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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL arriving this week, house a mess

77 replies

Janblues28 · 06/01/2026 18:59

We've been away for Christmas, got back Sunday and straight into work/school. MIL comes to stay at the end of the week. Normally we have a cleaner but she's not available. DH works part time - maybe does 2/3 hours work per day. I'm full time also do lions share of parenting DS (has ASD and im the preferred parent). DH has no plans to clean house, make the bed before his mum arrives. I'm so angry that he's a lazy a**hole but also don't feel i can leave it in a mess before she arrives. Ordinarily I'd clean up on the weekend. Do i leave it? I don't see why I should do it and realistically means I will be cleaning/organising 6pm to 10pm tomorrow night.

OP posts:
lifeisgoodrightnow · 07/01/2026 08:17

FleetwoodChanges · 07/01/2026 08:10

And how would he blame you for the mess? How exactly could he justify it?

Show quote history

Easily. In his head those jobs are op’s. My husband was the same ( no more - but it’s taken years) and he still is blind to window cleaning etc his mum encouraged it - not because of gender stereotypes in our case ( his mother made his dad do the housework) but to cause division and make his mum still feel wanted and special and me - his wife - inadequate compared to her.

sittingonabeach · 07/01/2026 08:17

@FleetwoodChanges because they both think it is woman’s work

Chasbots · 07/01/2026 08:18

Sorting a sink should be a blue job if she subscribes to this sort of rubbish but yes, weaponised incompetence. My mil looked at me whilst complaining about dust...

If he's generally useless, you'll be fine on your own. Even if he's ND, he can choose to learn & not just blame you. Cleaning isn't rocket science.

Chasbots · 07/01/2026 08:19

My mum was a far worse misogynist than my dad, who was just sexist.

She's still running around after a manchild, sees it as her purpose in life.

LilyBunch25 · 07/01/2026 08:21

Janblues28 · 06/01/2026 18:59

We've been away for Christmas, got back Sunday and straight into work/school. MIL comes to stay at the end of the week. Normally we have a cleaner but she's not available. DH works part time - maybe does 2/3 hours work per day. I'm full time also do lions share of parenting DS (has ASD and im the preferred parent). DH has no plans to clean house, make the bed before his mum arrives. I'm so angry that he's a lazy a**hole but also don't feel i can leave it in a mess before she arrives. Ordinarily I'd clean up on the weekend. Do i leave it? I don't see why I should do it and realistically means I will be cleaning/organising 6pm to 10pm tomorrow night.

Remind him where the hoover and cleaning materials are and tell him to crack on!

Dearg · 07/01/2026 08:34

Definitely hold on to that thought of divorce Op. If things are bad enough for you to think it, it’s probably been niggling at you, in the background , for a long time.

I think a night in a hotel is a good idea, especially if you know one where you will get a good sleep.

Also gives you time to think of your options.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/01/2026 08:36

Janblues28 · 07/01/2026 05:41

He has a full time job but in reality is only required to do a few hours work per day - no idea how he landed a cushy deal.

Think MIL is part of the problem as she waited on him hand and foot growing up so he's now like some sort of man child. We don't see eye to eye but are civil with each other and polite. But for example when she comes she might say "oh the sinks blocked, you need to fix it" but to me not DH, she doesn't think he should have to do it. She also refers to house jobs as blue jobs (for men) and pink jobs (for women) - alot of gender stereotyping from about 100 years ago........so i think it's how DH ended up like this.
I was a SAHM for a few years until recently so was less bothered by it as I had plenty of time and energy to do all the house work/childcare but now I seem to be doing that on top of a full time job. If I didn't do it then DH would be quite happy to live like a pig in his own ......... anyway you get the idea. He's definitely ND and has zero self awareness or empathy - no malice in it but he lives on another planet. If I ask him to do something I have to give a specific set of instructions and I'd have to ask him to do it each day, he wouldn't have the initiative to think to do something.

If I book into a hotel I can guarantee he will not clean anything and just tell his mum it's my fault.

Anyway I've been thinking about divorce for a while so I'm going to explore that option as I am completely exhausted.

Are you sure that he's really only required to do a few hours work per day in a full-time role? Isn't it more likely that he is massively underperforming and missing deadlines but just hasn't told you? I can't imagine what sort of employer would just let this go, unless he has some fabulous skills in a niche area and would be really hard to replace. He sounds like a common or garden lazy twat to me.

Your MIL sounds equally unbearable with her 'pink' and 'blue' jobs, particularly as it sounds as though your DH does no jobs of any colour at all (surely unblocking a sink would be a 'blue' job?).

JWhipple · 07/01/2026 09:32

sundaysurfing · 06/01/2026 19:06

Go on the next door app and find a one-off cleaner. if you state when you need them and what you’re willing to pay, you’ll cut down on a lot of the back-and-forth.

Edited

Oh good. Because what OP needs is another job to do. And pay for.
Maybe she needs to find a whole man disposal service. That would actually make her life easier.

rainbowstardrops · 07/01/2026 10:01

What a bloody lazy arse! Definitely leave him to it and take yourself off to a hotel.
He needs the practice of looking after his son for when you divorce the lazy prick.

Nearly50omg · 07/01/2026 10:09

Janblues28 · 07/01/2026 05:41

He has a full time job but in reality is only required to do a few hours work per day - no idea how he landed a cushy deal.

Think MIL is part of the problem as she waited on him hand and foot growing up so he's now like some sort of man child. We don't see eye to eye but are civil with each other and polite. But for example when she comes she might say "oh the sinks blocked, you need to fix it" but to me not DH, she doesn't think he should have to do it. She also refers to house jobs as blue jobs (for men) and pink jobs (for women) - alot of gender stereotyping from about 100 years ago........so i think it's how DH ended up like this.
I was a SAHM for a few years until recently so was less bothered by it as I had plenty of time and energy to do all the house work/childcare but now I seem to be doing that on top of a full time job. If I didn't do it then DH would be quite happy to live like a pig in his own ......... anyway you get the idea. He's definitely ND and has zero self awareness or empathy - no malice in it but he lives on another planet. If I ask him to do something I have to give a specific set of instructions and I'd have to ask him to do it each day, he wouldn't have the initiative to think to do something.

If I book into a hotel I can guarantee he will not clean anything and just tell his mum it's my fault.

Anyway I've been thinking about divorce for a while so I'm going to explore that option as I am completely exhausted.

I put up with this shit from my husband for many many years - also while dealing with ND children - since I chucked him out the kids and me have been soo much happier and also the kids ND symptoms have also been a lot better since their dad isn’t around causing the atmosphere and extra stress! New year new life!! Can highly recommend it

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/01/2026 10:10

sundaysurfing · 06/01/2026 19:06

Go on the next door app and find a one-off cleaner. if you state when you need them and what you’re willing to pay, you’ll cut down on a lot of the back-and-forth.

Edited

Er, why? Her husband only works 3 hours a day.

Sanasaaa · 07/01/2026 10:15

Anyway I've been thinking about divorce for a while so I'm going to explore that option as I am completely exhausted.

Sounds like the best outcome, the man is a deadbeat.
Marriage is for making life easier, enhanced and fun. This man has failed and is leeching off you and a terrible example to your child.

columnatedruinsdomino · 07/01/2026 10:17

Thank goodness you are going to think about your future with DH. He has no respect or love for you so there’s no way you can love or respect him back.

Brefugee · 07/01/2026 10:29

If I book into a hotel I can guarantee he will not clean anything and just tell his mum it's my fault.

get in front of that. "MIL i won't be there because DH thinks the state it is in is ok, but i don't"

glad you're reconsidering the relationship though. Guessing manchild will move back in with doting mum though, she has made a rod for her own back.

grinchmcgrinchface · 07/01/2026 10:31

I would either book the hotel or cancel MIL coming.

luckylavender · 07/01/2026 10:57

BeardedBarley · 06/01/2026 19:05

I’d want to leave it, but I’d be too embarrassed.

Why is your husband such a lazy fucker?

This

Dunnocantthinkofone · 07/01/2026 11:45

I’d be embarrassed too but not of the state of the house.
The fact that I’d ended up married to a complete waste of space would be the cause of it for me

andthat · 08/01/2026 21:30

God having to mother my husband would give me the ick.

Glad you’re considering divorce @Janblues28

Original poster
Janblues28 · 08/01/2026 23:07

So an update.....I didnt do anything. About 1 hour before she was due to arrive DH manically started cleaning- first time I've seen him use a hoover or clean the bathroom - it was astonishing.
Also MIL and I don't see eye to eye but can usually be civil. However she arrived and she's really poorly with a bad chest which she's had for 6 weeks and clearly needs antibiotics but hasnt been to GP.....so is just coughing over all of us which has peed me off - why not just reschedule the trip. There's been a few barbs but I've brushed them off. Although after dinner she just got up from the table and left her plate there........and now I'm thinking well that explains where DH gets it from. Wish me luck still got 3 more nights to go.

OP posts:
TangerinePlate · 08/01/2026 23:10

Leave the fecking plate where it is. I wouldn’t brush off any barbed comments either.

Good luck 💐

biggestcatmom · 09/01/2026 00:31

Janblues28 · 08/01/2026 23:07

So an update.....I didnt do anything. About 1 hour before she was due to arrive DH manically started cleaning- first time I've seen him use a hoover or clean the bathroom - it was astonishing.
Also MIL and I don't see eye to eye but can usually be civil. However she arrived and she's really poorly with a bad chest which she's had for 6 weeks and clearly needs antibiotics but hasnt been to GP.....so is just coughing over all of us which has peed me off - why not just reschedule the trip. There's been a few barbs but I've brushed them off. Although after dinner she just got up from the table and left her plate there........and now I'm thinking well that explains where DH gets it from. Wish me luck still got 3 more nights to go.

Retire to your bedroom and cough a lot for the next 3 days. Congratulate your MIL for passing on a chest infection and obviously you DH will need to run the house

Agonyaunt2026 · 09/01/2026 01:17

Janblues28 · 06/01/2026 18:59

We've been away for Christmas, got back Sunday and straight into work/school. MIL comes to stay at the end of the week. Normally we have a cleaner but she's not available. DH works part time - maybe does 2/3 hours work per day. I'm full time also do lions share of parenting DS (has ASD and im the preferred parent). DH has no plans to clean house, make the bed before his mum arrives. I'm so angry that he's a lazy a**hole but also don't feel i can leave it in a mess before she arrives. Ordinarily I'd clean up on the weekend. Do i leave it? I don't see why I should do it and realistically means I will be cleaning/organising 6pm to 10pm tomorrow night.

Before you leave for work today, give DH two to four of the jobs you hate doing and to have them done by the time you get home from work.

Mine would be 2 x bathrooms and getting MILs room ready (dusting, hoovering, changing bed covers), and food shopping.

Then you can whizz round and do the finishing touches.

EDIT: Ignore. I’m late to the party. I’m going to read your updates now OP.

Ghht · 09/01/2026 01:56

Janblues28 · 06/01/2026 21:36

Well I've been mulling it over and he's spent all evening lying on the sofa whilst I make DS dinner, bath, bedtime- goes on for hours with DS as he's wired (ASD) so I'm shattered. I often travel for work and I'm contemplating telling him I have to travel the night his mum arrives and then just book myself into hotel and catch up on some sleep. He was supposed to be taking his mum and us away to a holiday home we rented this weekend but I would love to just be on my own. Only thing stopping me is not wanting to leave my son behind as I do feel like he really needs me but I'm just exhausted.

Do it.

TheAutumnCrow · 09/01/2026 02:15

TangerinePlate · 08/01/2026 23:10

Leave the fecking plate where it is. I wouldn’t brush off any barbed comments either.

Good luck 💐

Ditto from me Flowers

Poodleville · 09/01/2026 03:09

Well done for holding the line OP! So DH does notice when something needs cleaning and does know what he can do about it!

Please don't bend over backwards to accommodate either DH or MIL. You sound exhausted. I would consider saying you think you're coming down with something and retiring to bed all weekend!
"Thank goodness you're here MIL, you can help DH with all the pink jobs this weekend!"