My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

Agree with this 100%.

He was a victim in all this too and it feels to me (OP)you're victim blaming in a difficult situation. You've responded to someone here saying they're over simplifying but I think you're doing the same to assume he could have just taken his daughter away from this.

Also, it sounds like he didn't know the true extent of her alcohol issues as the daughter confided in her Dad recently about how long it went on for?

Importantly, he's showing self awareness and I think if you want to marry this guy and love him, you need to support him now. It doesn't sound as if you're sure though.

It's doubtful he could have taken his daughter back to the UK and as you said, he didn't know the extent of it. If he did, it would probably have been different. His DD is unlikely to have wanted to leave her mum in France.

If he lived in the same country he may have been able to make more of a difference.

It's tragic situation and it's clearly played on his mind a lot.

Having read some more posts, I can understand why him not telling the OP is destabilising for her. She might wonder what else he isn't telling her, for instance, or prefer someone more emotionally open and expressive, instead of being reserved and private. Perhaps this has made her realise she doesn't feel that close to him in many ways.

But I can also understand why he might not have told her, especially if his 'deep chat' with his daughter only happened in the past few years.

The first time the anniversary of his ex-wife's death came around (or second, if they got together only shortly before the anniversary) he may have felt it was too soon to dump it on her, or simply not important for her to know. And why should she know? They had been divorced for seven years when his ex took her life! And his daughter is an adult living in another country, not a child needing OP's support. He might have regrets or sadness over how it affected his daughter, but what does that have to do with the OP? Or their lives together, moving forward?

And crucially, the OP never asked him to share, and perhaps he felt awkward sharing painful details about his ex-wife and parenting choices when she didn't seem interested. Because when she did ask him if he'd like to talk, he said yes, and immediately told her the entire story, seeming glad to be able to divulge it before their wedding. Perhaps because he felt strange getting married when she didn't know such a major (if now irrelevant) chain of events in his life.

So while I sympathise with OP to some extent, I feel like it's just as much her fault for not once, in four years, asking him how his ex-wife died. Frankly, it'd be the first thing I said. A sympathetic, 'Oh, how terrible for Daughter. How did it happen?' Perhaps that's prying, but I feel if you're shagging the guy, you're entitled to at least ask.

I think you should consider that he is sharing a very painful experience with you, and has had the honesty to share before you are married. He obviously values and trusts you enough to do this. He hasn't fundamentally changed, and his daughter is fine now. You have discovered that he is a fallible human being after all. Are you so perfect that you can't forgive him for something that was a long time ago?

Except the child was what 13~15~17yo then?
What they wanted would have been asked AND hugely taken into account by the judge. The dd wanted to stay with her mum. She made that clear.
Plus ofc you have the issue with living in different countries and different systems (no idea for example if in Spain, transferring custody from mum to dad is that easy. The laws won’t be the same, let alone customs).

I think you are tge one simplifying things.
’Someone’ should have noticed. For things to change that someone should have been a GP, a teacher, a friend. When people are isolated (the wife had no close family members), few friends (she had lived years in another country), who do you expect to notice? The father who lived thousands of miles away, who sees the clean presentable face both the dd and the mum wanted to present. Don’t you think it’s a bit far fetched? Well unless you expect a father to be able to read minds etc….

The actual people involved (your partner and his daughter) have clearly worked this very sensitive situation out between themselves and have a good relationship. I think that’s where you need to go from.

I think this is a little harsh. Say the story was that he knew wife was alcoholic, made daughter move in with him, mother was so upset she committed suicide and daughter never forgave him? There are so many issues to this situation but many men would have just slipped away but he kept contact and now they have a great relationship. If the daughter can forgive him, then take notice of that. You can always postpone the wedding but I'd think carefully about throwing away a great relationship on an issue that is really done and dusted. While perhaps he should have talked about it earlier, it was obviously very difficult for him to talk about but he has done that now. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Yes, I’m sure I would have said the same to my dad if he offered while I was living with a drunk abusive man who was abusing my mum, or when we were homeless and living in hostels and shelters for 2 years. But guess what, he made some half hearted effort, didn’t push it and he was off making his life with his new wife and not worrying about me. Luckily my mum got us out of it but no thanks to my dad. You can’t put that responsibility on a child, she probably thought she should stay and care for her mum. I would also be a bit disgusted by him too OP 😕

no this is what happens when men don't open up in a timely fashion and don't seek help in a timely fashion for those they are responsible for and don't process their own emotions afterwards...people like all the bonkers emotion-constipation-apologists on this thread leap in to say how absolutely fine it is.

Well if it means he now won’t marry someone who judges him and thinks he’s a shit dad then it’s worked out quite well. I doubt it’s the timing really, she’d probably have judged him even if he’d told her straight away. Despite it having nothing to do with the OP and relating entirely to the relationship between father and daughter.

I think it's very difficult to look back in hindsight and recall the nuances and dynamics that kept everyone stuck in the decisions they made, rather than making different and possibly better ones.

Is this likely to impact him and your relationship going forward? I mean what is his general temperament? Does it weigh heavy on him in a way that maybe he needs to work on it and himself before getting married, or has he been a good, easy going partner so far?
The past can't be changed but it can keep us stuck or we can learn from it and move forward in a positive way.

How would the school have known?

its a tricky situation. Yes the other parent aka dad should have reliesed the extent of drinking / he was the adult and was unfair to leave his dd in that situation as a child

she wasn’t going to say I want live with you dad and move countries and leave her mum who she obv loved

yes he should have stepped up more. I say that as a mum to a daughter who has an alcoholic as a dad and I decided enough was enough and we split and now process of divorcing

a child shouldn’t have to see/hear/look after their alcoholic parent

she lives with me. There is no way I would allow her to live with her dad. I don’t even allow overnights at the moment and equally dd doesn't want to stay there overnight - which is sad but I totally understand and support why she thinks that

saying all that - sounds like they have a good relationship now and if she can ‘forgive’ him for not stepping up then , then why can’t you

hindsight is a wonderful things and we change the past

why is it making you twitch now @Dreamingfever

I am suprised in the 4yrs together that you have never discussed 1) why divorced and mums drinking and 2) how she died

OP this a very complicated situation. I wouldn’t judge him by the standards of current social work practices to be honest. No one can predict outcomes in these cases and it may be that his instincts were right and he did the least damaging thing under the circumstances, but who can know? I’d say his guilt and his honesty about it is a good sign. A lot of men would just have demonised the mother in a situation like this.

I would feel the same but then i would rationalise it by saying hindsight is a wonderful thing and when your are living through it its not always as clear cut as to the decisions that need to be taken, you do you best with the infromation you have at the time.

The fact he feels guilty would mean to me that on reflection he can see how he could have handled it differently - vs someone who mights say ' it was what it was' and almost wash hands of it now even.

You cannot help an alcoholic in my experience, especially from a dfferent country. Sounds like the best he could have done at the time was take his daughter away from her mother to live with him, which would have created its own set of problems and wouldnt mean his daughter wouldnt have still suffered any trauma because of it.

She's about to marry into the family. In your world, should they never have any potentially difficult conversations? It's completely impossible to do this with any form of tact and sensitivity?

That sounds completely bizarre, to me. They just spent Christmas together. She's about to become this woman's step-mother, a role she's only just realised is a lot more emotionally-loaded than she thought. A conversation is a fair request. The daughter doesn't have to agree, if it's upsetting to her, but in the circumstances it's not an unreasonable request.

I'm not suggesting OP interrogate the daughter on her trauma, but it would be considerate to check in with her, if nothing else. They're not two strangers on the street. And they are both adults.

I think this situation is a reflection on OP's character flaws more than her partners. Her partner is clearly having his own MH struggles coping with a traumatic event that has loomed like a dark cloud for many years now. He decides to open up to his partner and make himself vulnerable and how does OP respond? By turning it into a me situation. As if is she's entitled to know someone's pain before they're ready to share it. Acting like she deserves a husband who has never made a mistake before.

I would argue OP partner is entitled to know her true feelings so he can decide if OP is the caring and loving partner that he thought she was?

Would he have even had a right to move there to be with his DD anyway?

Yes, thanks to the 2004/38 EC directive

Even a simple "I've just discovered this, and it's been a shock. I'm so sorry, I had no idea" could be helpful to OP. There are a range of reactions to that, and knowing where on the spectrum her future stepdaughter falls will make it easier to navigate the whole situation in future. Is she relieved to be able to talk about it? Or does it still provoke a strong emotional response every time it comes up?

If the wedding goes ahead, OP needs to know these things. She should be following SD's lead on such a sensitive subject, which means she needs to know where she's at. Her dad doesn't talk about it because he's guilty. That doesn't mean silence is what SD herself would prefer.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how she should so this? Like actually what would you say in OP's shoes?

OP: Hey step-daughter how's everything with you? Mental Health ok?
SD: Yeah, everythings fine. I mean work is a bit stressful lately, but just the usual daily challenges of being an adult.
OP: Great....but how about that dead mum of yours? You ok, need to get anything off your chest?

I find it weird that it took 4 years for you to find this out. Knowing how your partners ex wife died is probably quite important I’d say…

It was a turn of phrase. Of course I dont know what DD feels or felt. That is patently obvious.

I meant to say to say "it appears that DD has forgiven or made peace with her father given she's continued to have what seems like a positive relationship with him"

You may not possess them, but tact and sensitivity do exist. How do you think anyone has difficult conversations? You play it carefully and adjust based on the responses you get.

She doesn't even have to say the words "your dead mum". Don't be so glib.

"Your dad just filled me in on the full story of what happened with your mum. I wasn't aware until now" + offer condolences is a fine soft opening. Then follow her lead.

"Just filled me" lol. Like she was catching up from an Eastenders omnibus.

Sure tact and sensitivity exist, but also people can recognise that some topics/siutations are off limit to them, and just becuase OP has a close relationship with her father doesn't automatically grant her rights to delve into someone's trauma.

OP has had a perfectly fine relationship with her partner until now. Her getting the details from step daughter serves only to satisfy her only curiousity, which has been presented under the guise of 'wanting to know the person I'm marrying'. It's Insensitive and self-entitlement.

iT APPEARS TO YOU would be more appropriate.
You have no way of knowing she was in any way critical of his behaviour and needed to either make peace with it or forgive it .