To resent DH for his lie ins?

[Onlycoffee4]

DH starts work at 4pm as he works as a chef. I’m a SAHM I guess, as I’m home educating as my little girl is autistic and finds mainstream school too overwhelming. We also have a 6 year old who’s special needs, I get up and ready and to school in the mornings and I pick him up in the afternoon.

DH is regularly still in bed at 12.30pm after playing games until 3-4am or watching YouTube videos. He doesn’t see a problem with this is I don’t ask him for any help if he’s awake anyway as we’ve made our own routine without him, but I can’t help but resent him. He says it’s the only time he gets for ‘chill time’ after work.

If he finishes at 10 he could be asleep by midnight up by 9. He’s a lazy sod. Does your child go to bed late , why do you go to bed at the same time?

Do you go to bed 1 hour after getting in from work? I don't know anyone who does so find it odd that someone would think that a reasonable suggestion.

When I've worked late I've needed a step-down activity before bed. Depending on his commute home, he may need some extra time, but it sounds excessive and like he needs to do part of the day work too so that you have some time.

So he make himself available for these things and does nothing else?

Totally besides the point but what chef works from 4pm and is home by 10pm?! My husband is an executive chef and works 10 hr days min.

If finish work late I don’t get to bed sometimes till 1/2

you need to decompress. Sort yourself out eat etc and I usually end up needing extra sleep the next day too.

but I will say working 6 hours a day and not doing anything supplementary is stupid. That is not sustainable with 2 children and an unemployed partner.

he should be doing the majority of parenting on the weekends however.

Being a chef is brutal though. Unless it’s a microwave type of chef?

If I had two small children and a partner who was doing all of the leg work then yes, I would. Because he can then chill out the following day before he goes to work.

He is staying up until 4am, waking up once the kids are in school / being home-schooled and then going to work before they finish / get home. Conveniently avoiding ALL childcare.

This. He's literally working for 5 - 5.5 hours. And needs to "decompress" for 6 hours when he gets in? And then lie in until lunchtime?

So that's a no, you dont, then?
People need time to decompress when they get home from work, not just shovel in dinner and go to bed.

I think what i would suggest to him would be he does some of the more quiet chores when he's gets home i.e. ironing, folding laundry, food prep for next nights dinner etc. Goes to bed about 1 gets up and ready by 10 and then either does some homeschooling or some other job that needs doing.

😂No I don't go to bed one hour after getting in from work. However I also don't lie about playing computer games for 4 hours before work!

I’ll wager this guy is a chef in the same way that males who clean windows are ‘CEO of own business’ . Women would call it ‘being a part time pot washer.’

Why denigrate the working man? Based on seemingly nothing.

it isn’t based on nothing.

it’s based on the facts the op has given us.

which are that they have 2 children with special needs, one which she homeschools, one who keeps her up at night so she never gets a full sleep.
that he gets 10 hours a day downtime whilst she gets 0.
that this is a low wage job with hours which aren’t compatible with what an actual chef does.
that he won’t change his job to help her even though she’s on her knees with exhaustion

so, the denigration is because I am absolutely fed up of hearing about these selfish lazy men who become parents and then do zero parenting.

No it's because this man who is allegedly too tired to look after his children because of his job is working maximum 5.5 hours a day which is not in line with what most actual chefs would even class as half a days work and certainly not exhausting or debilitating enough that he can't contribute to childcare when he's at home. Even if it's getting up at 7am for a couple of hours to sort the kids and then going back to bed.

The reason he isn't looking after his children is nothing to do with his job, it's because he's up gaming until 4am and staying in bed until lunchtime.

he’s had the job the entire time OP has been with him and she’s had two kids with him.

it’s not exactly a surprise is it.

Jesus christ, over nothing? Try reading the thread, or are you seriously defending a man who works 5 hours a day and does fuck all parenting and housework whilst his wife is on her knees?

This set up is unsustainable. His working hours do not suit your family life.

So … you are in bed for 12 hours. Or you are furiously intensely working with the kids from 6am to 8pm or thereabouts working. Kids have no chill time?

I work 4-midnight or 5-1 and I am up to do the school run every day.

And yes I do go straight to sleep when I finish work because I get up about 6:30! I used to be one of those people who ‘couldn’t’ go straight to sleep, but turns out that was just because I didn’t have to get up early every day.

I bet his pattern would change if he actually had to get up at 6:30/7 every day.

You've misunderstood my post. I was responding to somebody who was describing him as having a shit job anyway, which I think is a rotten thing to say.

No broader point about the OP's circumstances was intended

YABU.
He works later on, his salary keeps four people, two with additional needs warm, fed and clothed.
Swap with him, if you think this is unfair. x

His salary plus universal credit and the OP’s contribution to the family is just as important as her DH’s.