Cutting ties with a friend

[BernieBarks]

Good morning everyone

Just asking for advice from anyone who may have gone through similar ?
I had a friend who I've known for 31 years . We flat shared when we both moved to a new city and always got on really well .
We've gone through births , break ups , bereavements together . Gone on holidays as friends and as families . Always stayed in regular contact .
She's always said I'm her oldest friend and her best friend .
I guess I'm the more grounded one . The sensible one . And sometimes that has annoyed me as when she's going through difficult stuff she's been regularly on the phone . But when life is good not so much . And when I've gone through stuff not particularly supportive or attentive .
So in the last couple of years I've consciously put the same level of effort into the friendship as she has . Not organising get togethers , not calling regularly . Not in a passive aggressive way . Just mirroring her commitment and not chasing anymore .
My partner is currently going through a very difficult time with his health . I 've kept it to myself . So over Christmas we've been really low profile . Something happened a few days ago that is quite serious so - with his peemission - I sent out a brief message to close family and friends explaining why we had been so quiet and what was happening . No drama .
My friend messaged briefly to say she was sorry to hear that and maybe we could catch up (phone) . So we arranged a time as she is out a lot and I'm in and out with hospital appointments .
So I called at the arranged time . No reply . So I left it .
Next day nothing so I left it .
Next day I get a message from her asking why didn't I message her to remind her about our call as she had forgotten .
I admit that I was annoyed . I messaged to say it's not down to me to remind her about such things . We'd made an arrangement . I called . She'd forgotten . Not my problem .
However , I also pointed out (which I wouldn't usually do) that she's got form for this and it's disappointing as when she's gone through difficult times I've always been there .
She's now blocked me .
AIBU to feel sad about this ? I believe I've done the right thing in not chasing anymore . She won't change so no point in pursuing it . But I feel sad . And hurt .
Thank you for reading .

Classic passive aggression. There's nowhere to go with it, it's like being walked down a cul de sac rather than a two way street. There's no room for growth when one person in a relationship behaves like this and eventually they will drain you dry. Look on the bright side, OP. You still have you, and you sound like the best part of this relationship. She will always remain in her metaphorical cul de sac, being very emotionally immature and never growing. Shame, but let her. Life is too short to give your energy to people like this.

You told her what you actually thought after a very long time of not doing so and she's taken " offence" boo-hoo to her Guess she should've been a better friend

She sounds like the kind of person who would expect you to cook her a meal if she was poorly, then expect you to eat it for her too.

If only there was a thing on most phones nowadays you can do to remind you of things youve planned? Or even wrote it on a calendar/noticeboard at home? Honestly sounds like shes done you a favour.....the rubbish has took itself out.

There's a saying , something like "if they wanted to they would" .
It wasn't a priority for her .

Out of sight out of mind is another phrase I use. I’ve recently stopped putting all the effort in with a couple of friends, and there’s been absolutely no contact from them. It’s made me realise that they’re not really invested in the friendship, if they were they would have thought about me and realised we’d not spoke for a while and made the effort - for once - to get in touch. Now Im concentrating on my friendships that I value, and feel valued back.

I had a similar experience with a long standing friend. I was very hurt at the time, and I still think about her. As the years have passed I realise she was pretty self centred all along. Some friendships just don’t last the course when they are put under any kind of strain.

This has happened to me with a friend I've known all my life (and I'm old!) and there was one thing that happened (I did what you did OP... instead of treading on eggshells I told her that she had really let people down over an event).

Basically for the first time ever I called out her behaviour. When I say it did not go down well, that was an understatement. She unleashed hell on me! We send birthday and christmas cards now but that is hopefully all. I can't forgive her unpleasantness when just for once, I questioned her behaviour.

OP... I think this friendship has run its course. Sometimes friendships that last decades outlive themselves.
I am so relieved not to be in touch anymore, I came to realise I was doing all the giving. And that sounds like you OP.

The missed calls on her phone would have done the same job as a reminder message anyway.

I have recently stepped away from a similar friendship. I found it too upsetting that I was always the one checking in but communication from her was only when she needed advice etc.
I can be forgetful so set myself reminders/calendar notes to help, so that's sad your friend couldn't find a way to help herself.
In contrast to you when I said I couldn't be that friend anymore my friend accepted it. I still feel incredible sad that it's ended and miss her terribly, but it was causing me so much upset that she didn't seem to care as much about me as I did her.

I reached out to wish her a Happy Christmas and received a polite reply back, I think I was hoping she may try to reignite the friendship but maybe the friendship has just run its course and I need to accept that.

My DS is like this - wants me to listen to all her woes but when DH is in hospital (ongoing and serious issue) she's helping a friend with her CV, washing a friend's hair who's had an operation, or a random selection of relatively trivial things. But I can't easily back away as she is one of my few blood relations. And 'phone calls? She has taken to long silences. I try and keep the conversation going but after the third one I wrap things up and do something more rewarding, like cleaning out the cupboard under the sink!

Blocking a friend of so many years over so small a disagreement means she’s a dick.

Why would she have picked up a message but not a phone call? Blaming everyone else for their own mistakes and then blocking anyone who points out that’s what they’re doing, is classic personality disorder.

Focus on your partner. Your friendship with this woman has run its course.

Sorry I clicked on YABU by accident. You’re not being unreasonable at all. It’s really sad when long term friendships end or wane but sometimes they’ve run their course, she’s not treating you nicely and her blocking you is just childish

She can't take criticism . That's something I've noticed over the years . Very judgemental about others but when it's turned on her literally has a meltdown .
I remember clearly one incident when her child's headteacher called her and her husband in to discuss the daughter's behaviour (I don't know the specifics) . She wrote to the governors and OFSTED and never stopped going on about it and telling all and sundry that the headteacher was an alcoholic . Embarassing .

Sounds like you have been more than tolerant of your friend’s behaviour over the years. Serious events like your partner’s illness can make a person realise what’s really important in life- and it’s not pandering to a friend’s petty grievances.

I’m guessing a supportive friend would be useful right now and she couldn’t manage it. Perhaps mentally put her in the acquaintance box and keep future interaction brief and cordial, nothing more.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing such difficulties- wishing you all the best for the future x

Actually that sounds like that brilliant country and western song about the mom who socked it to the Harper Valley PTA...

It sounds as though she also may be going through something as she reacted very sensitively
However it also seems like that friendship has run it's course