AIBU to track ds16 location

[NimbleMintOrca]

I want to install a location tracker on DS16 phone for his safety. He travels to school by train and goes out with friends. DS16 is refusing to be tracked and is saying it's an invasion of privacy. AIBU to make him install an app that lets me see his location? I don't see how this would invade his privacy unless he's up to something dodgy in which case I should know about that.

The ship has sailed. How long has he been getting the train for without you tracking him? And also going out with friends?

I’m not necessarily against tracking kids but I’d have thought it more appropriate at 11/12 than to start at 16 once he’s been used to his independence. For your son it must feel like a massive step backwards.

No way my child is not an animal i wont track the idea is ridiculous but I beleive i am to say your child but if i was the child i would disable it

We always had find my friends on our Apple phones.

Me, dh and the children - the 23 year old still has it on. I get the occasional text when I’m out saying, “just seen you are at Tesco, please can you pick up xyz” from him.

My 12 year old can see where I am if I am stuck in traffic getting her from school.

No one in our family sees it as a privacy issue.

I think it's one thing if he agrees.
But he's old enough to make his own informed choices about being tracked.
FWIW I'd never have forgiven my parent for forcing this on me had they done so. I wanted privacy at that age.

Just a FYI some companys have stupid and outdated policy so even though its your personal phone if it is not a no strings attached perk but rather a BIK there can be a tie into his companys IT and social media policy.🤷‍♀️

OP your child is 16 so only 2 years away from being a legally adult. Nothing you stated suggests he is a "wild child".

You should have spent the last 10+ years training him to be aware enough to make good choices or opt for the best of a bad lot.

He will screw up but have you discussed how he can recover? Can he trust you to call for help at 3 am and you will turn up and be calm?

If your sole aim is to be able to remotely access and control his movement you are teaching him that coercive control (now recognised as a crime) is acceptable in a relationship.

He is objecting as he feels that he is been put on a leash rather than be handed a safety net. You should ask yourself why you got that reply and how that reflects the state of your relationship.

When he loses his phone, he might wish he had let you!
I use find my iPhone most often to find where my own phone is 😳

This!

Ds left his phone on a bus and we watched it go all around the Black Country before intercepting it at the local bus station and getting it back from where it was wedged down the side of a seat!

I always find this "reason" wholly disingenuous. There are multiple ways people can let others know what train they are on and their ETA; and heaven knows, just normal day to day routines live up to their name so tracking or notification is not usually even needed unless something's happened. Evening meals aren't run under military conditions.

People just want to track others for whatever own purpose, but they know that sounds creepy so they pretend its for some other reason. They'd be a lot more convincing if they just owned up to the truth.

People are entitled to privacy without giving a reason, and they especially shouldn't need to explain why they don't want to be followed round the streets at any second.

I accept there may be a case for children, but at the same time, if they are old enough for phones, they are surely in the age range to be trusted. And tracking the device is no good if the mythical kidnapper lobs it out the window as he drives off anyway.

He’s 16

isn’t that old enough to join the army?

You could however make his pocket money dependent on his keeping you in the loop as to his whereabouts- who is is with , time coming home - but not to the degree of tracking his location - that shows a complete lack of trust or irrational fear which you need to
untangle

My son is 19 and we still have Life360. While he would have been the first to rail at a lack of privacy, we had a discussion about this and chose it together because he understood that it was potentially to his benefit that I knew where he was, because we live rurally and if he came off the road in a big way he’d want someone to be able to find him and get help.

I have made a point of not abusing it, but it gives us both a sense of security to have it. I won’t pretend he’s some angel who has never had me worry about what he was up to, so this is one small thing that helps reassure me. He also uses the app to check on where I am if he’s starting dinner, for example, or to see whether I’m somewhere useful if he needs something picking up from a shop.

In my view, it’s about being aligned on why you’re using it and treating it as something that gives you reassurance so you can ease into giving him greater independence, rather than something you’re using as a surveillance tool.

You certainly aren’t the brightest in the bunch are you? A basic google search (won’t ask for anything more advanced) will shed light on current crime rates, as opposed to decades ago. Good luck!

Crime rates have fallen, is what a google search is telling me

It normalises coercive control. For all these partners tracking each other for 'good' reasons there will also be those using it to control their partners, and make it very difficult for them to leave when their every move is tracked.

This. I pay for dh, adult and teen dc. Mainly because it’s cheap on my contract and we cba to separate it out, and I can afford the £20 a month.

we all share location. But we consent. If someone wanted to stop they can.

he’s 16. He needs to consent. You could force him, but willing to bet he’ll work out how to switch it off or leave his phone behind if he is up to no good. “Oops went to a friends, no signal in their garage/basement…”.

It's unreasonable if he doesn't want you to do it. I think it's quite weird, this idea of expecting to track people and know their every movement. Especially at the age of 16. It's definitely an invasion of privacy. I've never tracked anyone. My 17 year old son is tracking me though but I'm not tracking him 🤣

My DC ages 15 19 and 22 understand that we pay for the phone so the tracker is on. The adult DC are welcome to pay for their own phones and data contracts.

Similarly they can see where I am.

He's not happy with it, so you don't do it.
If other people have family members that are happy, then that's a different scenario.

As others have said, it won't keep him safe - in fact it may make him less safe as he'll "accidentally" leave his phone behind if he thinks you are checking up on him. This is nothing to do with him doing anything he doesn't want you to know, but acknowledging he doesn't have to let you know every single aspect of his life.

Normal expectation would be that he tells you where he is, who he is with and when he will be home before he goes out.

DS 16 is on the Google family link which tracks. I can't even think of a time I've actually used it to track him, but it was a relief to have it when he was mugged and I could share with the police the location of the phone.

Yonger teen it was useful when her friend from school picked up her phone by mistake and she thought someone had stolen it. Big relief to track it to friends house and just send a text to the mum to ask if we could pop round to get it.

I probably would check if either of them were not home when they said they would be, just in case.

But it's very much a trust thing. They've both had the Google family app since they first got a phone and are fully aware I'm not keeping tabs on them. It's just an extra in case we need it. They trust me not to be overzealous. And I trust them to be where they say they are.

YABU. I absolutely don't believe in tracking, unless perhaps you're going on a solo hike or something. I have never tracked my child and he had a lot of freedom. He's almost 18 now and so sensible I'm not sure he's mine! He keeps in touch with no prompting.
I think tracking your child is detrimental to their well being actually, your kids might be 'fine' with it but that's because they've been raised to believe it's normal.
Surely you know by how you've raised your teen whether you can trust them to keep their self safe or not? Do you have a good relationship?

Mine are fine with it for a number of reasons.

mainly they’re always putting their phone down and forgetting where. “Muuum, beep my phone” is a common refrain. Also the reassurance if it’s lost- we’ve recovered a few phones by tracking them to a friends car, the gym, and various other places.

second they prefer the freedom of not having to check in. When we discussed it I said they were absolutely free to remove themselves, but I would expect courtesy contact like a text when they arrive places, or change plans, are delayed etc so I don’t worry. They chose to keep the tracking then they don’t have to worry about letting me know they’re staying late at x’s, or are stopping somewhere after school. Especially as they have the privilege now of pretty much free use of my car whenever they want.

they can track me because I don’t live an interesting enough life for it to matter 😂

I'm really glad I grew up in an age where my parents didn't live up my arse and I was allowed a bit of freedom in my teens. I find all this 24/7 location sharing and knowing where everyone is and needing people to be socially available to you 24/7 shite really dystopian and depressing. And we wonder why the younger generations are entering the world helpless and clueless.

It's also nonsense that it's for their "safety". If they wanted to disappear they'd ditch the phone, people have been doing it since mobiles became a thing because even without trackers they ping their location periodically. If they got kidnapped the first thing said kidnappers would do is chuck the phone off a bridge. It's about control.

Mine are fine with it for a number of reasons.
mainly they’re always putting their phone down and forgetting where. “Muuum, beep my phone” is a common refrain. Also the reassurance if it’s lost- we’ve recovered a few phones by tracking them to a friends car, the gym, and various other places

See that is a perfect example. Your kids are in the habit of losing things, likely expensive and rather than there being any consequences/lessons learned mummy comes to to the rescue, every time.

Never entered my head to track their phones. Don't see the need even weirder when adults do it.

No, they aren’t “in the habit of losing things”

generally they take very good care of their stuff. Beeping their phone at home is just a quicker way to find it- I do it all the time, put my phone down somewhere, get distracted and forget where. I often wish I could beep my glasses and car keys as well! But the phone isn’t “lost”, it’s in the house somewhere, it’s just taking seconds to find it vs half an hour of searching every room.

i’ve never had to replace anything because they’ve been careless with it. Sometimes shit happens, phone falls out a bag, they’re in a rush and leave it in a locker at the gym. That’s got to be three or four times though over 10 years for two kids, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

sharing their device location with me just makes it easier. They could track it on their laptops or by logging into iCloud on my phone, so if they were in the habit of losing devices they could be located without me having the tracking.

tech is also my job. So they are careful with their phones as they think I have ways of getting into their phones and/or seeing what they’re up to without needing permission 😂. I don’t, obviously, but they don’t believe me 😂

DD and her friend (both 18) have had each other on tracking apps for a few years but neither set of parents have direct access. There's an agreement that friend will supply details if we have concerns and cannot contact DD and vice versa for friend's parents. We have thankfully never needed it but now they're at university in 2 different cities they like to know they can still look out for each other.
Would a set up like that work?