hurts. She's clearly shown her true colours as youre having a tough time, she's offered zero support amd she's taken her bat home. Move on, you dont need people like her in your life just because you have past history. Things have changed and its now that's important x

Seriously can't believe she blocked you for that.. show's what kind of person she is. She doesn't deserve a friend like you x

Sounds like she’s not the friend you thought she was 🙄

If she was that bothered about the phone call, she would have put it into her phone calendar. And I say that as someone who has issues remembering things. So into the calendar it goes.

You did absolutely nothing wrong op. You called her out on her shitty behaviour and she didn't like it. She should be apologising not blocking you. She's very selfish and you are well rid.

I done the same thing with a friend of 30 years about 1.5 years ago. I decided to pull back a bit after a particularly hurtful realisation that she really didn't care that much.
....and I didn't hear from her since.
1.5 years on I still wonder what she thinks, is she even wondering what happened or did she realise and decided I wasn't worth it.
Sorry OP it's crap and I still think about mine but they aren't worth it.

It’s run its course, sorry OP. Yanbu

You did the right thing.

Even if she unblocks you and starts things up again, she will not change.