Sister ruined Christmas with stupid affair drama - AIBU to be really stressed?

[aerisgainsborough]

It’s a long one, grab a brew and a biscuit.

I’m 36, sister B is 33, sister C is 31. All married, I have 3 children, we’re close knit, live within 5 miles of each other and do stuff with each other and our parents all the time. Middle sis has always had issues with self-esteem and either hates herself or loves herself. Has always been impulsive and attention-seeking (my youngest sis and I think she may have BPD).

B’s husband is a bit of a wet lettuce and very surface-level, is a bit ignorant and only speaks to my kids to tell them off in a really patronising voice.B He has “not made his mind up” on whether or not to start a family so B is kind of stuck in limbo on that and they won’t discuss it. She tries to let on that she doesn’t want children, but it directly contradicts what’s she’s said before and she flip flops constantly. They have very few commitments, a cat and a weekly board game club, and sit playing online games all weekend and that’s about it but reckon they live busy lives.

However, B cheated on him 10-ish years ago and he forgave her, which made us all lose respect for both B and for him because she really was horrible to him. He then proposed and they’ve been married for 5 years. He struggles a lot with anxiety etc and she says she feels more like his carer, but we’ve never seen any behaviour to support this so just generally have to take her word for it.

Recently B started a new job (she changes jobs nearly every year) and has got friendly with a male co-worker who is 10 years younger and they’ve started up a fling, despite them both being married. She “left” her husband almost immediately and declared her love for him. He strung her along for weeks, saying he couldn’t leave his girlfriend yet, going through phases of constant messaging and then ghosting her. Eventually she confronted this lad and said she loves him and he’s told her he regrets it all and nothing can happen. I was sworn to secrecy during all of this and nobody else knew but me, which was horrible and during Christmas week so I spent the whole Christmas period hosting the rest of the family while B and her husband went and played happy families with his side. I’m autistic and had a very intense internal struggle with all this. I was crying, feeling sick, unable to think about anything else. I was trying to cope with everything changing, her betrayal and not being the person I thought she was, them already being split up but not telling anyone, When it finally all came out and she told everyone, they were all angry at her for putting me in that position. It’s all everyone has been able to talk about since and my mum keeps trying to get me to find things out. I’m the eldest default child who gets leaned on by everyone and I’m just so tired.

So B is now just living with her husband as housemates and helping each other set up dating profiles. She is meeting up with a 40-odd year old she met on a kink app and during a phone call he told her that he had massive hands and could choke the life out of her if he wanted to. I’m sitting there listening as she tells me she’s meeting up with him at his flat in Manchester and I am now picturing her being chopped up and dumped in a bin. I’m trying to put some distance between me and her problems because we all get a bit enmeshed at times and it’s not good for my mental health but I am worried sick that something will happen to her.

My parents fully believe that B and husband will get back together and don’t know about B being “on the apps”. I’m sick of them asking about it and just don’t know what to do about it all. Thank you, if you’ve read this far.

As others have said, I would take a massive step away from all of it.

If she tries to talk to you about it, tell her to stop, and that you don’t want to hear it.

Time to rethink being so “close knit” with all the family I think. Gives the false impression that her problems are yours, and allows both her and your Mum to overstep your boundaries (your Mum by trying to get you to find out information).

I agree with those saying being autistic can make you more emotional and more sensitive, especially for women and girls, and also makes you more easy to manipulate.

She’s not a bad sister. Not a particularly good wife, but that’s by the by. I’m increasingly frustrated by her behaviour and perhaps I am mistaken in thinking that forums are a place to vent. I love her and I want her to be happy but I don’t want to hear about dick pics and the apps anymore. She’s not really been there for me for a long time but just expects me to be there for her. I’m her sister and I’ll try to be there for her as much as I can but so much of this has been against my will.

In terms of you feeling you have to help for her mental health, I would work on pointing her towards services which can help (counselling etc), saying that you are not the right person to support her in this, it needs to be someone professional.

Think about it like this: despite all your efforts, and all that it costs you emotionally, nothing is improved for your sister. And you can't pour from an empty cup for your own family.

Look after yourself.

I would also think about telling her how much what she is telling you/ involving you affects you, which is why you are putting boundaries in place now you are all adults. Families are weird, we can all be forced into roles which don't suit us, but we don't have to stay there.

The thing is OP, you are doing this to yourself.

You are so stressed but you are not doing anything to help yourself.

Because of your training and your profession, you know that there are tools to use. You know that you need to change your own behaviour.

You should focus on improving yourself, setting healthy boundaries, etc. All this stuff you already know so why aren't you doing it?

OP I think you have to tell your sister that you do not want to hear about her marriage or dating life. Not at all.

Tell your whole family that you will not in future agree to keep any secrets and they must not ask you.

Tell your family that you have stopped talking to your sister about her marriage / dating and will not enter into conversations with any of them about it either.

They are all just stoking their own drama by all this talk and discussion. Step right out of it.

There is nothing you can do to help them so there is no point in knowing about it.

My parents act like they’re walking on eggshells around her and expect me to fill them in on stuff. I’m the only one asking her if she’s ok and I really do want her to be happy. I have a lot of time for her but I can’t enable her behaviour like when we were teenagers and she needs to stop trying to make me.

I’m trying to put some distance between me and her problems because we all get a bit enmeshed at times

A bit?!

This is your sister’s life. Your sister’s marriage. Yet everything on the thread is about YOU. Right down to the subject line about how your sister “ruined Christmas” and how YOU’RE really stressed. Couldn’t think about anything else, being sick, making sure your parents turned on HER for causing YOU stress - it’s all about you. You’ve reduced your sister to the supporting role in her own story, while you’ve somehow become the star.

You judge her marriage, her lifestyle, even her hobbies. You judged her for the affair, her husband for forgiving her, yet still can’t cope when she does the same again, wailing that she’s “not the person who thought she was” - even though she’s exactly the person you knew she was! And you wonder why she has self-esteem issues?

You have a busy life of your own to manage. You don’t need to take on your sister’s as well - and you can’t blame her for you getting stressed over it. You have choices.

Look up Main Character Syndrome - and ask yourself why Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman never play the confidante sister.

If you try to hold a boundary and your sister ignores it / insists on letting it all out to you, then I’d start to avoid seeing her on your own op. If she then tries to “get things off her chest” by phone, don’t answer or respond to messages. Tell your parents you can’t keep acting as family go between, it sounds like they’ve parentified you as the eldest and there’s also a level of unhealthy enmeshment.

I’m ND and I totally get it, all this would make me feel sick too. I think NT people would find it just as stressful though surely? Either way, you have to put your own well-being and mental health first, if you try explaining all this to your sister and she still doesn’t get it and continues to be selfish, then I’d honestly avoid seeing her, at least in the short term. Please start putting yourself first.

The reference to the guy with the big hands is clearly sexual / kink related, but I’d also be worried about her meeting this man now. All you can do is warn her to be sensible if she insists on meeting him, to do it in a public place and not go back to his place. Ultimately though she’s an adult and makes her own choices, you are not responsible for her potentially poor judgement and decisions. If your sister and parents don’t understand how negatively this is effecting you then there’s not a lot you can do, other than putting boundaries in place and not seeing your sister alone in the short term. Just make excuses for now if being honest feels too much at the moment, but please start putting your needs first right now

I love them both and always will, which is why I’m so concerned for her. However, I can’t help but feel a bit resentful when she throws a grenade into her own life and then expects me to be like “Yassss Queen, you do you” and let her use my house as a therapists office and somewhere to go when she doesn’t want to be around her husband/potential ex husband anymore.

How tedious; like a bad soap opera. I’d put some distance between you and leave her to it. I’d loathe to be this entrenched in my family’s private lives.

Yes but you need to stop asking her if she's okay or inviting the conversation in. You need a cooling off period from her!

And you need to rebuff your parents with: "I'm sorry, I don't know anything about it anymore, you'll have to ask her yourself. What are your weekend plans?"

She's obvs a volatile character so you are
You work in mental health, you need to reread the Drama triangle as you are in the rescuer and enabler role. How would you advice boundaries with someone you're supporting at work? Time to Flex your communication muscles !!!

If she nips around just be busy on your laptop and CONSTANTLY talk about how swamped you are, don't have time for anything etc. Offer her a tea and say she can't stay long as you're nipping out soon
If she starts talking just say awww sounds difficult. Anyway....

ND person here who has also had to deal with sibling drama.

Everyone here who is saying it's your fault for not setting boundaries? People like B ignore boundaries. I have said so, so many times 'I can't deal with talking about this right now, please can you stop' and they do. not. care.

If you block them that causes even more drama and you get everyone else on your back because they don't want to deal with the fallout.

So what you need to do is set your boundaries internally. Let the craziness carry on happening outside you (it's going to anyway) while you detach emotionally. You are not responsible for B's behaviour, you can't do anything to change it, and it's not your job to protect her from it. You can judge the hell out of her if you want, just don't bring that to your interactions with her. Think of her as a client or a patient. Lots of 'yeah, OK' and 'that must be hard for you', but your actual feelings stay with the people who are able to reciprocate them.

Hang on, I believe I mention in my initial post that I was the only one who knew outside of my sister and her husband at that point. Nobody saw me struggle during Christmas week because I masked my absolute arse off while people were around. When it got too much, I told my husband what was happening because the weight of the secret that she made me keep was upsetting me so much.

I’m not pushing my way in, I’ve only ever just been there when she needs me.

As an eldest daughter I totally understand why you feel you need to be so involved in your sister’s life. Everyone has always leaned on you and you don’t know any different than to sort everyone else’s problems.

My advice is that you should free yourself from the enmeshment and enjoy your life.

I have a similar situation. I would be so much happier if I could take the advice I have just doled out to you.

I work in mental health and it means I get taken advantage of sometimes because I’m kind and want to help.

As part of working in mental health you've surely learnt skills to compartmentalize and put boundaries in place? You need to apply these skills to your sister.

You aren't being taken advantage of because you work in mental health. You are being taken advantage of because you are letting people (your sister!) take advantage. Even if you didn't work in mental health she'd likely be coming to you because you are letting her off load and she cares more about getting that relief for herself than she does about you having a happy life. Tell her no.

Totally get what you’re saying though. She needs to maybe see the consequences of her actions and stop trying to filter it through me or others.

And then your parents went straight into “How could you put all this on your poor sister?” Did they even ask if B was alright, given her marriage has broken down? Or was it all about your stress?

I wouldn't normally suggest this but, as he appears to be supportive, is there anything your husband can do to support you put some stronger boundaries in place whilst you rebalance your feelings here? Maybe he can pick up the phone to your sister and mum and say you are relaxing in a bath and then 'forget' to give you the message? Or say you are dealing with the kids when they pop around? It's probably not a long term plan but I know I would do this for my husband if required. Sometimes it's easier for someone outside the immediate family to be the bad guy (not that I think you are bad at all - you are actually too good!) but I can see how your family might interprete your separation as making you bad in some way.

Having boundaries and contracting with a stranger is an essential skill but maybe easier when you don’t know the person and you’re going into the relationship with those boundaries already in place. Appreciate what you’re saying though. I’m a bit of a doormat :(

I have a lot of time for her but I can’t enable her behaviour like when we were teenagers and she needs to stop trying to make me.

And you need to stop letting her. Take some control over YOUR response.

100% this.

Not your drama. You can't control what she does and she may continue to make awful decisions but she is in her 30s and there is nothing you can do except not being dragged along with it.

I struggle to see how christmas was ruined. Many families have dramas but still enjoy christmas

It really doesn’t sound like she was responsible for your Christmas being ‘ruined’. When I saw the title, I’d assumed that she and husband were with you for Christmas, and the affair was exposed over Christmas dinner or something of that sort.