To feel sad for my son

[PeculiarScenarioNo52]

My ds (19) is a really good lad. He has a girlfriend of the same age. They have been together for 2.5 years after meeting at a sporting event.
The problem lies in the fact that her family are loaded. They think nothing of spending £1k on a night out. That's a months' rent for me!
The financial disparity is proving tricky in the relationship.

Her dad just spent thousands of pounds taking the family away for a break over xmas (including my son). He has seen 'how the other half live' and I'm feeling sad for him that we don't have that kind of lifestyle.

I am disabled, but work, with top ups from Universal Credit. He is currently out off work due to injury, hoping to get a new job very soon. He also claims UC, but this really is only a short term thing. His last job had to let him go due to the injury.

He has had a really lovely time, but was constantly worried that he would be asked to pay for more than one round of drinks, as that wiped out his money for the trip!

Should I have a word with his gf and explain that he can't afford to do the sort of things she takes for granted (inc shopping at Waitrose, we definitely have an Aldi budget!) or just leave it. I've told ds to send her dad a thank you card, rather than just send a text. I think that would be better appreciated.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. I just feel for him and also (although it's not about me) I feel like I've let my family down.

Just leave it. Some people are richer than others. We all know this by the time we reach your sons age and that if we're at the unfortunate end of wealth inequality we can't spend as much as the privileged ones.
The main aim here should be to make sure your son feels no shame or embarrassment and knows he's not inferior to these people. Hopefully he does know this and so does his GF.
Encourage your son to express his appreciation of the family's generosity to him, but never to apologise that he's less fortunate than them.

You have not let anyone down, please don't feel sad for him.

The family sound generous but obviously they aren't aware that a small cost for them (round of drinks) is still too much for someone on a tight budget. That is understandable and indeed tricky to navigate.

I think it is something your DS needs to work out; that is not your job.

But what is going on for you? Are you afraid that he will grow away from you because of this taste of a different lifestyle? Could it be that you think he might want to spend less time with you? How do you feel in general about your standard of living (when not comparing with others) - are you satisfied with it overall?

You would be mad to have a word with the girlfriend, it would be a huge overstep. Your son is 19, and adult, and managing things fine. You will make everyone feel uncomfortable if you speak to her.

This, don't interfere. Your son is an adult and needs to learn to manage this in a way that works for him.

Im sure his girlfriend is aware of his finances you don't need to get involved

I would stay right out of this!

He has to decide how best to deal with it.

I am sure you have brought him up well and he knows how hard you have worked to keep things afloat.

Agree with this -
support him to be earning -
he’s young and needs to be working / earning,
to what extent is he injured ? Is he able to do some form of paid employment ??

By the way - don't feel sad! YOU have given him so much that is not necessarily material and is all the more valuable for that.

Absolutely not appropriate to have a word with the girlfriend.

this is your son’s situation to manage

You don’t need to mention anything, that’s not for you to get involved in.

He needs to get into work asap. That’s his best way of increasing his income and improving his outlook, rather than comparing to her.

It sounds like you're projecting your insecurities on him. Is he as bothered about the disparity as you are?
There's a disparity in the wealth of my family and DH, although nothing like this one, we wouldn't spend 1k on a night out. My family paid for most of the wedding and have paid for holidays and household items. On the other hand, DHs family haven't paid for anything and often lend money from us. There's never been any expectation for DH or his family to contribute financially, my family do it because they can afford it and they want to, there's no judgement or expectation for it to be matched.
Do not talk to the girlfriend, it will be very embarrassing for her and your son and may create an uncomfortable feeling that doesn't need to be there.

I don't think you should talk to his girlfriend. I believe the family is aware of your son's current situation, and that might be one of the reasons they invited him on the trip.

I hope your son recovers quickly.

Has the gf ever given any indication that she expects you to splash out on her? She knows that people who aren't rich exist, and after 2.5 years she'll have noticed that you're one of them. Presumably told her parents too. It sounds like she loves DS for himself; don't worry about it.

I’m wondering if I know these people, the couple I know feel their daughter is a bit flighty and rather spoiled (IMO a problem of their making). They really like the boyfriend as he is very grounded and sensible. Maybe her family values your son’s character?

Definitely this. People from different backgrounds can be very enriching and ground someone when they're privileged.

Don't ever feel guilty for not having wealth.

Oh he's well aware he needs to work, he buggered his right arm. He is very frustrated. If the next course of treatment doesn't work, he'll need an operation which will be another 6 weeks out of work. He was working in a job with lots of prospects but involved a lot of lifting, so his boss had to let him go. He hadn't been there long enough for sick pay.

PeachHiker , this is what I told him actually, that he's really grounded and sensible.
Amusingly, he came back saying how impractical they all are, how they can't function normally, so much faffing!(Lighthearted) . We are very down to earth, just get on with it type of people. No faffing!

He's had a lovely time, just happy to be home.

I have been in this situation - I grew up poor and my husband's family are upper middle class. You're not letting him down and you've probably given him things his girlfriend might not have - like an appreciation for what he has and an ability to budget! Absolutely don't speak to the girlfriend, but be on hand to help your son navigate conversations about money if he asks you.

Your son should have a bit more self-respect and pride. I wouldn’t go on a trip if I couldn’t afford to self-fund it myself. He better be careful, or he’s going to develop a reputation as a charity case or “moocher.”

Leave it Op. Its his adult relationship not yours. If he needs to discuss finances then that’s something he has to learn to do himself with openness and honesty in the relationship. It’s part of growing up and being together.

We have more money than people we are good friends with and we like nothing more then to treat them occasionally. I don’t look down on them, I’m not trying to make any point, we just want to have a nice time together. I value the friendship so much for things money can’t buy like emotional support and loyalty. As long as you have brought your son up to be polite and kind then you absolutely should not interfere. A heartfelt note in a card and a thank you is probably worth more to this family than any round of drinks. You are overthinking this.

I get how you must feel and to you he's still your little boy but to others, like posters on here, he's an adult in control of his own life. You have done your job of bringing him up in what sounds like a safe, loving household and you have nothing to feel bad about. Now it's over to him.

It might be that enjoying the finer things in life now spurs him on to want that for himself and so will shape his career ambitions. Maybe one day he will be the father in law treating a child's partner?

In the meantime, it's up to him to say something if he is bothered by it and, as others have pointed out, he could well be a grounding influence for his gf.
Hopefully she and her family love him for who he is not what he has in the bank - as it should be. x

“I'm feeling sad for him that we don't have that kind of lifestyle.

OP, don’t - be glad that your DS is able to benefit from this, even if only temporarily. Don’t whatever you do have a word with the GF - your DS would be mortified and would never speak to you again! Forgive me for saying so, but as they are both very young, it’s more likely than not that sooner or later they will end up going their separate ways - so let your DS enjoy it while it lasts. People with loads of money think nothing of taking their DC’s partners on holiday - my DSis used to do it all the time before her DC were married. There’s no way I could manage it, but when my DD had a BF whose family took her on a cruise, I was pleased for her that she was able to go rather than feeling eaten up that there was no way I could ever do such a thing for my own DC.

He’s an adult man. Do not contact anyone his family!

If he wants to send a thank you card that’s up to him, but it’s an unusual thing to do nowadays. A verbal and text thank you if done sincerely is fine.

I grew up poor and my husbands family is much better off, I know it always made my mum uncomfortable but she’d often try to draw attention to this fact by mentioning it. There’s no need. As long as he’s polite and grateful with her family that’s fine. If he can’t afford to buy rounds then he should speak directly to his GF. They’re adults.

They can’t be that impractical given that they are pretty rich and successful.

I don’t know why you would consider talking to his girlfriend. They’ve been together two and a half years, obviously know each other well, I’m sure if he has anything to say about it he can tell her herself. But he seems absolutely fine though, I don’t think you need to worry.