To think my 4.5 yo should be able to play by herself for a bit?

[Awbiscuits]

Today is the last day of the school holidays and I'm totally drained from the last 2 weeks. I just want to sit on the sofa and be left alone but 4.5yo just doesn't seem able to entertain herself even for an hour. Is it unreasonable to expect her to?

She's had company the entire school holidays - DH and I have been off work the whole time and we've done days out, board game afternoons, played her pretend games, crafts etc. She's had friends over a few times. We've also got a slightly unique family set up in that our 5yo nephew spends a lot of time with us as his parents are quite dysfunctional so it's not as if she spends a lot of time without a playmate despite being an only child. However he is a very independent player and will set himself up with the playmobil or lego happily for hours, DD then gets cross that he won't play her game and starts antagonising him until he either gives in and plays or an argument breaks out.

She got so many new toys and bits for Christmas yet she's spending the afternoon following me around whining that she's bored and wants to watch TV or wants me to do xyZ with her.

Someone please tell me how I go about getting her to entertain herself for short periods?! I used to spend hours playing with my playmobil when I was a kid and hated other people joining in so I just don't get it!

Ps full disclaimer I love my child with my entire being and spend loads of time with her, I just need some time to myself!!

Stick a film on. Have a break.

Is independent play something that you encouraged her to do since she was much younger? If so, then yes, she should be able to. If not, then she hasn't developed those skills and telling her to do it isn't going to change that.
It's a bit like expecting a teenager to start helping out with chores when they reach some arbitrary age despite the fact that they were never shown and taught those skills to begin with.
As a short term solution and to give yourself a break, absolutely stick her in front of a telly. In the longer term, daisy chain independent play backwards starting with setting up activities and playing "alongside", stepping away for a few minutes at a time and working all the way up towards independent choice of activities and play.

Also worth to keep reminding her that being bored is good. It allows space for creativity. Nothing whatsoever wrong with letting her be bored for extended periods of time so long as you break through the habit of her following you around expecting entertainment.

She needs to get comfortable with being bored and learn to play alone. Just leave her to play alone sometimes, she will soon get used to it and stop pestering you.

Probably not to be honest!

She's been in nursery since age 1 so weekends and evenings have always been precious and we've tried to spend as much time with her as possible. She started school in September so this is actually the longest we've all spent together at home (excluding holidays) ever, which actually is a pretty big realisation.

That would be why. And it should help your frustration to realise that it's not deliberate on her part. She simply doesn't know how.
Not to advocate for your nephew's upbringing but the fact that he can play independently is probably due his dysfunctional parents not spending much time with him and not providing activities and entertainment 24/7. So he had to learn independent play.
You are now aware of the problem. Spend a little time developing a solution and you'll have an independent child in no time at all.

Op, children are very different, but at four and a half, an hour’s solo play is asking a lot - you’d be lucky to get twenty minutes! You need to start off playing with her - show her, for example, how to make a “story” with the Playmobil. Then get her to do it. Then leave her for five minutes and come back. It’s very unrealistic to expect her to go from no solo play to an hour. As for “I just need some time to myself”, you get that when she goes to bed. As she gets older, she will become more independent - but she has to learn how to do it.

Now I understand why my DM would and out chores anytime I suggested I was bored. I could usually suddenly think of something else to do.

DM never ‘played’ though from a very young age she would set up up doing a version of what she did. I expect whatever I accomplished had to be redone but it established that chores were the only activities on offer.

it’s really good for children to be bored and learn to entertain themselves.

I find if you're busy doing something they will naturally drift away and entertain themselves

Stop engaging so much

Oh God not this again. Very few 4 year olds sit motionless and ‘watch a film’ for 2 hours. Mine watch for 10 minutes then wander off bored. It’s like baking, in real life a total disaster but it sounds so nice on here.

My 5 year old really isn’t good at playing independently either - and I did all the things you’re supposed to from an early age, it’s still just not her thing. We probably do lean a bit too much on tv when we need a break if I’m really honest, but I also find getting her set up with something then stepping away is the best chance, occasionally I’ll do a sort of half involved thing like write/ draw her a list of things to find around the house. She’ll go off and do that, and then might be interested enough to make her own list ‘for daddy’ when he gets back - note not for me 😂

Yes she should. Mine is 4 and a half and plays by himself. He’s playing by himself now before bed. I’ll call him in 15 minutes to come play a board game with us before bed, but he’s been playing alone for the past hour, since he finished his dinner.

You have to want them to do it and stick to your guns. Let them get bored and figure it out. It’s so important for children to feel boredom- that’s how they learn to get creative.

DH and I have been off work the whole time and we've done days out, board game afternoons, played her pretend games, crafts etc

I just need some time to myself!!

If there are two of you, why are you not getting any time to yourself?

I watched a reel the other day where they showed a small toddler building with bricks. And the parent talked about how they fight their instinct to go and talk to them about it/help build etc. Making the point that actually we want them to learn to play independently and why are we distracting them when they are trying to do something. That actually if I was trying to do my job and you came along and started talking about it, it could be pretty annoying.

It definitely made me think about how we interact with kids productively. I can totally see that a parent with relatively little downtime with kids ends up with a lot of very structured activities.

Obviously not saying we shouldn't play with or talk to kids, but we should also let them be independent. Of course they'll get right into something just as we need them out the door...

Totally agree with this. Whenever my son is absorbed playing by himself I don’t go anywhere near him. There are plenty of times in the day when we come together to bake or play or do some crafts. But if he’s in his little zone I think adults interrupting that flow state is the worst thing you can do. Definitely best to leave them in peace.

As pp says, it'll be this.

It's a skill all NT babies are born with, but it's a use it or lose it situation. If she hasn't had to entertain herself then the skills are gone. She can't do it.

You need to teach her. Start with parallel play, where she does something alongside you, with your input but not with you actively participating. Short bursts, 5/10 mins. It will work best if you're busy doing something else. For example, you're preparing dinner and she's colouring in at the table. Chat with her, give her ideas, partake but don't sit with her and don't colour. Just be there to support her play. Slowly build from here. It will work best if it's at regular times, for example every dinner time she HAS to play by herself, she will get into much easier when it's a reliable part of the routine.

When she says "I'm bored" the answer is "That's ok! It's good to be bored it helps you learn to be creative".

That's not quite true. Some kids can watch a film at four and some can't. But it's simply not true to say that 'very few four year olds' can.

I'd say it's about 50/50 ime.

My current charges (I'm a nanny) are one of each. One who would sit motionless watching TV for ever if he was allowed to. The other one would at four (and still now) always be doing something else, TV on but always building/doing a jigsaw/colouring whilst watching.

Absolutely right.

Maria Montessori said "as soon as concentration has begun act as if the child doesn't exist".

Mine was like this. Drove me mental.

Later diagnosed adhd.

I tried EVERY fucking thing to make her play independently. Everything.

She should. Allow her to be bored but make sure she has toys available, explain to her she needs to find something to do on her own for a bit. It’s important for children to be bored: it’s how they learn to become independent and grow creatively.

Child dependant, my eldest even now at 7 only plays independently for minutes at a time, he has started drawing more though and will spend 10/15 mins doing an intricate drawing then come tell me about it, that's quite nice because it gives me time to make a cuppa/do the dishes/get dinner on.

My 4 yr old from 2ish would take herself off to play babies or school or set up her happy land toys. I remember her taking her brother's robot an dher baby doll out out to the kitchen, she won't even have been 2 and sitting on the stool, baby on lap, robot beside her and when I asked what she was doing after a few minutes of her just sitting she said 'we're just taking the bus to the nursery to drop my toddler off' nodding at the robot toddler. At 4 she'll get out playdoh, kinetic sand, paints and markers, dollhouse, Polly pocket, she sets her babies up dance classes, she's really really good at playing.

Eldest in Neurodivergent, youngest I'm certain is neurotypical.

I don’t agree with stick her in front of the telly, that won’t help her learn the skills she needs to play independently. Instead, set her up a little tea party for her dolls or teddies and when she’s engaged tell her you’re just going to sort laundry or whatever it is you need to do, but you will come back. You could do the same with her PlayMobil etc. Start giving her ideas and let her build on them.

That’s interesting.

I do occasionally wonder about DD, the ND is strong on her dad’s side of the family and there’s a few things that make me wonder, though she presents very typically in other ways.

I taught this age group for many years, have an MA in Education specialising in Early Years, and really have tried everything including all the usual advice as featured here. She plays really well with other children and incredibly well with us, she has a fantastic imagination and comes up with great games, stories and ideas. She just needs more than one person for them always!

Yep. Identical.

I just used to want to cry!

Shes 19 now and still gets bored really easily and always wants company.

My daughter was the same at that age, plenty of cousins and friends to play with, but as soon as they were gone she wanted my full attention, and mostly got it! I was a single parent neither of us had anyone else to bounce off. Days seemed like weeks. Didn't help that I am quite introverted and treasured time alone with books. Then when she was about eight I took her for a riding lesson and hardly ever saw her after that!! She practically lived at the local stables.Ponies were her life and 20 years later she has worked with them and has 2 of her own. The only downside was the expense as I wasn't well off, but the peace I had was worth it. So maybe try and find her passion or a hobby which fascinates her.

Some people say it can be cultivated (most often by parents who have a kid who is good at solo play and credit their own parenting). I don’t think so, I think it’s nature and you’ve got the kid you’ve got. I have twins – one is excellent at solo play and the other does not tolerate it one bit. They’ve had the exact same environments and treatment since birth.