Partner thinks he’s helping while working from home

[Whatisthedeal]

I’m a SAHM since last June with a toddler and a 7 month old and when my partner is working from home he says he can never get work done because he’s helping me. He stormed off today because I said if he thinks he is helping me then his perception is very different to mine.

This is how a typical day looks. He comes down with the toddler to make breakfast and I feed the baby and get her ready for the day.

we come down and while they play, I do a load of laundry, make homemade bread to prove. We then get ready and head out for a morning activity (this can take a while getting out the house though). My partner hovers but says he can’t help because he’s working.

we are out for roughly 2.5 hours, come home and I make us all lunch while my partner goes a run.

we then go out for an afternoon activity for a further hour before coming home and I make dinner, put another load of washing on and do the dishes from breakfast and lunch.

My partner is a great help in the evenings I admit, he helps with bathtime, puts our toddler to bed and does the clear up from dinner while I feed and put the baby to bed.

However AIBU to say to him he hasn’t helped during the day when he thinks he has? IMO he just hovers around us all and will comment on how im looking after them ie that im not paying enough attention to what they are doing, or im not getting them out the house fast enough, or i wasn’t out long enough etc. He watches me do everything as im getting them ready but doesn’t actually help. So why does he think hes helping me? I’d rather he sit in his office and didn’t come out!!

i should also note that if the baby cries for more than a second he will come down straight away to say it’s been too long, what happened, why wasn’t I paying attention. Usually it’s just standard sibling not sharing or an accidental bump

Are you having to leave the house with the children TWICE a day, EVERY day? So that you DH can work from home? Because THAT sounds unreasonable to me.

@VickyEadieofThigh yes, I leave two times a day but some days that’s for my own sanity! Lol I also go to my elderly parents house once a week for the best part of the full working day (usually leave at 9 and come home around 3.30/4

Install a dishwasher. Buy bread.

You don't need to martyr yourself to prove how busy you are.

Where does she say dishes and making bread is a problem?

You're going to need to talk it through with him in nice small words.

How do you help me?
Watching me get (child) ready doesn't help me.
Telling me (child)'s crying doesn't help me.
Telling me everything you think I'm doing wrong doesn't help me.

What do you think would happen if (child) was crying and you weren't here? And assuming he's happy that you'd handle it, then he doesn't need to come and intervene when he is there (and if he's not happy you'd handle it, what the fuck is he doing leaving you to it at all)?

Bottom line is if he's on board with you being the SAHM then part of his job is to manage his anxiety levels around leaving you to it when he's supposed to be working.

I think there needs to be better boundaries. If he's working he should be in his workspace with the door shut and minding his own business. If he's taking a break and wants to use it to help then he needs to be doing an actual job, not critiquing your job. If he's hovering, tell him what needs doing and if he says he can't because he's working tell him to get back to work then and get out of the way.

I might be tempted to say that if he doesn’t need to be working and has time to supervise you he may as well get on with whatever you were doing while you go back to bed for an hour

Does he have to work from home, could he go into an office instead?

We have 2 under 2 currently on my second maternity leave but on both maternity leaves the rule has been if my husband is working from home then he’s working, he has a home office and stays in there unless toilet/meal breaks etc. I’m not policing the kids volume, leaving the house all day or having him moan about noise etc- this is our home, not his office, if he wants an office environment he can go to one. This works for us, he doesn’t interfere, he doesn’t complain about noise, if he wants to focus with quiet he goes into the office.

Tell him to put in ear plugs and stay at his desk for normal business hours. I suspect that the run in the middle of day might be the real issue.

MEN. It made me stressed just reading this OP, I bet on the days he’s away/out you feel so much more calm and relaxed despite having more to do! For one thing, you’re having to cook a full meal twice a day instead of throwing picnic stuff in a bag for you and the kids and having lunch out so you make no mess at home.

Having been there, I think you could have a discussion about boundaries in an objective way, not saying “you’re not helping” but frame it as him being in your workspace. I bet he wouldn’t like you coming into his office and hovering around, pointing out things he could do differently in the interests of helping him work. Frame it as improving overall efficiency and not attacking his inadequacy.

A good measure is how much free time you each get.

He gets to go on a run every day(?), do you get equal time to do an activity you enjoy?

Does he spend any time doing hobbies? Socialising? Online scrolling? And do you get the same amount of time?

Could you get a running buggy and he takes the kids out when he’s running?

You are a saint because I would have murdered him by now

Hovering and commenting would drive me absolutely crazy. I’d stop what I was doing each time and say ‘would you like to do this instead given you are standing watching?’ When he says no he doesn’t have time, I would just stand and do nothing and look at him and tell him I am waiting for him to leave before continuing as I refuse to be supervised. He is not my boss.

That’s what I was thinking…

The not helping isn't the issue. If he is working how does he have time to hover. Why do you have to go out its your house too. It's ridiculous that he says you are not out the house fast enough and not out long enough. I wouldn't stand for that at all. What would he say if you stayed in all day. Does he have an office or work in a bedroom. I would tell him to leave me alone and let me get on with it. Doesn't he realise that you can't keep a toddler and 7 month old quiet just for him because he is working. If he doesn't like it tell him he can't work from home then.

I do very occasional emergency-ish child care for my great niece. Her Dad works from home. Drives me mad as I do child care in their home due to not having baby and toddler stuff at mine
he is in and out of room all day. Whenever he is bored, wants a coffee break, on way to loo etc etc. she loves her daddy so every time he comes in she’s distracted form what we’re doing and then takes me ages to settle her again when he goes off agian. I had to talk to mum to get her to stop him coming in and out. (Mum doesn’t wfh) . He’s better but it’s still a challenge

jeez, if he were my dh and doing that all day whilst I was primary care giver I’d be having stern words to tell him to bugger off, concentrate for more than an hour at a time on his actual work. And leave me to get on with it. I’d also be bloody telling tell would he want me commenting continuously on what he does with his work?

oh, and by the way, stop saying “helping” op. He’s not helping you. He’s doing his job as parent. He’s not helping you by hanging around either. You need firm boundaries that when he is working he clocks on at certain time and stays in office all day till clock off, other than lunch and reasonable bio breaks. Unless there’s an emergency and you ask him to come in and do something spepcifc.

men like this are a pain. It’s boredom with their job tasks, in my humble opinion.

It all sounds awful. Him for being a dick and you for gushing about how he "helps" in other areas, when all he is doing is bare minimum parenting of his own child.

Let’s get one thing straight the “helping” that he does in the evening is not helping. It’s called fucking parenting!!

Does he think coming out to critique and supervise you is helping?

Time to tell him to fuck off. You're leaving your home for hours twice a day so he can work at home and that's crazy.

when he starts work he should go to the office or wherever he works and stay there. Apart from his lunch break. That will solve the problem I would guess?

None of it should be framed as ‘helping’. Women are never ‘helping’, we are just parenting, so it’s the same for men. In the evening he is parenting, as he should be.

My husband and I are a team. We help each other, we assume the best of each other and give each other grace and support. It doesn’t sound like you guys are a team.

And I’m struggling to see what the ‘help’ he claims to provide during the day is, as he doesn’t seem to have any real interaction with his family in the first place? Have you asked him to describe exactly what he’s done to help?

He needs to just get on with it. Buck up buddy! DH said he other day that he’s “not letting a child run our lives!” Honestly…

How often does he wfh vs go to his office?

My god I hate men so much! Of course he isn’t helping. He just wants you out of the house while he works. If his behaviour is as you say it is then obviously he’s a complete dick. What can you do? He won’t believe you when you say he isn’t helping. I would go to work if I were you tbh, easier than dealing with this and I would say ‘I’m going to put them in childcare and start working as you clearly don’t think I’m doing a good enough job when you are claiming to help and criticising me all the time.’ I think I might be better appreciated in a workplace.’ Start saving in case he gets worse and you need to leave.