Partner thinks he’s helping while working from home

[Whatisthedeal]

I’m a SAHM since last June with a toddler and a 7 month old and when my partner is working from home he says he can never get work done because he’s helping me. He stormed off today because I said if he thinks he is helping me then his perception is very different to mine.

This is how a typical day looks. He comes down with the toddler to make breakfast and I feed the baby and get her ready for the day.

we come down and while they play, I do a load of laundry, make homemade bread to prove. We then get ready and head out for a morning activity (this can take a while getting out the house though). My partner hovers but says he can’t help because he’s working.

we are out for roughly 2.5 hours, come home and I make us all lunch while my partner goes a run.

we then go out for an afternoon activity for a further hour before coming home and I make dinner, put another load of washing on and do the dishes from breakfast and lunch.

My partner is a great help in the evenings I admit, he helps with bathtime, puts our toddler to bed and does the clear up from dinner while I feed and put the baby to bed.

However AIBU to say to him he hasn’t helped during the day when he thinks he has? IMO he just hovers around us all and will comment on how im looking after them ie that im not paying enough attention to what they are doing, or im not getting them out the house fast enough, or i wasn’t out long enough etc. He watches me do everything as im getting them ready but doesn’t actually help. So why does he think hes helping me? I’d rather he sit in his office and didn’t come out!!

i should also note that if the baby cries for more than a second he will come down straight away to say it’s been too long, what happened, why wasn’t I paying attention. Usually it’s just standard sibling not sharing or an accidental bump

He needs to go out to work. I couldn't focus on work with young DC in the house, but you and your DC should be able to get on with the day without having someone hovering and complaining about children being children.

I haven’t read the whole thread but just need to say he sounds a massive wanker, just in case no one else has pointed this yet? What a knob.

I would hate having someone working from home with me while raising two young kids - home is for making noise and chaos, and for being allowed to express emotions and make forts out of sofa cushions etc...its not a place that needs to be silent and under control so that someone else can concentrate to work. He needs to go back to the office.

How is he getting any work done if he is always either hovering about, out for a run or eating lunches with you?

he needs earplugs I think

I thought you were saying he was hoovering, which could be useful. Hovering definitely not. All advice above is good!

Does he not ever work from the office? I’d find that set up awful. Are you planning to return to work or is this a long term arrangement? He would be better off staying out of the way, but sorry he should not be complaining about normal household noise when there’s babies. It’s no way to live having to go out twice a day and keep their noise down.

When exactly is he doing any actual work? If he's spending his time hanging over your shoulder and critiquing everything you're doing when you're at home, then when's he actually doing his paid employment?

WFH means he's supposed to be working. It's one thing lending a hand whilst he's on his lunch hour, or helping out very quickly if he's breaking for 5 minutes anyway to make a brew. But it sounds like he spends most of the day being your line manager. I hope his own line manager is understanding, because it doesn't sound like he's delivering much output.

He might want to have a careful think about this. Apart from being a monumental PITA who is pissing his wife off, the job market is absolute shite right now. So it's really not the ideal time to be looking for a new job that will not only allow WFH, but have such low delivery expectations that he'll be able to spend most of his day telling you how you're getting parenting wrong.

Oh my god are you serious…. If he is working he is working. My DH would shut himself in a room from 9-5 and poke his head out to make lunch. He would help in the morning and the evening but he is paid for his 9-5 and he needs to be doing work.

You’re MASSIVELY U.

it would drive me made especially if I had to be out of the house twice in one day, I’d probably aim to spend a couple of days a week at my parents for some peace.
When I’m fed up with DH in the kitchen I tell him he’d better get on with his next job or he’ll run out of daylight. If that fails I start giving him household jobs to do.

My DH works from home sometimes. He holds the baby while I go to the toilet / finish getting ready. He does any dishes in his lunch break. He puts a dinner on in the morning to slow cook. He pops down when we get home to help with bags from the car / taking jackets off etc. He has never once ever said he can't get work done!

No. I don’t think this setup is acceptable at all. Working from home like this while the other parent is caring for small children in the same space is unreasonable. I lived through it myself, and it was damaging for both me and the kids.
He needs to work outside the home or be completely separate. Anything else is suffocating enmeshment.
You shouldn’t be forced to take small children out in winter twice a day just so a grown adult can work uninterrupted at home.

with a baby and toddler, it's easier to come home for lunch/ nap than staying outside the entire day? How else to you go from morning to afternoon activities?

OP, your DH sounds like an anxious mess that would drive everyone insane!
Just tell him: evening he's being VERY helpful

daytime? Just making comments is the opposite of helpful.

She isnt asking for his help FFS. Re read the Op

Going out once a day for an hour or two is enough - especially in winter. Both morning and afternoon, why? When do the kids get to play in their own home?

What will he do if you and the kids play in the living room or bake some cakes and they get louder than a whisper? Y'know, normal "kids" level of having fun.

He needs to start going to the office or finding somewhere else to work.

His idea of help - yeah, that's not help. It's hindrance.

He needs to be more disciplined at focusing on his work if he’s working from home. You sound like you’re doing just fine and don’t need his version of “help” during the day. He knows the children are with you so he really doesn’t need to involve himself when he hears crying/whingeing/whatever.

Honestly, I would have told my husband to fuck all the way off if he dared started this shit with me. Likewise, I would never do that to him because it’s demeaning and annoying.

I’d suggest he works in the actual office more, and has better boundaries about not interfering or hovering when he is at home.

i agree you’re a saint, I’d have explained very clearly to my dh that he wasn’t helping during working hours despite his misperceptions…

Exactly. If he came in when the baby cried and picked it up, helped OP load up the buggy/car and strap the little ones in, that’s helpful. Getting involved solely by pointing out that someone’s crying, the place is a tip, OP and the kids are still in the fucking house is much help as a marzipan dildo.

help as a marzipan dildo.

😂😂😂

Never heard that one before! 😂

To the office wity him

Oh my gosh OP I could be married to the same man. My husband comes down 15+ times a day from his study. Long enough to hype the kids up who then cry when he leaves.
He doesn’t do any helping but hovers around saying how busy he is. He comments on parenting and also comes down as soon as a baby cries, a toddler cries or a child shouts anything. He is there in an instant. He doesn’t help he just demands to know what’s going on.

I try to get him in the office as much as possible but it’s only 1 day a week, 2 if I’m having a lucky week.

I have no advice other than ignore him when he’s around. I tend to not get drawn into conversations with him as he hands around longer. If he really doesn’t go away, I take the kids out for a walk

I read it as ‘hoovering’!

Be clear with him - you have it under control unless you specifically call him to ask for help.

My husband rarely wfh as he finds it disruptive with little kids at home (fair enough) and generally keeps his wfh day to a day when I also wfh so all the kids are at school/childcare. But there’s occasions when he needs to wfh. Generally if possible I’ll take them
out for a while (like you OP for my own sanity) but sometimes that isn’t an option. In which case he has to suck it up.

I am very clear with him, no matter what carnage he can hear downstairs, unless I call for him I’ve got it
covered and he just needs to ignore it. I do sometimes ask for his help if he’s wfh, I’m heavily pregnant and asked him to put the pram in the car for me the other day for example. If he’s concerned for any reason he is welcome to call me/text me
and check if all is ok but this rarely happens. I also find if he constantly reappears it makes the kids manic and hyper and then they’re upset when he goes back to work. Whereas if he leaves for work they know he won’t be back until later and behave normally.

I also look after my own kids/siblings kids from my
parents house one day a week and my mum is usually wfh while I do so. I’m very clear with her that I will shout for her if I need help too. She just leaves me to it. I had to work from her house due to a power cut on a day when she was looking after my youngest child. He knew I was there and was super upset at times because I was busy working and it wasn’t our usual routine. I was clear with her too that I wouldn’t interfere and would assume she has it handled unless she specifically said otherwise in which case I will come and help straight away.

Your husband needs a firm word that you have it under control, you will call for him if there’s something urgent or wrong and he can have a couple of small, specific house related tasks to do at his leisure during the day. Eg he can make the beds, or wipe the upstairs sink or stack the dishwasher while the kettle boils or whatever. Helping with a couple small jobs would be far more helpful than hovering and criticising.

I WFH 2 days a week & in the office for a 3rd day, DH is retired. During school holidays we frequently have GC while their parents are at work. DH does the bulk of the cooking & housework - this includes laundry, ironing, garden etc. Though we do have a cleaner for 2 hours once a week to give the main areas a good clean. I tend to do the bathroom every day as I'm fussy about keeping it clean whereas DH concentrates on keeping the kitchen clean as he was a chef & is particular about that.

While I'm working I'm shut away in a room. I don't come out unless I'm taking a break for which I'm not paid. All hell can be breaking out in the garden or other parts of the house, I ignore it as DH is in charge and because I'm doing the job that I'm paid to do, not there to act as supervisor, referee or whatever.

I don't understand how your DH has the time to hover around you while he's supposed to be working.

he better be on damn good money if he comes and WATCHES you do tasks
if the baby is crying hand her to him and say deal with this i’m busy with the dishwasher ….. !