To feel sad for my son

[PeculiarScenarioNo52]

My ds (19) is a really good lad. He has a girlfriend of the same age. They have been together for 2.5 years after meeting at a sporting event.
The problem lies in the fact that her family are loaded. They think nothing of spending £1k on a night out. That's a months' rent for me!
The financial disparity is proving tricky in the relationship.

Her dad just spent thousands of pounds taking the family away for a break over xmas (including my son). He has seen 'how the other half live' and I'm feeling sad for him that we don't have that kind of lifestyle.

I am disabled, but work, with top ups from Universal Credit. He is currently out off work due to injury, hoping to get a new job very soon. He also claims UC, but this really is only a short term thing. His last job had to let him go due to the injury.

He has had a really lovely time, but was constantly worried that he would be asked to pay for more than one round of drinks, as that wiped out his money for the trip!

Should I have a word with his gf and explain that he can't afford to do the sort of things she takes for granted (inc shopping at Waitrose, we definitely have an Aldi budget!) or just leave it. I've told ds to send her dad a thank you card, rather than just send a text. I think that would be better appreciated.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. I just feel for him and also (although it's not about me) I feel like I've let my family down.

They’ve been together 2.5 years so I’m sure she’s well aware of his finances and she likes him anyway, so obviously doesn’t see it as a problem.

If I were you I’d just be glad that he was getting the benefit of experiencing certain things that you are unable to give him. My sister had a boyfriend like that at a similar age and she got to fly all over the world with his family, experiences she is still very grateful for long after the relationship came to an end.

If you’re worried about him coming off as a taker or feeling somewhat forced to try and spend beyond his means when out with rounds of drinks or whatever then just encourage him to be upfront when he is there “oh I’ll just buy my own drink if that’s ok as I can’t afford a whole round”, they’ll either say ok cool or if they are as wealthy as you’re saying and like him as much as it sounds like they do, may well just say “don’t be daft it’s on us”.

Its a tricky one op. I think managing these differences in income is a skill really needed in life.

He probably should be careful about too much time spent in situations where he cant reciprocate financially. Not because specifically this family.will mind (im presuming they like him and are treating him as they would their child)

But because its just.never a great imbalance.

Id definitely be looking for even part time work if I was him. Something simple he can do without both arms.

I am sure he has been raised well if he can go and fit in with a v wealthy family and as this girl loves him so nothing you should be ashamed of

It’s not for you to say, I’m sure his girlfriend is well aware of your financial circumstances.

Please don’t worry about this, but also please don’t speak to the GF.

My DC are on the other side of this. They’ve had extremely privileged upbringings and now at uni they increasingly spend time with people who don’t have their means and lifestyle.

as parents we often invite BF/GF/friends along for nights out/dinners/events/holidays. I would never expect nor want any of our guests to feel they had to contribute, it’s always on us and unless your DS GF parents are arses they’ll be exactly the same.

a thank you text would be appreciated, a card unnecessary unless he doesn’t see the parents regularly. If he really wants to go the extra mile a print out of a photo of the holiday and a note on the back expressing thanks would be a lovely thing to do, but really just that, no frame or other additions required.

the GF is still quite young at 19 and may not realise just how privileged she is. It’s worth your DS reminding her that certain things are out of his reach.

Leave it, he’s 19 so the chances of this relationship lasting are slim anyway. It’s between him and his GF to sort out finances.

Yes he should definitely know his place and the only time he should he encounter rich people is if he’s serving them or doffing his cap to them.

No he won’t.

not unless he never says thank you or refuses to even offer one round of drinks when he is working.

This...
You don't need to say anything.

Your DS and his girlfriend have been together for a good while now and I'd imagine as in you know of her parents wealth she knows his family circumstances and gives not two iotas that his, or your bank balance isn't the same as her parents.

My DC's parents/partners aren't as well off as us but all are lovely people and while we don't splash out on expensive holidays we all sit well in each other's company.

It matters more how your DS treats their DD in general more than throwing presents and expensive meals out at her.

Equally if she doesn't expect to be wined and dined on a regular basis she clearly cares for your DS as the person that stands in front of her.

Talk to your DS about how he feels regarding his differring financial circumstance to his GFs family. He expressed a concerns about being able to afford a round of drinks ,id advise him to discuss that concern with his GF and her family (depending on what his GF says). I dont think you should or need to directly get involved or intervene though.
I've been in your sons position and his GF families position at different points in my life and it can be ok with honest communication.
You are not what you own...
Your son obviously bring something to the party in this situation and that may be worth more than money to this affluent family.......

Or receiving charity from them.

That might be awhile. He’s a bird without a wing. It doesn’t look like he’ll be going back to work soon as per OP.

Definitely don't say anything, his girlfriend will be aware and probably the family too. I'm sure they all know he is currently unable to work if they have any level of communication with their daughter. Probably they don't care about the financial aspects of the trip anyway.
if it is a problem they will work it out together, or not, but it isn't your place to get involved.

Perhaps a nice young lad who isn’t materialistic and appreciates the value of money is exactly what they want for their daughter? Not all wealthy people are shallow enough to only want their daughters to date equally rich guys. Her parents may well have struggled at times - you never, ever know.

Sounds like a similar situation to my Dd and her bf, his family took Dd to Mexico when they had their Easter uni break, 2 weeks 5* all inc. They also paid for lots of expensive activities whilst they were there. They made it clear that Dd wouldn’t need any money whilst there though, and told her that they would be offended if she tried to pay for anything. She had a great time and sent a thank you card with a £100 gift voucher for a restaurant local to them.

I took him on our summer break, which was 2 weeks camping in Wales. Again, I paid for it, but we cooked for most of it apart from the odd chippy tea if we’d stayed at the beach for too long. We didn’t too many paid for activities as we have a kayak, a SUP and surf/body boards so were at the beach most days. As a thank you for taking him, his dad had booked us all onto a Zip world activity, which I thought was lovely of him as I wouldn’t have been able to afford that. Bf has been asking if he can come again next summer as he said it’s one of the best holidays he’s ever had 🤣 He’s even happy to miss his family trip to Marbella to come.

Don’t think that just because it costs more, it’s better, try to do something nice with them that doesn’t cost a lot.

This is definitely a big and important issue and needs to be talked about. Question is who do you talk to?

The girlfriend definitely not.

Your son is still very young and inexperienced so talking to him is definitely a good idea. I think a proper, handwritten thank you card from him to the family is absolutely spot on, maybe with some detail about what he enjoyed in particular. And it is a very good idea for him to think in advance about cheap but thoughtful gestures he can offer to keep things happy and even. For example, I know someone who was taken on a Borneo holiday trek by their partner's family, massive cost, could not have afforded it on own, they wrote a travel diary, just a few notes every day of dates, distances, places, species encountered, little anecdotes. It was perfect and really treasured by the family but cost almost nothing.

However, given that he is so young, I wonder if it might be a good idea for you to talk to her parents as well? Are you in contact with them already? If not, get in touch to say hello and introduce yourself and just explain about your circumstances. They may not be aware. Wealth blinds and insulates! Something like a round of drinks that represents a huge spend and signals generosity and appreciation from your son might go entirely unnoticed by them, as for them it's so minor. What you really, really want to avoid is them growing resentful of him and him constantly feeling stressed.

Do not contact his girlfriend.

They’re both adults and they’re not stupid.

Your son’s girlfriend is with him because she wants to be, not because of how much money he does or doesn’t have.

Do you think it's possible that your son's girlfriend's dad might be able to help your son towards a higher earning job? That is what would be ideal, although it would be very tricky to raise it. Income disparity can be a major bone of contention in relationships because it taps into people's feelings about identity and their place in the world. Obviously, your son doesn't want to feel like a poor relation, but what are his ambitions in life? Presumbaly he would like to become a higher earner.

This. It always amuses me when people say that wealthy people have 'no common sense' or are 'out of touch with reality'. Not really, they just know how to make the world work for them!

As others have said, there is no need to speak to the gf - your son is 19!

Moreover, she's his girlfriend, she knows.

I know which of my friends are tight for money without them needing to 'have a word'.

I’m sure the family enjoy taking him away with them and enjoy his company but a sincere thank you card would be appreciated far more than a text or even a round of drinks

Why are you feeling sorry for him? You/and he should be proud about what a great lad he's turned out to be.

No, don't have a word with his girlfriend saying your family has an Aldi budget.

He's an adult and if he wants to shop in waitrose he can.

There will always be people with much more and much less than you financially. There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you think he should only date other benefits claimants?

OMG, definitely do not say anything to the Gf!

Look: they seem to have a good relationship so the money difference clearly does not bother his Gf.

Her family clearly value him as their DD’s Gf as they chose to take him with them.

He is presumably polite, good company, treats his Gf well and intends to work, earn , and live a responsible life!

I am very very much less well off than my Ds’s Gf’s family but I know they love him, truly appreciate the support he gives their Dd and how much she loves him. And they have the grace, decency and ethics to not be snobby or snotty.

Pay this family the compliment of believing them to be similarly decent.

Maybe that will inspire him to go for a better paid career and better his financial prospects rather than to be happy with his lot (as many people quietly are).

Did you actually read the post where it said how long they have been together as a couple before you made this remark