To have 0 social battery after having my parents to stay for 8 weeks over the festive period.

[heavenknow]

I’m due back to work tomorrow after a good period of work and I should be rested but I’m absolutely broken. We live in Australia, my mum and dad have come out for Christmas but it’s just been too much. Every single day, the pressure has been on me to arrange and communicate the ‘plan for the day’ - down to making dinner/lunch/snacks. Deal with the multiple complaints about the heat (when sitting outside, not in the fully airconed house) and buy everyone else’s Christmas gifts - including everyone here and at home (as I’m good at gift buying, apparently) mum has early on set dementia, so my dad (understandably) has taken it as an opportunity to rest, so has pushed loads onto me - your mum is hungry, can you make her lunch, mum can’t wait that long for dinner, don’t give her and more wine, have you ordered mum’s gifts from me yet, what have you bought your sisters kids from us to take back etc etc…… But I’m absolutely f**ked. I want a bottle of wine, a documentary and not a single person to need my assistance for 24-48 hours!!!!
Is this the reality of this stage of life?

Dear God, 8 weeks..... you'd get less for murder! Just remember how it feels and never, ever do it again.

Your Dad transferring the "wife work" (gift buying for others) that your mum obviously used to do would have enraged mein your place. Honestly, you really should've said "NO, Dad - that's your job".

I’d be phoning in sick tomorrow.

I take it this was a weak moment on your part when you agreed to them staying so long? 8 weeks? Fuck no. Just no. A few days max, then it’s a hotel. Even then, that amount of doing ‘stuff’, organising ‘things’, you’ll be exhausted! Lesson learned I hope.

Who came up with 8 weeks?

Oh god op I feel you so much.

I live abroad too and your post is exactly my experience: my parents basically revert to being children whenever they come and see us. They won't drive over here (Canada), plan anything at all, or organise activities, and basically expect me to be chef, tour guide, housekeeper, chauffeur.... AND look after my own two children whilst all this is going on.

It's exhausting. It's really really discouraging seeing grown adults revert to being children.

8 bloody weeks?! My limit for guests is 2 nights, 3 days. I understand flights are long, but 8 weeks.. 💀

But my parents never came for 8 weeks. I understand Australia is far from the UK, but they really should have got an air b n b, hotel etc, for six of those weeks.

I can see why you wanted them over, I can see why they stayed so long with you, I can see why your dad needed the help

and I can see why you are quite frazzled !

While I understand the pressure on your dad of caring for someone with dementia, I think he's been very unreasonable here: he's basically tried to push all the caring responsibilities onto you.

I experienced similar with my parents when my mum had dementia. My dad was in many ways pretty supportive but he would expect me to come down every other weekend and when I was there would basically expect me to take over. I at the time had a toddler and I told him it was too much.

If caring for your mum is difficult and he needs respite, he should get a plan in place to bring more support in. It's not reasonable to expect family to fill that gap indefinitely.

And eight weeks is a ridiculous amount of time to expect you to host. A week would be enough to send me round the bend. I think you need to have a tough conversation with him about care and make clear you are putting your foot down about visits that long in the future.

Blimey. Honestly, (my parents were emotionally abusive), I would never do this for anyone related.
And never did. (46).
Absolutely YANBU.

Welcome to the survivors club! Hats off to you! I just did 17 days and could not have survived 8 weeks. My house feels broken, as do I. The entire thing is too much, the pre-arrival prep, the visit, the meal planning, the fall out from what were inevitable arguments, tension, hangovers, feeling completely overwhelmed and taken advantage of.

Only thing for it is to learn from it OP. Refine the plan next time and also now enjoy the peace. Well done on getting through it.

Presumably your Dad is exhausted the other 44 weeks of the year.

Sounds like your dad's not coping well OP.

Book some AL so you've got something to look forward to

8 weeks is a very very long time! I’m not surprised you’re done in. When I lived abroad we’d have family stay for 2 weeks and I was definitely over it by the end.

Is it likely to be repeated? How often do they typically visit and could your mum even do the journey again?

What support is in place for your dad at home? Hopefully there’s family to help him out and the option of professional care for your mum.

I would struggle with having family here for 8 hours, let alone weeks! Go get that bottle of wine, you deserve it!

Yanbu

That should be 2-3weeks maximum and that’s me being over kind due to the distance.

In future definitely build in your own recovery time after they leave and make it a smaller time frame.

Stop the gifts give cash unless it’s something you genuinely just stop and want to buy as a gift.

When we lived overseas (long hail, very desirable place to visit) we had a three week limit for parents and a two week limit for anyone else.

Of course we loved to see people but it’s impossible to keep having house guests especially with jobs and kids. You either put a firm time limit on (say 4 weeks as it’s so far) or be really clear about how they have to contribute.

It very much depends on the guests and your parents sound like they put on you. The pressure would have driven me mad.

I love it when guests arrive and they have some ideas as to what they’d like to do and see. It’s really wearing when the onus is on you, the host, to constantly think of stuff. It’s not on really. Adults should expect other adults to entertain them constantly.

Me neither!

8 weeks? You’ve been amazing - I was in a pit of despair after just 48 hours :/

Jesus. That wasn’t very well planned 😬

I know you must all think I am mad agreeing to 8 weeks. But it what we've always done, to take advantage of the trip I guess being so far away. It's always been the way we've done it and it's worked for us however the last time I went home, I went home for a month, and I could tell there was tension at home. Mum is still independent at home, drives, spends time alone, can care for herself, so she's at the start of her journey - sadly. But it has definitely had a big impact on Dad, so he is leaning on us to get a break which I get. A few factors haven't helped; DH has been away with work / at the cricket for a lot of December, leaving me to carry the can. Work was mental in the run up to Christmas, I ended up with Influenza A because I was so run down and wasn't able to rest as Dad got unwell (not flu - thankfully) and Mum still needed entertained, if she doesn't get out daily, she gets anxious. So, I haven't fully recovered from that yet as I couldn't just take myself off to bed to rest and get over it, I had to push through work and home. Thankfully they have loads of support at home, dsis is a Dr and my parents are wealthy so will be able to afford care when the time comes. I've already booked a long weekend in March, might go away again at Easter and planning my winter holidays hopefully to Thailand. I think the hardest part, is I feel awful for feeling this burnt out and feel I should be appreciating this time with them as they age!

Maybe your dad can see the hell that is coming his way. Obviously helps when you have money to pay for care, but on a day to day basis he will be seeing the changes in his wife. As others have said this might be the last time that they might be able to come on such a long trip, so I guess you won’t have to put up with them for 8 weeks again. I can also understand that having them with you for 8 weeks would have been draining.

When you speak to your DM on the phone etc she will probably mask her symptoms, so again you will be shielded from her deterioration, your dad won’t be.

If your sister is a doctor, how much time, physically and mentally, can she put in with your DM?

My DM has dementia. She still lives independently, but can only do this as I visit daily. But seeing her disappear bit by bit as my mum is what is destroying me mentally, not the caring side.

Long-stay guests (or family) are fine so long as they are happy to do their own thing and make their own plans after being shown around. The showing around part - intense socialising, shared meals, tourist attractions, joint plans etc - should last for a week as an absolute maximum, then it’s up to them to organise what they do.

But having to plan every minute of every day with other people, no downtime, constantly talking about the next meal, would be hell for me, however much I loved the people. Eight weeks of that I’d be on the verge of a breakdown, especially when you put early-stage dementia into the mix.
Next time (for all visits) make it very clear that guests will have to do their own exploring and meal arrangements after the first days because you will be busy.