To want to change my children’s surname?

[VP2024]

For context, my children are 8 and 2, I split up with my children’s father, we were never married. It has been extremely rocky and stressful as he has prioritised his new life with her, instead of being consistently there for the children.

There was a conversation where he hinted marriage might be on the cards - it was brought up because my eldest apparently asked him if he would marry his new girlfriend.

Anyway, it got me thinking, it would make me feel really uncomfortable that maybe in the future, his new partner and him would share the same surname as my children, but I wouldn’t.

I want to approach him about changing their surnames to mine or potentially double barelled but they have quite long names already. My preference would be that they had mine as I am the primary carer (he literally sees them a couple of times a month for the day if that).

AIBU?

When dd was born me and her dad were only together 13 months. I have dd my name. When I had DS I gave him my name to match his DS. We got married a year later and all our names were changed to DH.

there is no way, if I had given them their dads name, on splitting I ould ever have changed their name to mines tho.

He either says yes or no. Simple.
My son's dad (my ex) moved out the country and never saw him again. I could actually change his name because we wernt married. No matter how much of a dickhead he was, I could never change his name fully. I went double barrel.

It’s your children’s name, it’s not yours to change.

I do everything for my child and get hardly any money for child from her dad. She's with me the vast majority of the time. And he's unreliable , could be better etc etc. But I wouldn't contemplate changing her surname to mine. I know she loves her dad and wishes she could be with him more and I know that see sees it as a link to him (and the name is just part of her as well).

Neither would I have wanted to change my surname when I was younger either

Not RTFT . This is why a baby should be registered with the mother's surname.
Your younger child is only 2 and her father has already brought a new woman into their life.
('Nanny with a fanny' no doubt)

my children changed surnames twice. Once double barrelled, once to solely my name. I asked if they would like to do the first one, they asked to do the second. Their dad happily agreed and he was far more involved than your ex. They have two deed polls and letters of permission signed by both parents and they've never had any problems at all.

This absolutely!

My parents changed my name before I knew anything about names and they did do the right thing by changing it, but my god is it a headache when dealing with bureaucracy!

You said you were never married. Is his name on their birth certificates? If it’s not you don’t need his permission. I spilt up my with children’s father 14 years ago. I kept his surname after we divorced because I wanted to keep the same name as my children, nothing to do with him, I kept it until I remarried. I never changed their names but 2 of the 3 have changed it themselves, the eldest changed theirs to my new husbands surname, by deed pole, as soon as she turned 16 and one of the others has recently changed theirs by deed pole too. The only reason the other one hasn’t is because she’s getting married so will be changing it anyway. I let mine make their own decisions regarding their father themselves, I never said a bad word about him in front of them. They saw him for what he was themselves and made their own decision that he’s not a nice person. I call him their father because that’s all he is. He’s never been a Dad. My husband has brought them up, with me for the past 11 years. He has been a great Dad to them and they call him Dad, by their own choice. They call their father by his name, also by their own choice

YANBU but good luck with that.

YANBU. I did similar, we were married though, but when he ended the marriage I didn't want his surname any more (I am a feminist but wanted shot of my maiden name anyway, had been meaning to change it since I was 16 but met resistance from my mother so didn't, but wish I had), but did want to have a shared surname with the children. They were five and ten at the time, I discussed it with them and they were happy to pick a new name - we chose a beautiful new surname with meaning. It has not been problematic for them. I have had some life admin to get through (banks, driving licence/GP/hospital/bills etc), but once that's sorted, it's no issue, especially once you have the passports. I have since been DBS approved, no dramas at all with checking my background. I even had a prior namechange for similar reasons when I was a baby, so I have actually had four names! We are several years on and both are happy they have a surname with me as well as their father. I also do most of the child-rearing, I do all the school admin and afterschool activities etc and it does feel easier for records with clubs and classes to easy reference that my surname at least in part matches theirs.
I can't even remember the last time I had to show anyone my birth certificate - probably the wedding. We three now have passports in our new names, and it's easy. Your main issue is getting him to agree. Mine did, I think he bore some guilt for cheating and splitting the family. Best of luck.

Edit to add, I have no plans to ever get married again, but if for some reason I did, I would keep my name now. I am too old for more kids, so that's not an issue for naming kids going forward.)

They are 8 and 2.

Yes, his name is on the birth certificates.

It seems a few people have shared that their children made a decision regarding changing their names once older, which is interesting.

Thank you for sharing - how was the discussion with them if you don’t mind me asking?

I divorced my husband when kids were 6 and 4. I wanted to revert back to my maiden name but didn’t want to have a different surname to my kids. My exh refused the change of names for the kids so I kept my married name. He now has an issue with MY name as his fiancé doesn’t like me having it!

It felt positive and empowering, and I believe it was the right thing to do. I believe they were both old enough to understand the reasons, and now they are older, they are still supportive of my reasoning. It felt like a nice thing to think of a new surname together too, for a fresh start. I made a shortlist which they were welcome to add to, we looked at name meanings and all agreed on one. I have no regrets (other than getting married, and changing my surname in the first place). I LOVE my/our new surname and it fits me better than any of the names I've had prior. I hope you can get it sorted with the ex.