My boyfriend is paranoid that I'm chatting inappropriately with other men on social media.

[Peapod2016]

When I met my boyfriend 9 months ago I was still connected with some people on social media that I'd previously dated. After a couple of months we became exclusive and he didn't like me still having these connections. I removed them all to make him feel more comfortable and was happy to do that as I didn't need to stay in touch with any of them. But since then he's still really paranoid and keeps asking if I'm talking to any other men or getting messages from any other men. He usually accepts it when I say no but recently he's been asking to look at my phone to see my message apps and phone photos. I don't feel comfortable with that as I feel like it's invading my privacy but if I refuse he takes it to mean that I'm guilty and I must be hiding something. At Christmas it got heated as we were both drunk and he got very angry and started throwing things around when I wouldn't show him my camera reel on my phone. Am I being unreasonable not giving him free access to my phone? I'm not hiding anything as I'm not talking to anyone but still want to keep some parts of my life private.

60 votes, 100% not unreasonable and all posts telling you to finish it now.

First one for 2026 I think.

I hope you are taking note OP 🤗

Your being unreasonable for not telling him the relationship is over. Seriously, dump this man.

It happens. My BF is like this. Her boyfriend has shown so many red flags and she’s run towards them every time. Red flags that were shown weeks into dating him. I’ve given up trying to counsel her now she’s own her own with him / it. It’s been 2 years. Sometimes some woman are so desperate to be in a relationship / have no self esteem. That they will accept anything.

This is coercive control! https://welshwomensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-coercive-control/

If you read other women’s stories on these boards you will see a pattern emerge. It usually starts with a guy saying he is worried about cheating or other men hitting on his partner and wanting to check phones and social media, then not wanting his partner to go out with friends, then saying friends and family are a bad influence. Gradually the woman stops seeing people as much and does everything with her partner. The guy slowly chips away at the woman’s self esteem and isolates her from her friends and families with the woman being fed the line that it is because he loves her so much, can’t bear to be apart, wants to protect her and she wouldn’t want to hurt him etc… This sometimes stays simply as emotional abuse but it sometimes goes on to physical abuse. If a guy can’t trust you and is demanding to see your phone when you have not cheated on him I would walk. As many have said here it is a major red flag.

I do not and will never understand how in this day and age with all that information available women still think this is even somewhat ok.
It's absolutely not

Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you.

He’s possessive, controlling and violent. And if he’s prepared to be this blatantly ugly after just 9 months, I dread to think how far he could potentially escalate in the future.

Read your OP again and really think about what he’s actually doing to you here, which is invading your privacy, intimidating you and making you totally responsible for his anger, insecurity and emotional disregulation. It’s a very short step from here to “now look what you made me do”.

Then think about why you’re questioning yourself, and so unsure of your own boundaries that you’re asking an internet forum to validate your feelings, rather than just slapping that shit down immediately and removing this inadequate, bullying fuck from your life. Why do you think this is all you deserve, or that this prick is even worth a minute of your time? Get out while you still safely can.

Everyone starts from a position of ignorance on this stuff - why assume that everyone has been leafing through MN relationships board for years? I luckily found MN many years ago perfectly in time to realise my new boyfriend was becoming jealous and abusive - I dumped him. Hopefully OP will do the same. ❤️

There are countless relationships like this, why are you expressing surprise?

It would be more helpful to support people who find themselves in this position rather than judge and criticise them.

If you are in the UK, anyone can check if a person has a previous conviction for domestic abuse using Clare's Law, do that asap for your own safety.

https://clares-law.com/can-i-find-out-if-my-partner-boyfriend-husband-has-a-criminal-record/

Controlling, jealous and abusive! Throwing stuff round, how long until he starts becoming physically abusive with you? Please leave him immediately and stay the hell away!

Also, him thinking you're chatting to other people online almost always means hes doing the same. Cheaters assume everyone else acts like them. Honestly, get away!!

But even if that throws up nothing whatsoever, he is still a controlling bastard well on the way to being an emotional and probably physical abuser.

Get out of this relationship now.

This is horrifically controlling and not normal. It will only escalate.* *

End this relationship now. This is the thin (and rapidly getting thicker) end of control and abuse. He's not a good guy.

Leave. It will get physical he will eventually hit you

What is keeping you in this relationship?

Out of interest OP, at what point would you see he's an abuser?

You seem to think you need to prove yourself atm. These men gradually isolate you, they control your every move and if you're really lucky you'll get a black eye or 2 every month to keep you in line.

Get rid now. When he makes a pest out of himself, (because he won't go quietly). Starts the intimidation and threats, threatens suicide and all that. Ring the police.

Get out now before you end up tied to him with a pregnancy.

I hope the 5% who have voted YABU have only done so because they think you should have dumped him already. Otherwise WTF.

You passed his first test at 2 months to see how controllable you are when you removed the friends he told you to.
You’re currently failing his second test because you won’t give complete access to your phone, so he will ramp things up and apply more pressure until you do.
Then it will be the next thing, and the next…
He’s not looking for a partner - he’s looking
for someone to control and manipulate.
This is an abuser - RUN before he’s keeping you shut at home, pregnant with his baby without any job or friends.

@VapeFree26 , I didn't see your post, but when you are in a relationship the red flags aren't obvious. You meet someone and there might be something that makes you wonder if it might be a red flag but you dismiss it because he seems a great guy, then everything is fine and there'll be another one, and you think that's you being picky... Then one day, maybe years and children later you realise that you are surrounded by red flags and you think but he's a great guy really...
Then when he punches you, you think what the hell happened.

@Peapod2016 , don't be that woman. Bin him. He's shown you who he is.

Dump

You're only being unreasonable to stay with him! Bin him, OP.

If you're exclusive then he has to trust in that and put all this behind him. If he can't do that then this will become a bigger problem.

This is not a good relationship.