Partner lied to me about his best friend cheating

[Rubylu]

I’ve recently found out my partners bestfriend was having an affair on his girlfriend. I asked my partner multiple times if they had split up, he kept telling me he knew nothing (even though it was completely obvious).

I then got told from a friend that they’d split up because he’d cheated on her, I asked my partner again to which he said he still didn’t know anything about it and his best friend wasn’t telling him anything.

My partner has now since told me that he did know he was cheating for the months he was doing it, he didn’t tell me as his friend had asked him not to incase I messaged his girlfriend and told her what he was doing.

Their Relationship is NONE of my business. I am not angry that I didn’t know the details, I am angry that he has lied to me, to my face multiple times especially when I’ve asked him repeatedly. His argument is that he was trying to be a good friend and he isn’t a “gossip”. I told him a good friend shouldn’t come at the expense of lying to my face for months.

Once I knew they’d split up I was going to message the girlfriend and just say always here if you need a chat, we get on really well have been on holidays together etc, he steered me away from it saying it isn’t my business. He then admitted to me he told me to not to message her incase she told me that he’d knew all along…

I just feel like I can’t trust him now? I understand it’s his best friend but we have 2 kids together, if it’s that easy to lie to me, what else is he lying about? I trusted him wholeheartedly and this has really threw me off

Then imo you should have messaged her and asked if she was alright.

If you aren't close enough to ask then I don't know why you needed to know, like needed to know to ask multiple times.

He didn't want to tell you what his friend had told him. So what?

Are you telling me.if your friend told you something in confidence that you'd tell your boyfriend?

exactly this, if he had told you, that wouldnt have been the end of it, you would have wanted to know details, who it was with? is he going to tell his gf? are they going to break up? etc

Yanbu
He lied to your face.
His loyalty lies with his best friend. I would be very miffed he didn’t trust you.
I would message the exGF and see how she is.

It sounds like your partner lied to you because he knows what you’re like for gossiping! There’s no way you’d have been able to resist saying something to other gossips who asked you about it. It’s none of your business and it wasn’t your partner’s news to share.

@SugarCoatSandwich @NotnowMildrid

I have messaged her against partners wishes a few weeks ago and just said that I hope she’s ok and always here if she needs a chat. I told him I messaged her which is when he told me everything.

Why would you be so concerned it’s nothing to do with you and it’s a bit of a shitty situation to put your partner in. Do you share everything with him? You are making this about you

What DP should have done is be absolutely clear with friend that he wouldnt lie FOR THEM. He wouldnt tell if not asked, but he wouldnt lie if asked.

"Their Relationship is NONE of my business."
And then, literally, right after that:
"I am not angry that I didn’t know the details, I am angry that he has lied to me, to my face multiple times especially when I’ve asked him repeatedly."

You are utterly gossipy and I can see why your partner would not trust someone like you. She is not your friend. He is your partner's best friend. Stay away from it and keep you mouth shut instead of behaving like a petulant busybody.

It’s a tricky one as if my best friend confided something in me I wouldn’t break that trust even if my husband asked me. Ultimately it had sod all to do with you. I hate cheats but I’d be lying if I said I’d turn my back on a good friend for this. You can say your piece about it and also still be a good friend to them without agreeing with their behaviour.

So you messaged her to get the gossip after you knew they'd split up? No wonder he didn't tell you. It is none of your business. You are making it about you now.

No, their relationship wasn't the Op's business. What is her business is that she now knows her DH is willing to lie to her face repeatedly, he only told the truth when he thought he about to found out. In her place that would shake my trust a bit, finding out your DH is a good liar isn't a happy thing

As it was none of your business you didnt need to interrogate him, if someome did rhat to me i may lie to stop someone interfering in what is nothing to do with them

I didn’t once ask her what happened, I said I hope she’s ok and was there if she needed a chat, to which she replied saying she appreciated it and she hopes we’re all ok. I’ve been through a nasty break up and when people who you thought were a friend don’t check up on you it’s pretty shitty. I couldn’t care less what is going on in their lives, I care about the fact my partner was lying to my face, maybe I’m too honest but I’d personally never do that and I expect the same back

He had no need to tell you. It wasn’t your business, or his to share! You the messaged her anyway so he was right to not tell you

Christ! That's a bit pompous !!

i wouldn’t of told you don’t see the point of dragging people into other peoples shit

theres absolutely no purpose or reason Op needed to know

A good friend never repeats something they have been told in confidence. Not even to a partner or spouse.

Your husband is a good friend.

This has sweet FA to do with you so butt out.

Pompous? Please explain.

He lied to OP. He condoned his friends cheating. So he can't be trusted. Pretty straightforward.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was friends with a cheating dickhead who bragged about it. You are the company you keep. Obviously your partner has some questionable morals himself. It is called human decency to not sit by idle and watch someone hurt someone else. I am so sick of the it's not your business brigade. No wonder there are so many cheating threads. Women aren't even standing up for each other because they are all not my business but I so want to read every cheating post on MN to give my view. Hypocritical at best 🙄

Erm on this occasion I agree not everything needs to be shared since it was none of your or his business tbh

She's not a close friend. You found out about the split from a friend, not from her. She's not your friend. You messaging her was completely for the gossip even after your partner asked you to stay the hell out of it.

Own your crap. Your partner doesn't trust you not to stick your nose in and he is right. That is exactly why you messged this woman that isn't a close friend. His best mate's drama isn't his to tell and it's definitely not yours to make about you.

Bros before hoes

So you found out from several other people about the affair / split, told him you knew as xyz had told you and he still CONTINUED to lie even after that? Is that right? Or did he come clean as soon as he knew you knew?

I think it's unreasonable to ask your partner to share everything with you, including what he discusses with his friends. I would not consider my partner a liar for not telling me one of his friends is cheating. We’re not the moral police and it’s not our business.

It’s reasonable not to mention it but to lie to your face is wrong. Thats the key issue here. His primary loyalty should be to you.