Are female friendship groups worth the hassle?

[Bababear987]

Does anyone else feel so confused in adult friendship groups? I can make friends easily enough but I find so many people have unwritten rules of friendships or expectations that I just dont understand and often cant meet. I often have a different take on a conversation or peoples actions than everyone else does. I find other people often over analyse situations and i take them at their word. Other people want to bitch and 'have it out' whereas I want a nice simple supportive group and think we can talk through any issues that crop
up.

This seems to mostly be a problem in groups, with individuals I'm fine and have a lot of individual friendships lasting 5-20years.

I'm waffling a bit but i think what I'm asking is about female group friendships, is there always drama and falling out eventually? And why cant we talk things out and ACTUALLY move on? Why does someone always want to go in circles talking about issues we agreed to move on from? Why cant it be accepted that people have different ways of communicating and different life experiences?

I'm not talking serious issues, its things like; one friend not liking pictures in the group chat, someone not replying within the right time, someone reading msgs instantly but not replying for hours/days etc then it blows up repeatedly

To add we are all in our 30s with very young kids and work so busy.

So AIBU to think that females group friendships always come with drama/angst?

Maybe you need less dramatic friends?
I've never really experienced this. So, I'd say yes, they're worth it, but my experience has been different to yours. If my friends were all flaky and hard work I would probably say otherwise!

never drama/angst, more just everyone is really flaky and cant be arsed to make the effort.

"I'm not talking serious issues, its things like; one friend not liking pictures in the group chat, someone not replying within the right time, someone reading msgs instantly but not replying for hours/days etc then it blows up repeatedly"

This sounds utterly horrendous as a group of adults, are you all policing who has liked what pictures, you all need to grow the fuck up.

I'd say YABU to think that female friendship groups always come with drama/angst. My main friendship group has been together for 25 years and I can count on one hand the number of falling-outs there have been (which were all amicably resolved). Subsequent groups I've been part of are also drama free - so far!

That said, I think YANBU to feel frustrated with the examples you've given, which sound unnecessarily petty. You raise an interesting point about individual vs group dynamic though. I think positive relationships really rely on respect for each other as individuals, and I wonder if that's often easier to achieve one-on-one.

32 year very close friendships with two women and never even a whiff of drama. Just support, love and trust

one friend not liking pictures in the group chat, someone not replying within the right time, someone reading msgs instantly but not replying for hours/days etc then it blows up repeatedly

You just need different friends, I've never experienced that 😂

I have seen it on MN, I know it's a thing, but I don't meet - let alone have friends - who are that childish and self-centred.

I've two main friendship groups both with five of us. They are hassle free, supportive, fun and have been for over 30 years. They ebb and flow with life cirumstances but overall have been one of the great joys and pleasures of my life.

I'd put money on OP being AI trying to dredge up anti woman sentiment.

Any more stereotypes about women you’d like to reinforce, OP?

Yeah, that's you and your friends. Some of us are normal and don't police everyone's social media accounts.

My female friends are one of the joys of my life. We're people, with flaws, so obviously at times we make mistakes and cause upset, or behave in ways others find irritating. But as with any relationship, if the good outweighs the bad, you excercise a little tolerance, see the big picture, and appreciate that they're doing the same for you.
I think people can expect a very high bar from their friendships with women. Because we tend to want support and connection we'd never dream of expecting a male friend to provide.
And with this goes with a deeper knowledge of who the woman is, warts and all. So naturally you're going to uncover some things that are less than ideal in her personality, as she will in yours.
The best friendships focus on the good and don't dwell on the flaws. And if you can't because the flaws are too great to handle, you find new friends. After all, there's plenty of us, with a hugely diverse range of personalities, so unless you're impossible to please, you should be able to find a fit.

No. I 100% do not want a big group of friends – with all the drama, the constant invites to christenings, weddings, birthday parties, etc. Would be utter hell to me. I'd rather lay in a hot bath and listen to Stephen Fry read P. G. Wodehouse or Sherlock Holmes!

The great thing about getting older is I no longer give a f-k if people think I'm 'sad' or a 'loser' for not having lots of friends. When I was young, how many friends you had, how often you went out, etc, was all-important, and I suffered for years from deep shame. I would beat myself up for not having more friends or more of a social life when, in truth, I didn't really want them in the first place. Now, I accept that I'm an introvert, and even embrace it. I don't dislike people. I have a lot of empathy and try to help good people whenever I can. I'd also like one or two friends I could talk books with or got to an art gallery with. But that is enough for me.

Most of my friends I've had for between 50 - 25 years. None of them are like that, except one kinda. She talks about religion and politics ... I don't discuss either. I tell her and she changes the tune. Thats about it. All my friends are lovely.

I have male friendhip groups (where I happen to be the only female), mix friendship groups and female friendship groups,

none has more drama than the other.

My female friendship group comes without drama. There’s seven of us, late 30s, some with kids some without. In our 20 years of friendship, there was one drunken argument about ten years ago. I’d say the only niggles we have are “oh did you notice Emily, Jessica and Laura went out for dinner night, why weren’t the rest of us invited?” Or “Hayley can’t come to my birthday drinks because her husband won’t look after the kids on his own, that’s a bit annoying.” But it’s so minor, we love each other, are incredibly supportive, been there through all the highs and lows etc. I get a lot out of their friendship.

Yeah I gave up after we were all having a lively group convo (a bit loud and lots of laughter) when I was taken aside and told I was triggering one person by speaking over her. This was a woman who had spent our late teen years talking shit about me and being nasty to me with her mates so forgive me for not giving a shit.

I walked out and have never seen them as a group since. Now I have 2 best friends and we see each other as a group maybe every 3 months.

So you bitch about each other behind backs is what I’m getting from this.

More like… sharing “minor observations!”

That’s just bitching by people who won’t admit it’s bitching

Call it whatever, we’re generally a happy group with lots of love 🥰

Haven't experienced anything like that since I was 16 to be honest.

I haven’t fallen out with a female friend since my first term in Uni when we had a seriously oddball flatmate who didn’t like it when me and our other flatmate didn’t tolerate her trouble making behaviour. Ever since then I’ve had female friendships which are extremely caring and meaningful

But no, this isn’t Gossip Girl it’s real life and women IME very really bring drama or fall out. Don’t fall for the (usually wrong) sexist notion that women are bitchy

Most larger friendship groups are unstable. Maybe 4 is the maximum.

Smaller groups form within the larger group and people get excluded. In a larger group there are always going to be people who like each other less and more and form sub groups within the main group.

The only real way large groups stay together is when all the people in the group don't really care about keeping it together that much and are very relaxed about their interaction with each other.

I’ve never had that, you need to be more careful when choosing friends

Sorry but I agree with OP. Women are bitchy, especially when in big groups. 30’s are probably peak time for this. And like someone else said smaller groups often form. Having said that as I’ve gotten older my friendships with fellow females have become a lot more supportive and less competitive. And there is a big difference between having a supportive group of friends that have been together for 25 years where there is distance and only meet a few times a year, than a group who all live close by and see and socialise with each other regularly. There are many more opportunities for misunderstandings then. In addition I have a couple of friends whose female friendships revolve around their husbands friends wives more than their actual own friends. I’m still friends with them but find it annoying and misogynistic