To want to change my children’s surname?

[VP2024]

For context, my children are 8 and 2, I split up with my children’s father, we were never married. It has been extremely rocky and stressful as he has prioritised his new life with her, instead of being consistently there for the children.

There was a conversation where he hinted marriage might be on the cards - it was brought up because my eldest apparently asked him if he would marry his new girlfriend.

Anyway, it got me thinking, it would make me feel really uncomfortable that maybe in the future, his new partner and him would share the same surname as my children, but I wouldn’t.

I want to approach him about changing their surnames to mine or potentially double barelled but they have quite long names already. My preference would be that they had mine as I am the primary carer (he literally sees them a couple of times a month for the day if that).

AIBU?

I think he would be extremely unlikely to agree to changing their surnames to just yours. Double barrelling is probably your best chance.

He will likely say no if he's a typical man with sense of entitlement and fragile ego. You can go to court and they may agree change it to double barrelled.

When my husband's parents split up he was 8 and was really eager to keep the name he was given at birth. It is a name that means something - think Dolphin, but not that - he loved it and he felt it was 'his'. Especially important at a time of upheaval.

It caused a lot of bad feeling with his mother but even now, all these years later he is adamant it was important to him.

Perhaps not the case with your child, but I thought I would mention it.

If he refuses, change yours to his. That'll piss him and his new wife off, probably, but oh well.

Yanbu. But I expect he'll be an asshole about it and say no. And the patriarchal legal system means you can't change it, or even double barrel it officially.

I added my surname to my kids name for school and clubs. Their passports has their dads surname on it but I was able to apply for it without his knowledge.

Your 8-year-old is old enough that they are probably pretty attached to their name already. Changing it risks being unsettling.

Having their father's surname gives the children a link to the paternal side of the family.

I wouldn't seek a name change in your circumstances. If you do, I'd ask your ex about changing it to a double-barrelled one. I can't imagine either your ex or your older child would be thrilled about dropping Dad's surname entirely.

My husband's first wife kept her married name after their divorce. I never changed my name after marriage because I was already well-established in my profession under my maiden name. So my children have a different surname from me. The children aren't bothered in the slightest and if anything they're impressed that I have a different name, as it's quite unusual for mums at their school not to change their name on marriage.

Would you consider changing your surname to that of your children?

I think you're forgetting the most important thing here. This name is your child's name and whilst it might frustrate you in future you shouldn't make such a drastic change based on your emotions. Especially important when they've already been through the upheaval involved in parents splitting up, moving homes and having the addition of potential new step parents.

You could change your name to theirs if it is that important to you to have the same name. It wouldn’t be fair to change theirs, especially for the 8yo.

The children are too old for a name change just to make you feel more comfortable about the new girlfriend. They have had enough disruption with having a part time father.
Would you give them a say in the decision? I doubt your ex would agree.

It wasn’t important enough to you to have their name when they were born, so I would ask yourself why it’s so important now. And “I don’t like the fact that their dad’s new wife might have the same surname as them” isn’t really a valid reason.

It would be a lot easier to change your surname to match theirs. Obviously not great as you think your ex is a knob, but you know he's not going to agree to changing theirs, is he?

If he does marry, his wife may not change her name to his. Some women don't. You don't have any control over that, only over your own name.

I remember a kid at school whose surname was changed to match his mum's new husband. I was astonished as when my mum married again, she changed her name to Mr Wankstain's but left her children with their father's name. I am really glad she didn't change ours to be Wankstains as well, one of the few things she actually got right (can you tell how much I dislike my mother's second husband?)

I’ve changed my vote after reading this.

If you were happy enough with it at their birth then it should stay the same.

I do understand why you want to change it but if your sole motivation is because of your ex’s potential wife then it’s unfair on the kids.

I say this with kindness but you had kids with someone you weren’t married to and you also chose at their birth to give them his surname. Hindsight 20/20 and all that but what’s done is done.

I don’t think it’s fair to make an assumption that it didn’t matter enough to me. When my children were born, particularly my first, I was in love and I genuinely thought we would always be together and get married. It wasn’t a decision based on the norm of children having their father’s surname. Trust me, I only left when I had absolutely nothing left - it hasn’t been easy.

Your post talks about what you want but doesn't give any consideration to what your children want. How do they feel about their names being changed?

Yes absolutely, if it’s something I would discuss with the father I would also discuss with my 8yo and see how she felt about it and give it a good amount of time to see how she really felt about it. I would never do anything to make her upset or feel like I was cutting her dad out of her life, if that’s how it came across to her.

No, I wouldn’t.

At 8 and 12 it should definitely be their decision. I would only do it if they wanted to without any pushing from you.

One of my friends was told by her ex that she’d have to change her name back once they were divorced. She was happy to as long as he agreed the kids could change theirs as well. Obviously he sad no and he’s furious that she’s still Smith for example as is his new wife (they’ve also got a relatively common name anyway).

It wasn’t a decision based on the norm of children having their father’s surname.

Wasn't it? So why didn't they have your surname then? The 'thought we'd be together forever' bit makes no difference. Everyone thinks that.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time in the relationship but this aspect of things doesn't make sense.

Yabu

if you cared that much they’d have had your surname when born, as mine does. This is about a new girlfriend.

I understand why you want to do this but he probably won’t agree to it and he has to.

As at least one person has already suggested, would you consider changing your surname to theirs? No shade if you wouldn’t btw, I thought about it myself but ultimately chose not to as I wanted the same surname as my kids but didn’t want the same as my abusive ex.

I wonder if OP felt a bit forced into giving the children their father's name. They needed a family name. She could not register their births without one. Their father may have refused to agree to anything but his name. As they were not married, he had to be present when their births were registered in order for them to have a father's name entered on to the certificate. If they already have very long names she may have worried that a double barrelled name would cause them problems with form filling, and situations when they needed to use their whole registered name.

I consider my children in all of my decisions - if it was something I ended up deciding I’d want to discuss with their father, I would also do the same with my eldest (8yo) and make sure she had all the time she wanted to consider, I also wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want - however much it bothered me. My 2yo obviously is a different situation considering her age.