Husband RANT. Help!

[hanste123]

Disastrous morning. Something has to change. It is damaging and unhealthy, but I don't know what to do.

USUALLY: i get up first to get myself ready and do school drinks (while kettle is boiling). i wake husband with a cuppa so that he can wake up and get kids ready (I really would wish he would set his alarm, but sometimes that doesn't wake him). He has just started getting involved with the morning school routine (after 6 years of doing it on my own). He gets kids up, gives them breakfast, makes snacks for school and feed dogs (but forgets their medication). Then goes back to bed, I assume to 'wake up'. Once kids have had breakfast I take over, I oversee them getting dressed, teeth and I do their hair (2 girls), whilst finishing getting ready myself. One daughter I suspect is ADHD and really needs a lot of overseeing getting ready. Literally promt every item of clothing and making sure she isn't reading/playing instead. The other daughter sometimes needs physically dressing if tired, but usually she's very good at getting herself ready. Then when it's time to get all their stuff together, put drinks and snacks in bags, get my stuff together, lint roller the kids because we have dogs and get in the car. That busy 10 mins of Chaos is when my husband decides to have a shower. Despite me asking him not to get ready at the last possible minute and to be available to help get kids and stuff in car. and half the time we are waiting for him. I am certain he also has ADHD (which he denies/doesn't believe in) so he is 'time optimistic'. I might be autistic, or at least learnt to live like an autistic person as most of my family is autistic. So my husband and I clash. He likes to be free flowing and relaxed, and I need routine. My approach gets us ready on time and causes him stress (and me stress because I have to nag him). His approach causes me stress because we are late and disorganised. I can't win.

this morning was horrific. He was up late with pain in an injury he won't see a dr about. Not a bad injury but one that probably needs physio and strong pain killers. But still went to golf last night. Regardless, I still expect him to preform if he says he is goin to, much like I have to everyday since the kids were born as I have had no one to lean on or rely on. I still have to get up early and get everything done even when I've had 2 hours sleep due to pain, because I can't trust him tk step up.

so he was up late, i woke him 4 times. (I refused to take over waking the kids because that is a slippery slope to going back to me doing it all). he then got the kids up late. In fact i had to help get the kids up because we were so late and got one of the kids breakfast as the other was still in bed. He'd been 'unable' to get her up.... I was then running late, we were all running late, he went back to bed. He said he wasn't going into work that morning, so I said great, you can be a bit more 'hands on' then in overseeing the kids (instead of shouting 'are you getting dressed' from his bed). The ADHD Child needs someone physically checking on her every 2 mins. What he did instead was to get the ADHD child in bed with him for a cuddle and a chat (a chat I'd already had with her). That felt self indulgent, he liked the cuddle and didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted / needed him to get out of bed and help her actually get ready, not enable her to chill out when we were already behind. I tried to communicate with him what needed to be done and what I needed him to do (based on experience!) I feel that was reasonable and understandable but he doesn't like to be told what to do (demand avoidance I think. And I'm autistic so I'm direct and blunt). He has no emotional regulation and so he just starts telling me to chill out like I'm the one in the wrong for picking up his slack, and then just insults me, until we are arguing and I am insulting him back (not proud of that, but I do feel there is only so much I can take, and I cannot have him insult me and not stick up for myself. Do I teach my girls to accept that behaviour for themselves in the future?). It was horrible horrible morning. Horrible for the kids. I don't know how to be any different, and I don't know if he can be either. Feel like we are ruining our kids lives, feel like stepping into traffic and just leaving them because I hate to think I am hurting them. But doing that would also hurt them.

the history is that my husband has always been shit or minimal at helping with the morning or bedtime routine. Maybe because the ADHD makes him hate routine and always look for fun and have 'time blindness'. Which means I never get to have fun, do all the work, have all the fall out because of the lack of routine. And live a life where I can foresee failure in which he will run headlong into because we need to 'chill out'. He does bring the fun into their lives, there's just no room for fun in mine because of it. I do need to chill out more, but how can I when I find him so stressful, that I have to fight against him, that I have to do more because I cannot rely on him/pick up his slack. How can I chill out when I am plainly asking for help and he just lies in bed, thinking he knows best and doesn't listen. Needless to say we were late, and I was crying all the way into school at the nastiness, stress and helplessness of it. Feel like I am attacked for trying to do what is needed for the family, for trying to get him to do what is needed. What is the solution? I start getting up even earlier and go back to doing it all myself so I don't get the stress or the attacks. And then be bitter and resentful. And be too tired in the evenings to be a wife to him?

It has caused alot of bitterness and resentment in the past. Therefore, on and off last year he was better (but on and off isn't reliable, I can't work with that) and since September he has really good. Just today I think, has been horrific, but not unusual.

I need him to 'woman up'. To just do what is needed like a mum does. Get up even though you don't want to, because that is what your family needs. Do what is needed! I need a team mate I can rely on and share the load. K

PS It might sound harsh for me not to allow him slack because he's not sleeping due to pain. But that pain isn't stopping him in any other area of life and he is doing nothing about it. And I'm still expected to do it all if I have no sleep due to pain or kids, or if I'm ill. I'm holding him to the standards u HAVE to live by.

And also, he does often like to give excuses as to why he can't get up to help, much like a child would. And then miraculously that illness that prevented him from getting up, has gone for the rest of the day. He's just sick of mornings. But I doubt he is as sick of it as I am.

what the hell should I do?

Honestly OP. This sounds so much like my relationship it is unreal. Right down to ADHD child and suspected ADHD DH and own autism! I feel like a bitter miserable cow, and our home is nothing like the safe, calm haven I wanted for my children. My husband for some reason thinks he has a god given right to watch the football with a beer - and fuck the children’s routine, bed times, behaviour etc. Then when it all kicks off he is ‘so stressed it’s making him ill’ and needs to lie in bed. Meanwhile, I plough on doing what has to be done and acting bad cop 24/7.

It hard to ‘just leave’ because then your kids are going to be from a broken home and it’s the last thing I want. My children love their dad very much. However our relationship is now non-existent and he cannot see his own role in that. So no advice really but know you are not alone.

He does realise that unmedicated ADHD can knock 12 years off his life.

But the home is already broken

I’d rotate mornings so he has to do everything you do. But frame it as a joint decision to avoid conflict.

id then leave some mornings, getting up before everyone to go to the gym or do my own stuff. It’s not being harsh, your children have 2 adult parents. He didn’t double check on you when you did all the mornings, so don’t do it for him. He will learn and find his own way.

Homes are not “broken” by getting two small children up and out the door in the morning. It doesn’t take two adults and it certainly shouldn’t break a marriage.

I don’t agree - it’s not ideal and I resent that but it’s clear the kids love having us both around. I have a stepchild too, who is massively affected by her parents’ separation and having seen the emotional fallout of that I would not put my children through it unless things were a lot worse.

To be blunt. If you're at the point of wanting to step into traffic because of your husband. Then it's probably time to split.

Life is hard on your own but feels easier when you don't have an adult reluctant team member knocking about.

He's a manchild. Why can't he get up and stay up? Getting the kids ready should be a joint enterprise. And if he's not ready when you need to leave, just leave. He won't be late often, that's guaranteed

The OP wants to walk into traffic....eh I think she's there.

Another vote for totally ignoring your husband in the mornings. I do. Mine is no help at all in the mornings (if he is even awake) and trying to manage him to be helpful is just more stressful.

But.... your morning routine sounds very complicated and stressful. I have 3Dc, one with ASD but also undiagnosed ADHD. Similar to yours in terms of forgetting to get dressed, constant monitoring etc. What I do is have the kids in a sort of linear onward routine that leads to the front door.
I get up and don't leave my room until I am ready myself. I mostly shower night before so 10/15 mins. Then I wake kids around 7:00/7:10 on my way to the kitchen. They have to get up and get dressed while I put out breakfast stuff. I do have to go up and make sure they are actually up and dressing etc a few times, but mostly all down by 7:30/40. Finished eating by 8:00.
I dont allow my AuDHD child back upstairs again as he would just get distracted. We have an extra set toothbrushes in kitchen cupboard. Lunch boxes ready in fridge, I do them when I'm cleaning up after dinner. They do teeth, put lunch in bag, shoes, coat and out the door by 8:15.
It's not foolproof and yes it does all fall on me but I'm playing to my strength which is organisation. My DH is good at other things.
I think you should tweak your routine and leave your DH out of it. My kids are 12, 10, 7 but we have had same morning routine since they were babies almost... only difference is I had to stay upstairs and physically had to help them dress.

Another vote for totally ignoring your husband in the mornings. I do. Mine is no help at all in the mornings (if he is even awake) and trying to manage him to be helpful is just more stressful.

But.... your morning routine sounds very complicated and stressful. I have 3Dc, one with ASD but also undiagnosed ADHD. Similar to yours in terms of forgetting to get dressed, constant monitoring etc. What I do is have the kids in a sort of linear onward routine that leads to the front door.
I get up and don't leave my room until I am ready myself. I mostly shower night before so 10/15 mins. Then I wake kids around 7:00/7:10 on my way to the kitchen. They have to get up and get dressed while I put out breakfast stuff. I do have to go up and make sure they are actually up and dressing etc a few times, but mostly all down by 7:30/40. Finished eating by 8:00.
I dont allow my AuDHD child back upstairs again as he would just get distracted. We have an extra set toothbrushes in kitchen cupboard. Lunch boxes ready in fridge, I do them when I'm cleaning up after dinner. They do teeth, put lunch in bag, shoes, coat and out the door by 8:15.
It's not foolproof and yes it does all fall on me but I'm playing to my strength which is organisation. My DH is good at other things.
I think you should tweak your routine and leave your DH out of it. My kids are 12, 10, 7 but we have had same morning routine since they were babies almost... only difference is I had to stay upstairs and physically had to help them dress.

What does he bring to the party?

whasts the [popint of these men honestly

hes playing you hes in pain diddums then miracously can go out an do what he wants once the kids areout-funny that

Given that he is already a rubbish Disney Dad what do you gain by staying with him. Btw your girls will understand and see things differently when they are grown as an adult I fully see that my strict, worrier of a mum was holding is all togethor due to my fathers inability to manage.

He needs to get out of bed every morning and stay out of bed, like all grown ups do. No excuses. How does he hold down a job? Totally insufferable.

Why is ADHD mentioned on so many MN posts in the last few months?

I had a husband like this - no kids though - and I ended up having a psychotic break from stress that cost me everythign I had ever worked for and left me with disabilities becasue he was so so incompetent that he made life so impossible. I had unresolved childhood trauma which my psychologist says is the reason I pout up with that shit for so long that it broke me

Get up earlier, set multiple alarms that can't be reached from the bed, and make sure you get up and go to the bathroom when the first one goes off. Also open curtains and windows and turn lights on. Stop bringing him tea.

Or just LTB. I don't know why women tolerate men like this. Is this what you want your daughters to think marriage looks like?

Sorry, have read the full thread.

Has anyone linked here yet? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17

ADHD is a registered disability under the equality act 2010. And it is so for a reason but the support adults in particular get in non existent unless they fight for it in a systematic way (very hard for someone with poor executive function) or pay for it privately (which is eye wateringly expensive).

I think there are so many posts about it because a lot of people are really struggling with a disability that is underestimated by so much of our society.

My husband relies on me for a lot of support and it’s taken us 15 years to get to a good place. I’ve had to accept some things I’d rather not but nothing that makes my life a misery.

I looked deeply into the stats in 2018 when we were make or break … a quick google gave me these:

Key Statistics & Findings:

• Divorce Rates: Some studies suggest divorce rates in ADHD-affected marriages can be nearly twice that of the general population, though younger couples might not show significant differences.
• Marital Satisfaction: Adults with ADHD and their partners report lower marital satisfaction.
• Spousal Burden: Up to 96% of spouses report their partner's ADHD symptoms make household/childcare management harder, with most taking on more responsibility.
• Marital Turmoil: 38% of ADHD individuals in one study reported their marriage had nearly ended, and 22% considered divorce, highlighting frequent conflict

It’s bloody hard.

If he's having a lie in with a cup of tea in bed he's not waking properly. He should get up and jump in the shower and then come down for cup of tea/breakfast. Who makes the bed? He could make the bed after his shower before coming down, then he wouldn't want to get back in it. Is it worth preparing snacks at night? This routine isn't working for you or the children and personally I would rather do one extra job such as getting children's breakfast than go through this. He can do something extra later in the day.

Yeah this has to change as it’s so unfair on you and your girls. I think you had two options:

1. Divorce him as he’s so bloody selfish and lazy and be a single parent.
2. Just be like a single parent anyway and do the whole routine by yourself and leave on the dot and if he’s still in bed it’s his own selfish fault.

I like option one as basically they are both the same but with option one you don’t have this useless person hanging around your house.
No point nagging and stressing trying to change people. He’s made his bed and now he can lie in it.

I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult 2/3 of my way through my life. I've been taking ADHD meds for six months. By everyone's accounts, I have gone from an insufferable arsehole half the time to being calm, non argumentative, patient and all round nicer to be around. Get him assessed anyway.

I’m sure it’s bloody hard, not disputing that at all, but it seems so many more people are claiming to have this . How do they all manage to get diagnosed? Private companies? The NHS waiting lists for a neurodivergent diagnosis in our part of the UK are two years.

I got diagnosed private (paid for by me as no one told me about right to choose) but the Clinical psychologist was legitimate and had a wealth of qualifications in mental health. My own GP checked him out, to make sure it was legit for me. Also they had the GP data sharing which not all do, so I could have transferred medication (if I chose to be medicated) to the ownership of my GP.

I had to go private as I'd been waiting 2 and a half years, to be told I would waiting nearly another 5 on the NHS waiting list. Again, no one ever told me about right to choose. I needed some help as my symptoms were getting worse with age and I needed adjustments at work. This has helped tremendously.

I also had all of my school (from primary to high school) reports as evidence plus a letter from a neurologist talking of suspected neurodivergence, before you start thinking private isn't legitimate to make a diagnosis.

@Ohthatsabitshit
It’s okay for you to disagree with me.