To think my 4.5 yo should be able to play by herself for a bit?

[Awbiscuits]

Today is the last day of the school holidays and I'm totally drained from the last 2 weeks. I just want to sit on the sofa and be left alone but 4.5yo just doesn't seem able to entertain herself even for an hour. Is it unreasonable to expect her to?

She's had company the entire school holidays - DH and I have been off work the whole time and we've done days out, board game afternoons, played her pretend games, crafts etc. She's had friends over a few times. We've also got a slightly unique family set up in that our 5yo nephew spends a lot of time with us as his parents are quite dysfunctional so it's not as if she spends a lot of time without a playmate despite being an only child. However he is a very independent player and will set himself up with the playmobil or lego happily for hours, DD then gets cross that he won't play her game and starts antagonising him until he either gives in and plays or an argument breaks out.

She got so many new toys and bits for Christmas yet she's spending the afternoon following me around whining that she's bored and wants to watch TV or wants me to do xyZ with her.

Someone please tell me how I go about getting her to entertain herself for short periods?! I used to spend hours playing with my playmobil when I was a kid and hated other people joining in so I just don't get it!

Ps full disclaimer I love my child with my entire being and spend loads of time with her, I just need some time to myself!!

Cool. Doesn’t change my opinion.

You have to promote independent play. If she’s had activities organised for every moment of the day and not allowed to entertain her self of course she not going to know how to play by herself. Independent play is such an important part of development. It helps with imagination, concentration, creativity and so on.

Actually, I think I should briefly elaborate (can’t to much extent as I’m not in the position to). Some children can get improve to some extent if it doesn’t come naturally to them, but some children will always struggle regardless of intervention.

Working with children you can tell a mile off the ones that have their entire lives organised by adults. They don’t see the adult as their own person- just a big plaything to entertain them.

Its a skill children must learn.
You need to be gentle but firm.
She needs to entertain herself.
I have known children like yours and believe me it gets worse not better.
They become more and more demanding during primary school.
I knew a few mothers like this and they didn't seem to get THEY were a big part of the problem.

You are 100% entitled to have a lazy day, but you have to insist upon it.
Make it your goal for 2026.

Infact I would be telling her we will reduce the things we do if she doesn't accept that she needs to entertain herself an play herself.
Its a life skill that she needs to practice.
Direct her to her toys.
I used to sit with my children for 10-15 minutes when they were 3 or so and let them set up lego, dolls, cars etc., and then tell them I had jobs to do.

You have to push through and be firm IMO.

Neither of my dc would have played independently for an hour at 4. It doesn't seem that realistic to me. I tended to get more peace of they had a friend over or I took them to soft play.

They absolutely grew into it as they got older without any difficulties though. So I wouldn't worry!

Yes they should have the ability to play but I don't agree with your view that parenting makes the personality. Some children will instinctively play, some are more needy, this is very much their innate nature. People who say their children are different arent lying, i have twins who could have been raised on different planets. How it is dealt with is down to parenting. Sometimes a child needs to be really pushed, that is difficult to do.

Some kids play in a very high energy physical way. They could spend 4 hours in a ditch or among trees or messing in the mud. But society these days doesn't allow them do this unless a parent stands there watching, which is obviously impossible. In previous generations they would be gone all day and probably be happy contented children. Instead they are restricted and boisterous and wreck the house and act up, if you have a child like this parents can't win.

You’ll get replies saying it’s not in the parents’ control and that if you have a child who plays independently you just got lucky. It was nothing to do with your approach.

My 4 year old did the “play with me” thing for a bit yesterday but I had things to do. I stick to my guns and he played happily for a couple of hours. He had to find something to do- there was no choice. He built with his magnet tiles, sat with his books a while, made up a game with his cars and trains. When I was done I didn’t interrupt him- he was in full flow chatting away in a make-believe game. I never interrupt that unless it’s urgent. So I had a cup of tea and read my book. When he appeared again we baked biscuits together, read books, and played some board games.

I think of my dad’s generation- it’s unimaginable that a mother would have said “oh he just cannot play without me”. Well, no, he’d be left to get on with it or go out and find friends to play with. I’m not saying fling them onto the street at 4 years old, I’m saying it proves that a bit of benign neglect is good for them. Tom Hodgkinson writes about this in “The Idle Parent”.

Too many parents don’t know how to be their own person anymore and just jump the second their children demand it.

Thank you all for the advice and also the solidarity!

Thing is I would have definitely said she is imaginative and creative - she comes up with all her own role play games and ideas for things to make/draw etc. She just wants me there with her. For example she will create a school for her dolls upstairs and want me, DH or DN to just sit on the floor wjth them while she pretends to be the teacher. She even wants me to come to the toilet with her. I think it's the independent bit she struggled with rather than the play.

Absolutely, children with additional needs will always struggle more than children without. It's just important to remember that ALL children will feel the benefit of parenting that is tailored to them and NO child should be written off with 'they were born like that/it isn't possible for them/you get the child you get so there's no point in trying'.

On this specific issue, playing independently, and on almost every other issue the child's outcome will be a mix of what they born with and the parenting/interventions they've received. It definitely comes easier to some, but they can all be encouraged to make progress.

To your earlier point, that me pointing out that you're wrong hasn't changed your mind, that's fine. Lots and lots of people struggle to change their mind even when the evidence that they're wrong is clear. Take flat earthers as an example! I'm not trying to change your mind, just correcting inaccuracies with facts. It's entirely up to you what you do with it.

Parenting doesn’t make the core personality. But parenting will determine whether a child can cope with “nothing” to do or will get on with playing independently when their parent tells them to toddle off.

We’re outdoors a lot. An awful lot. My 4 year old needs to be out in nature. In half an hour we’re getting wrapped up and going out for a hike. But at the moment I’m having a cup of tea and time to myself while he plays by himself. Later we’ll be out for a hike and a picnic and this evening we’ll come together to do some activities. Children need a balance of quality time with their parents, and to learn how to just be by themselves.

@Somehowgirl completely agree with you.
My eldest was the toughest to crack but I did it.
I really wasn't a sit on the floor for hours mother.
I didn't want to do it.
We did lots together but being on the floor playing cars would have been too much for me.
So I set him up, gave him 15 minutes and that was it.
Yes I pushed it.
He got used to it.
Sometimes I would wander in give him lots of praise and again crack on with whatever.

Its a bit like learning to self soothe and get themselves off to sleep, a life skill.

You have a great starting point. She has a wonderful imagination. You just need to slowly build up the amount of time she’s playing by herself. And if she’s in the zone happily playing, never interrupt her if you don’t absolutely need to.

Some things you have to say no to. She’s 4, tell her to go to the toilet by herself.

Make yourself boring - just say I'm not moving from here for 1 hr/I'm taking a nap/reading a book, you can also threaten with chores. You'll get there!

Stick to it too - DC has incredible ability to whine - sometimes for hours - about being bored. But it sometimes does take a good few hours and he does find something to do! Sometimes it's even stuff I want him to do like read a book/maths. It makes me think he's TOO well entertained and needs to be bored enough to pick up a book. After that it's hard to get his attention again.

Oh god absolutely, there’s not a chance in hell I’m sitting on the floor playing imaginary games. That’s a child’s domain. Some parents love it and good for them, but they still need to allow the child to develop the skill of independent play. We do so many things to spend quality time together- get outdoors, trips to the library, baking, crafts, swimming, reading, playdoh. Allowing my child to drag me about from one imaginary game to the next is harmful to his development and, I firmly believe, truly negative to his perception of me as a separate person. My son knows that I’m my own person with a life and my own interests.

I agree.

My DD isn't good at independent play. (That's not fair maybe - we do see glimpses of it now, probably starting in the last 6 months or so since she turned 5. But an hour would still be beyond her). She's great at play in general - if she has a friend or her cousins round I can easily not see/ hear from her for hours. If she had a sibling I don't think I'd have even picked up on how much she struggles with it. Everyone from her childminder, through Early Years teachers and now Year One teacher comment on her imagination, her ability to think up games and how well she plays with other children.

When we play with her at home, we are not being 'performing monkeys', we will sometimes direct the play e.g. 'we're going to play a board game now' and other times allow her to lead, and again she can think of great ideas, tons of imagination and creativity.

She's just incredibly social and seems to need a lot of input/ feedback and someone to bounce off. Partly an only child thing, partly just her personality - she's extroverted and very much a people person (unlike her dad and I!) All children are 'wired to play', but they're not 'wired to play' in the same way at all. My daughter is just not interested in sitting by herself building lego, drawing or messing about with little figures. I've provided all those opportunities and resources, but she will turn them into a shop and then want you to come and buy something, turn the magna tiles into an x-ray machine and then beg you to pretend you've hurt your foot. The way she plays is by doing role play, creating stories with other people, taking on different roles.

Of course I keep going, encouraging her and trying to build the skill. We do have boundaries, and I do say no, I'm not playing now etc. I've been doing that since she was tiny and what I'm saying is that it hasn't miraculously turned her into a child who can play by herself for hours - she still just keeps asking or trying to argue with you or gets upset and says she hates being on her own, to the point that enforcing the boundary is as much bloody work as just playing with her sometimes (and yes I still do persist). And sometimes we fall into the trap of saying 'sod it, just let her watch TV for an hour' because we're human and busy and tired. I still maintain it's unfair to OP, and to other parents with similar children, to say that if your child isn't great at independent play it's because you've not taught the skill and it's lazy parenting. As with any skill - some are going to need a lot more help than others.

I do think less is more. If you're enjoying time with your kid ie doing stuff you want then you actually want to spend MORE time with them. I think most kids are happier to be at home with parents (even if they're not interacting much) than being sent to a camp and forced to do things for "fun".

My DC1 was not good at independent play at 4, always wanted me. It only changed when DC2 became mobile, and then the drive to play on his own (and I would keep DC2 away so as not to spoil his Lego etc), exceed his drive to want me as a playmate. If it wasn’t for DC2, it would have been much harder to encourage/enforce independent play.

@AliasGrape your daughter sounds just like mine!

Her nursery days were much longer with no half terms so she basically has always had a whole pack of other children on tap, and on weekends and on holidays she's always had us (and often DN) because we made time together a priority. Possibly to our own detriment.

We've also had to cram all our chores into the weekend so she's always come to the supermarket with me, done the housework with me etc. I guess they could have been opportinies for me to build up her independent play time skills but it honestly just never occurred to me, she's always loved to help and I've always enjoyed her company. And it's usually been when we would meet up with friends/family. I'm just realising how little downtime we actually have where we've just done nothing!

She has lots of time outside as we have energetic dogs that need a good walk every day and she's always come with us, first in the pram and now she walks/rides her bike. She's usually pretty happy to do this as well. She just loves company and talking non stop!

I think we’re splitting hairs a bit because I’m not elaborating, but when I say it nature and kids ‘are the way they are’, I mean if they are going to struggle with it from the get go, that’s likely nature and intervention is needed – to what degree that’s successful will be down to a mixture of things.

I only bring up my twins as one is very naturally inclined for solo play and one isn’t, despite having same environment, interaction from early years etc etc – by which my meaning is that parents shouldn’t feel as if they have done anything wrong when it first becomes apparent.

@Somehowgirl I agree with you re imaginary play, I never did it much either.

As often as not when a parent and child do this, the parent instinctively leads, or perhaps the child follows, either way the child isn't fully engaged with their own imagination. Children play imaginatively to learn how to cope with different scenarios, to become less ego centric because they see things from their 'character's' perspective. They also play because it's something they control and there is little else they can control in their lives. It gives them a sense of self and empowers them. Anyone who is being harassed to play and feels guilty saying no, I think it's worth remembering you are doing your child a massive favour by letting them develop those skills alone because you can't develop them for them, only facilitate it.

can she read or colour?

get her to do that next to you quietly? Or a toy of her choice. Get her a little watch or gro clock to look at and start giving her goals to play until the big hand gets to the number.

start having independent play time daily to get her used to it. Even when you want to get involved resist the urge.

i wouldn’t stick on a film, unless desperate. Boredom is fine. If she won’t play that’s fine but it’s ok to expect quiet for a few moments and to give her goals to be quiet daily. Everything at this age is a learned skill, you are not a performer you don’t need to be on 247

My 1 year old and 2 year old can both manage independent play but for short periods (5-10 minutes for the 1 year old max, 10-15 minutes for 2 year old). However, it can't be forced on them (they sort of have to be allowed to get absorbed in some activity) just softly encouraged (e.g. I tend to make sure I am sorting out a bunch of household tasks and in the area but not 100% available....). I've done this with them since they were tiny and i see my eldest getting better and better but even the 1 year old can "read" books for a surprising amount of time. Less toys also helps a lot. After christmas they were doing badly - then i sorted the christmas toys into the toy rotation so there were less and they got better. I'm not at the stage where i can do something like read a book (my dream but they see me on the phone or kindle and will instantly attack me) but i can get household chores done :)

This thread had got me thinking @Awbiscuits , as you know I posted about it being a struggle for my DD too.

I decided that since we were back to school Monday it was a good a time as any to focus in on this again. We have gone back to 30 mins max tv time a day, never before school. I've got the timer out again to show her visually as well.

I set up a little box of newish things that came for Christmas but haven't had much of a look in, a little lego kit with instructions, some paper, pens, glue stick, stickers, tape, scissors, a packet of blu tac! A tin of mini magna tiles which were new, and this sensory toy. - stuff I'll swap out or add to but keeping it a small, manageable amount. She chose to put two bouncy balls in which she's enjoying using at the moment she likes to roll them and make up games. I've been giving set times (after school when she's had a snack/ catch up with me I usually need to either finish up some work or start dinner etc so that's the main time), and telling her that's when she gets her special box. First day I set her up and we looked at it all together, but then let her get on with it.

Only been 2 days so far - first day I only left her for 15 mins then came back, yesterday we got about 25 mins out of it, then she asked for her TV time but I noticed went back to it and was ignoring the TV so I turned it off again. She did try to show me stuff, asked 'can you help me' a few times but we'll keep going with it.

So yeah, I'm sure I've not cracked it we're only 2 days in, but just wanted to share in case it was helpful or something you wanted to try! I've obviously done similar in the past, but I definitely think having all her toys and everything to choose from is overwhelming, and she's always been a child that loves just a box of random stuff. We also keep all the junk from magazines and party bags etc in boxes (I call them tat boxes) and breaking one of those out every so often has always been a good way to keep her engaged for a little while!