My boyfriend is paranoid that I'm chatting inappropriately with other men on social media.

[Peapod2016]

When I met my boyfriend 9 months ago I was still connected with some people on social media that I'd previously dated. After a couple of months we became exclusive and he didn't like me still having these connections. I removed them all to make him feel more comfortable and was happy to do that as I didn't need to stay in touch with any of them. But since then he's still really paranoid and keeps asking if I'm talking to any other men or getting messages from any other men. He usually accepts it when I say no but recently he's been asking to look at my phone to see my message apps and phone photos. I don't feel comfortable with that as I feel like it's invading my privacy but if I refuse he takes it to mean that I'm guilty and I must be hiding something. At Christmas it got heated as we were both drunk and he got very angry and started throwing things around when I wouldn't show him my camera reel on my phone. Am I being unreasonable not giving him free access to my phone? I'm not hiding anything as I'm not talking to anyone but still want to keep some parts of my life private.

Absolutely this!

The others are right, you need to run.

Showing your phone won’t cure his paranoia. When he finds nothing, he will tell himself that you’ve deleted the evidence, have a second phone or secondary SM account. It will get worse with time and you’ll find yourself scared to do anything because you know he’ll kick off. He’ll interpret your fear as guilt.

Plus you know that he accusing you of this because he’s done this while in a relationship too?

Please note that the 5% currently that say you are being unreasonable only mean that you’re unreasonable not to leave him. Nobody honestly believes this is ok behaviour. Throw the whole man in the bin.

Exactly. OP doesn't need to do a Clare's Law request as his current behaviour is NOT ok. She doesn't need further evidence or permission to walk away.

Spot on!

Every word of this. He’s trying to control you and is now starting the abuse. End it safely.

Not normal at all and it will
only get worse.
You are his girlfriend not his therapist or emotional punch bag.
Dump, dump , dump!

Run

Of course you are allowed privacy and throwing things in anger is crossing a huge line.

Your instincts are spot on.

They're screaming at you that this is wrong.

His paranoia and insecurity are NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

OP, if you ever come back to this thread you’ll see that literally everyone’s telling you to end this relationship immediately and don’t look back. It’s a story as old as the hills, and the sad truth is, men like this never change. Never. They just get worse.

I’m just going to join the chorus. End it, now. He doesn’t get to control who you are friends with and he certainly doesn’t get to look through your phone.

Came to say the same thing. This behaviour won't stop but will keep escalating. End it, OP.

Leave him and the next time (if there is one) a boyfriend asks you to cut people out of your life to make him more comfortable, refuse. It will save time.

I am worried for you op that you haven’t seen this for the immediate run away notice that it is. I wonder what other glaring signs that someone is abusive you would miss. That is no judgement, many of us weren’t given the tools in our childhood. You need to do a lot of reading before you try another relationship.

Can only echo other posters and say leave him. None of my partners have ever asked to see my phone or accuse me of speaking to other men. It’s not normal behaviour.

That's a good idea. I think Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft should be required reading for all teenagers, especially girls.

Really fast.

Get out before it becomes any more difficult. seriously. Do not ignore the flags.

No run away. I regularly talk to men, in fact i regularly go on trips to concerts inc overseas with them. My DH doesn’t have an issue with this because he’s not a controlling abusive wanker! Get rid!

Are you frightened to end this relationship; frightened of what he'll do? Frightened that he'll be able say "Told you so, you're going off with one of those men you've been talking to". Get some help to end this - he will hurt you.

Dump and run, he’ll be accusing you of talking to men while you’re at work soon. This isn’t going to go well, he’s a controlling, abusive cunt. Get out now.

He’s asked you and you’ve said no you aren’t talking to other men. That’s not good enough for him and he now wants to check your devices.

That is not actually sortable behaviour. He doesn’t trust you and will never trust you and will proceed to make your life a misery by acting jealous and the behaviour will escalate.

He will try and isolate you and may even turn violent.

Get away from this dreadful excuse for a man as soon as you possibly can.

I would also say that those that are suspicious of their partner are more likely to cheat themselves as it’s their own bad behaviour that makes them think k others behave the same as they do.

He needs to work on his paranoia and trust issues. He is not ready to date. You've already altered a completely normal way of living to accommodate this.

Honestly I think you should be telling him the above and splitting before it gets more serious and you are limiting your life more and more for him. This is not your issue to resolve.

Run for the hills!