To resent DH for his lie ins?

[Onlycoffee4]

DH starts work at 4pm as he works as a chef. I’m a SAHM I guess, as I’m home educating as my little girl is autistic and finds mainstream school too overwhelming. We also have a 6 year old who’s special needs, I get up and ready and to school in the mornings and I pick him up in the afternoon.

DH is regularly still in bed at 12.30pm after playing games until 3-4am or watching YouTube videos. He doesn’t see a problem with this is I don’t ask him for any help if he’s awake anyway as we’ve made our own routine without him, but I can’t help but resent him. He says it’s the only time he gets for ‘chill time’ after work.

I'd take some time to think about getting the children into school actually. That way you can get a bit of a break and also start to think about being able to work again.

What does he do between waking up and leaving for work? That Seems to be the time when he could help? I don't think it's unreasonable for him to wind down for a couple of hours once he gets home from work.

Hi Op, would be good to know what days off he has and what he does with his time away from work? If gaming and not looking after the kids when he’s not working he is being selfish

What time does he actually wake up, and how many hours does he sleep?
Being asleep at 12 when you do nights it's not unreasonable or chilling, neither is having 1 hour or so at home when you come back from work.

It's impossible for most people to just walk in, shower, go to bed and sleep unless they are seriously sleep deprived.

But if he leaves at 4, he should get up at 2:30 and spend 1 hour with his kids - even if there can't be much time for the one who is at school

Tell him. I don;t understand these posts. No need to build up resentment or row, Just gently say: Love, I know you work lates and need a lie in, but the truth is, I don;t ever get the chance these days to unwind by watching TV or playing video games. I'm either caring for the kids or asleep and it's making me feel resentful of you. You deserve down time but so do I and I'd be so much happier if it was fairly shared out.

Then ask to sit down with him with schedules and work out when down time is possible and share it equally between you, as well as getting him to do some of the active parenting of his children.

I realise he's a chef and a not a worker on nights shifts, but sleeping later because you go to bed later is not "a lie in", it's just sleep! Depends what time he makes it home, and how many hours he has.

If he comes back at midnight, yes, he's taking the piss.

How about on his days off? Surely he doesn’t work 7 days a week. Or does he believe he needs his days off to himself?

They’re not lie ins. I put that badly. It’s sleeping the requisite hours after working nights.

The phrase you should use is “pays to look after his children “ they are not just hers. She isn’t some kind of parasite or charity case.

That doesn’t answer the question about why he needs to stop gaming…

He’s home at around 10pm, he works extra hours on weekends.

He’ll do the dishes and take the bin out.

Because if he wasn’t gaming for several hours before sleeping, he wouldn’t need to sleep until 12.30pm?

Our son works shifts in hospitality atm. Sometimes doesn’t finish until 2am. If he gets to bed when he gets back to his house, he can get his 8 hours and be up at 10.30.

Those gaming hours could be used to help OP. It’s nice to have downtime but when you have a challenging home life, you can’t expect it every day.

I'm not sure why he needs to stay in bed so late. My DH used to do 4pm until 11pm (I admit he wasn't a chef) and he'd be up in time to do the school run at 8:30.
I would get the kids ready so he had a bit longer in bed as he usually had an hour and a half or so of chill out time after work but I wouldn't have accepted him not doing anything. He would also resettle the kids if they woke up after he got home, which wasn't often but helped.
He does need to step up. He can't just work and sleep/stay in bed, that's incredibly unfair. If his wages aren't very good why isn't he looking for something better? Is it because he doesn't want to spend time as a father?
I don't know what you can do other than talk to him. You could try telling him he had to get up on a weekend or days when your routine isn't so strict but will he do it?

So he works pretty much the exact same times as school age kids are at home….?!?
for a low salary, so he could do any job with more family friendly work hours???
why did he have kids? What value does he add to your family op?

he's home at 10pm? 😂😂

Yes, he's completely taking the piss. (unlike MN where everybody is home at 4pm because they need 2 adults to deal with "evenings), 10pm is the time many people come home regularly - working late, going to the gym etc..

Fair enough he doesn't get up at 6am, but he's got 0 excuse for gaming all night and staying in bed until midday.

2 or 3 mornings a week, possibly, to compensate for the weekends where he works more - everyone needs a break, but he needs to step up.

He would be exactly the same if he was doing a 9 to 5, 4 to 10pm is not an excuse whatsoever.

So his only contribution to his family, is working, and then washing up and taking the bins out maybe twice a week? Does he think thats a fair contribution?

is that even for real?

Leaving alone the house chores, what time does he spend with HIS kids and what time off do YOU have?

I work for the nhs 7pm- 7.30am child sleeps at my parents. I have breakfast with him and take him to school. Sleep 9.30- 2.30ish collect him from school. Have quality time, eat etc then i head to work. Your husband should really be going to sleep as soon as hes in, th. en be up during the day with his family. Once he starts waking up at 8 am. He will start to be tired when he gets in from work and be tired ready for bed. I survive on 5hrs and have to do everything else around the house. It is doable.

Thank you all for your opinions. He won’t look for another job as he’s been there 11 year and gets on well with his boss, who’ll work the rota around his needs to get certain times off for children’s appointments etc.

So he could be in bed by 11-11.30pm and up with the kids to "help" from 7am and then chill for the day when they're in school?

He just doesn't want to. Because he wants to play his video games until 4am.

I think the bigger question is why you need to ask strangers op if it’s ok/understandable resentment that one parent gets 10 hours to themselves every day (24 - 8 sleep - 6 work) whilst the other parent gets 0.

I have now selected YABU as it’s unclear why you are putting up with this.

Him being there 11 years and getting on with his boss is not a good enough reason. How often does he really need time off for appointments etc if he doesn't start work until 4 and you are at home.
The whole reason I became a SAHM was so I could do appointments and things like that without DH having to take time off.

He gets home at 10pm and lies in bed til lunchtime?

Do you lie in bed til lunchtime if you've been to the gym until 10pm?

Thought not. He's taking the piss, but you know that already. Sit down and look at how you both spend a week. How much down time you both get. Adjust things so it's fairer. It's possible he just hasn't realised (even this is a stretch) but if he won't then he doesn't care and he's very happy with the status quo, and you being his mug.

As someone else said, I'd look at getting back into an earning role asap.