Cutting ties with a friend

[BernieBarks]

Good morning everyone

Just asking for advice from anyone who may have gone through similar ?
I had a friend who I've known for 31 years . We flat shared when we both moved to a new city and always got on really well .
We've gone through births , break ups , bereavements together . Gone on holidays as friends and as families . Always stayed in regular contact .
She's always said I'm her oldest friend and her best friend .
I guess I'm the more grounded one . The sensible one . And sometimes that has annoyed me as when she's going through difficult stuff she's been regularly on the phone . But when life is good not so much . And when I've gone through stuff not particularly supportive or attentive .
So in the last couple of years I've consciously put the same level of effort into the friendship as she has . Not organising get togethers , not calling regularly . Not in a passive aggressive way . Just mirroring her commitment and not chasing anymore .
My partner is currently going through a very difficult time with his health . I 've kept it to myself . So over Christmas we've been really low profile . Something happened a few days ago that is quite serious so - with his peemission - I sent out a brief message to close family and friends explaining why we had been so quiet and what was happening . No drama .
My friend messaged briefly to say she was sorry to hear that and maybe we could catch up (phone) . So we arranged a time as she is out a lot and I'm in and out with hospital appointments .
So I called at the arranged time . No reply . So I left it .
Next day nothing so I left it .
Next day I get a message from her asking why didn't I message her to remind her about our call as she had forgotten .
I admit that I was annoyed . I messaged to say it's not down to me to remind her about such things . We'd made an arrangement . I called . She'd forgotten . Not my problem .
However , I also pointed out (which I wouldn't usually do) that she's got form for this and it's disappointing as when she's gone through difficult times I've always been there .
She's now blocked me .
AIBU to feel sad about this ? I believe I've done the right thing in not chasing anymore . She won't change so no point in pursuing it . But I feel sad . And hurt .
Thank you for reading .

I had a very close friend for over 15 years, she was my bridesmaid, our children the same age etc. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago. Told her, she cried and showed genuine concern for me… then never heard from her again. Same as your friend, flakey, needed reminding about our plans, always had drama to tell me about etc. My husband said she’s simply immature. 40 years old behaving like a child. So it’s not us, it’s them. They were the “fun” friend, the ones we’d go out drinking with, but being honest with ourselves, that’s all they were, no depth or integrity to them.

Wow she is a demon in human skin. Her poor kids having that vile b as a mother. You did right in walking away. Imagine threatening your kids, should have gone to the police over that.

She's blocked you after you have called her out once after a decades long friendship, and not unkindly from the sound of it! You are not in the wrong and she has done you a favour. The hurt and upset will pass and you'll be better off without her in your life.

This trash took itself out. You don’t need to cut her out - she’s cut you out as you dated challenge her.

I cut my best friend of 30 years off about 10 years ago probably nearer 5 actually. I warned her and gave her a year to change and then sent a brief message saying I spoke to you 12 months ago about our friendship. Nothing has changed despite me stating I would end the friendship in a year if nothing changed it hasn’t. I feel it best we now go our separate ways completely and wish you the best.

It hurt but my god it has freed me. I deleted her off social media and I have since moved. Gone and blocked on my phone. She could still email me but she knew I meant it.

I will preface this by saying I am autistic and may not have the same outlook as most regarding friendship. My thoughts are that if a friendship is more trouble than its worth what is the point of continuing it?

I don't think you have behaved unreasonably, but I also do understand that you miss that person, or rather the person she used to be, or the person you wish she was iyswim. It sounds like you always invested more in the friendship than she did, and she doesn't sound much of a pal tbh.

Either way its a loss, and of course you will feel it. You obviously have a lot on at the moment, and cannot afford to carry any more. And that is fair enough, you must take care of yourself and nearest and dearest first.

I'm sorry if I have upset you, or been too blunt.

I'm so sorry OP but this is a very hard lesson for anyone reading about the mistake about being a rock or a one-sided giving friend.
It eventually comes a cropper because of it being so imbalanced.
Users search out giving friends and use them.
I really hope things improve for you.
She is no loss.

Don't be one bit surprised if she unblocks you at some point in the future if she needs something and she will say that YOU really hurt HER.

Don't respond if she does, but don't be surprised at all.

I had a lovely friend, met at work and I was actually her PA when she came into our office, but ended up being best mates as she found out her husband was cheating. But then when my mother passed away 10 years ago, my friend didn't like that she wasn't centre of attention, and that I didn't want to talk to anyone. We did eventually make it up but it was never the same again and is stilted.

Another friend always made everything about her. Everything was a drama, everything had to revolve around her life. Then I had a very nasty miscarriage, and that was it - stopped hearing from her. Didn't reach out to me once, nor visit me in hospital. The m/c nearly killed me, and she knew that as I was in touch with her mother. Nothing. Then a few years later she reaches out with "it's been years! Hope all well! Feel better? Did I tell you about.." (=latest drama)

Naturally I ignored this stunningly tone deaf message, and we never spoke again. That one hurt as we were related.

In both cases I was extremely hurt, but you do move on. I think about them both, and do keep in touch with the first one as we didn't fully fall out, but it's more polite and single sentence replies now, which is so sad, especially if you knew what we were like before. You can't change inherently selfish people, so I advise to put yourself first and you will feel a lot better.

Best wishes to your husband.

Some people can’t take the truth about what crap friends they are. Let her fester. At least you’ve been more honest than her.

It really isn’t unusual sadly that when you experience death/illness people will just distance themselves from you.
I always see on here about building a village for support. I always helped people out and took their children, gave them lifts, sorted things for them. DH was unwell, lots of them disappeared. One complained I wouldn’t babysit her children as I was going to see him in the hospital so much and she didn’t understand as I had ‘seen him yesterday’.
There are lots of people like this unfortunately.

Having just gone through the serious illness of a partner there are friends that are incredible and others that barely seem to check in. You'd think that would correspond with how close friends they are but it really doesn't! Several very close friends were terrible and it was very hurtful at the time and I felt the same as you. With a little bit of time and space I dont feel as strongly about cutting ties but it has made me put certain friendships purely in a good time box.

It's an awful awful cliche that when things get rough the truth of friendships is revealed. At such a difficult time it is an extra grief. Don't be cross with yourself that you are hurt.

Please know it says NOTHING about you and so much about her 💐💐💐

It is sad but you need to move on now. She won't change. I had a similar friend who was always having a crisis and ringing me for support. Then the first time in years I rang her when I was going through a bad patch and wanted some support, she decided the friendship 'wasn't working for her' any more. Some people want everything on their terms.

She blocked you?! She’s a nut, fuck that

I think when we’ve grown up alongside people for decades through the fun and lighter times we don’t really notice their values until we reach a point in adulthood where things get serious. It’s happened to me too. Suddenly you wake up to all the times they’ve been problematic.

It really is sad because of all the shared memories they feel like a part of you, and all those times you imagined being friends into old age in the future - you mourn what you thought you were going to have.

She's not your friend. As soon as you called her out on it she blocked you rather than reflecting on her behaviour and adapting it or apologising.

Aw bless you . You absolutely haven't upset me at all . Your comment is absolutely spot on showing such kindness and empathy . Thank you x

You are 100% correct on this x

Let her stew in her own juice. She doesn't deserve you. Use your energy where it's needed and do not engage with her again. You did absolutely the right thing telling her some home truths and obviously hit a nerve.

I'm so sorry for what you went through . Tone deaf is putting it mildly ! My ex friend is very much like that - very self absorbed and wandering through life
with little thought for others unless there's something in it for her .

Thank you for your kind words x

100% this x

Some friendships are one-dimensional - they are there for the fun, they simply can't cope with negativity and that includes being on someone's side in bad times, or taking criticism. They just can't tune in to that wavelength.

Then we come to how we define friendships. Usually it's purely by chance it happens, there is that joy of having common ground and then having a friend. Early on in life it's easier to make drama or problems the basis for that friendship, that sense of being up against things, up against the world and navigating it. Decades on, we know our way around life and that kind of thing doesn't feel invigorating, more draining.

But some friendships drag on like a tribute band, or a band on the nostalgia circuit and that's easily done - I mean, a lot of the music I listen to is from decades ago too, same with movies on repeat.

I agree it's upsetting and it is a massive shame that these days the waxing and waning of friendships can't be dealt with without cancelling or ghosting the other, usually with the pretext of some kind of conflict or disagreement.

My so called best friend of forty years was similar. I supported her through every crisis but I eventually realised support was very one way. When my husband was very ill, she never once rang to see how he was. When I said we were moving house, she made nothing but nasty cutting remarks.

I helped plan her (2nd) wedding, and never heard from her for months and months. She was always inclined to drop me when someone new came along. I stopped messaging, I just felt fed up doing all the leg work.

We moved, still no sign of her. Eventually I received a ridiculous message saying she was sorry if she'd said something offensive. Then tried for my sympathy with a long story about her DH's foster brother dying - she couldn't stand the sight of him. I sent a message saying, no hard feelings, you've moved on and I wish you well. She snapped back in seconds "well I thought that too".

I'd rather have no best friend than one like that. I've put up with a lot, but no more.

I suppose what I'm telling you is that when someone you've supported and trusted shows their true colours, you are better off without them. Don't spend time grieving the "friendship".

It's awful when people show their true colours like that. Only someone very very childish would block someone like that. I expect she just didn't like being told a home truth.

It's awful and sad but in the long run you are likely better off x

Early on in life it's easier to make drama or problems the basis for that friendship, that sense of being up against things, up against the world and navigating it. Decades on, we know our way around life and that kind of thing doesn't feel invigorating, more draining.

Absolutely! Very well put.