Should step parents parent?

[QwethCAs]

Dh and I were talking about a friend and her partner and whether he thebpartner should be parenting her kids. He is their step parent and lives with them. One of the kids is ND which does make it trickier. Dh thinks step parents should have the power to parent and tell the kids off, I don't.

My step parents parented me.

I think if they are a long term stepparent and living with the kids they should be following the parenting strategies the parents/s choose. For a ND child these might need to be different to a typical child so the inportance of following the parents lead is even greater.

Which is why I said “on a step parenting thread” not “on the step parenting board”.

And I’m entitled to my opinion that yours is one of the very stupidest opinions about step parenting that I’ve seen. A view shared by many others looking at the reaction to your post.

I think it varies from family to family.

DP is my DS’s step dad, had been since he was 18 months old. He is absolutely a parent to him. In love, discipline, support, money!

But, we are very similar in our approach to parenting, we discussed it deeply, there was no just moving some fella in and him being the new daddy.

When we got together it was very much becoming a family unit together.

I think parent is the wrong word. I don’t expect teachers to parent my kids but I do expect them do as they are told and know what’s expected of them if they don’t they will discipline them.
Same in a friends house or a relative or step parent if they are in their care.
I wouldn’t allow a friends child to jump on my sofa even if their mum lets them at home but I’m not parenting them, I’m setting my expectations, as I would if a friend jumped on my sofa.
Police and Security guards are not parenting when they look out for your children.

If they're teens (even neurotypical teens) I imagine it's very much more difficult for a recent step parent to discipline them. And probably too late for anything to change in the way the bio parent parents them. So I suspect that the step parent would have to put up and shut up to a degree, and fall in with whatever disciplinary structure is already in place, even if they don't think it's working.

I'd hate to be a step parent who joins a family with teens, to be honest. Sounds really tricky.

Yes. In ways appropriate to the child's age and needs and in line with how the parents do things.

Unless the parents are neglectful or abusive of course, then they have a moral duty of care and should intervene in the best interests of the child even if it is not what the parents want

I would expect a babysitter who had known them five minutes to tell the children off and correct them if they did something wrong or dangerous. So an adult living with them, whether a stepparent or a grandparent or whatever, should definitely take an active role if they are alone with the child.
You don’t have to call it parenting, for me that’s also about having a global long term plan for the child rather than just telling off. But an adult caregiving role is appropriate.

Like it or not, living in house with children, any adult in it will need to parent. This will include telling off, feeding, looking after, ensuring cleanliness etc. Given the ND status of a child, the adult will need to learn potential pitfalls of their automatic style so may need to go into it even more intentionally. Frankly, with or without ND status, the best thing to do is be very clear in this sort of scenario what you should and should not be doing, what of your style is effective for kids, ND or not, given you may not be automatically viewed as having the authority. Stepparents are very very quickly undermined - there needs to be adult alignment out of the room, in the same way that is needed in a both bio parents scenario.

Families fall apart and children suffer all the time because biological parents don't get this stuff right, let alone stepparents.

As a stepparent I will tell off my SC BUT I very specifically asked my DH that he broadly be in charge of disciplining as he started to get into a classic man thing of being fun dad while I started being seen as the fun sponge.

Children are most likely to be abused when there is a stepparent in the home. Being very clear about what constitutes fair and reasonable discipline has to be established

I think if the parent is expecting you to pick up the slack regarding other aspects of parenting then they shouldn’t say you can’t get involved with the other side like discipline

Agree with this. I am now DSS primary parent but I very much viewed that if I’m expected to clean his vomit, make sure he brushes his teeth, and do a variety of other things I wouldn’t do for a friend’s child (unless babysitting) then of course I am also responsible for discipline.

It’s just that whereas if two natural parents disagree, it’s probably the default parent who overrides, in this scenario the veto power is with the biological parent (unless, like me now, they become the primary parent).

Every family dynamic is different. I do think in a long term blended family situation then the stepparent should have some parenting responsibility. My dh has been in my son’s life since he was a toddler (now a teen) and over the years he has done lots of parenting elements - lifts, meals, holidays, childcare - so yeah while his bio dad is very much involved I do think dh deserves some of the dad accolades and rights too.

The issues occur when there are differences in parenting styles between the bio parent and the stepparent. I have a friend whose partner is very strict with her kids and I know it gets to her. She is fairly laid back and I don’t think she’d choose to parent in that way so I’m not sure why she stands for it really.

It’s a tricky one but ultimately if you are expecting someone to play the role of a parent then it involves telling offs too.

This. We’re expected to love them as our own but simultaneously accept we have no say in anything. A stepparent’s place is in the wrong, at least according to many on MN.

My stepmum parented me, but I would definitely say she left the harsher talks etc to my dad rather than doing them herself. She would discipline me for basic things but she would never have grounded me or done any kind of consequence punishment. She was in my life from when I was 5 or 6 though and I had 0 contact with my biological mother so perhaps a bit different than if i’d have been a teenager and still had my mother around

dh is step-parent to my dc. He was always the 'responsible adult' reinforcing whatever guidelines and limits I put in place. But I was the parent. He was not. It worked out fine for us and he had (and still has) a delightful relationship with dc when they were younger, and now as adults.

I re-married when my DS was 10 years old. He's ND. I married someone who my DS had got to know as a 'friend of mummy's' over 5 years.

For context I was widowed before DS was born so it was just him & me for years. I introduced my BF carefully as I say, he was mummy's friend for many years & never stayed over unless DS was staying at his GP's house. It was DS who broached the subject of us getting married by asking my BF if he was going to marry his mummy and why not when BF said he hadn't asked me.

As it turned out the marriage was a disaster, but DS & my XH are still close & DS regards him as his 'father'. So in that aspect not a complete disaster, as at least DS has a father figure, just XH was a crap husband. But that's subject for another discussion.

XH felt that he shouldn't discipline DS & left it all to me. Even to the extent that he would leave the room or even the house & say 'over to you'. I've since talked to DS about this (DS is now aged 29) he says that he wishes that XH had been stronger & that he felt that he could divide us by messing around when I wasn't around without consequences & that looking back it would have helped if I'd been backed up by XH.

However, DS suspects that XH is also ND & has tried to discuss this with him, but he refuses to engage in this conversation.

To sum up: I say that a step parent is a parent & they should tell a child off if the child is misbehaving. Just as with natural parents, it should be agreed. From which I mean, both parents should be in agreement about what is acceptable & what to let go. Also need to agree with the punishments - when the naughty step, time out, grounding (and what 'grounding' means) is appropriate.

Always parents need to discuss & have a united front - at least in front of the children, you can discuss late if you disagree with a decision the other parent made.

you would assume they would be on the same page as the parenting adults in this scenario

I had a really fantastic stepdad who was in my life for over 30 years until he sadly died. He struck the balance just right. We knew he was there should we need anything but he left all of the parenting to my mum. As in, he never disciplined us or elbowed his way in as a Dad figure. He was so good at that and I wish I had told him so. I miss him terribly.

Of course they should. Not overriding the parent eg let’s say a teenager does something, and the parent thinks they should be grounded but the step parent disagrees, they don’t get to overrule. But I cannot imagine a situation where a step parent can’t tell a young child off for eg rudeness, or ask them to tidy their shoes away, or tell them not to jump on the furniture.

If they aren’t aligned on parenting then I think it sounds like a bad idea to live together tbh.

Once they move together and move from being parent's BF/GF to being a step parent, they have to have some level of interaction and some level of parenting.

The child being ND just means that they should reflect it in their step-parenting.

This 👆
You can't live with a child and just be an observer. You are a human being and if this child is misbehaving or disruptive, surely you are within reason to correct them or at least voice your opinion.

Of course they should be able to parent them!!

In general, yes, they are in loco parentis, so should act like it.

In specific much depends on the circumstances. Age of children, age when step/parent got together, degree of co-parenting of biological parents, behaviour of children, degree of acceptance by children, degree to which biological parent wants the step to co-parent..whether it's a blended family..

I was a stepmum before I became a mum. I ran baths, washed hair, cut nails, made meals, washed clothes... and yes, occasionally told them off if hubby wasn't there. Step daughter lived with us for over a year- I did homework, listened to her read, took her to school, dropped off at Brownies and friends...
I would say that's all part of the role if a parent.

Speaking as someone without direct experience of blended family- I think it might depend on various factors such as how long they’ve been together (more acceptable perhaps for a partner of five years to have some parenting role than one of three months), whether they live with the kids, and whether they ever care for the kids on their own. Eg if they do look after the kids on their own sometimes then surely it’s expected that stepparent would have to make some parenting decisions and take charge? Particularly around discipline, although I would expect parent to have discussed their preferred approach with step parent. When it’s both adults around the kids the step parent would probably look to the parent to take the lead though. Again it’s best if they have a fairly unified approach - I’ve heard of scenarios where a step parent doesn’t agree with parenting decisions and doesn’t feel they can say anything- that’s no good. You also don’t want to end up in good cop bad cop cos kids will exploit that!
Whether the step parent also has kids and whether those kids spend a lot of time with the stepkids/ lives with them some of the time. I imagine it would be tricky if say one parent was looking after all the kids (or even both looking after them) and there were different views on parenting!
So in short I don’t think it’s a simple yes or no situation.