To resent DH for his lie ins?

[Onlycoffee4]

DH starts work at 4pm as he works as a chef. I’m a SAHM I guess, as I’m home educating as my little girl is autistic and finds mainstream school too overwhelming. We also have a 6 year old who’s special needs, I get up and ready and to school in the mornings and I pick him up in the afternoon.

DH is regularly still in bed at 12.30pm after playing games until 3-4am or watching YouTube videos. He doesn’t see a problem with this is I don’t ask him for any help if he’s awake anyway as we’ve made our own routine without him, but I can’t help but resent him. He says it’s the only time he gets for ‘chill time’ after work.

When do you get chill time?
Do you get an equal amount?

What time does he finish work? How many hours sleep does he get?

It doesn't sound inherently unreasonable as he should get a bit of time to himself between work and sleep, but as PP said...do you get an equivalent amount of time? And if not, what could he do, given his unusual hours?

When does he parent his children?
He is a selfish twat

Jesus wept he works in the evening

The gaming needs to stop. Lie ins when he works nights are not unreasonable, though.

How many hours is he doing paid work including commuting if relevant?
How many hours does he do unpaid work (childcare, housework, making your lives function)?
How many hours are you doing unpaid work (as above)?

This is the bucket of "work" which should be equally distributed.

Leftover time -- you decide how much should be couple time, together hanging with family time, together friends time, together hobby time: everything else is up to the individual.

All in negotiation.

Alternatively, figure out how much are you are doing and work out how much it would cost to outsource it (child care, cleaning, laundry, education).

Mostly though you both need to be talking about this and starting on the assumption that you have shared values about how much effort needs to go into the family unit.

Sorry, @12345onceIcaughta , not sure how I quoted you there!

If he starts work at 4pm then I'm assuming he doesn't finish til gone 11pm?

So it's the same as you watching a couple of hours TV once the kids are in bed, I guess.

If it’s for the same amount of time as you’d watch tv or read then why does it need to stop? It’s about whether they both parent equally and have equal down time, not how they choose to spend that down time.

What time does he finish work? My ex was a chef and didn’t get home until roughly 1am and obviously needed to unwind like anyone after work so 12.30 would have been ‘sleeping’ not ‘lying in’

I don’t get chill time. I wake up, and get the kids up. At night I settle the kids and I go to bed, my daughter doesn’t sleep well. I guess it’s the fact he has all day to chill that makes me resent him.

Schedule your ‘gaming time’ and handover the kids to him

If you think the lie ins are fair why does he need to stop gaming? Nobody else is awake when he’s gaming

Do you get an evening?

What could he do? Help with the homeschooling or do housework between waking and going to work?

12.30pm doesn't seem an unreasonable time to get up if he works from 4 until 11 or so (I assume) and like you, he deserves some downtime. But yes, he should do what he can within the hours he's able.

Presumably he pays for the whole show and for you to stay at home and look after your DCs so I wouldn’t be too quick to downplay his contribution. Unless of course you’re claiming benefits as a single parent?

What hours does he work? What time does he get home? How many days does he work? What does he do between 12:30 and 4?
DH also a chef, although our dc are older. What I didn’t get was any help in the evenings. What I did get was help during the night when the dc were babies, and “family time” late morning until work. It worked for us but he 100% did not and does not speed home from work and go to sleep. Most people have down time after work.

Well there you go then op, of course it’s unfair and I’m not sure how anyone could argue otherwise or why you don’t respond that you don’t get any chill time at all when he mentions it.

its fairly simple. Equal chill time. Take the number of hours you have available to chill between the 2 of you and divide by half.

@THisbackwithavengeance I don’t claim
as I single parent but we do get UC top up as his wage isn’t the best and obviously me having caring duties, I claim carers

What time does he get home?

12.30 lie in isn't unreasonable for someone who finishes work late and gets home later. And it's not easy to jump straight into bed and sleep straightaway.

Is there anything he could be getting on with quietly that would make life easier for you during the day? Like some cleaning, food prep, ironing etc before he is ready to sleep. It wouldn't take long and he could still play his games.

Is he useful between 12.30 and 4pm?

He needs to do what he can when he can to make it easier for you to have some downtime too.

A couple of hours to unwind after work isn’t unreasonable, but obviously will apply to both of you.

for you both logistically, the sensible approach would be that he took over for a few hours of whatever you usually do between 12.30-3 ish.

you take your chill time then.

if you think this isn’t an option for you, then you both need to have a think about what has happened in both your lives to date to result in you both thinking his downtime is more important than yours.

also if his wage isn’t the best, what career did you have before dc op? Would it be worth switching roles?

There’s a fair bit of detail missing but over the years I’ve worked various shifts and when finishing in the early hours I couldn’t come in and go straight to bed always needed an hour or so to settle before going to bed

Just to clarify - I meant in the afternoon he should take over! Not whilst everyone is asleep!