Should step parents parent?

[QwethCAs]

Dh and I were talking about a friend and her partner and whether he thebpartner should be parenting her kids. He is their step parent and lives with them. One of the kids is ND which does make it trickier. Dh thinks step parents should have the power to parent and tell the kids off, I don't.

Well, the child in question is a ND 5yo. So of course the step parent is going to have to parent.

Of course the step parent should be parenting a child who lives with them otherwise it will eventually cause arguments in the house. I lived with my dad and stepmum in my teens she also had children who aren't my dad's bio kids and stepmum always threw it in his face that her kids weren't his when it came to establishing rules so he couldn't tell them what to do. It meant her kids got away with everything and believe me it wasn't a happy environment to live in. If the step parent hasn't been around long enough to be able to give rules etc they shouldn't be living with the kids

I live with my DP along with my DD who is now 18 (and mostly stays with her bf) and my DS8. Their father isn’t in the picture after a court order stating for him to stay away due to continued abuse and neglect.
my DP has been a godsend for DS, DS is also ND with adhd and I can’t stress how positive he has been in his life. He disciplines if he needs to, verbally obviously and treats both DC like his own. It was a bit more awkward as he doesn’t have any biological children. He knows I stand by his decisions and trust his judgement, not blindly!

I know of a case where the step parent is the main care giver to her two step children (both ND). Biological Mum isn't allowed contact with the children. Dad works long hours and is himself ND and struggles to cope. If it wasn't for Step Mum I suspect both would be in care. She is an absolute saint in my book. I also know of two cases where the Step Dad was in the child's life as babies and the biological Dad no where to be seen. The Step Dad's were amazing Dad's to these children (now adults). Op - maybe there are specifics in the case you are referring to that make you feel the way you do (you haven't mentioned them). Weird of you to make such a sweeping staintment though.

You can't live with a child and never get involved, attempting that would be madness.

I think the level of parental involvement can vary though.

In our circumstances DH was a widow, he was widowed when DS1 was a baby, and when we got married my girls hadn't seen their father for three years after he walked out to live with someone else. We moved in together when DS1 was 8 and my girls 7 - you cannot live full time with children of that age and not be a parental figure imo. Especially when we were a household where once we lived together we split the school run, split the school holidays and parented pretty equally in terms of time.

In the circumstances of my best friend though - her new (around 5 years now) partner is in the military and he is away for the majority of the time. Her children are teens and split their time between her and their father, who lives in the same street. Her partner has zero experience of children (he says that himself), is hardly ever there, and it would be inappropriate for him to start playing a huge parental role at this stage in the children's lives.

The only people I know who have a strict "we don't parent each others children" rule in their house are one couple who have vastly different parenting ways, and tbh I think it's a recipe for disaster as the children all live under different rules and it's going to erupt at some point. DH and I parented very similarly even before we knew each other so it made blending together much easier - I cannot imagine the conflict when there are differing styles.

It is funny thought because a lot of people believe there should be no say.

DH and I have taken in my late cousin's three-year-old and cousin's best friend is genuinely of the belief that she should have more of a say in decisions than my DH because he's "not the Dad".

When it's come up in conversation with friends there's been a few others say that they'd see it similarly - all and any decisions should be made by me. Which, to me, is just bizarre. You can't be half of the adults living full time in the home of a 3yo and have zero say.

Surely it's all dependent on the age of the child/living circumstances. If you have known the child from a very young age and they are with you most of the time, it would be hard to not fall into a parenting role. You would just be another parent figure to a young child. If you are wiping their snot, loving them, and changing their nappies, you have earned the right to discipline them imo. A step child you've met aged 10 and who just comes on weekends? Leave it to the parent.

I also think that no matter the age etc, a step parent can tell off for basic requirements that all household members should be following e.g. not leaving a mess in the kitchen, or whatever.

If you are left looking after a child alone on a regular basis, then yes, obviously you will need to parent and should parent.

I think it depends on the situation. How long have they been together? Contribution to the house overall, partnership etc or just the boyfriend who stays over! Is the other parents involved and hands on?

I think the parent should have the final say on parenting style but the children need to have respect for the step parent.

my SIL become the secondary partner when she for with her new husband and honestly my niece turned into a teenage nightmare!! Her step dad was really strict, her over ruled her mum. I remember calling and asking if I could take her some where and I was told needed to ask SD as it was up to him, I felt this was too far and her mum should have had the final say on whether she was allowed to do things!!

This thread seems much more in favour step parents parenting than they usually go. I'm always surprised how against it some people are. Of course there are different parenting approaches to navigate and it can be particularly tricky with older children or where the other parent is still the scene.

But I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and living with their children and not being a proper part of their life. Even if I might not have final say on school choice or whatever.

Whenever I was in the care of another adult as a child I knew they were in loco parentis and got to make the rules in general. Even if I was put out by one babysitter who wanted an early lights out when I wanted to read.

Similarly if I spend time with my friend and her children I'll open a juice bottle for a child/ back up my friend if she says no more hot chocolate and they whine to me/build a tower from bricks. We're a group!

DH has been step dad to my 3 DC for 10 years. He parents them, the same as I do. He has the same level of authority in the house as a bill paying adult and I promised him when he became a part of us that we were equal and I'd never undermine him.
We communicate. He's a fabulous dad and all 3 dc love and respect him - He treats them with respect too and he loves them as fiercely as I do.
So yes, step parents should parents.

Yes.

There are times when a step parent needs to step back and let the spouse take the lead, but in general they should parent.

Where the kids are only in the home infrequently, or where they were older and teens when the step-parent came on the scene, there will be more times they need to step back, in my experience.

I don’t think theres a blanket yes or no answer, I think it’s something that each family needs to agree on themselves. And it’s something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon before a step parent moves in imo

Realistically though if you’re living with a child and interacting with them everyday you’re going to need to have some level of responsibility for them.

No. My daughter has two parents, myself and her father.

The presence of romantic partners in our lives has no bearing on that. They will never be her parents. Nor would any of us ever use the term step-parent.

Obviously, all humans have the right to challenge poor behaviour in other humans. If my daughter ever behaved unkindly or badly (which she doesn't) in the presence of one of our romantic partners, I'd accept their right to challenge her on that. Just as a random person on the bus would have that right.

But beyond that - just no.

To be honest, I think if my daughter was behaving in such a way that my or her dad's romantic partner was even tempted to step in and say something to her, the problem would be a lot bigger than a "should step-parents parent" one. But luckily that's never happened.

As much as anything, it's going to depend on the age of the children when the step parent entered the picture. My son and his wife have three children, but only one of them is biologically his. However, they have been together since the children were quite young, so they both act as the children's parents in exactly the same way they would if all three were biologically theirs. Decisions are made jointly and behaviour is managed jointly and finances are equally shared. I can honestly say he loves all three of his children equally. It's been a joy to watch.

Had they got together when the first two children were in their mid-teens, I would expect the situation to be very different. But my son would still have had to accept that he was moving into someone else's family and be careful not to overstep any boundaries with the older children. Personally, I would never move someone into my children's home at that stage. I would wait until they had left home because very few teenagers are happy for a strange adult to move into their territory. I know I would have hated it.

They can do the same level of "parenting" (immediate care, immediate discipline) as a relative or employed adult (childminder etc) who has been left in loco parentis. This would require the positive agreement of both the parent they are with and their own consent, neither of those should be assumed.

If a child is in immediate danger they should intervene anyway, as a human being.

If the child still has two involved biological parents then they should not be leading on any "parenting" choices such as schooling, discipline boundaries, pocket money, haircuts etc. Ideally they would have as minimal involvement as possible on any of these although some things might need the parent they are with to consider their input wrt the proposed impact on their overall household finances and logistics etc.