Partner thinks he’s helping while working from home

[Whatisthedeal]

I’m a SAHM since last June with a toddler and a 7 month old and when my partner is working from home he says he can never get work done because he’s helping me. He stormed off today because I said if he thinks he is helping me then his perception is very different to mine.

This is how a typical day looks. He comes down with the toddler to make breakfast and I feed the baby and get her ready for the day.

we come down and while they play, I do a load of laundry, make homemade bread to prove. We then get ready and head out for a morning activity (this can take a while getting out the house though). My partner hovers but says he can’t help because he’s working.

we are out for roughly 2.5 hours, come home and I make us all lunch while my partner goes a run.

we then go out for an afternoon activity for a further hour before coming home and I make dinner, put another load of washing on and do the dishes from breakfast and lunch.

My partner is a great help in the evenings I admit, he helps with bathtime, puts our toddler to bed and does the clear up from dinner while I feed and put the baby to bed.

However AIBU to say to him he hasn’t helped during the day when he thinks he has? IMO he just hovers around us all and will comment on how im looking after them ie that im not paying enough attention to what they are doing, or im not getting them out the house fast enough, or i wasn’t out long enough etc. He watches me do everything as im getting them ready but doesn’t actually help. So why does he think hes helping me? I’d rather he sit in his office and didn’t come out!!

i should also note that if the baby cries for more than a second he will come down straight away to say it’s been too long, what happened, why wasn’t I paying attention. Usually it’s just standard sibling not sharing or an accidental bump

I was wondering this too.

And thinking he sounds a massive tit.

Does his work realise they're paying him to stand around hovering and critiquing your parenting?

You sound a bit precious if I'm honest, why are you baking bread when you are struggling for time?.why are you going to two baby/toddler groups a day?

what's wrong with going 2 groups a day? Surely it's easier entertainment for the children than being on your own?

Groups and going out with children make life easier!

Thanks everyone for the responses- I wasn’t expecting so many!

i tried to initiate a constructive conversation this evening but it hasn’t gone very well. After explaining how I feel and that he should consider going into the physical office more, he sulked off, has ignored me all night and when I’ve tried to ask if we can talk more, he’s gone to bed sounding almost teary and saying he will stay out of my way. Not sure what this means going forward…

my initial problem might be fixed but not sure how our relationship is affected

He sounds draining.

Sounds like you have 3 kids to deal with not 2!

He’s punishing you for standing up to him and putting boundaries in place. Stay the course and don’t pander to his childish nonsense. Don’t apologise or try to cajole him; just be bright and normal. If he tries to go back to micromanaging you then reiterate what you’ve already told him. He needs to learn that he can’t guilt or emotionally blackmail you into submission by making you feel like the relationship is threatened any time you raise an issue with him and his behaviour.

Precious? Wtf does that even mean? She just stated what she does in a day. She hasn’t once said she doesn’t have enough time in her day or tried to make herself sound any sort of way. Just that it takes a while to get out of the house - no big deal if you haven’t got a man child ‘working’ and critiquing your every move. She bakes her own bread and spends quality time with her children. It’s not her fault that you think that’s precious. I think she sounds like a great Mum.

He sounds very controlling and annoying. I can see how it is disruptive to his work day though, but then he shouldn't be working from home.

When either of us WFH and the other has the children at home, we'll usually help for 1) getting kids dressed, 2) lunch. That's about an hour in total max, and only if available, the rest of the time we're in the office (unless the other parent asks for help - usually major crisis with both kids being difficult).

Do not back down. He's being very emotionally manipulative.

Stand back from this and think logically. You have had a conversation with him, adult to adult, asking him to focus on his paid work and leave you to get on with the parenting.

Is what you are asking unreasonable? No, of course not. You know that.
Did you go in shouting and screaming at him? I'm guessing not.

So why is he now giving you the silent treatment and sounding tearful?

The answer is because he is punishing you. He's sulking, and then threatening tears, like a toddler would.

You should be able to have adult conversations with your partner. It's not normal, or healthy, for him to react like a small child who is having an emotional tantrum. And neither should you feel like you cannot discuss something perfectly reasonable with him, for fear of upsetting him.

You need to stand your ground on this. Carry on as normal. Speak to him like normal, behave like normal. Don't fuss after him and do not say sorry - because you have nothing to be sorry about.

Brilliant advice. I have only just learnt to do this. I have to keep saying in my head ‘you’ve done nothing wrong’ when my partner (pretty sure he’s a narcissist) because I grew up in a dysfunctional household and always had to cover my ears or stay completely still as a coping mechanism and they’re hard habits to crush. Thank you for typing out what you did. Sometimes you’re helping people that you didn’t even intend to help ❤️

So he’s had a moan, you’ve come up with a solution to his moan, and he’s gone off in a strop…. Clearly he won’t be happy with anything less than you and the kids being out all day. Remind him that you also have a job (which you can’t take breaks from to go for a run) and that your house is your place of work as well as yours and your children’s home.

No wonder many employers are trying to get staff back into the office, if this kind of slacking whilst WFH is common! Your partner needs to focus on his work, and leave you in peace to do your own thing, this situation would drive me bonkers.

Stay firm - of course he’s upset, you called time
on his martyr act of claiming he’s helping you
by wfh when he’s doing nothing constructive and is in fact a negative.

it’ll be better for your relationship long term if resentment doesn’t build due to a lack
of reality. As it stands in his mind he was working and looking after the kids in work time and being impaired at work due to this.

if you’d let that perception carry on, you’re in line for being blamed for not working, hampering his ability to work, and not taking on full responsibility
for the kids in working hours.

reading between the lines, it looks to me
as though his work isn’t going well he’s got work
stress and he’s looking to pin that on you.

He's supposed to be focused on work, not being your parenting manager. Discussing this is not optional. He's out of line.

He fucks off for a run during his workday as well. He sounds like he isn't very productive working at home and he could be risking his job in a bad job market.

So when you tried to bring up the topic of his micromanaging you instead of working, he gave you the silent treatment and played the martyr.

That's emotionally abusive and manipulative. The silent treatment is an abuse tactic. Playing the martyr over having a reasonable discussion about his use of work time and micromanaging you, manipulation. He's trying to get you to drop it.

Don't do that. If he can't stay focused on his work when he's at home, he needs to go back to the office. He sounds very controlling, to the point of using his work time at home to keep you more under control and I bet that is part of his resistance to going back to the office.

How is it going @Whatisthedeal?

My personal and probably unpopular view is that WFH is great for the person who WFH but not for other members of the household.

My DH works from home two days a week (Mondays and Fridays.) I used to work Monday - Wednesday and I changed this deliberately as I couldn’t cope with DH! He is not an arse, but it stressed me out so much. I didn’t feel like I could just chat to ds (only had one child then) felt conscious of noise and tantrums and tears, if ds napped I didn’t feel I could put my feet up, couldn’t have play dates or socialise. I used to spend most of the time out of the house but that becomes a drag, especially in winter.

So no, YANBU!

The whole set up sounds absolutely intolerable.

As an aside, you say ‘partner’ so I assume
mot married. I hope you’re looking after yourself financially/have your own assets etc. as giving up work to depend financially on this man without the legal protection of marriage sounds like a very questionable idea!

why do you expect him to help you? would he help you if he was working at the office instead of at home?

She doesn’t. She just wants to be able to get on with her day without him hovering over her and providing a running commentary!

ah ok, thanks

Obviously I don't know what you actually said to him here, but what I would say next time you speak about this is what WOULD be helpful for him to do during the day. I'm sure you said what is NOT helpful (hovering, criticising) but did you also tell him what he could do that would be helpful (other that just "work somewhere else")? If there are positive actions he can take that would be good. It's always good when you can say "it's great when you help, but doing X isn't helpful to me but doing Y would be brilliant".

He needs to adapt to what life is like with 2 kids - it's not easy to balance work (whether it's WFH or elsewhere) with parenting two small children. No-one finds it easy. Having adult conversations about it between you both is the way forward - but make sure you focus on what you both DO want to happen and not just a list of things you don't like.