Husband RANT. Help!

[hanste123]

Disastrous morning. Something has to change. It is damaging and unhealthy, but I don't know what to do.

USUALLY: i get up first to get myself ready and do school drinks (while kettle is boiling). i wake husband with a cuppa so that he can wake up and get kids ready (I really would wish he would set his alarm, but sometimes that doesn't wake him). He has just started getting involved with the morning school routine (after 6 years of doing it on my own). He gets kids up, gives them breakfast, makes snacks for school and feed dogs (but forgets their medication). Then goes back to bed, I assume to 'wake up'. Once kids have had breakfast I take over, I oversee them getting dressed, teeth and I do their hair (2 girls), whilst finishing getting ready myself. One daughter I suspect is ADHD and really needs a lot of overseeing getting ready. Literally promt every item of clothing and making sure she isn't reading/playing instead. The other daughter sometimes needs physically dressing if tired, but usually she's very good at getting herself ready. Then when it's time to get all their stuff together, put drinks and snacks in bags, get my stuff together, lint roller the kids because we have dogs and get in the car. That busy 10 mins of Chaos is when my husband decides to have a shower. Despite me asking him not to get ready at the last possible minute and to be available to help get kids and stuff in car. and half the time we are waiting for him. I am certain he also has ADHD (which he denies/doesn't believe in) so he is 'time optimistic'. I might be autistic, or at least learnt to live like an autistic person as most of my family is autistic. So my husband and I clash. He likes to be free flowing and relaxed, and I need routine. My approach gets us ready on time and causes him stress (and me stress because I have to nag him). His approach causes me stress because we are late and disorganised. I can't win.

this morning was horrific. He was up late with pain in an injury he won't see a dr about. Not a bad injury but one that probably needs physio and strong pain killers. But still went to golf last night. Regardless, I still expect him to preform if he says he is goin to, much like I have to everyday since the kids were born as I have had no one to lean on or rely on. I still have to get up early and get everything done even when I've had 2 hours sleep due to pain, because I can't trust him tk step up.

so he was up late, i woke him 4 times. (I refused to take over waking the kids because that is a slippery slope to going back to me doing it all). he then got the kids up late. In fact i had to help get the kids up because we were so late and got one of the kids breakfast as the other was still in bed. He'd been 'unable' to get her up.... I was then running late, we were all running late, he went back to bed. He said he wasn't going into work that morning, so I said great, you can be a bit more 'hands on' then in overseeing the kids (instead of shouting 'are you getting dressed' from his bed). The ADHD Child needs someone physically checking on her every 2 mins. What he did instead was to get the ADHD child in bed with him for a cuddle and a chat (a chat I'd already had with her). That felt self indulgent, he liked the cuddle and didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted / needed him to get out of bed and help her actually get ready, not enable her to chill out when we were already behind. I tried to communicate with him what needed to be done and what I needed him to do (based on experience!) I feel that was reasonable and understandable but he doesn't like to be told what to do (demand avoidance I think. And I'm autistic so I'm direct and blunt). He has no emotional regulation and so he just starts telling me to chill out like I'm the one in the wrong for picking up his slack, and then just insults me, until we are arguing and I am insulting him back (not proud of that, but I do feel there is only so much I can take, and I cannot have him insult me and not stick up for myself. Do I teach my girls to accept that behaviour for themselves in the future?). It was horrible horrible morning. Horrible for the kids. I don't know how to be any different, and I don't know if he can be either. Feel like we are ruining our kids lives, feel like stepping into traffic and just leaving them because I hate to think I am hurting them. But doing that would also hurt them.

the history is that my husband has always been shit or minimal at helping with the morning or bedtime routine. Maybe because the ADHD makes him hate routine and always look for fun and have 'time blindness'. Which means I never get to have fun, do all the work, have all the fall out because of the lack of routine. And live a life where I can foresee failure in which he will run headlong into because we need to 'chill out'. He does bring the fun into their lives, there's just no room for fun in mine because of it. I do need to chill out more, but how can I when I find him so stressful, that I have to fight against him, that I have to do more because I cannot rely on him/pick up his slack. How can I chill out when I am plainly asking for help and he just lies in bed, thinking he knows best and doesn't listen. Needless to say we were late, and I was crying all the way into school at the nastiness, stress and helplessness of it. Feel like I am attacked for trying to do what is needed for the family, for trying to get him to do what is needed. What is the solution? I start getting up even earlier and go back to doing it all myself so I don't get the stress or the attacks. And then be bitter and resentful. And be too tired in the evenings to be a wife to him?

It has caused alot of bitterness and resentment in the past. Therefore, on and off last year he was better (but on and off isn't reliable, I can't work with that) and since September he has really good. Just today I think, has been horrific, but not unusual.

I need him to 'woman up'. To just do what is needed like a mum does. Get up even though you don't want to, because that is what your family needs. Do what is needed! I need a team mate I can rely on and share the load. K

PS It might sound harsh for me not to allow him slack because he's not sleeping due to pain. But that pain isn't stopping him in any other area of life and he is doing nothing about it. And I'm still expected to do it all if I have no sleep due to pain or kids, or if I'm ill. I'm holding him to the standards u HAVE to live by.

And also, he does often like to give excuses as to why he can't get up to help, much like a child would. And then miraculously that illness that prevented him from getting up, has gone for the rest of the day. He's just sick of mornings. But I doubt he is as sick of it as I am.

what the hell should I do?

Stop OP. Pause. Consider. It seems to me that you blame yourself for anything and everything that is wrong in your home life. Reread your posts with that in mind.
You’ve put your DH on a pedestal, moulded your life to support him and his dreams, serve him with a drink in bed when he should be getting up and collaboratively getting the children ready for school, make excuses for his awful treatment of you. With your self-doubt he’s lording it over you.
Come on, hanste. No man should treat a woman like this. Re-establish hanste123 - capable and effective woman, wife, mother - and put an end to his nonsense now. You’re not his mum and he doesn’t need you to protect him from life.
Get a part time job independent of him and make him step up as a parent.
You can’t go on like this mentally or physically. Stand up to him.

How old are the children? We have a simpler routine than yours and it works well.
7:15-7:30 Children wake up and get dressed
7:30-7:45 Breakfast, earlier you are the more screen time you get!
7:45-8:00 Hair done (if they’ve messed around just a ponytail no time for anything else), teeth, check their bag themselves
8:00-8:10 Toilet, shoes, coat etc. get in car

Its regimented but has cut down stress in the morning.

Say to him: if I left you how would you cope with 100% of the tasks on days you had the kids?

You need to not be in the house. Get the girls up and do breakfast, get yourself ready... Then go.

If you wfh, go for a run, or walk, until after they need to have got themselves out.

He might have ADHD, he might not. It doesn't make you an arse.

He could easily set several alarms, calculate the extra time it would take him due to the time blindness. He could make things easier by putting things that needed in areas where he can get to them easily and not forget them. My fave area is near my shoes. I have all my clothes ready before I go to the bathroom. I do things in the same order every morning before work as it sticks in my brain and I haven't forgotten anything doing this for a long time.

And guess what I do all of the above. I do it because my life is a shambles if not. If he won't help himself then he isn't going to help you. It's okay blaming it on a condition but he hasn't even got a diagnosis or any motivation to sort it out in anyway he can by helping himself.

He obviously just sees it as woman work which a lot of men do still unfortunately.

Same.

also ADHD or not (I have ADHD) a child that age should not need 2 minute check ins to get dressed. This needs addressing. Do school teachers check in with her every 2 minutes to make sure she's doing her work, or the dinner ladies 'check in' with her every 2 minutes to make sure she's dealing her food?

I think you're getting way too hooked on ND than addressing laziness altogether.

id bin off your husband and start working on getting your other child to be more self sufficient.

Ah I apologise I thought the child was 6, I read wrong!

but if your child is old enough to get herself dressed she really shouldn't need a check in every 2 minutes OP.

My bf has ADHD (diagnosed) and he’s militant about his routine, 10x worse than me. ADHD alone (especially if you’re not even sure) can’t be used as a cop out for all his behaviour. Similarly, you wanting a routine that gets you all out on time doesn’t mean you’re autistic.

How old are the girls that they need such intense supervision?

Can you get a job for someone else? Step 1 towards independence from the supremely useless fucker.

It would be easier to bring them up on your own than suffer this bullshit.

OP, I feel your pain. My kid is older now, but my husband also has some time blindness. He will leave everything until “last minute” before we go, not understanding that you can’t do more than a minute’s worth of stuff in the last minute.

I recall just after my daughter started kindergarten, my husband sitting down to play with her in the morning, instead of helping her form good habits by getting ready. So the good habit that needed forging was not some thing jointly wanted by both parents, it was one parent fighting the other to develop it. And guess who got to be the bad cop? I have had to be bad cop so much.

I remember trying to give my daughter some music lessons when she was small (I play an instrument). She asked if Dad (the fun one) could be instructed too. Yes, I said, of course. I then noticed, as I was trying to talk, he was sticking out his tongue at her as I was talking, laughing, basically encouraging her to not listen to me, and turning it into a game and a them-versus-me situation. I still feel hurt about that. It would be pointless to talk to him about this, because in his mind, “he was just being silly.” Or some stupid such thing. My daughter will remember this incident from the point of a small child. There’s no point in trying to shine light on it to either of them.

Even though my daughter is older now and musically capable, we don’t do musical things together. There are still some bad feelings there. I wonder what it would’ve been like, now, if dad had been supportive and respectful of the lesson setting, rather than destroying the dynamic.

Things are better now, my daughter is older and can organize herself time wise in the morning. But I think it has done lots of lasting damage on my family. I hate it. I feel it is been unfair to me, that I had to keep pushing in order to do what was right in the long run for my kid, e.g., provide structure and good habit training, and just accept the Bad Cop role.

My husband, in general, is a sunny side up sort of person. He doesn’t worry about things, which means that I have to worry double. He also secretly thinks, I believe, that worrying is somehow bourgeois, and possibly looks down on me for it without realizing it. He outsources the worrying work to me, then feel superior.

I pointed out the “we both need to worry/plan/nag kid” dynamic several times over our 25 year marriage, many times angrily, and things have changed much for the better, with him helping if he sees there is something to worry about. I don’t think he’s a bad person, or that I should walk out and leave him. But there was a lot of stress getting to this point. I’ve had a lot of counseling, and that helped too. Someone who can help you stick up for yourself and be an ally is a beautiful thing.

I don’t have any advice, other than to keep trying to make your point. It sucks, I’m sorry.

YABVU for all the armchair diagnoses of neurodivergent conditions.

YANBU AT ALL to be sick to the back teeth of your husband lounging around in bed every morning while you run around doing everything.

There's no way I would tell a grown man to get out of bed four times. Don't involve him just get the children ready yourself. It will be less stressful. Get them ready, get them in the car and take them to school. And don't take him a cup.of tea FFS. You have to be completely ruthless. And if he's affronted just say look,you make the situation worse, not better so you aren't included anymore.

I can't add to all the advice other than tell you about my mother's trick to getting multiple teenagers out of bed on school mornings. There were too many of us for her to nag us all so she would arrive in out bedrooms with cups of tea. The mug would be inserted into the sleeping teenager's hand(s). We now had the option to either
a) wake up, sit up and drink tea or
b) continue slleping and, either burn our hand or at some point roll over and spill tea all over ourselves.

You can't lounge around in bed shouting instructions if the bedding is soaking though I would be tempted to initiate the spillage on purpose occasionally

If it was me I’d all get up an hour earlier and do something before school. I certainly wouldn’t entertain divorcing someone who is crap at mornings and appears to be exactly like one of his children who you give extra support to.
Surely you just get better at the morning yourself (2 children up and into uniform ISN’T insurmountable solo) and he picks up something you are rubbish at or don’t enjoy or just is easily off loaded?

Prepare for separating. Get those ducks in order.This won't improve.

Give him notice and get a job outside his business. You need financial independence. You are his support system at home and at work and to enable him to be a functioning adult and it's holding you back in every way. You are not his mother.

Stop waking him or taking him tea. If he won't take an OTC pain med, he's not in that much pain, he just wants to whine and he's using it as an excuse to get out of doing things.

Leave when you need to to get the kids to school on time. He's not ready, tough.

Say you split, and one of the girls wants to go live with dad. Put it in your parenting agreement that he has to meet standards, like getting her to school on time with all her supplies and things that she needs every day. He likely won't deal after long because he's chosen to not be a functioning adult on his own, much less when he's supposed to be caring for his minor child. He won't want the responsibility. In the unlikely event that he steps up and parents, that means he can do it when he has to.

Normandy29 · Today 11:47
You sound like an absolute control freak and your husband is living with a dictator

Is that you OP's lazy partner?

My DH has ADHD and I'm autistic and I recognise a lot of the struggles in your post, mornings can be a complete disaster in our house.

I would walk away if my DH didn't take some ownership of his difficulties and make an effort to reduce the impact on the household. He's medicated now and goes to regular therapy. I take on more responsibility for running the household, and he takes on jobs that play to his strengths more (like cooking). We are both compromising and trying to meet in the middle. Things are not perfect and we do clash from time to time but the good far outweights the bad. Your husband sounds like he adds nothing but stress. I'm sorry. I don't know how you can improve things when both of you need to be onboard for that

That's fine for him to not want a label or medication, but he needs to accept that he is an individual who struggles with time and he needs to work on that. There is so much advice online for people who need support with time management, so he has no excuse not to try.

I'd start with creating a morning plan together, outlining what needs to be done, by whom, and by what time (perhaps with a picture of a clock showing that time if he's a visual person). Also, think about anything that can be done the night before (e.g. packing school bags, making lunch ready to grab from the fridge in the morning), again sharing the responsibilities, and record it on the plan. Try to find a calm, quiet time to discuss this and make sure he does get a say in it all, so that on those mornings when he's not sticking to the plan, you can remind him what you agreed together, rather than what you've told him to do.

Good luck!

@hanste123

The thing about untreated and unmanaged ADHD is that it turns dark.

Tread carefully.

once you start treating your ADHD spouse as a child, because you have to help them to adult otherwise everything goes haywire, contempt steps in. Contempt kills relationships.

We are not attracted to those we care for. It’s biological. You can’t be the parent and spouse of your partner. Ask me how I know.

Look inward and you will see clearly the way forward.

I care for my husband and am very definitely attracted to him. This is absolute nonsense.

Please take this kindly - here are my observations: your morning sounds like hell, I thought ours was bad. But it really sounds like utter chaos for the kids, not relaxed in any way. Your husband & you are clearly opposites in your styles of organisation/lack of. You arent his mother, he isnt a child. Accept what he is. Don't do the Tea in the morning. Having to wake him is insufferable to read - just stop that. I'd detach from him & the morning routine, it sounds too regimental - let the girls do a little more for themselves, maybe a visual plan so they know what to do next. It can't be as complex as explained.

He can have his chill morning in bed but he's a grown f^^king adult & should then be able to get himself up without being made to get up by his wife. Adhd aside - sounds like a lazy a-hole.

Bloody hell get rid what does he bring to anyone's life

You have a third child here. A manchild.
if you were solo-parenting your two children it would be actually LESS work for you and less stressful.

It’s actually ridiculous how many ‘man child’s’ there are, stuck in their old fashioned gender roles of thinking housework and childcare is below them.

whilst many women have to balance modern life to help contribute 50/50 working fulltime on top of doing what a 1950’s housewife would do it’s just unrealistic and not sustainable.

He needs to pull his socks up. He needs figure out what he can do to play a part and help out - no excuses.

I know how exhausting this behaviour is as I have been here myself and still find myself in this situation.

Id recommend joining ‘Bridging the Gap’ community page on Facebook for support and advice.