Should step parents parent?

[QwethCAs]

Dh and I were talking about a friend and her partner and whether he thebpartner should be parenting her kids. He is their step parent and lives with them. One of the kids is ND which does make it trickier. Dh thinks step parents should have the power to parent and tell the kids off, I don't.

Realistically speaking, a step parent (like any other adult) can’t just stand by like a lemon whilst poor/risky behaviour occurs. So I think YABU

If they're all living together, then absolutely yes! What's the alternative? Ignore the kid?
Hopefully it's good parenting, but that's a different debate.

They do live together but with a ND child have different approaches and trigger points.

I would absolutely hate to live with someone else's child and not be able to actually parent in all the good and bad ways it entails.

I thought that step parents could only do this if they legally adopted the child. Or if they had a Parental Reponsibility Agreement in place.
To me it makes great sense that if they are living as a family there is a Parental Responsibility Agreement.

Whoever is looking after a child needs to be “parenting” including paid caregivers, at that time so if a step parent has sole charge at any point they need to be able tell off a child where necessary. The boundaries etc should be agreed upon by the birth parent(s) then all adults stick with it in an ideal world

Yes. Obviously you need to be on same page as the parent, you have duty of care to any child in your house and can't stand by watching them put themselves at risk because your only a step parent.

You think step parents can only say “Noah, don’t jump on the sofa/eat batteries/draw on the walls/run across the road” if there is a legal agreement?

Bizarre

I think it can really depend.

• Does the child live there?
• How old is the child? (teens less likely to respond to an outsider attempting to parent)
• How long the child has known the step parent
• How well the child responds to the step parent's parenting
• How much parenting experience/expertise the step parent has
• Whether there is another active bio parent in the kid's life (e.g. they live 50/50, other parent consulted on stuff like school behaviour)

Only if they are aligned on how to parent.

Especially when child is ND as 'normal' approaches don't often get the same results.

What??

If you're looking after a child, you're in loco parentis.

Or at least you should be if you're the responsible adult.

This has nothing to do with adoption.

I agree with you that a step parent should be parenting a child.
But there are many many threads on MN where the step.parent has upset the natural parent by their decisions when looking after the child.
If there is a formal agreement re the parenting it's much safer to assume that both parent and step parent are on the same page when it comes to parenting approaches and decisions in day to day siruations..

You said you thought step parents could only parent the child if they legally adopted them. Or if they had a Parental Reponsibility Agreement in place though??

That's totally bizarre.

I think realistically step parents who are living with a child have to parent to a certain extent - especially if they are in sole charge of the children at times. But I would step lightly and it has to be in conjunction with the biological parents. I don't think step parents should be enforcing their own strict rules without consulting the biological parents - there has to be agreement between the parents so everyone is on the same page.

I think it’s trickier than that.

They’re more like a relative that lives with you I guess - in the way it would be if you lived with grandparents or an uncle or aunt.

They’re not the parent and neither have the final say re discipline nor the responsibility to do everything a parent does. They don’t have to do the hard parts of parenting like early mornings or be assumed to be childcare (they need to be asked, and a negative answer accepted) but they can’t over ride parental decisions either.

They do have an equal say in basic house rules that apply to everyone - eg shoes of in the house (in discussion with the other adults of course) or no phones at the table, as long as they and all adults abide by the same rules.

They can tell a child off for basic, obvious things, but they can’t decide on “consequences” type punishments like grounding or taking a phone away unless the parent agrees.

Basically, the parent and step parent need to have a good relationship and mutual respect and love for each other, so that a lot of the above comes naturally.

One of THE MOST batshit comments I’ve seen on a step parenting thread and that’s saying something 🙄🙈

Their problem isn't that one of the carers is a step parent. Their problem is that they're not on the same page with an nd child, and that is often the case even when both carers are bio parents.

They need to go together to a parenting course for parents of nd children (or together to some other kind of meeting, maybe at school, about the child and their behaviour plan).

Of course they should parent! I've been with my DH since my children were 3 and 5, they are now 18 and 19, I would basically be single parenting all this time if he wasn't allowed to parent! How stressful and unnecessary for all involved. Of course we have to make sure we are in the same page re parenting styles etc, but then you have to be with the other parent anyway, regardless if step or not. If I wanted to parent on my own I wouldn't have remarried.

Edited to add - also parenting ND kids here too. Makes no difference. I wouldn't be ina relationship or marriage with someone that I couldn't trust to parenting my own children. Of course he makes mistakes as do I, but we work together as a team to get it right.

My husband had custody of his kids for about 5 years and I was expected to be like a mum to his kids (if I'd known from the start I'd not have got with him!)

This is AiBU not the Step parenting topic.

Op was asking for opinions on someone else's situation. She wasn't presenting her own problem. As such i'm entitled to voice and opinion.

If it was her own situation and problem I would leave it to those with expertise in step parenting situations to advise.

My DH cleaned up their vomit, sat for hours helping them with their homework, took them to their clubs, cooked for them and did their washing, put them through uni and gave them deposits to buy a house.

He earned the right to tell them off when needed. Even now, they ring him for advice and help, he does jobs on their homes, taught them to decorate, and does everything a father should do. They adore him. He’s their ‘Dad’.

In some couples the step-parent will have a weirdly passive role, like a lodger in the house. If DH had ever been completely disinterested in my DCs I would never have married him.

So the step parent learns those. Listens to the parent and accepts that any previous parenting they've done or ideas about what parenting looks like might be different. I don't think it's feasible to have a child living alongside an adult knowing they "can't" tell them off, or ask them to do or not do something reasonable. ND is not a free pass for being inconsiderate, rude or anything else (I have ND kids).

This is AiBU not the Step parenting topic.

The PP said step parenting thread, not topic.

And to be fair, it was a very bizarre assumption that someone can't parent the kids they're looking after, unless they've adopted them or have another legal agreement in place.

If a decision that can wait is needed then it should be made by those with parental responsibility - what school, attending parents evenings, choosing extra curricular for example.

General daily "parenting" - please take off your muddy shoes at the door, dont jump on the furniture, dont put that bead up your nose.....anyone with current responsibility should be doing this. Step parents, carers, grandparents, babysitters!

Interesting perspectives. The step-dad has only been on the scene a couple of years and the kids are teens. But I get that you can't live in a house with kids and not say anything ever.