My partner just divulged some of his past to me 3 weeks before we marry

[Dreamingfever]

First of all, I’m going to be mentioning suicide so please don’t read if that will upset you in anyway.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, we are both in our 50s so won’t have any children together. I have a DS from my first marriage, he has a DD from his first marriage, both now early 20s.

DPs first wife passed away 6 years ago, they’d been split for about 7 years before that and I’ve never pried as to the details of his first wife’s death, not my place nor business.
He didn’t live in the UK for most of his adult life, he’s a dual national so spent most of his life in Spain, his mother is Spanish. His first wife was French.
He had told me that once they split his first wife took his daughter to France, he spent most of the holidays with his daughter (who was 12 by the time they split), would take weekends to visit her. I’ve always thought I couldn’t have lived in a different country to my DS but I wasn’t there, I don’t know what the relationship between him and his first wife was like etc. He seems to have a very positive relationship with his daughter, she lives abroad still (different country from either she was raised in) but he calls her often, visits often and we just flew out to spend Christmas with her.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

He told me that his first wife was amazing for many years but when her own parents passed she struggled with her mental health, when they split she asked to take her daughter to her parents home she’d recently inherited and raise her there. He admitted he had been hesitant about her abilities to raise their daughter but he worked long hours, and felt a daughter needed her mother, so agreed.
He then told me that over the years he knew her mother was unwell, an alcoholic he claimed was what he knew. He thought about asking to have his daughter back, reporting it to someone, but feared it would only make things worse. He said he told his daughter she could move home anytime but she never wanted to.
His daughter then moved to a different city for university. Then 6 years ago her mother, his first wife, took her own life, overdose alcohol and prescription drugs.
He arranged everything as his first wife had no living family she was close to, any only child, both parents passed, and her daughter just 19.
He also sold the property and sorted out everything inheritance related for his daughter.

He then said during a deep chat over some wine with his daughter he learned his first wife had been an alcoholic for many years, she never told him as she was scared she’d be separated from her mother. She was honest about her teen years being difficult, often coming home to her mum passed out, making her own meals, taking the metro to school and back unsure of her mothers well being etc.

He admitted he has felt immense guilt since and always finds the anniversary a hard day.

Now I’m conflicted, I feel awful for him. But I worked with young adults and teens for many years and I often felt the excuse of “no one else knew” was a weak one, I’ve always felt it shouldn’t be a child’s responsibility to know when an adult needs help or they need help but someone should be looking out for them, I feel he failed to do this, he knew she was an alcoholic and failed to both protect his daughter and get help for her mother.

This clouds my judgement of him, I feel I can no longer see him as a the devoted father, kind man, and loving partner I believed he was.

AIBU to feel like this? Is it the past, something to be moved on from? Or an indicator that he may not be the kind of man I’ve been made to believe he is?

It is a lot of information at a time that is stressful enough.
The fact he dumped this on you before the wedding suggests he might well be having cold feet to me too. Men often do this to make the other person do the breaking up.

As I said previously, he should have owned all of this before and be getting or have had therapy for it. If he had done that though he likely wouldn't have waited until a few weeks before his wedding to divulge such a pivotal life event to his future wife.

100%. If I was the bloke in this situation that would be an immediate red flag.

None of this is the OPs business, it really isn't.

It is very challenging when couples with children split up and the parents are not from the same home country - I have close friends and colleagues, as well as people in my extended network who have been in this situation. It's sub-optimal, but not at all unheard of, for the child to live in one country with a parent while the other is elsewhere. I get how if you've never experienced or seen this first hand it may feel really weird though. Once they'd agreed this arrangement, I am not sure that the OPs partner would even have been able to make many changes if he'd wanted to legally, such as removing her from the country. He could have spent the best part of a decade trying to with other problems resulting.

The only thing I would be focusing on now is supporting the partner in having a good relationship with his daughter now, that is the only part of it which is the OPs business since she is part of his life now.

I would feel the same but from an outside prospective feel that you are being too judgemental now. Many men would do this and not even reflect. Sounds like he does reflect, often and knows he made some bad choices. No one’s perfect but being able to see your mistakes and own up to them is a good sign that he’s a decent person at heart.

The OP has absolutely no right to request a conversation with the daughter about her trauma and her dad. Jeezo. Talk about overstepping.

No! It’s just a pretty big and traumatic thing to happen for everyone.

I can’t imagine never mentioning this at all in a close relationship. Like I couldn’t imagine not telling my partner that, say, my sibling died in a car crash, or that my parent was an alcoholic.

I’d wonder how close I really was to someone who has this huge impactful chunk of their family life I knew nothing about.

I mean, I have colleagues who tell me things like this about their lives. I can’t imagine a partner just not thinking it worth mentioning ever.

A future step-mum is now unable to talk to her step-daughter? WTF?

She's got no right to request that they delve into her private past, no.

She can talk to her IF the daughter brings it up. She is absolutely not entitled to some sort of rehashing of the daughter’s past trauma simply on the basis that she is marrying the dad. Absolutely not. People seem to have taken leave of their senses.

Exactly. Absolute insanity. Its between the OP and her partner.

My DP grew up with an alcoholic mother. They were forcibly removed to their dads care after a small fire at home. I suspect it was long known she was an alcoholic but until something major happened there never felt a right time to remove the children. From what my DP says he would have happily stayed with his mother and as an adult still devoted his life to caring for her until she sadly passed away. So honestly I don't think there is a wrong or right in that situation. My partner still adores his mother and says she was the best mam she could have been.

So never mentioning that her mum committed suicide, was an alcoholic and the dad didn't even notice is the way forward is it? That is something else the OP needs to consider.

It is a lot of information at a time that is stressful enough.
The fact he dumped this on you before the wedding suggests he might well be having cold feet to me too.

He could not have had any influence on the date of his first wife's passing or to what extent his emotions can now be affected by that, year on year.
Granted, he may have thought twice about the date of another wedding day, but that would probably not have been part of deliberately 'concealing' personal history.

I think the fact that he and his DD have a good relationship now speaks volumes. Perhaps during their deep and meaningfuls he acknowledged he could/should have done more. Perhaps he apologised?

He has had x4 that in the 4 years they have been a couple.

She's not going to be a 'mother' to the daughter - the daughter is an adult woman, and OP won't be stepping into a mothering role. I'd imagine the relationship will be more 'my father's wife' than 'my step-mother'.

And frankly if my own father's wife (married since I was in my late teens) asked me about the traumatic things that have happened in my past it would be a massive overstep, and she'd get shut down immediately. I get along well with her at holidays and family occasions, we talk easily about lighter things, and I like her, but I'm not about to delve into painful memories from my past in order to assuage her idle curiosity!

I think it is good he told you. Now he knows you are judgmental about this particular fault and don't really love him enough to overlook it. Just leave him and go go find a perfect human being in their 50s who has not fucked in a way you find unacceptable.

I don't mean this as an accusation, just a statement of fact. I don't think II personally ould hold the decisions he made in this instance against him but you obviously do and your views are what count in this situation. Maybe I would find other things unacceptable that you don't.

Example:
My DD was born on the day that my DM's mother died. DM's mother died very prematurely and unexpectedly in around 1965 while DM was in another country and unable to get to her. It's about 50 years later that a Granddaughter shared the date.
It doesn't have resonances for me, but it does for my DM. It is not a dark day but nor is it fully 'redeemed' for her. You can't wave a wand and fix something.

Sounds as if he did the best he could, not knowing how bad things were getting, and if he’d tried to take DD the upheaval and strife could have made DD’s life worse. She is now happy and gets on well with him. I wouldn’t write him off.

Funnily enough, I was chatting today with a pupil at school (I work in a secondary school with challenging teens), whose friend is in the same position as the daughter in the OP’s post. The girl has a horrendous home life with addict mother and stepdad. Guess what? The girl’s biological father is around and has offered to help, but isn’t doing enough. It knocks me sick.

Someone will read this and recognise the people involved. Seriously, you should remove it asap.

PS. You sound sanctimonious.

Tonight he seemed upset, I asked why and he told me it was the anniversary of his first wife’s death. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said actually he’d like to tell me about it before we marry.

This is the most significant point to me in terms of your relationship. It implies that he knew he should have a) done more at the time and b) told you about it sooner.

Edited to add: Not intended to pass judgement on the OP. I think this is a grey situation, but this detail is where I would start in terms of talking to my OH. Why did he feel the need to raise it pre-marriage and why has he not said anything sooner?

And if he had of stepped in the mother's descent could have been quicker and more extreme.
The daughter was a protective factor and without her daughter she couldn't cope and drunk herself to death.
This is just a totally tragic set of circumstances but one I would try and navigate kindly and lovingly for all involved.
Nothing is ever black and white and your partner has regrets. With the benefit of hindsight things could have been done differently but would the outcome have been any different or any better?

I don't personally think OP sounds judgy or sanctimonious - she has suddenly had a lot of sensitive information dumped on her by someone she thought she knew and was committed to spending the rest of her life with. It is not her fault he decided to do this just before the wedding and she has no time to process it all.

He doesn’t owe the op
an explanation. That’s his private life and none of her business.

He was living in a different country and his DD didn't tell him what was going on. He knew his ex-wife drank too much, but she was an adult he couldn't do much about that. And his DD was keeping the extent of the problem quiet. I think it's most unfair to blame him for something he didn't know about. He has enough of his own guilt about it. It's easy to say in hindsight that he should have known, should have found out, should have done something about it, but she was an ex living in a different country and his DD was determined to stay with her mum and protect her.