MIL arriving this week, house a mess

[Janblues28]

We've been away for Christmas, got back Sunday and straight into work/school. MIL comes to stay at the end of the week. Normally we have a cleaner but she's not available. DH works part time - maybe does 2/3 hours work per day. I'm full time also do lions share of parenting DS (has ASD and im the preferred parent). DH has no plans to clean house, make the bed before his mum arrives. I'm so angry that he's a lazy a**hole but also don't feel i can leave it in a mess before she arrives. Ordinarily I'd clean up on the weekend. Do i leave it? I don't see why I should do it and realistically means I will be cleaning/organising 6pm to 10pm tomorrow night.

Text him a list of stuff that needs to be done.

If he doesn't do it, you can at least say you gave him a list to do what you couldn't due to working then leave him to deal with her.

Lazy git.

Well I've been mulling it over and he's spent all evening lying on the sofa whilst I make DS dinner, bath, bedtime- goes on for hours with DS as he's wired (ASD) so I'm shattered. I often travel for work and I'm contemplating telling him I have to travel the night his mum arrives and then just book myself into hotel and catch up on some sleep. He was supposed to be taking his mum and us away to a holiday home we rented this weekend but I would love to just be on my own. Only thing stopping me is not wanting to leave my son behind as I do feel like he really needs me but I'm just exhausted.

Perfect!

I like this. Arrive home and act astonished and horrified about the mess, and apologise to MIL on behalf of DH. 'I don't know why he couldn't do it with all the spare time he has from only working part time.'

Do it OP

You obviously need the rest and to be away from the mess. One night won't harm your DS.

DH sounds like a cock lodger. What exactly does he bring to the table?

Devils advocate. What would you do? I am often intrigued by comments like this. Another that I see a lot is ‘you are treated the way you allow
people to treat you.’ What happens when you tell this person (repeatedly) that their behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and they still continue to do it? When you’ve threatened a split if things don’t change and it still doesn’t change? When you’ve tried revoking all spousal ‘duties’ and nothing has changed? I think a lot of the time people who say things like this have never met someone with a serious personality disorder or narcissism and have only dealt with mostly reasonable people that would actually change or at least try. So you’ve tried to talk, you’ve made suggestions and threats and now it comes down to following through and splitting / divorce. What happens if that person won’t leave the shared home? What happens if they drag their feet selling the home? Or if there’s so little equity that you can’t afford to buy something on one salary? Im currently looking at rentals and it’s £900 a mint for a very basic house in the village I live in, this isn’t feasible for most single people even short term. I’m genuinely not trying to disagree with you or argue. I just think that some people don’t understand how difficult some people are to reason with and split up with and it feels like they think we have no self respect or are weak or deserve to be treated poorly.

I don't know how to answer your question. My Mum raised me not to accept shoddy treatment from men and that's how I have raised my daughter. She's actually got stronger boundaries than me. It's a shame that we have to be aware of red flags but that's the nature of the beast.

Even if you don't need one, an escape fund is sensible. Also, keeping one's earning power so that there's no dependency. My dd advises her uni mates on red flags and she's pretty appalled at what some of them put up with.

I kind of wanted to comment on the hope that you might realise that it isn’t always weak people that get treated poorly. I know what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable for example. A narcissist (and likely people with other disorders) don’t start off by being abusive, it’s slow and they wait until you are ‘all in’ so to speak. I am well educated and no one that knows me in real life would believe that I am treated the way that I am but I am in a very difficult situation. I have savings (a considerable amount really and some tied up in the house) but I would need way more to start again from scratch (don’t want to out myself too much) I just hope that you think twice maybe before saying that you wouldn’t allow it. I respect your strength and I absolutely am delighted that you have that resolve but those of us that are stuck aren’t necessarily stuck because we are weak or didn’t plan effectively or allow it to happen.

Do what you can and what is reasonable in the time you have (if that means nothing so be it), and if she makes any negative comment about it, explain the situation and ask if she would like to help.

Hear hear.
My dad was the one who taught me not to accept shoddy treatment from men.. by the way he treated my mum and his daughters.

Im raising my daughter to walk away from any man who thinks so little of her they would happily sit back and watch her take on their shared responsibilities and chores. And yes, that means raising her to understand that to be able to walk away means being financially independent, to give her the means to follow through on ultimatums.

What would i do?

I wouldn't be married to a man who doesn't pull his weight. I would tell him once that the house needs to be gone over (even quickly) and the guest room made up properly by the day before his mother is due to arrive. And if not? I would either call her and tell her not to come. Or i would just let it play out and see what happens.

And most definitely i would do the hotel thing.

I think a lot of the time people who say things like this have never met someone with a serious personality disorder or narcissism and have only dealt with mostly reasonable people that would actually change or at least try.

Um, how do you think those of us who grew up with multiple family members with PDs or serious mental illness coped? You recognize problematic behaviour. You put up super strong boundaries and if they're crossed, somebody's going to exit. You also learn to toss those shitheads the minute they start showing red flags. You don't ignore those, that's how you end up stuck in House of Chaos in the first place. You build your support systems so when shit hits the fan you've got people at your back.

This guy doesn't have a PD, he's a lazy fuck who expects someone else to do the work he doesn't want to.

Yes, by doing his work she's enabling him to be a lazy asshole. She reinforces his laziness every time she does that.

Unless he's got a broke leg, he can get off his ass and do some cleaning.

Get onto your neighbourhood Facebook group and find a cleaner to do a one-off clean for you?

Just leave it.
"Hi MIL lovely to see you, DH made your room up"

Being divorced is so wonderful.

No dealing with a crap husband or MIL around. Bliss.

I’d have to clean it as I couldn’t leave it or employ a cleaner for that day only as a one off.

Definitely do this!

You should definitely book into a hotel and catch up on some sleep.

Why does your DH only work a couple of hours a day? He obviously has a very easy life if you work full-time, do all the parenting and you pay for a cleaner. Unless he has a life-limiting illness, I'd stop doing anything for him and would plan to seperate. He doesn't seem to bring anything to the table.

Leave it. Book into the hotel.

Also, why does your H only work PT?

He has a full time job but in reality is only required to do a few hours work per day - no idea how he landed a cushy deal.

Think MIL is part of the problem as she waited on him hand and foot growing up so he's now like some sort of man child. We don't see eye to eye but are civil with each other and polite. But for example when she comes she might say "oh the sinks blocked, you need to fix it" but to me not DH, she doesn't think he should have to do it. She also refers to house jobs as blue jobs (for men) and pink jobs (for women) - alot of gender stereotyping from about 100 years ago........so i think it's how DH ended up like this.
I was a SAHM for a few years until recently so was less bothered by it as I had plenty of time and energy to do all the house work/childcare but now I seem to be doing that on top of a full time job. If I didn't do it then DH would be quite happy to live like a pig in his own ......... anyway you get the idea. He's definitely ND and has zero self awareness or empathy - no malice in it but he lives on another planet. If I ask him to do something I have to give a specific set of instructions and I'd have to ask him to do it each day, he wouldn't have the initiative to think to do something.

If I book into a hotel I can guarantee he will not clean anything and just tell his mum it's my fault.

Anyway I've been thinking about divorce for a while so I'm going to explore that option as I am completely exhausted.

How does he manage at his job? Does he need specific instructions? Does he ever use his initiative?
I’m not saying he isn’t ND, but I am saying that many people weaponise it.

I’d cancel the mums visit stating your house is for u at an an acceptable cleaning level. You are at work every day until she arrives and you have asked her son to clean and change your bed for you arriving and he is refusing to do it for you therefore I couldn’t possibly have anyone stay over or just visit. You are u sure why your husband if refusing to clean for you doing to make your stay comfortable and be able to enjoy the family time but she will
have to talk to him about his decision. I would also kick that lazy fuck out.

I would split up too. Equality of domestic labour is my priority over everything, since I was a child and witnessed the injustice, similar to your situation, at home. I would be more likely to get divorced over this than a one-off infidelity, genuinely.

And the hotel sounds like a great idea. Your husband needs to be able to care for your son and presumably has done it before if you travel for work.

And how would he blame you for the mess? How exactly could he justify it?