Partner lied to me about his best friend cheating

[Rubylu]

I’ve recently found out my partners bestfriend was having an affair on his girlfriend. I asked my partner multiple times if they had split up, he kept telling me he knew nothing (even though it was completely obvious).

I then got told from a friend that they’d split up because he’d cheated on her, I asked my partner again to which he said he still didn’t know anything about it and his best friend wasn’t telling him anything.

My partner has now since told me that he did know he was cheating for the months he was doing it, he didn’t tell me as his friend had asked him not to incase I messaged his girlfriend and told her what he was doing.

Their Relationship is NONE of my business. I am not angry that I didn’t know the details, I am angry that he has lied to me, to my face multiple times especially when I’ve asked him repeatedly. His argument is that he was trying to be a good friend and he isn’t a “gossip”. I told him a good friend shouldn’t come at the expense of lying to my face for months.

Once I knew they’d split up I was going to message the girlfriend and just say always here if you need a chat, we get on really well have been on holidays together etc, he steered me away from it saying it isn’t my business. He then admitted to me he told me to not to message her incase she told me that he’d knew all along…

I just feel like I can’t trust him now? I understand it’s his best friend but we have 2 kids together, if it’s that easy to lie to me, what else is he lying about? I trusted him wholeheartedly and this has really threw me off

I would not consider this lying. He was respecting a confidence for a very serious matter, and was probably stuck what to say to not betray that confidence when you kept prodding.

Someone who can respect others confidences is someone to value. Partners do not need to know everything about other peoples lives. There are lots of things that have taken place over the last 30+ years my dh does not know about some of my friends and family and he respects that some things I will not share. I am sure he holds some of his friend’s confidences too.

If he told you he knew but was sworn to secrecy it would have essentially told you the friend was having an affair. How did you expect him handle your prodding into something that was not your business without betraying a friend?

It you don’t want to put him in the position where he has to be economical with the truth then take the hint and don’t ask about things about other peoples lives you don’t need to know.

If a friend told me something in confidence, I wouldn't tell my dp.
Why did you keep asking him about it when he clearly didn't want to discuss it. Tbh I'd have told you to stay out of other peoples business the first time you asked.
Not everything has to be shared with a spouse/ partner when it's about somebody else's life.

Why are you prying? Why are you so nosy? It is none of your business, Why are you even asking if anyone is having an affair? Split up? If they want, they will tell you. Otherwise it is rude. Not everything is about you, lying to you, reporting everything to you, concealing things from you. How very intrusive.

I’m with you OP and surprised at some of the comments on here. He’s covering for a cheat and lying to you. I wouldn’t like it.

You're very clear the relationship was none of your business yet you proceeded to repeatedly interrogate your DP on it.

He was asked to keep a confidence which he honoured.

You then proceeded to involve yourself in the situation by messaging her even though you say you're not close. So not close enough for her to come to you with the information herself, but close enough for you to try and get the gossip from her even though your DP asked you not to involve yourself?

If you're asked to keep a confidence it shouldn't really matter what the content of that confidence is - you either keep it or you don't. That is part of being a good friend. You also don't know what conversations have occurred between the two of them regarding this situation - he could have told is friend to fess up.

He's honoured a confidence and, ultimately, it's not his information to tell to you or anyone else

Truthfully, from the way you hounded him for information and have since responded I can see why he didn't break the confidence of his friend.

Switch it up.

You've got a partner that demonstrates loyalty to friends and can keep his mouth shut.

He didn't tell you because it wasn't his secret. He lied to you because he had to, and you shouldn't have been repeatedly asking (get the hint!).

Not everything is about you.

Resurrected thread!

I found out 2 weeks after this post that my partner had also cheated on me… so clearly I was right to be suspicious of why he was lying :)

Is he now your ex partner @Rubylu ?

@ImmortalSnowman yes, I believe he avoided telling me as his friend also knew and if he knew he’d told me about his affair and I said something he’d be annoyed and tell me about my ex cheating, he was doing it to save himself

Sounds like your bullshit meter is working very well.

I'm sorry he did this. How are you holding up?

Hope you are doing ok @Rubylu ? What a horrible thing to find out and what a snake he has proved to be. How did you find out? Hopefully you have moved on
Both of them thought they were being smart and are probably commiserating with each other. Not so clever now!