To feel sad for my son

[PeculiarScenarioNo52]

My ds (19) is a really good lad. He has a girlfriend of the same age. They have been together for 2.5 years after meeting at a sporting event.
The problem lies in the fact that her family are loaded. They think nothing of spending £1k on a night out. That's a months' rent for me!
The financial disparity is proving tricky in the relationship.

Her dad just spent thousands of pounds taking the family away for a break over xmas (including my son). He has seen 'how the other half live' and I'm feeling sad for him that we don't have that kind of lifestyle.

I am disabled, but work, with top ups from Universal Credit. He is currently out off work due to injury, hoping to get a new job very soon. He also claims UC, but this really is only a short term thing. His last job had to let him go due to the injury.

He has had a really lovely time, but was constantly worried that he would be asked to pay for more than one round of drinks, as that wiped out his money for the trip!

Should I have a word with his gf and explain that he can't afford to do the sort of things she takes for granted (inc shopping at Waitrose, we definitely have an Aldi budget!) or just leave it. I've told ds to send her dad a thank you card, rather than just send a text. I think that would be better appreciated.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. I just feel for him and also (although it's not about me) I feel like I've let my family down.

i don’t think it’s an issue at all. People from different social backgrounds go out all the time.

The only thing you need to do is encourage your son to have the self confidence to admit that some things are out of his reach financially and to feel no embarrassment about saying that as a fact, no apology, just honesty. The risk here is that he ends up in debt trying to keep up with the joneses.

Neither of these positions/attitudes are inherently better than the other. They are just different personality traits.

I agree you shouldn’t talk to the girlfriend. I would talk to your son to make sure he has a realistic understanding of his financial position.

My friend found lot her fiancé had racked up loads of debt trying to keep up with her lifestyle. He wanted to be able to treat her and pay “as the man in the relationship” for dinners etc but they had two completely different financial backgrounds and incomes. They are still together

I would leave it. Unless they comment on his lack of resources or do anything that makes him feel less than, then they are decent people.

Money can come and go- it's hard to comment without knowing how wealthy they are but all sorts of things can happen. A family member loses a job then suddenly there's nothing. A bad business decision and people go bankrupt.

They may have cash now to spend on dinners and holidays, but they probably won't always have that level of income. They're comfortable doing that at the moment.

And at the end of the day OP it's just stuff, relationships are what matter.

He could learn some brilliant cooking skills to impress her / cook for their family or something in future.

“He has had a really lovely time, but was constantly worried that he would be asked to pay for more than one round of drinks, as that wiped out his money for the trip!”

Does that mean he had no cash (credit card/debit card) on him in case of an emergency? Could he afford travel insurance? Money for basic food items like a sandwich or a drink when out or about? Or were his GF and her family footing the bill for that kind of stuff as well?

They really don’t. Most people date and marry within their own social class. The instances where the fair and fine lady of high rank/great wealth falls in love with the poor stableboy only happens in romance novels.

It’s certainly better to be able to earn your own money and be able to enjoy nicer things or trips than having to rely on the state support (especially given standard of living isn’t guaranteed) (obviously if one isn’t disabled so has no other options)

You can’t say anything to GF or her parents.
make sure you do speak to him about not feeling like he has to keep up with the Jones and go spend crazy and get into debt though, that would be my only worry and don’t lie about what he earns( when he gets back to work). I know a couple who did this, her dad was v successful financially and was an industry powerhouse, they told him DH as he became that he earned more than he did and they ended up stressing themselves out over it

Perhaps you just have very rigid friends or perhaps people don't share their origin stories with you. I know many couples from different backgrounds.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Presumably he was invited. He should accept these things with grace and enjoy them, not fret about being indebted. That’s joyless and represents a “scarcity mindset”.

Right, I’m sure you do. People of similar social status, education, intelligence, ethnicity, religion, age tend to date/marry each other. It’s called homogamy or assortative mating, and is well-documented and researched in anthropology and sociology.

Yes but people tend to do all sorts of things it doesn’t make it “rare” to do something they don’t “tend” to do.

Like others say I wouldn’t speak to the girlfriend but I would tell your son these are not just high earners but ultra high by the sounds of it (I’m a ‘high earner’ and 1k is my mortgage and what I spend on a holiday not a night out) so this isn’t reality for most people in a ‘good job’. I’d also advise him to decline things if he doesn’t have enough spending money to pay his way - I wouldn’t expect him to buy lots of rounds but would expect him to be able to cover all his meals and drinks etc for the week and it’s hard if they want to eat out expensive places. At somepoint he will have to explain the gf about their budgets as it will get tricky if she is a bit clueless

You shouldn’t be feeling sad OP, you should be feeling proud of your son, unless he is a big spender and in debt.
His relationship is with the 19 year old adult girl, not with her family. If her family want to gift him a holiday, he must either accept or decline it politely on HIS terms. She must do the same …they can decide together how to react if it’s taken for granted that he will accompany them for a holiday again.

No need for you to tell her anything but have him understand that if he doesn’t want to be in that situation again, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, with confidence, No thank you, I’d rather not this time as I’m saving. Or just a simple No thanks.
They may have money to spend and be generous but they may not over-ride your son’s feelings.

I hope your DS finds work very soon.

After 2.5 years together how would she not be aware of his financial situation? What would you need to tell her?

Should I have a word with his gf and explain that he can't afford to do the sort of things she takes for granted

Your son is 19, a young adult. Why would you be 'having a word' with his girlfriend about anything?

Presumably after 2.5 years she's aware of her partner's financial situation, that he's not working etc? Unless she's a bit simple, she's hardly going to be expecting him to drop a grand on a night out and even if she did suggest something out of his budget, what's stopping him from just saying no?

It was a lovely gesture from her parents to take your son away and again, presumably they're aware that he isn't working and wouldn't have expected him to be contributing in any meaningful way.

How else is her parents financial situation making their relationship 'tricky'? With kindness OP, this does seem like more of a 'you' issue based on what you've told us.

Absolute nonsense. Going on a family holiday with your girlfriend's parents at 19 is hardly 'mooching'.

He's definitely not a moocher! He was invited, and they funded almost everything.

It was a trip to a beautiful bit of the UK so insurance wasn't required.

I am probably projecting my own insecurities.

I've always struggled with money.

The family sound generous but obviously they aren't aware that a small cost for them (round of drinks) is still too much for someone on a tight budget.

Ridiculous. I'm sure they live in the real world.....