Partner lied to me about his best friend cheating

[Rubylu]

I’ve recently found out my partners bestfriend was having an affair on his girlfriend. I asked my partner multiple times if they had split up, he kept telling me he knew nothing (even though it was completely obvious).

I then got told from a friend that they’d split up because he’d cheated on her, I asked my partner again to which he said he still didn’t know anything about it and his best friend wasn’t telling him anything.

My partner has now since told me that he did know he was cheating for the months he was doing it, he didn’t tell me as his friend had asked him not to incase I messaged his girlfriend and told her what he was doing.

Their Relationship is NONE of my business. I am not angry that I didn’t know the details, I am angry that he has lied to me, to my face multiple times especially when I’ve asked him repeatedly. His argument is that he was trying to be a good friend and he isn’t a “gossip”. I told him a good friend shouldn’t come at the expense of lying to my face for months.

Once I knew they’d split up I was going to message the girlfriend and just say always here if you need a chat, we get on really well have been on holidays together etc, he steered me away from it saying it isn’t my business. He then admitted to me he told me to not to message her incase she told me that he’d knew all along…

I just feel like I can’t trust him now? I understand it’s his best friend but we have 2 kids together, if it’s that easy to lie to me, what else is he lying about? I trusted him wholeheartedly and this has really threw me off

I'm puzzled by some of the responses. @Rubylu is upset by the repeated lying by her partner. In addition his continued and ongoing support for his friend.

Despite others being aware of the affair and the split, her partner continued to lie and deny. I don't think it's gossipy to ask your partner for clarification if others are telling you the friend has had an affair and split with his partner. It's communication.

@Rubylu you did the right thing by reaching out to the partner. How many women have come on here in total shock that they have discovered their partners affair? They then find out that others in their circle knew and kept quiet.

Supporting an abuser is never a good look. You are right to question your partner's behaviour. What is the status of his relationship with said friend now?

He shouldn’t have stopped you messaging her, but he is allowed to keep a friends confidence without being deemed untrustworthy.

Your partner promised his friend he wouldn't tell you and he didn't. You sound like you might be the type to tell her as you even say yourself that you might be 'too honest' and you also messaged her when he asked you not to. His actions do suggest that he doesn't think you are discreet or trustworthy.

If my husband kept on asking me the contents of personal conversations with my BF of 40 years, he would be told to mind his beeswax.

If my husband repeatedly badgered me about it, he would be told to fuck off.

So when women want gossip it is now called 'communication'

It was about keeping his friends confidence, not about you and lying to you. Chances are if he’d said he knew what was going on but couldn’t tell you, you’d have been mad that he didn’t trust you to keep it secret.

I get that you are annoyed with your partner for " lying " . But why put in caps that it is NONE of your business when you have been repeatedly asking him ?

Honestly , I think you are making a big thing of it . Try to see it as him protecting his friend .
I do feel sorry for the girlfriend and he obviously is not a nice man to be in a relationship with but as you say , it's not your business .

If my best friend asked me not to tell people something then I wouldn't tell anyone. Including my husband.

Why would she want to chat with you though?

You've said you're not close, doesn't even sound like you're friends, and her pig of an ex is bezzie mates with your partner?. Obviously she won't want anything to do with you. I don't feel like this is genuine concern at all. From an outsider (and likely to her) it absolutely looks like you're fishing for gossip especially to take it back to the ex, or, you're trying way to hard to look innocent and that you didn't know what awful things your partner's BF was getting up to.

It's literally none of your business.

We’ve been on holiday together, I went to school with her and have known her 15+ years, just because she isn’t in my close friendship circle ( only about 3 people are) doesn’t mean that I don’t consider her a friend, and offering support to her seemed like the right thing to do.

I certainly wouldn’t be sending any information back to her ex, the man is a pig.

I suppose everyone is different, my bestfriend knows that if she tells me something I won’t tell anyone, but she knows I’ll tell my partner and same with her, when I told her I was pregnant I told her not to tell anyone, I knew full well she would tell her husband.

As you say 'Their Relationship is NONE of my business'.

So it's not something for you to be angry about him witholding from you. You didn't need to know.

I wouldn't necessarily tell my partner the ins and outs and fidelity levels of my friend's relationship.

Would you like your friends husbands knowing everything about your marriage? If you told them something in confidence?

Don’t make their split about you 🤷‍♀️

When my ex-H was cheating on me and found out by the silly woman’s partner, he confided in his ex-best friend. Said ex-BF didn’t say anything, not even to his wife because he didn’t want to know as he was disgusted by him. Men are less emotionally involved in things so your partner may be trying to just not get involved. It’s not his fault.

I think this is where I am on this

if you’d come on here saying your friend has asked you to keep something in confidence and you’d had to lie to your husband to do that I think you’d be pretty supported.

That's your take from someone who consistently lied to his partner? Interesting that he defended his lies by saying he didn't want to be a gossip, something other posters have repeated when referring to @Rubylu .
She stated clearly that the relationship is none of her business but that her partner lying to her is an issue, rightly so.
Too many defending his lying and denial while piling on @Rubylu . She is hurt at the behaviour of her partner, the lack of respect for her, the dismissal of her concern by turning it back on her inferring she would gossip (no indication she would have), the trust he has broken by putting his friend ahead of his partner jeopardising his relationship all because his untrustworthy friend couldn't be a decent human being.
He has put his 'good friend' ahead of his partner.
Abusive behaviour.

I know there’s a low bar on mumsnet for calling men abusive but really?

A confidence is a confidence and if she’s not that good a friend to you ( your words ) why would you care ? The fact that you kept asking him seems you were just being nosy . Your DH was put in a tricky position so why make it worse ?

To be honest from your reaction I doubt you’d have behaved well so I can’t blame him for not telling you.

He could have just said he was aware of the circumstances but his friend had asked him not to speak to anyone about it so he was respecting his friends wishes.
It’s a horrible position for your partner or anyone to be in so perhaps you can cut him some slack on this one .

Seriously?
Lying continuously over many months?
Bring deceptive over many months?
Dismissing her concerns and trying to deflect?
Disrespecting your partner over many months?
Then when the truth is finally exposed, admitting the lies etc and dismissing it as not wanting to be a gossip. Certainly a low bar.

@Rubylu hope you are ok. You have a lot to unravel and as you've previously stated your trust and belief in your partner has been severely tested. Good luck.

Basically he kept something he was told in confidence to himself

some of the stuff I’ve told a friend I’d be fuming if they shared it with there partner and never see them in the same light or possibly end the friendship

Would you tell your Husband if one of your friends, who was seeing one of his friends was cheating? Your husband was doing what he thought was best & didn't want to break his friends trust. I can understand how you feel but try being in his shoes. Keep his friends secret & not tell you, he doesn't lose out on anything or risk the secret getting out & he gets blamed & he loses his friend. Not everything has to be shared with your partner if it doesn't impact your relationship & as long as your husband isn't aiding the affair by giving his mate alibi's it's really nothing for him to be involved in or for him to discuss with anyone.

I don’t think any of it was bad up to the point he told you not to message her support after the breakup to protect himself. That was a dick move.

She's the girlfriend of your partners best friend. His allegiance is to his friend. It really is none of your business and you getting involved could put a strain on your relationship. Keeping in touch with the now ex-girlfriend of your partner's best friend is probably also not a good idea. He lied but just said he didn't know, I suspect he really didn't want to know what was happening and telling you could just cause more stress.