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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend needs to send her son to a SEN school?

63 replies

SimonSaidIt · 05/01/2026 12:25

My very good friends son is non verbal (bar a select couple of phrases) and he is 7 years old. He has a diagnosis of autism and goes to mainstream school. He has had several 1:1 and the parents have little communication with the school, other than parents evening. From what my friend says, he spends his time with his 1:1, and she doesn’t get any updates on the work they do together. Her son doesn’t receive reading books or picture books from school or any type of homework.

Friend feels confident that he will make progress, and doesn’t think he would benefit from attending a SEN school. I’ve never worked in a school but have some personal experience of SEN and am worried in case he isn’t accessing the right education to help him make progress.

I think my friend is in denial about his needs and I’m concerned that it’s so hard to get places in these schools. If he’s not on a waitlist yet, I’d imagine it’ll be harder down the line?

I know it’s not my business. I just wondered if it’s likely that his school will encourage the parents to apply? I’m just so shocked that aren’t pushing for this, and suppose I’m worried the school could be failing the child.

Again, I know it’s not my business. I care very much for my friend and her gorgeous boy and just hope all turns out okay for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SimonSaidIt · 05/01/2026 12:28

i should add, the phrases he says are not in context. They are sort of said to himself there are about 3 phrases he will say. He makes no verbal requests and does not respond verbally to anything.

OP posts:
HobnobsChoice · 05/01/2026 12:29

She's only going to be able to send him to a special school if it's named in his EHCP (if you are in England) you can't just choose to send your child to one. It may or may not be something they've considered at primary level or they might feel mainstream is ok for him now and then special school at secondary level. If school, parents and child are happy with him being in mainstream for now then it's their business. As you say it's none of your business and the parents can make their own decisions about their child. Should they want additional input they can talk to IPSEA or their local SENDIASS for more information and advice.

Original poster
SimonSaidIt · 05/01/2026 12:31

HobnobsChoice · 05/01/2026 12:29

She's only going to be able to send him to a special school if it's named in his EHCP (if you are in England) you can't just choose to send your child to one. It may or may not be something they've considered at primary level or they might feel mainstream is ok for him now and then special school at secondary level. If school, parents and child are happy with him being in mainstream for now then it's their business. As you say it's none of your business and the parents can make their own decisions about their child. Should they want additional input they can talk to IPSEA or their local SENDIASS for more information and advice.

Thank you. This is so reassuring to hear. Hopefully the current arrangement is in the best interests of the child.

OP posts:
ObladeeObladi · 05/01/2026 12:36

There is a chronic shortage of SEN school places - I know of several children in our city who are non verbal and in mainstream schools with support, those parents have fought and are fighting for special school places but will only get one if the mainstream place totally breaks down and there are no other options.

I think as a close friend with a background in education it would be reasonable to ask what their thoughts are, to express that in general it can be easier to get special places younger (as more and more kids need them as they get older), but you should be prepared to hear that they don’t have any realistic chance of getting it and are just doing their best.

Kirbert2 · 05/01/2026 12:40

Does he have an EHCP? Without one, he isn't going to get a place anyway and even with one it can be incredibly difficult. Especially if the LA and school believe he is coping in mainstream.

If your friend is happy with his school, you do need to stay out of it.

OhDear111 · 05/01/2026 12:41

She could be far more hands on with the school. She’s sitting back and presumably doesn’t want him moving schools. She could ask for more info and a homework strategy for her to engage with and I’m amazed she has not.

All Sen dc have reviews as 1:1 costs money and all dc have progress carefully monitored. She could ask for his progress data. She could be liaising with the Sen coordinator and his teacher. However, if she doesn’t want him assessed, she doesn’t but the school will push for this at some stage if strategies fail. Before long, he won’t access the curriculum and the school and his mum will have to give this more thought. As he’s getting 1:1, the school is probably giving a lot of input but it doesn’t sound like she is working with them, and is sitting back.

I would encourage her to get far more involved with his education and certainly be clear about his progress. She might be in denial about his needs but I think you could suggest far more involvement - maybe she just says to you he doesn’t get books and Phonics work because it’s not getting him anywhere? Maybe she does not want to be involved? Don’t fall out with her over it.

Icecreamandcoffee · 05/01/2026 12:44

It takes an iron will and hours and hours of advocating and navigating the system to get a place at an SEN school. It's pretty much a full time job to ensure an EHCP is enforced, jumping through the hoops and often going to court is required to get a place. It's cheaper for the LA to name a mainstream and will push for mainstream to the end no matter how unsuitable the placement is for the child.

Only the most severe children or with parents with the time, energy and education level to navigate the system get places. If mum is happy with his provision at mainstream then it is unlikely he will be offered a place at an SEN school. Unless he is severely dangerous to his peers or teaching staff or has very complex medical needs which require a lot of special management then the school is also unlikely to push for a place. Even if he falls incredibly far behind his peers unless mum really engages it's likely they will increase his 1:1 hours and keep in mainstream. It may mean that secondary options become limited but again most local authorities are mainstream at all costs.

Daytimetellyqueen · 05/01/2026 12:46

If this is her first experience of SEN & education, she may simply be trusting the school to do the right thing, not realising that sadly that's not the case & she & her DH need to be a lot more active in this.

As a close friend, I’d speak to her, she may appreciate / need your insight. I imagine you’d be able to tell soon enough into the discussion whether she was appreciative of the information or not.

Snaletrale · 05/01/2026 12:46

Formal education isn’t probably right for him at the moment, especially if he is non verbal. He’ll be accessing the eyfs curriculum with his 1:1 which will be play focused.

Knittedfairies2 · 05/01/2026 12:48

I agree with @Icecreamandcoffee; getting a place in a special school requires some serious work, and you have to go full-on warrior mother sometimes; it's not as easy as some think.

Original poster
SimonSaidIt · 05/01/2026 12:58

See, this is my worry. I have another friend who has secured a place for her son. She fought and fought, and in my untrained opinion, her son’s needs are not as severe as this child’s.

My friends son is destructive in his play, breaking toys etc through not using them in the intended way, but is very much harmless to other children. I encouraged his mum to push for a meeting at least once a term. She hadn’t even been told what his targets were or what he was working on. My other friend, who’s child now has his SEN place, was aware of what targets they were working on, was trying to reinforce the same stuff at home etc, and that was whilst her son was in mainstream. I feel sorry for my friends son who is not being given the same chance to succeed. I’m not blaming my friend for this. I just think as long as school aren’t complaining about anything, she is happy to plod along and believes he will catch up with his peers. I’m just fearful in case this negatively impacts her son.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 05/01/2026 13:00

I think you’re right when you say it’s not your business

FrightfulNightfull · 05/01/2026 13:01

OP I have a non verbal child.
You could give her all the homework you want but she couldn’t do it.

If you had a child in a special school (as I do) you would KNOW that there is mostly a play/therapy arrangement- not fucking phonics or homework. How would either make him “progress”?

What is it you think needs to be progressed?

Some children in special schools may “progress” but I don’t know what you think is going to happen.. it depends why the child is nonverbal in the first place!

I don’t know why my DD cannot speak- possibly it’s owing to cranial nerve damage.
Possibly autism. Kind of hard to know when she can’t do any standard tests for autism or for intellectual disability.

If you think you can teach or support your way out of non verbal communication you are a bit naive, to put it both bluntly and mildly.

My DD has a specialist SALT (council provided) and none of the measures she uses is going to make DD talk(coherently). Whatever caused her to be profoundly disabled at birth has presumably caused her to be unable to speak clearly or much.

If your friend’s son can use PECs or other adaptive technology he is slightly better than my DD and can begin communication.

But I don’t think mainstream school is a bad place for him if he isn’t intellectually or physically disabled. If he is autistic he can be doing just fine in mainstream school if he can use a system to communicate.

What exacts is it that you think he would gain at a special school that he wouldn’t at mainstream school?

If his speech could be helped with a SALT then he could have sessions privately and/or via an EHCP .. but you know sometimes people are nonverbal FOR LIFE.

Is this a family member’s child by any chance?

x2boys · 05/01/2026 13:09

Icecreamandcoffee · 05/01/2026 12:44

It takes an iron will and hours and hours of advocating and navigating the system to get a place at an SEN school. It's pretty much a full time job to ensure an EHCP is enforced, jumping through the hoops and often going to court is required to get a place. It's cheaper for the LA to name a mainstream and will push for mainstream to the end no matter how unsuitable the placement is for the child.

Only the most severe children or with parents with the time, energy and education level to navigate the system get places. If mum is happy with his provision at mainstream then it is unlikely he will be offered a place at an SEN school. Unless he is severely dangerous to his peers or teaching staff or has very complex medical needs which require a lot of special management then the school is also unlikely to push for a place. Even if he falls incredibly far behind his peers unless mum really engages it's likely they will increase his 1:1 hours and keep in mainstream. It may mean that secondary options become limited but again most local authorities are mainstream at all costs.

Edited

Thats not necessarily true it csn be very area dependent in My LA we have two SEN primary schools and two SEN high school and various autism Hubs and several PRU,s all of the special schools have doubled in capacity over the past 10/15 years due to the growing needs of children.

Kirbert2 · 05/01/2026 13:12

FrightfulNightfull · 05/01/2026 13:01

OP I have a non verbal child.
You could give her all the homework you want but she couldn’t do it.

If you had a child in a special school (as I do) you would KNOW that there is mostly a play/therapy arrangement- not fucking phonics or homework. How would either make him “progress”?

What is it you think needs to be progressed?

Some children in special schools may “progress” but I don’t know what you think is going to happen.. it depends why the child is nonverbal in the first place!

I don’t know why my DD cannot speak- possibly it’s owing to cranial nerve damage.
Possibly autism. Kind of hard to know when she can’t do any standard tests for autism or for intellectual disability.

If you think you can teach or support your way out of non verbal communication you are a bit naive, to put it both bluntly and mildly.

My DD has a specialist SALT (council provided) and none of the measures she uses is going to make DD talk(coherently). Whatever caused her to be profoundly disabled at birth has presumably caused her to be unable to speak clearly or much.

If your friend’s son can use PECs or other adaptive technology he is slightly better than my DD and can begin communication.

But I don’t think mainstream school is a bad place for him if he isn’t intellectually or physically disabled. If he is autistic he can be doing just fine in mainstream school if he can use a system to communicate.

What exacts is it that you think he would gain at a special school that he wouldn’t at mainstream school?

If his speech could be helped with a SALT then he could have sessions privately and/or via an EHCP .. but you know sometimes people are nonverbal FOR LIFE.

Is this a family member’s child by any chance?

My son is physically disabled and is thriving in mainstream with a EHCP and 2:1 TA support.

Which is a good job considering he'd have no hope of getting a place in any of the nearby SEN schools.

Bunnycat101 · 05/01/2026 13:12

It’s not always as simple as mainstream v specialist as there will be a lot of variation. My daughter’s primary has been amazing for children with physical disabilities but pretty shit at dealing with kids with adhd and autism. My friend’s primary has a dedicated Sen unit and seems to provide a much better experience for those children.

I’d also suggest that your friend has already had to fight to get a 1:1 in place.

RedFrogs · 05/01/2026 13:15

Icecreamandcoffee · 05/01/2026 12:44

It takes an iron will and hours and hours of advocating and navigating the system to get a place at an SEN school. It's pretty much a full time job to ensure an EHCP is enforced, jumping through the hoops and often going to court is required to get a place. It's cheaper for the LA to name a mainstream and will push for mainstream to the end no matter how unsuitable the placement is for the child.

Only the most severe children or with parents with the time, energy and education level to navigate the system get places. If mum is happy with his provision at mainstream then it is unlikely he will be offered a place at an SEN school. Unless he is severely dangerous to his peers or teaching staff or has very complex medical needs which require a lot of special management then the school is also unlikely to push for a place. Even if he falls incredibly far behind his peers unless mum really engages it's likely they will increase his 1:1 hours and keep in mainstream. It may mean that secondary options become limited but again most local authorities are mainstream at all costs.

Edited

This.

It’s normally an extremely lengthy and all consuming battle for a SEN school placement. Unless the school don’t think they can meet needs or parents think it’s needed and are fully prepared to fight for it then it’s not something I’d involve myself in if I was you.

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 05/01/2026 13:20

Not your child, not your place to say which school is best for him.

He might be very intelligent, sen schools tend to work best for children with learning disabilities so maybe he wouldnt learn anything there

JLou08 · 05/01/2026 13:22

He sounds like my DS. My DS does have targets and I'm pretty sure the child your referring to will as it's highly unlikely he would have 1:1 without and EHCP which is sent directly to parents. Maybe your friend choses not to discuss details with you as she senses that you think you know better than her.
I think if any of my friends or family seen the work my DS produced in his mainstream school they would be shocked. Non-verbal does not mean that they are incapable of progress in a mainstream school. If you interact with my DS in the right way you could see that he is at the age appropriate level for numeracy and not far off in reading. Whilst in mainstream school he has progressed so much and he loves going.

godmum56 · 05/01/2026 13:26

Coconutter24 · 05/01/2026 13:00

I think you’re right when you say it’s not your business

This.

liamharha · 05/01/2026 13:29

SimonSaidIt · 05/01/2026 12:25

My very good friends son is non verbal (bar a select couple of phrases) and he is 7 years old. He has a diagnosis of autism and goes to mainstream school. He has had several 1:1 and the parents have little communication with the school, other than parents evening. From what my friend says, he spends his time with his 1:1, and she doesn’t get any updates on the work they do together. Her son doesn’t receive reading books or picture books from school or any type of homework.

Friend feels confident that he will make progress, and doesn’t think he would benefit from attending a SEN school. I’ve never worked in a school but have some personal experience of SEN and am worried in case he isn’t accessing the right education to help him make progress.

I think my friend is in denial about his needs and I’m concerned that it’s so hard to get places in these schools. If he’s not on a waitlist yet, I’d imagine it’ll be harder down the line?

I know it’s not my business. I just wondered if it’s likely that his school will encourage the parents to apply? I’m just so shocked that aren’t pushing for this, and suppose I’m worried the school could be failing the child.

Again, I know it’s not my business. I care very much for my friend and her gorgeous boy and just hope all turns out okay for them.

Depends on her sons needs .
Getting a Sen school is a nightmare trust me we managed to get my daughter into one as she wasn't coping with 1;1 or even 2:1 she was to disruptive.
Sounds like your friends little boys is coping with 1:1 he will progress at his own rate and aslong as his parents and 1;1 are happy he's copi5its not really your place to make these judgments as you prob have no idea what the reasoning is for the support he has .

Branleuse · 05/01/2026 13:34

Your friend is going to have to navigate the broken system for her child. The only way that she could get him into a sen school was if there was no mainstream school that could meet his needs. If he is being contained and supported OK by LSAs currently, then the school won't be able to claim that they can't keep him.
Lots of children with fairly high support needs can actually manage well in mainstream primary, but secondary might require more support.
SEN schools are probably not what you think either.
My local one has doubled in size and way over capacity, and the LEA still force them to make room. Quite honestly they can no longer provide a therapeutic environment.

This is such a massive issue OP.
I know you mean well , but comments about applying for a sen school and sending him there, show that you don't know anything about the system and how insane it is and the massive crisis in SEN education, or you're not up to date on it.
Her child has the right to be at his current school and if the placement breaks down, only then could she get the ball rolling about alternative placements.

OuiOuiMonAmi · 05/01/2026 13:50

SimonSaidIt · 05/01/2026 12:58

See, this is my worry. I have another friend who has secured a place for her son. She fought and fought, and in my untrained opinion, her son’s needs are not as severe as this child’s.

My friends son is destructive in his play, breaking toys etc through not using them in the intended way, but is very much harmless to other children. I encouraged his mum to push for a meeting at least once a term. She hadn’t even been told what his targets were or what he was working on. My other friend, who’s child now has his SEN place, was aware of what targets they were working on, was trying to reinforce the same stuff at home etc, and that was whilst her son was in mainstream. I feel sorry for my friends son who is not being given the same chance to succeed. I’m not blaming my friend for this. I just think as long as school aren’t complaining about anything, she is happy to plod along and believes he will catch up with his peers. I’m just fearful in case this negatively impacts her son.

Unless I've missed it, the child in question sounds like he doesn't have an ECHP. If he doesn't, it's perfectly normal to not have targets - targets come from having an ECHP, which the child with a SEN place will have.

Nothing in your OP makes me think anything is unusual except that he isn't given reading books. Everything else seems perfectly normal. For example, you say that his mum doesn't get any information about what they've been working on that day - neither does any other child in a mainstream school! You might get termly newsletters or the teacher may use an online diary, but no teacher has time to send individual reports about what's happened with individual children that day.

Upstartled · 05/01/2026 13:52

Yeah, people love that, to be told by an uneducated friend that they should be doing something extra for their kid to achieve a thing they have a vague idea might be better for them though some process they have no idea about. Why not just shout "Do Better!" at her and see if that helps?

xterde · 05/01/2026 13:57

I think the first thing you could encourage your friend to do is improve communication with the school- teams it as school should be keeping her more informed. A communication book filled out daily would be good for this. Then your friend will be more aware of wether her child's needs are being met or not.

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