Husband doesn't want another baby

[Cpmumx]

Just looking for some advice here. Me & my husband have a beautiful 2yr old boy which is just an amazing blessing. I always thought I would have 2 babies but my husband doesn't want another one. We always said we would have two but we realize the struggles financially. The only reason my husband doesn't want another one is due to financial reasons & me being off for 9 months maternity. We both work & have good jobs but we want to provide an amazing life for our son. I understand my husbands point but I am so heartbroken at the thought of not having another baby. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. Do you ever get over this heart break? I always see post of people not regretting having another baby but regretting NOT having one and I just can't stop thinking about it. How do people get over this? FYI I do not want to split from my husband & completely get his reasons,, just want to know if I will move past this or I will resent him later on in life?

Is it solely financial or does he not enjoy it?l and so is like "ooooh money"

If its solely financial I would make a financial plan to show how it could work.

We are high earners and my dh went slightly doolally when I was pregnant and was really really weird about minor things (turning lights off, throwing out a tib with 15p of potato salad in etc) it was making me cry a lot and he'd get angry/ annoyed/ sad
when we got down to it he felt almost suffocated by his perceived financial pressure of 2 kids.

I made a spreadsheet (hes avoidant) and proved we could afford it and it made him much more relaxed.

If it’s any consolation that feeling of broodiness would probably remain even if you had a second.
My neighbour is 80 and says she would really, really love another baby.

People regret having more, people regret having none. It’s easy to say it’s as much your choice as it is his - however the one who doesn’t want the child gets preference imo. Financials is a valid reason, especially with the way the world is going. It’s fair enough if you both want to talk around your choices and try to see the other persons point of view, but there has to be a point of acceptance! Is he willing to take control of family planning eg the snip?

My friend said the same as you, they had a second, then a third - she’s now still broody and convinced nothing will be the same without a fourth 😂 Bless her but I think some people just don’t feel “done”.

"EDIT" he is Totally against having the snip even thought he doesn't want another child.

I wanted my third and it was all I could think about in the end. Every argument was to do with this. I couldn’t help it. Eventually it would have ruined us. Dh, one day just said let’s have one more!

For me it was the best thing ever. I felt done after number 3.

What’s his reasoning for no snip? @Cpmumx

Why doesn’t he want a vasectomy if he doesn’t want any more kids?

He's heard it's hurts and he just doesn't want to do it. Which I think is unreasonable

He heard it's hurts & just doesn't want one, which I think is unreasonable.

He said he has heard it hurts and just doesn't want one. No actual reason. I think this is unreasonable!

thats fine. Can just use condoms. I know on mumsnet a lot of women think that men won’t want to do that and so will relent to having another child, but in real life it rarely happens.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable - it’s his body.

So use condoms, why does he need a vasectomy ?

It’s not unreasonable to not want one. It’s not needed unless he’s insisting on being unprotected.

I think its fine for him to do what he wants with his body but you should be clear you get to do what you want with yours.

So I'd be really upfront now
"If you dont want a child and wont take responsibility for that by having a vasectomy... what happens if despite pill/condoms etc I got pregnant - how do you see that playing out?"

Let him stumble over telling you have expect you to get an abortion....

Then Id be really clear if I got pregnant i would 100% be keeping it even if it ended the marriage and he should know that info in advance when deciding that he does want to remain a 1 child but doesnt want to bother taking any of the necessary precautions to ensure that actually happens as he "heard a vasectomy is painful"

I completely agree with you there but it's insisted I still have to take contraception!

It doesn't cost THAT much money to have a baby!

OK one year of not having your salary. Sure. But it's a man's job to support his wife when she's having his children, old fashioned I'm sorry but it is.

As an aside - vasectomies don't hurt for 99% of men. My husband was the 1% and he says it was very painful. Who cares though, it can't have been as bad as childbirth or if you added up all my periods over the years!

I'd personally definitely come off the pill if I were you. Tell him you've taken responsibility so far, he can take responsibility for the rest of your fertile years.

Your son will have more financially but will miss out on having a sibling. Does your dh have siblings? If so, does he value that experience?

I would definitely be clear that the person who doesn't want another child bears the responsibility for contraception

He can't insist on this

Yes we both have siblings & our boy is such a social little man. So would love for him to have a siblings. It's so hard. But yes totally agree with you

I think I would provide him with a copy of all the side effects your contraception causes you and remind him that this is every single month, not a one-off pain and a few days’ recovery. And then remind him that contraceptives are not 100% a guarantee of you not getting pregnant.

I would also say that you’ve been having to take responsibility for contraception for large amounts of your adult life when you didn’t want to get pregnant, yet now that you do want to and he doesn’t, it seems unfair that he is again expecting you to take that burden instead of the person who doesn’t want a baby. He can’t have it all ways.

But TBH the bigger issue is how you two differ on this. While I fall in the camp of “unless it’s 2 enthusiastic yeses, it’s a no”, you need to do some introspection or possibly some counselling to work out what impact this is going to have if you don’t get to have the longer-for second child. I always wanted two, but so did DH: I’m just really prone to miscarriages and in the end we stopped at one by mutual agreement. And hard as it was to accept, it was easier knowing that we both felt the same. But you need to know whether you’ll just end up resenting him, and I suspect that’s more likely if he’s not prepared to up and get the snip.

Perhaps what you need is couple’s counselling to explore this?

We have 3 DC and it can be a struggle financially but they value their siblings so much. My DH was an only child so while he loved his childhood, he's given his children the only thing he never had. We're so proud of our lovely kids - they are worth every penny.

Jobs and money come and go but kids are your heart forever.

Finally I know a couple who put off having a second child because he was worried about the finances. Then they split up. He now lives with his new partner and her kids while she lives with her only child.

My DH sadly didn’t want three despite the fact that he’d always known I did. Ultimately I felt that I had to accept it, though it will always be a regret for me.

But there’s no way in hell I would have accepted stopping at one, given that we had always talked about having multiple children. Only you know how you feel, but I think that in your situation I’d have so much hurt and anger that I probably wouldn’t be able to stay married to him.

It might not cost much to have a baby, but bugger me are teenagers expensive!!!!

Do you think your husband will maybe change his mind down the line? After my second child, I was fully expecting to proceed with the third as we had agreed and to my devastation surprise, my husband said we were not having any more. My heart was broken and ai thought about the third baby every day. I didn't push it as I respected his decision but it felt like there was someone in our family who wasn't there, but who was supposed to be there!

Anyway I stopped bringing it up and one day he just asked me should we have another! I got pregnant at once and even though I love babies and love being a mum, and would be delighted if I fell pregnant by accident, I don't feel like I need another baby like I did. I'm pretty much done but like to day dream.

So keep your hopes up, speak to your husband, tell him your feelings and leave it. Maybe bring it up again down the line. I know how hard it is, I'm sorry.