To want to change my children’s surname?

[VP2024]

For context, my children are 8 and 2, I split up with my children’s father, we were never married. It has been extremely rocky and stressful as he has prioritised his new life with her, instead of being consistently there for the children.

There was a conversation where he hinted marriage might be on the cards - it was brought up because my eldest apparently asked him if he would marry his new girlfriend.

Anyway, it got me thinking, it would make me feel really uncomfortable that maybe in the future, his new partner and him would share the same surname as my children, but I wouldn’t.

I want to approach him about changing their surnames to mine or potentially double barelled but they have quite long names already. My preference would be that they had mine as I am the primary carer (he literally sees them a couple of times a month for the day if that).

AIBU?

Having a name that is different than the one listed on your birth certificate adds complications. If an adult wants to deal with that hassle, that is their prerogative. A lifetime of dealing with the resulting problems is not something that should be imposed on children just because the parents are unhappy with their own life choices.

There's a boy in one of my DC's year at high school who has had two surname changes. He's 15 now! Really so unnecessary and effs up their identity. Think about that. Your name is what makes us who we are, part of our identity.

Yabu because you are wanting to change their name for a petty reason not because it would be genuinely in their best interests

Genuine non snarky question, but what complications would that cause for them as kids?

I’m guessing the first passport update post name change might be a trickier but curious as to what the aggro would be beyond that.

I am however of the mind that OP should just leave her kids names as they are though because in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Anyone that knows them will know the set up and know they’re not the new partners kids. Although a double barrel is a reasonable compromise.

I’m not sure if it is petty though.

They are with me 95% of the time (not through my lack of trying to make sure he has a relationship with them), he has openly admitted to prioritising her over his children and I think if he’s going to continue like this and not be a fully present co parent then why wouldn’t I want to have the same surname as my children? When I will be the one having sole care of them for the majority? Holidays, travel etc.

I understand the decision I made when they were born and yes maybe I was silly to have given them his surname when we weren’t married, but even if we were if the ending had been the same as it has been then really the situation isn’t any different.

I actually have a name different to that listed on my birth certificate, changed via deed poll. It hasn’t caused me any complications.

I’m not sure if it is petty though.

It is petty though. You're not doing it because you think it's in their best interests, you're doing it because you want to make a point to your ex.

I also question involving your child in this discussion she's obviously going to say what she thinks you want to hear because she's 8 and already knows you and daddy don't get on.

This is why traditionally children were given their mother’s name. I have no idea why so many unmarried women have started giving their kids the father’s name.

I’d definitely want my children to have my surname in some way or another. Could you give them your surname as a middle name, or double barrel your name?

She doesn’t know we don’t get on in the sense that I’ve never spoken negatively about him in front of her and I am always very positive about him even when he hasn’t deserved it.

Ive also never been negative about the new partner when she has come home from spending some time with them (he introduced them very quickly against my wishes).

I suppose she knows we don’t get on because we have obviously split up so I understand your point from that perspective.

I would definitely consider doing a double barrell. They both have two middle names already.

And if/when you remarry would you change it again or expect your new husband who may already have children with his name change to yours? Double-barrel sounds the most obvious choice irrespective of length.

It is mostly an issue if the person enters a career that requires background checks.

The issue is it has only been in recent years that children have been given their father's surname in your circumstances.

The norm was that children had their mother's surname.

I didn't change my name when I got married many years ago, DC have double barrelled names.

To you, that name is tgeir dad's name and his new wife soon (assuming she even wants to take his name). But to your kid, it is THEIR name, at least your eldest. It's their persona, who they are.

Unless they have no contact at all, changing their name only has the purpose to suit you.

My mum did exactly that when I was 6 or 7. I hated it and resented her for it. Thankfully, she didn't change it legally, so when I was 15, I owned it again and at 50, it is still my name. I didn't even take my husband name. My kids have their father's surname even though we separated when my eldest was 4yo. I don't see it at their dad's surname but their own.

I was in a similar situation @VP2024
DC had their Dads name as we planned to get married. It never happened. He left when they were 5 and 3. Never bothered me that we had different names though. Until he met his now wife and put his dick before his children. By 8 DS1 was asking to change his name. When their Dad married her they hated that she had the same name as them and I didn't. Not helped by school occasionally sending letters addressed to Mrs Theirname which were for me. I still didn't care, but they did.

They both changed their name as soon as they could do so without his permission (16)
I changed mine to match. We have a brand new, made up name and are the only 3 people in the world with it. Such fun!

OP, I really wouldn't suggest this to your eight-year-old. It's not fair. She's already dealing with her dad being quite uninterested in her, with possibly getting a stepmother. If you suggest changing her name, she may wonder if her dad is being taken away from her. Or she may just be unsettled - your name is part of your identity, after all. She also may not want questions from her classmates about why she's changed her name, and may worry that people will assume she changed her name because of problems between her and her dad. Your OP makes it clear you want her to change her name for your sake, not hers.

Until the kids mentioned the possibility of their dad marrying his partner it didn't bother you though?

And the way you call your ex partner 'her' that you don't have an amicable relationship

If they were both tiny, it would be different, but at 8, kids at school will notice and ask questions that your older DC might not anticipate or be emotionally ready to answer. If your ex will also be difficult, that's another emotional load; I don't think it would be worth it, TBH.

It’s not that it didn’t bother me - for a while I’ve thought about it, but it brought it to the surface again as there’s been alot of other stuff to deal with.

What am I meant to call him?

I have two children by two different fathers and we all have different surnames from each other. I have or had full custody of them both (eldest is 18yrs) which was awarded through the courts. Your story is literally a tale as old as time. For me I never needed to have the same name as them to feel like there mum, I am the main carer and have always been mum.
However I realised they both valued that link to there dads even if there Dads weren't amazing, keeping their names meant continuity for them and an open link.
Also I'm not bothered about who shares their names. My youngest shares the same name as his (other) half sister and her mum (expartners ex wife) and daughter shares the same name as her step mum but more importantly her granny, aunty and cousin. Its all fine. Incidently I share the same name as my niece who has my brothers name and not her mums, also a none issue.

The best time to give them your name would have been when they were born. But the next best time to do it is now. They are with you most of the time, you do most of the work in raising them, why wouldn’t you have the same name? But equally a total change may be a lot for the kids to cope with (definitely speak to them about it as a number of people I know as adults, who were raised by a single mother, wish that their mum had given them their surname). Double-barrelled sounds like the way to go.

I would go in to the approach with him saying that your preference is for them to have your name, but that you are prepared to compromise by double-barrelling them.

Interesting that they came to this decision! There’s so many factors to it.

that’s cool that you went with a whole new unique name ☺️

This.

Would you change your name if you married? I know someone who married Mr Smith and changed her name to his, had two DC Smiths. They divorced and she went on to have another DC with Mr Jones, they split up as well. She then persuaded Mr Jones to allow the child to change their name to Smith so DC had same name as her and her other DC. Guess what? She married again and now has a different name to all her DC and the 3rd DC has the name of a man he's never met!
Anyway, after all that I think you need to ask your DC but think very carefully about the possible consequences.